episode_0007

After Yunyoung died in the car accident, Mira’s life completely fell apart. Like a broken clock, everything was out of sync, and each day was a continuous cycle of living like a wreck.

She couldn’t focus on anything and often spent her days idly weeping. Breathing itself felt agonizing amidst the sorrow and self-reproach that Yunyoung had died because of her.

Even at her workplace, their understanding of her lover’s death only lasted for the first few weeks. Mira would sniffle, reminiscing about Yunyoung whenever she had a moment.

As time passed, there was no sign of improvement, and her work suffered, eventually leading to her being advised to resign.

After that, staying indoors, flipping through photo albums and diaries filled with memories of Yunyoung until she fell asleep, became Mira’s daily routine.

She couldn’t escape the swamp of her lover’s death, remaining stagnant and circling in place. Mira herself knew she had to overcome it, but her heart couldn’t follow.

The wounds from the accident didn’t heal with time. When she was still, she often felt an emptiness, as if her heart had been ripped open, and the thought that nothing could ever fill it again gnawed at her.

Yunyoung had been such a significant presence, and the sense of loss from having lost him withered her mind and body.

She utterly lacked the confidence to live as before. There were many times she wanted to die, following Yunyoung. If she died, she would be free from this pain, and there would be no more suffering or sadness.

But even that was not allowed for Mira.

‘Because it’s a life Yunyoung saved….’

Ending the life Yunyoung had saved by sacrificing himself was something she absolutely could not do, not even for Yunyoung’s sake.

If she did that, it would be no different from killing Yunyoung twice, so Mira had to confine her thoughts of suicide to mere imagination.

Had her thoughts not reached that point, she would have thrown herself into the middle of the road on the day she returned home from Yunyoung’s funeral.

As she walked home that day, with every step, she was gripped by the urge to die.

The precious person who had died because of her. And the sorrow of never being able to see him again.

Tormented by these complex emotions, Mira stopped walking and stared at the road.

A sweet impulse and desire pulled her, whispering that just a few more steps could end this useless, agonizing life.

But she couldn’t, because it was a life Yunyoung had saved. Even suicide was not allowed. Barely making it back home, Mira thereafter confined herself indoors, rarely venturing out.

Even more so after she was fired from her job. Her room was kept in darkness, thick curtains blocking out the sunlight.

Thus, her visit to the ossuary on Yunyoung’s death anniversary was truly her first outing in a long time.

He was the one who taught her that being alive could be joyful, and that living ordinary days wasn’t so bad.

She was happy to have met him. She was glad to be loved as his girlfriend. It was Yunyoung who had slowly filled the emptiness within her.

She had always believed she should gradually repay the kindness he had shown her throughout her life. The fact that he loved someone as insignificant as her filled her with immense gratitude and joy.

Yet, ungratefully, she had pushed Yunyoung into the pit of death.

She couldn’t believe it. In other words, it felt like only yesterday that she had held Yunyoung’s hand. Time flowed, but for her, it felt as though time had stopped since the accident.

When she closed her eyes, she saw herself walking excitedly to their meeting spot with Yunyoung.

-1-

Mira was currently visiting the ossuary where Yunyoung was enshrined. Yunyoung’s family had also seen her, but she was still an object of their animosity.

Upon encountering the bereaved family, Mira simply bowed in greeting and then slipped out of the room.

It felt awkward being inside the building with them.

She went around to the backyard to avoid being noticed and sat on a bench there. Staring silently at the ground, Mira murmured in a choked voice.

If she hadn’t existed in this world, Yunyoung wouldn’t have had to save her, so he wouldn’t have died, and his family wouldn’t have had to grieve.

A world where everyone would have been happy….

Moreover, Yunyoung could have met a woman far more wonderful and impressive than her. How many people were suffering and being harmed because of her?

Mira felt so sorry for everyone that she wanted to fall to her knees. To Yunyoung’s mother, to Yunyoung’s sibling, and to her beloved Yunyoung.

In the end, unable to compose her emotions, tears flowed from her eyes again.

Her emotions were so intense that she couldn’t speak properly. Her voice trembled and was unsteady.

Mira had no one else she could call family. Her father was imprisoned for life on a murder charge, and her divorced mother had abandoned Mira to start a new life.

For Mira, who had grown up in such an unhappy family environment, emotions were a luxury and an unnecessary burden. She had no desire to reclaim the feelings she had lost.

As she continued to live that way, an unexpected change occurred with the appearance of a man. He began to water the dry lake of Mira’s emotions and care for them diligently.

And he found her tears, and her laughter too. For Mira, Yunyoung was the person who helped her look at her unfortunate life in a positive light.

He was like a lighthouse for her life, which had been trapped in darkness. But instead of repaying his kindness, she had driven him to his death.

Consumed by the guilt that all this misfortune had originated because of her, she didn’t want to live. She believed someone like her didn’t deserve to cry, yet when sadness struck, her eyes would foolishly well up again.

Mira covered her tear-streaked face with both hands and sobbed quietly, her shoulders shaking. Even though crying made her feel even sadder, she couldn’t stop the tears.

Her life had little to do with the word ‘love’.

Her parents always fought, and whenever they did, Mira would huddle in her room, listening to the loud shouts and curses from the living room.

Afraid of what terrible things might happen if she drew attention, she would plug her ears and hold her breath in a corner, praying and praying for the moment to pass.

By the time she became a middle school student, her family was shattered.

Her father, who had murdered her mother’s lover, went to prison, and her mother completely lost affection for Mira, who carried her husband’s blood, becoming worse than a stranger.

One day, she returned home from school to find her mother gone. Mira didn’t even try to look for her.

It was because she had accepted that the moment she always expected had finally arrived. She had only been wondering when her fractured daily life would completely break, and her mother’s disappearance was merely the advent of that time.

With her father and mother gone from her life, Mira became practically an orphan. The front door was plastered with overdue rent notices and unpaid gas and sewage bills.

Whenever she had to leave the house, she was anxious, wondering if the landlord might be hiding outside, waiting for her.

In this situation, no one extended a hand to help her. Her relatives were all busy making excuses and turning away.

They spoke as if they would help someday, but she had long seen through it, realizing it was merely a lie to save face.

She knew she was a burden to her relatives as well.

There was no way anyone would love her when even her own parents had turned away from her.

She couldn’t live in that house anymore.

There was no one to welcome her, and no reason to stay. Recklessly, she packed only clothes in her bag and left the house. On the front door, she left a note apologizing to the landlord.

-1-

On the streets, she randomly asked people for directions and made her way to a factory complex. There, she stopped someone who seemed to be going to work and asked for a job.

Being very shy, she often hesitated to speak properly at first and missed opportunities. Even with the few coins she had, she couldn’t stay at a jjimjilbang (Korean bathhouse) because she was a minor.

In the end, she had no choice but to spend the night sitting on a toilet in a park restroom.

Even when she asked factory workers for employment, there were rarely any places willing to hire Mira, a minor. However, by chance, a manager who heard Mira’s circumstances hired her at a factory.

Guardian consent forms and various other procedures were required, but if they worried about such things, they couldn’t hire Mira. It was illegal employment, and if caught by outsiders, the factory could suffer losses, but the manager, knowing her dire situation, told her not to worry about it.

She lived by silently working like a machine, devoid of emotion.

When colleagues asked, she would cover their shifts, earning money relentlessly. At first, it was so hard that she would cry silently in the dormitory, but after a few months, she got used to it.

Factory work, which involved little talking and no interaction with people, suited her surprisingly well. Because her young age became a topic of conversation among her colleagues, many men flirted with her.

However, she didn’t want to form any relationships. Around that time, she felt a strong aversion and betrayal towards human relationships themselves.

After working at the factory for several years, Mira managed to save a substantial sum of money. Unable to continue living like that, she studied in her spare time, took the GED (General Equivalency Diploma) exam, and upon passing, she quit the factory.

She then studied seriously to enter university. As her financial situation wasn’t abundant, she couldn’t just study, so she also worked in a restaurant kitchen in the evenings to slowly cover her expenses.

While attending a vocational college, she started working part-time at a convenience store for a few hours in the afternoons due to tuition fees.

Since dealing with customers was part of customer service, she expected it to be difficult at first. Because she had only dealt with machines in the factory, interacting with customers felt strange and awkward.

However, the work was easier than she expected. Given the nature of convenience stores, all sorts of people came as customers. Among them were polite customers, but many were not.

If they were even slightly dissatisfied, they would often immediately raise their voices or hurl insults. The job of dealing with such customers was what was known as ’emotional labor’.

It would be natural to feel stressed and annoyed, but for Mira, whose emotions had dried up, it felt like nothing.

She simply bowed her head and repeatedly said, ‘I’m sorry.’

She had no pride to protect, so she didn’t feel stressed by interactions with customers. No matter what abusive behavior customers exhibited, she felt nothing.

It was as if she had a transparent barrier around her; their actions felt entirely separate and unrelated to her.

Then, an incident occurred.

A customer demanded a refund for an iced drink sold at the convenience store, claiming it didn’t taste as they expected. Mira explained that according to regulations, opened products could not be refunded unless there was a product defect, but the person continued to argue.

Mira responded in her usual emotionless, business-like, repetitive manner. The customer, unable to get a refund, became angry and threw the cup they were holding at Mira.

No matter how much customers exhibited abusive behavior, she had never been physically assaulted before. Perhaps it was because Mira was a young woman, but this time was different. The man disregarded such things and threw an object at Mira.

When the disposable cup hit her head, its contents spilled out, drenching her hair and clothes. Despite this, the customer showed no sign of apology and continued to hurl severe insults.

He claimed it was all Mira’s fault for not refunding him.

Still, Mira was unfazed. It didn’t matter since she could wash her clothes and shower when she got home. She merely considered it would be a bit uncomfortable until she finished her shift.