episode_0009

Yako Tomoe

—

The woman smiled and held out her hand to me. Her eyes, as she said, “It’s cold out,” seemed to carry a triumphant look, which infuriated me.

Kyotarou and this woman’s relationship must be *that* kind of relationship. Inside the bag, which bore the name of his drugstore, I could see a black bag. That was probably a condom or something. Has Kyotarou-kun already been defiled by this woman?

Delusions stirred my emotions. I wanted all of Kyotarou-kun. I wanted him to be by my side forever. No matter how hard I tried, Kyotarou-kun only drifted further away. What was I lacking? What should I have done? Why didn’t you smile at me?

Why do you look at me now as if I’m a monster?

I can’t bear it, I can’t bear anything anymore. Ethics, morals, all of it—I don’t need any of it, I don’t know any of it. I, I love Kyotarou-kun.

I want to experience everything you did with this woman. What kind of kisses did you share? Where did you do it? How many times did you whisper love to each other, and how many times did the two of you become one?

After muttering a quick “I’m sorry,” I attacked Kyotarou-kun. His lips were so warm and soft. When I licked his molars, they were slightly sweet, his tongue was a little rough, the back of his teeth showed signs of dental work, his gums were sticky, yet still sweet.

Everything about Kyotarou-kun is precious to me. I could lick him anywhere. He’s clean, and he only smells good. I’m such an idiot, I should have done this sooner.

“W-What are you doing?!”

The nameless woman pulled Kyotarou-kun and me apart, but no, I want to taste more.

This might be the last time, so I want to enjoy it more.

Kyotarou-kun would never forgive me for doing this. You’ve already enjoyed yourself enough, haven’t you? You’ve been by Kyotarou-kun’s side for days, for dozens of days, for hundreds of days. It’s unfair, while I was crying alone all that time.

Why are there only obstacles around me? Why isn’t Kyotarou-kun by my side? Why? Hey, why? Why, why… are you still looking at me with fear?

Kyotarou-kun restrained me, holding me so I couldn’t do anything more.

Still, I was happy, because Kyotarou-kun was by my side.

There’s no meaning to the words we exchange. I don’t need words anymore. I wanted you. Being by your side now makes me so happy, so happy, Kyotarou-kun.

The unknown woman is shouting something, but I can’t hear anything. The only person I can hear is Kyotarou-kun. Hey, Kyotarou… let’s do something more fun.

“For now, let’s go inside.”

Carried inside, the apartment room I was taken to was Kyotarou-kun’s current residence. Laundry hung drying, dishes sat washed. His room, filled with signs of daily life, bore a striking resemblance to the room at his family home, which he had lost. I wished I could stay here forever.

This is where Kyotarou-kun lives his days. I can feel him close. Kyotarou-kun is so close. I’m glad I came, glad I threw everything away. If I hadn’t, I surely wouldn’t have been able to come here.

Saying he’d look around the neighborhood for a bit, Kyotarou-kun left the room.

The woman in front of me glared, but I didn’t care. More importantly, this was my only chance. I had to memorize everything in this room. I might never be able to enter this room again.

…Why, though? I want to be by his side more. What did I do wrong?

I just love Kyotarou-kun, that’s all, right? Is that such a bad thing?

Then why can that woman be by Kyotarou-kun’s side? I wanted to be by his side too. I’ve tried so hard all this time, so why—

“I just contacted Takeo-kun. So he got his driver’s license, huh? He said he’d be here in about an hour… Would you like something to drink until then? I have some tea I bought.”

When Kyotarou-kun returned, he mentioned Takeo-kun’s name. The moment I heard that name, a sudden chill swept through my body. Goosebumps rose, and I remembered that dreadful last day of high school.

“I don’t want to see Takeo-kun. I’m scared, I’m scared, Kyotarou… I’m scared, I’m scared…”

My trembling wouldn’t stop, I couldn’t calm down. I had to take my medicine.

“Can I… borrow the restroom?”

“Oh, yeah, the restroom is right through that door.”

Kyotarou-kun replied with a smile. That alone calmed my heart a little.

In the washroom, I put the psychotropic medication in my mouth and swallowed it down.

Sitting on the Western-style toilet, I rested my slightly foggy head on the toilet lid.

The wall of the restroom in Kyotarou-kun’s home seemed to be thin. I could hear almost everything the two of them were doing on the other side of the wall.

My eyes started to burn. The more I heard the voices of the two of them getting along, the more I cried, stifling my sobs.

I’ve been crying all the time now. So much so that my parents even took me to a psychiatrist. I probably think my mind is broken. I’m dependent on Kyotarou-kun, but I can’t depend on him.

There’s no one to replace him. All I want is Kyotarou-kun.

After a while, when I came out of the restroom, Kyotarou-kun spoke to me hesitantly.

As always, when you look at me, you look at me as if I’m some other creature.

My heart hurts. I want you to smile, with dimples, like before.

What happened? What was the right thing for us to do?

“It looks like Takeo-kun has arrived. I’ll go pick him up quickly.”

The end came sooner than I expected.

I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to see Takeo-kun, I want to stay with Kyotarou-kun. But I can’t do any of those things, I can’t do anything. Even if I throw everything away, I can’t do anything.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

It really doesn’t matter.

A blinding white light, a black car rapidly approaching. The driver was a middle-aged man.

I’m sorry, I’ll cause trouble, won’t I? But… please—

“………………I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were in love with Kyotarou-kun. Because you were always with Takeo-kun, weren’t you? That’s why I lied. I thought everyone would be happier that way. That Takeo-kun and Tomoe-chan were dating… I’m sorry. I truly didn’t know that my lie had caused you so much pain… I’m so sorry.”

While my whole body remained immobile, only my consciousness returned.

This voice, is it that woman speaking?

When I lifted my heavy eyelids, I saw that woman sitting beside me in my blurry vision.

I directed my only movable gaze towards the voice, glaring at her from the bottom of my heart.

Then, my consciousness faded once more.

—

Next Episode: “The Night I Confessed, Along with Sadness.”