episode_0006

Plod, plod- Rustle- “Mmm…”

It was warm and firm. And there was a familiar scent. A scent that was nostalgic yet comforting. The comfort made my eyes open on their own.

“Aga…pe?”

The first thing I saw was Agape’s back. When I fully came to, I realized he was carrying me on his back, walking.

“Are you hurt anywhere?”

That warm single question about whether I was hurt. At that warmth, my heart felt like it would melt.

But apart from that, he looked exhausted. His plodding footsteps seemed to lack strength.

Only then did I notice the bloodstains on Agape’s clothes.

“Is this… your blood?” The bloodstain thoroughly soaked his side. When I asked, my face paling at the sight of the blood, Agape slowly shook his head.

Relieved by his answer, I quietly watched Agape’s back for a moment.

‘It’s probably best not to ask.’ What happened to those people from earlier. Even without asking, his exhausted back told me everything.

Instead, I offered a warm word. “-Thank you.”

“Huh?” “It must have been hard, saving me, right?” “…”

His steps slowed. What could he be thinking about? As I watched his thoughtful back, Agape replied playfully.

“So you knew.”

“Pfft.” What was that? His answer, so like him yet unlike him, made me laugh without realizing it.

As I did, Agape carefully asked me, “Are you okay?”

“What about?” What did he mean, ‘okay’? Thinking quietly about his worried tone, which was a little different from his earlier concern- “…Ah.”

Along with the sensation of blood draining from my head, my hands began to tremble uncontrollably. Tremble, tremble- “…I.”

I had killed someone for the first time. The blood and flesh stuck to the rusty blade. And the old man who had collapsed after being stabbed in the abdomen, screaming in pain. I knew he was the one who tried to assault me, but the fact that I had taken someone’s life for the first time dawned on me so vividly- I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head, burying my face in Agape’s back. As if burying my face in the ground, I pressed my neck into him.

As I faintly shivered from the slowly creeping guilt, Agape suddenly said something unexpected.

“You’re better than me.”

He said I was better than him. Was it a word of comfort, or was he teasing? Since Agape wouldn’t tease himself, it must have been comfort, but for a comforting remark, it was truly odd.

“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice slightly wet.

“At least you feel guilt.” Guilt. One of the basic emotions a person should possess.

“I’ve only felt that once in my life.”

Agape said he didn’t feel guilt himself. Why? How? For what reason was he saying that? My chest tightened at Agape’s emotional voice, as if he was calling himself trash who felt no remorse.

“My father died early.”

For the first time, he began to talk about his family. The story about his family that he always hid and desperately avoided whenever asked.

“In this harsh city, my mother raised me alone. She tried to raise me without want, and the warmth I received from her was so precious and warm that I’ll never forget it as long as I live.”

My world was filled entirely with darkness because of this cursed body that couldn’t even see stars. But one person, my mother, was the only star in that world of mine. Even if I couldn’t see the stars in the night sky, my mother’s existence itself was like a star that everyone revered and cherished.

His words carried the warmth of his mother. At the same time, I felt a piercing longing and nostalgia.

“She died because of me.” “…” “Because she wanted to feed me.”

So this was the story the Orc mentioned earlier. The story about her selling herself into slavery and meeting a tragic end.

“She didn’t die peacefully. She died painfully and disgracefully, in the worst way a person could imagine.”

The red-light district was raided by rioters and burned down. In that chaos, his mother was assaulted until the very end, then burned to death. When her body was found among the ruins after the commotion-

“Everything was burned, and she was charred black.” “…” “In return, I received a money pouch. A useless money pouch. A trashy money pouch obtained at the cost of the most precious person in the world.”

Money pouch. At those words, Kara recalled the old money pouch carefully kept in a corner of their hut. She had always wondered why it was treasured so much, but it turned out to be the money pouch obtained at the cost of his mother’s life.

“I felt like I was going crazy.” I hated the world so much. I couldn’t control my rage. I hated my weak self. I hated myself for being unable to do anything. And, at the fact that I couldn’t protect my mother because of my weakness- I felt such profound guilt. I wished I had died instead of my mother.

Deep regret poured out like cigarette smoke from Agape’s words, spoken quietly in an even voice. And in those words, spreading like smoke, was a murky, toxic, long-held truth, like cigarette smoke.

‘Agape-‘ I called his name, ready to comfort him immediately.

“I cut down everything in my path.” He spoke of his past, immediately after losing his mother.

“I couldn’t bring myself to use that money. Under the excuse of needing to survive, I cut down everything I saw in front of me.” Slicing, chopping, stabbing. Killing, killing, and killing again.

“With the sword that was my father’s relic, a renowned knight, I ceaselessly killed many people, granting myself legitimacy and using the excuse that it was justified.” That was why the Fallen people feared him.

“Then Roland approached me.” With eyes that didn’t seem to belong to a child his age at all. Eyes that seemed to hold all the wisdom of the world, yet at the same time, regret.

“As soon as he saw me, he pitied me. Do you know what he said when he first met me?” ‘Poor bastard.’

“Strangely, I didn’t get angry.” It was a remark that would usually have earned him a swift death. His right leg, limping from disease, marked by ragged breathing and widespread burns. And even an old cane to support that right leg. Seeing his gaunt and messy appearance, the rage that had been driving me was finally brought to a halt by the thought that he was just a madman.

“And it subsided as if by magic.” And with that single brake applied, my rage cooled rapidly. It was only after several months had passed since witnessing his mother’s end that he stopped the massacre.

“Seeing that, Roland said to me, ‘Are you finally done being angry?’” For a moment, I wanted to shout, ‘What do you know about me to say that?’ But in his eyes, there was an undeniable, clear sorrow and regret. There was a sincere desire to offer comfort. Seeing that, I instinctively told him to get lost, but I couldn’t push away Roland, who quietly followed me. And little by little, I began to open my heart to Roland, who occasionally helped me with his wisdom. That’s how my life with Roland began.

“So, did I feel sorry for the people I massacred? Didn’t my heart ache, even though I killed innocent people?” No. Not at all. At least this much, I could affirm. There was no regret, not a shred of guilt.

“A monster.” He said that to himself.

“An absolute monster. I expressed my rage by massacring countless people, but I was so steeped in my self-imposed justification that I couldn’t feel any guilt. I should have reflected on my mistakes, but even while doing so, there wasn’t a hint of remorse within me.”

At the same time he said that, Agape slowly turned his head. His dark eyes met mine.

“Kara.” He said, his voice warm but slightly sad.

“Guilt is the last safety device that allows a human to remain human.” The last safety device.

Agape, speaking those words, no longer considered himself human.

“So, never forget that guilt. Don’t try to overcome it, don’t forget that sorrow, but keep it in your heart. Just, not so heavily that it weighs you down.” Then that guilt will someday become a great safety device that allows you to remain human. Unlike me.

Kara spoke in a voice that sounded like she was about to cry. “What even is guilt?”

“Huh?” “What kind of guilt do *you* know to say such a thing?”

Drip, drip- “You’re regretting it.”

At those words, Agape tightly shut his mouth.

“If you’re regretting it, and you’re conveying that regret to me, isn’t that guilt? If you’ve learned a lesson not to do it again, isn’t that guilt?”

“Kara, I-” “Don’t ever say such things again.”

*Squeeze-* I tightly embraced Agape.

“You’re not a monster.” You’re just Agape.

“A normal person who knows how to be sad, how to be happy, and how to get angry.” And a warm person who dedicates himself, sacrificing his own body to keep his precious ones from getting hurt.

“Such a person, yet you call yourself a monster, not a human?” Don’t be mistaken.

“As long as I’m here, that will never happen. I’ll stay by your side to make sure you don’t. And even if you *do* become a monster-” “I alone will remain by your side until the end, and I’ll make sure you can return.” Absolutely. Forever.

“So don’t say such things. Don’t devalue the person I love, Agape, yourself.”

At those words, Agape’s body stiffened. It was the first time he had heard the word “love” from the usually shy Kara. So, for a moment, his earlobes unconsciously turned red from embarrassment.

“Understood.” The fact that someone cared for him this deeply made him smile faintly without realizing it. In a direction Kara couldn’t see.

“Did you understand me?!” “I understood.” I understood.

“I’m sorry.” Beneath the setting sun, he thought. He was probably the happiest person in the world.