episode_0008

*

It was, as always, a sudden and out-of-the-blue question.

At first glance, it seemed philosophical. If brought up during ethics class, it could have sparked an interesting discussion.

However, within this shoddy setting, such discourse was merely a way to pass the time. The person who posed the question didn’t seem to expect an answer either—playing with a necklace shaped like a smiling face, they were clearly just fooling around.

“I don’t know either. What about you?”

I considered responding in that manner but quickly abandoned the idea.

I’m no fool. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from these meaningless club activities, it’s that offering up exactly what the other person wants won’t bring any rewards. Especially with this guy, that unfair tendency was particularly strong.

How much more time passed by?

The crimson natural light faded, replaced by dim shadows cast by the old fluorescent light on the ceiling beyond the window.

The slender figure sitting across, with wisps of hair brushing their forehead, shifted slightly. Considering the window was closed and there was no breeze, it was a somewhat inexplicable physical reaction.

“I say, perhaps in 50 years at most, I’ll be forgotten. That might even happen tomorrow.”

“Have you been diagnosed with a terminal illness?”

“No matter how hard you try or how diligently you live, the end is predetermined.”

“What’s with the pessimism?”

“If you must categorize, you could call it cynicism.”

“And what’s that?”

“It’s like the distant cousin next door to nihilism and pessimism.”

It was even more cryptic.

Each word felt like a foreign language, literally incomprehensible.

Perhaps this guy expected my reaction and intentionally spoke in circles like this. Despite knowing this, I couldn’t help but feel pitifully foolish for still engaging.

“Shall we consider examples from what a certain film director once said? God, the nature of reality, the purpose of the universe, the meaning of life, the value of individual existence, the universality of prayer, the existence of the soul, the difference between good and evil, the consequences of the afterlife, the validity of ethical actions, the lessons of history… These are the mundane things we take for granted. It can be seen as a collection of attitudes that skewer these notions.”

“Why bother skewering them in the first place?”

“Why not ask about each one? Since there’s no method of reasoning as ancient and sure as deduction through questions and answers.”

Was he suggesting I should inquire about all those things he had just laid out?

I was about to protest, but seeing him close his eyes and cup his ear, it seemed like he was quite serious about pursuing this. The wisp of hair above his head was practically exclaiming like an exclamation mark. Ignoring this further might lead to a physical demonstration, visually illustrating what would come next.

While others were discussing philosophy in the classroom during break time, I wondered why I had to engage in this unknown club activity that wasn’t even in English.

Yet, it was me who couldn’t resist his coercion and ended up joining, continuing with this enigmatic club activity.

So, pretending to give in was simply unavoidable.

“Does God exist?”

“No.”

“What’s the nature of reality?”

“Physics dictates that.”

“What’s the reason for the universe’s existence?”

“There isn’t one in particular.”

“Then what’s the meaning of life?”

“Similarly, there isn’t one.”

“Why do I exist?”

“It’s merely a stroke of luck.”

“Do prayers get answered?”

“Of course not.”

“Does the soul exist?”

“The absence of proof makes explanation impossible.”

“What happens to us after we die?”

“Everything will likely continue almost as it did before, excluding us.”

“What distinguishes right from wrong, good from evil?”

“It’s mostly just a difference in self-proclaimed names.”

“Why should we live morally?”

“Moral actions make one feel a relative superiority over immoral actions.”

“Does history have any meaning or lesson?”

“It doesn’t have any particular meaning, and even if it did, it will be forgotten.”

“…It feels quite empty. So, what does that have to do with love?”

If one’s life has no value in their own eyes, then things like gods or the world hold no meaning; insignificant emotions like love seemed irrelevant.

However, contrary to my expectation of being mocked, this guy had a rather serious expression on his face.

“There is no meaning in life. Life is worthless. In the end, we are all just insignificant characters in a trivial story, destined to vanish into a handful of dust.”

“Well, everyone knows that living leads to dying. Your resignation is just too hasty.”

“So why do people fall in love then? Loving someone doesn’t grant immortality, nor does it shield you from unhappiness.”

“I don’t know. What is love, anyway?”

“I don’t know.”

“So, no answer?”

“It’s not a sin to admit you don’t know. Wanting to know is the same. After all, the stories you create about love seem twisted and strange…”

As if poking a sore spot, the piercing gaze directed towards me felt uncomfortably sharp.

But there was no way around it. Ever since the founding of the Book Club, the stories this guy came up with were all bizarre.

He claimed they were authentic romances based on love and peace, but from a reader’s perspective, they were more like psychological horror. And he seemed to realize this himself, as he complained about what love was, why it existed, and why people engaged in it. In a way, today’s argument was just an extension of that.

“Hmph, if only you knew what love really was, you could undoubtedly create a fantastic story that everyone would acknowledge.”

“…No, even before love, your story doesn’t align with common sense.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Hey, where’s that girl who claims to prioritize people she loves but then beats a dog to death on the street?”

“…Dogs are dangerous animals. They can get hurt if you hit them.”

“But what about chasing and beating someone to death after a word exchange?”

“People turn the world upside down to protect those they love. It’s a cliché, but isn’t it a rich source of material?”

“Maybe in boys’ manga battle stories. Love has nothing to do with… huh?”

There was more to say, but because of a forcibly bitten snack, I couldn’t continue.

Honestly, things that crossed the line properly were even more intriguing, and the person involved didn’t seem completely unaware of this fact. It wasn’t the first time such nagging had occurred, so he probably had some awareness.

“According to the dictionary, love is defined as a feeling of cherishing others, a driving force for understanding and helping, thoughts of longing and affection, and attraction. Science sees this as an extension of reproduction and survival instincts, but in other words, doesn’t that mean whether the reproductive function exists determines the existence of love? Unfortunately, there are far too many exceptions to this.”

“Of course, fundamentally, what’s the difference between humans and animals anyway?”

“Really? In essence, the primary criterion distinguishing humans from animals is love.”

“Are you saying that even walking upright and talking are due to love?”

“Bipedalism is possible for primates, and when it comes to communication through language, even ants and dolphins fall within the realm. You really need to read more books.”

Saying so, he pulled out a thick, old book from the bookshelf behind him.

Covered in dust aside, even the English title made it clear that it was far from being entertaining to anyone who looked at it.

Actually, there seemed to be a hint of wanting to change the subject that was evident. Though I wanted to pick a bone out of sheer curiosity, I decided to let it go.

“The anthropologist who wrote this book claimed that the beginning of civilization was ‘a fractured leg bone with signs of healing.’”

“Not pottery with raindrop patterns and dolmens?”

“Think about it for a moment. For a leg injury to heal naturally, it takes a very long time. During that period, one cannot go to the river to drink water or even attempt hunting. They become weak, on the brink of death, only to end up as meat for other animals. However, the fact that there is evidence of recovery… implies that someone on the stage of life has voluntarily transcended the natural laws of survival of the fittest and self-preservation. They helped despite knowing that such actions threatened the preservation of the species. While realizing the futility of these actions, they still showed kindness. Doesn’t this align almost perfectly with the ‘definition of love’? Although it may only be speculation, as far as changing the plot of this blatantly unique story goes, it’s quite… huh?”

“Overall, without making a big fuss about humanity.”

I interrupted the guy who had been enthusiastically rambling by handing him a snack, taking a breath.

This is why you shouldn’t just read books. Being cooped up in a room all day without friends, constantly thinking about strange and complex things leads your mind astray. It was time to put a stop to it.

“That’s an explanation of the power of love, not the reason for loving someone.”

“Well… can you explain then? Why do you do it?”

“Why is why. Probably just because we enjoy being together.”

“…Huh? But, that’s…”

“Why, don’t believe it because there’s no source?”

“No, if it’s about wanting to be together… doesn’t that mean I’m in love too?”

This time, it was my turn to fall silent.

It wasn’t just because I was short of breath due to the example, but this guy, although seemingly intelligent, occasionally threw out such absurd bombshells that left people in awkward situations.

“Cough, what are you suddenly talking about…”

“I enjoy the time spent with you. I like it when you pay attention to my stories. Isn’t that in line with the reasons for loving someone? Does that mean I’m in love right now?”

“Uh, well…? Am I…?”

“For instance, I don’t want you talking to other people.”

“…Huh?”

“I don’t want anyone approaching you. I want to know everything about where you are, what you’re doing. I get anxious and restless at the thought that you might show a side of yourself to someone else that I don’t know. No, that’s not enough. I just want to erase everything else and leave only you and me.”

“If that’s the case, you probably won’t get along well with others.”

“I only need you.”

“…Really?”

“Well, I don’t have that power, so it remains a hope.”

It seemed sincere.

If the problem was being unnecessarily verbose, he didn’t know how to lie.

Knowing that well, I found myself turning my head without a proper response.

“You confidently speak, yet in the end, you also don’t know. Love is truly perplexing…”

“W-whether it’s love or not, I also enjoy being with you!”

“Huh?”

“…Ah, no, I mean, that’s it.”

“Oh─ That’s a relief. Yes, indeed, nothing is as important as like-minded individuals sticking together.”

Accepting whatever he pleased, this guy nodded confidently while munching on his snack.

There are only two members in the club, but for now, I’m the president. Talking about love and then suddenly appealing with a sense of responsibility, no matter how much I think about it, it wasn’t an ordinary mindset. If his strangely diligent peculiarity was his charm, then it was charming—there was nothing more to say.