episode_0012

“Why is Yugram like that?”

“Well, only he knows his heart.”

The devil answered, lying cleverly in the air.

“It’s fate because it’s not set in stone.”

“Aren’t you against it?”

The devil did not answer.

I see.

If it is fate because it is not set in stone─

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“..Keuguuugh!?”

I woke up to the pain of my face being cut open with scissors.

sick.

It hurts like crazy.

It’s so painful that I wonder if I’m going to die from shock, but it’s still so painful that I can’t even say the words out loud. At the same time, my mind is uselessly clear, so I feel the pain even more.

Yes. I was cursed by the god of death. Yugram explained it to me and I understood and accepted it. However, I just could not have imagined that this much pain would hit me.

How much pain can it possibly hurt? I would be lying if I said I didn’t think I would get used to it after a few days. But isn’t that obvious from a medical perspective?

I don’t know the exact mechanism, but I know that when a person is sick, a narcotic substance is secreted from the brain to help them feel less pain. But right now, I don’t feel anything like that.

It was a sharp pain, as if someone was poking my left face with a red-hot knife, tearing the wound apart. No, I can’t describe it that way. It wasn’t such a trivial and insignificant pain.

I also learned various torture methods during class. It wasn’t just basic things like tearing off skin or spreading salt, but things like putting a rat on a prisoner’s stomach and locking them in a heated cage, and the rat, unable to withstand the heat, would try to escape by digging into the prisoner’s stomach and escaping – I used to imagine how painful and hopeless it must have felt to learn such things.

But I can say for sure that even the most disgusting acts of human malice─cannot compare to even one-tenth of the suffering I am now experiencing.

“Princess!”

Before I knew it, the maids who had come running after hearing my screams were looking at me with pale faces. What are they looking at? I was staring blankly, and then I felt something flowing out of my mouth. It seemed like they had clenched their teeth in pain and tore their lips, so blood was flowing out.

“I…go”

“Oh, princess..”

“Get out!!!”

When I spat out a handful of blood and shouted, the maids finally left.

My body was filled with a rage that had nowhere to go.

Yeah, it was a weird way to vent my anger, but I wanted to do it.

Why do I have to live like this?

I want to be comfortable.

Why do I have to go through this pain?

Someone once said that life is nothing but a series of sufferings. If that’s true, then if I die, I won’t have to go through this suffering.

I lifted my left hand and brought it to the left side of my face. Something hard and cold, not my flesh, hit me. I felt it and thought it was a medical tool, but it was a mask.

Instinctively, I couldn’t help but feel certain that this was some sort of magically processed object.

..Wouldn’t it be easier if this weren’t there?

You have to block it.

─Gigg

─Giggigggig

─Ppachikbukbukpdeukdeuk

“It hurts..It hurts..It hurts..”

─Ppeudp …

“─Princess!”

Someone grabbed my hand tightly.

I stared blankly at my left hand. It was so bloody that I could easily tell even in a dark room. Now that I realized it, I felt a slight, tingling pain. Is that so? My fingernails were all broken and pulled out. Because I was so focused on my face, I couldn’t feel anything in my left hand.

The one holding my hand is Yugram. It’s not bright enough to see his face, but I couldn’t mistake his emerald long hair that glows even in the dark, and his familiar voice.

“..At this hour, how could you..come into the princess’s bedroom..so carelessly..?”

I tried to say it playfully, but my jaw was trembling and my throat was making a ripping sound like scraping metal, so it didn’t seem like that at all.

Yugram didn’t answer, but treated my hands and lips, and then had the maids waiting outside clean up the bloody bedding and carpet. After they were quickly cleaned up, only Yugram and I were left in the bedroom.

I sighed and leaned back against the raised upper body. I didn’t think I could sleep, and if Yugram wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be able to hold back the urge to take off my mask and scratch my face again.

No, even now, if it were possible, I would kill Yugram and take off this mask.

I wasn’t sure if I could have resisted that urge if I had had a real sword by my side.

I knew perfectly well that even if Yugram was bare-handed and I had a sword, my chances of winning were slim─but even so, I wanted to get rid of this pain.

No, that’s a lie.

If he really wanted to die, he would have stabbed Yugram in the neck or chest with the blade instead of killing him. Why would he kill Yugram?

It’s like venting my anger. I was now consumed by a rage without purpose or object. I can say that even the wise men who were revered as saints in history would lose their patience if they experienced the pain I am experiencing now.

Yes. It was I who chose to live, not anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to get angry now and ask why I have to suffer.

This is not a situation where you can make excuses like, “I didn’t know it would hurt this much.”

Even when I first opened my eyes, I wanted to live.

And even in the midst of this self-destructive result of my unquenchable anger, paradoxically, I want to live.

Even if I had acted on that impulse and killed Yugram, I probably wouldn’t have taken my own life.

The reason he scratched at the mask like crazy… was probably because he had a corner of his heart that believed that the mask wouldn’t come off ‘just like that’.

I just wanted to lie to myself and hurt myself. But even though I knew that, the urge wouldn’t go away easily.

Yugram turned on the light in the room and brought a book. Okay. Let’s clear our heads and read a book.

It looks like it’s going to be a long night.

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“Fuck!!”

Bearkart swung his sword madly. This was the King’s training ground, a place where magic to summon a doll made of magic lasted semi-permanently. However, since it was only magic, it was naturally different from actual practice dolls made of wood or iron.

If possible, a real doll, if possible, a remnant of the Shinigami cult. He felt the urge to use his fists instead of his sword to destroy its entire body, but… his position as the king of a country prevented Bearkart from doing so.

The Karsten royal family is weak-hearted. Although it may vary from person to person, the law established by the ancient oath is unbreakable. That is why the royal family is thoroughly taught to control and hide their emotions from a young age, and Bearkart is no exception. Even if they are ministers or subordinates who have been with them for years and decades and have their backs turned, if it is necessary to cut ties, they cut ties. It is a natural mindset for a commoner to be superior to others, but for the Karsten royal family, even that is a task they must carry for their entire lives.

Because he is that kind of Bearkart… He objectively looks at himself as a father who feels such great anger that he could burn down the country, but on the other hand, he thinks─ if he were to disappear from the kingdom now, Reinhard, who is yet to inherit the throne, would have to bear an unreasonable burden, and if he, a swordsman, were to get hurt by his fist, the loss of fighting power would be enormous─

The fact that he was acting rationally enough to get as angry as possible after judging from a position that was one step away made Bearkart even angrier.

Yes. The king takes precedence over the human heart.

It is a saying that I learned from my ancestors and memorized by heart before I became a child.

I remember having a candid conversation about this topic during Reinhard’s coming of age ceremony.

Now, he felt that he could say with pride that he fully understood what was being said, that he was walking the royal path by doing the right thing and that he would not be ashamed of it before anyone.

But this is how it is. One of his daughters was attacked, his composure was broken, and he gave in to anger. Although he thought it was pitiful, these thoughts did not leave Bearkat’s mind. Then should I not mourn my daughter’s suffering? Is this truly shameful? Am I not fulfilling my duties as a king properly? Then is it the right thing to do as a true king, acting only with efficiency and reason, without personal feelings? There was no one who could tell Bearkat, who was moving passionately, the answer.

And in contrast, there was a woman quietly crying in a corner of the training ground. It was Queen Marianne. The training ground floor where she was sitting was filled with small ice shards. And they continued to increase. As soon as the tears fell from her face, they froze rapidly and fell to the floor. It was because she, who had an exceptional amount of magical power even among the royal family, was unable to control her magical power due to her emotions becoming intense and letting it run wild.

Those who burn like fire and those who are frozen like ice. Although they each expressed it differently, they were both in a state of great sorrow. That was because they were human─and at the same time, because they were parents. And also, the eldest son, whose life was saved by his youngest sister, was also staying up all night, unable to overcome his emotions.

It was a long night for everyone.