episode_0005

Yako Tomoe

――

After the salon concert, what I did was apologize to the teachers who had attended. They had been looking forward to it so much. And it was just because of romantic troubles. There was no way they would forgive me even if I explained, so I simply kept repeating my apologies and bowing my head.

I had to forget. Forget my feelings for Kyotarou-kun, and my reliance on Takeo-kun.

Just because we were childhood friends, I had come to think of them as special.

My teachers were right; this wasn’t the time for me to be caught up in romantic affairs. Even at this very moment, my rivals were surely sharpening their claws and honing their fangs. Even after more than ten years of practice, just three days without playing could throw my senses out of whack.

During class, I’d imagine my desk as a keyboard and tap my fingers, during breaks I’d add actual sounds using a tablet, and during club activities, I’d pour my feelings into the keys. I’d studied hard too, so very hard.

“Accepted…?”

And then, I gained direct admission to one of the most prestigious music universities in Tokyo.

My teacher told me this wasn’t the end, nor even the first step on the path of artistry. But still, I felt a sense of relief. I had certainly reached a milestone. I thought about letting loose a little, and for the first time in a while, I tried to contact Kyotarou-kun.

By a miraculous coincidence, just as I was about to contact him, I received an incoming call from Takeo-kun. When I answered, he said he was curious about my university acceptance. When I told him I got in, he congratulated me with all his might over the phone, saying, “That’s great! Congratulations!”

In that moment, Kyotarou-kun, smiling and clapping, came to mind. Maybe forgetting him wasn’t even a matter of dimension. Why did I like him so much? I wondered if this was some kind of curse.

I was so dependent on Kyotarou-kun’s presence, and I believed that no matter what happened, he would eventually be by my side. Despite still being unable to act on them, my feelings were just spinning their wheels.

And I poured all those feelings into the keyboard.

Thinking only of Kyotarou-kun, playing only for Kyotarou-kun, wanting to make Kyotarou-kun turn my way.

Before I knew it, I was collaborating with video creators and being introduced as a genius pianist. I played impromptu sessions on street pianos installed at stations and even received local TV coverage, though it was outside the capital.

Around the same time, Takeo-kun also announced his transition from karate practitioner to fighter. He publicly declared that he would pursue a path as a professional fighter upon graduating high school. In his case, he already had a dedicated manager, and his activities had already evolved to the point where they were rumored to be on a major league level, from schedule management to magazine interviews.

“I don’t think anything’s changed for me, personally.”

Whenever we had free time, Takeo-kun and I started spending it together. Neither of us had much free time, but I truly felt how convenient it was to live close by in times like these.

If Kyotarou-kun were here, it would be perfect for me.

“Here, a present. I guess I’ve never given you a present before, Tomoe.”

When I asked what kind of present it was, he said, “For when you win an award, no matter where.” When I told him there were too many to choose from, we both smiled wryly. I opened it to find a small, heart-shaped necklace.

“You haven’t been wearing the locket lately, have you?” “No, I haven’t. I’m keeping it carefully put away.” Even though I tried to forget, I couldn’t, and it’s still in my desk drawer. How could I possibly forget? I’ve been thinking about him for over ten years.

To Takeo-kun, who was begging me to wear it, I replied, “I’m sorry.” And I put it away in the same drawer where I kept the locket. In my heart, the two of them would always be together. I never wanted them to be apart, my eternal childhood friends.

Time flew by, and soon it was the graduation ceremony.

Though I cried along with the tears of my underclassmen, I toured every part of the school, starting with my classroom. Along the way, I chatted with teachers I passed, got caught by underclassmen and cried again. There was even a blackboard with beautiful drawings, and seeing them made me cry once more.

I think it was several hours of crying my eyes out.

After finishing my tour, I sat alone at my desk in the classroom I had attended for a year. Looking outside, the cherry blossoms were beautifully in bloom, and it almost looked as if they were celebrating our new beginnings as graduates.

“Kyotarou-kun… I wonder where he is.”

At the entrance ceremony, the three of us had laughed together. Before that, we had studied desperately for exams and laughed a lot. I had surely thought that high school life would bring even more laughter.

But looking back, I had been crying all the time. It was all Kyotarou-kun’s fault. It was Kyotarou-kun’s fault for suddenly distancing himself from us.

I wanted to see the cherry blossoms and smile at least at the graduation ceremony, like we did three years ago. I had been hoping that if I waited here, Kyotarou-kun would find me.

“…So this is where you were.”

“Well, if it isn’t the celebrity,” Takeo-kun said, calling out to me. He sat in the desk in front of mine, resting both arms on the backrest like a pillow, and turned to face me. Come to think of it, Takeo-kun was always by my side. He was also a childhood friend, and he had protected me in many ways and helped me.

But why? I couldn’t bring myself to like Takeo-kun as a man. This wasn’t so much my emotion as it was something deeper, closer to instinct, that was telling me this. I couldn’t fight it; he was always a childhood friend, a strong and reliable older brother figure.

“Three years flew by, didn’t they?” I said, standing up and going to the window. Takeo-kun followed me, agreeing. The graduation ceremony cleanup was nearly finished, and fewer students were walking outside. Where was Kyotarou-kun? Had he already gone home?

Our paths were separate. Since I had majored in music, it was impossible for us to be in the same field.

So, if I missed today, it might become difficult to even see him again.

“Kyotarou-kun… can’t we go back to how things were?”

How many times had I cried now? My handkerchief was discolored and no longer its original shade. Still, when I pressed it to the corners of my eyes, trying to cheer myself up, Takeo-kun offered me his own blue handkerchief. I told him no number of handkerchiefs would be enough, but Takeo-kun smiled wryly and said he’d prepare as many as I needed.

Somehow, I just wanted to cry uncontrollably. Our childhood friend relationship might just end as a childhood friend relationship. I wanted a different relationship with Kyotarou-kun, something more.

“If it’s me, I’ll lend you my shoulder.”

Those sweet words were probably sincere. It was always like that; whenever I truly wanted to cry, Takeo-kun was there, comforting me with gentle words. And even now, I leaned into him. His broad chest offered a warm temperature that brought me comfort.

I was a terrible person. Even I had long since realized how Takeo-kun felt about me. Though indirectly, Takeo-kun had been expressing his affection for me, yet I neither accepted nor rejected it.

Even though I knew that was the worst thing to do.

“…Thank you, Takeo.”

“Are you sure?”

“…Yes, I’m alright now.”

My tears stopped, but I knew I would surely cry a lot again. Only Kyotarou-kun could control this emotion, because he was the cause of all of it.

Next time I saw Kyotarou-kun, no matter the situation, I would confess.

This current situation was my fault. Not confessing for so long, not having the courage, trying to use various people – this situation was my punishment for that. If I were to be rejected as a result… then――.

“Congratulations! Both of you! I’ve known all about it since freshman year! You two have been dating all this time! I’m happy for you as a childhood friend too! Really, congratulations! I wish you both happiness!”

His words came like a sudden ambush, startling me. I thought my heart would stop. Beyond the classroom door, which had been thrown open with force, stood Kyotarou-kun, whom I had searched for everywhere. And what were those words he just said? What did he mean? That I was dating Takeo-kun? Since freshman year? Was that why he started distancing himself from us, from me?

No, it was worse than that. I was currently embracing Takeo-kun. This was bad; Kyotarou-kun must be misunderstanding. Anyone would misunderstand, anyone would think that. So I needed him to let go, Takeo-kun, you understand, don’t you? Please let go, I, I――.

“N-no, that’s not it, please listen, Kyotarou-kun!”

“…No, it’s not wrong. Thank you, Kyotarou.”

I didn’t understand what Takeo-kun was saying. I couldn’t comprehend it, because Kyotarou-kun was right in front of us! If he said something like that, Kyotarou-kun would definitely misunderstand――.

The strength that held me was something I couldn’t fight. He had always been a reliable older brother, Takeo-kun was always an older brother, a strong and dependable older brother. Why was he trying to change? Why were you trying to change?

It was my fault. Because I had relied on Takeo-kun too much.

That’s why I led Takeo-kun astray.

But I didn’t want to accept it.

“Let go! Why?! Why?!”

“Can’t you see?! Our worlds are different now, his and ours! He’ll be a burden in the future! An ordinary person and a celebrity can’t possibly be a match, can they!? He’ll have to face that disparity every day for decades until he dies! You, Tomoe, should know how much that will torment him!”

I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything like that. Because we were always together, the three of us, in the past. We were a trio with no differences. Why would he say such cruel things? There was no disparity. For Kyotarou-kun, I would abandon everything.

I wasn’t even playing music because I wanted to.

I pushed Takeo-kun away and chased after Kyotarou-kun. But I couldn’t find him anywhere, and he wouldn’t answer my calls. Eventually, the voice from the speaker changed to that of a blocked call, and I cried, louder than I had all day, though I didn’t know how many times I had cried already.

It was already midnight. I had never been out this late before. With Kyotarou-kun still not answering, no matter how many times I called, I stood frozen in front of his house.

The lights weren’t on. Was he asleep? Or was he still not home, like me?

Kyotarou-kun, if that’s what you want, I can go somewhere far away, just like this.

Just the two of us, in a place with nothing, to end our childhood friend relationship. And then.

“…Oh, Tomoe, what’s wrong? I was worried since you were so late.”

My parents came out of the house and escorted me inside. I then slept like the dead. I must have slept for over a day, and my feet hurt terribly, probably because I had been walking so much my blisters burst.

No matter how far apart our hearts were, physically, we were close.

He was my childhood friend, after all. Kyotarou-kun was still within walking distance.

I wanted to see him, to tell him it was all a misunderstanding, to explain everything.

Takeo-kun might have taken my first kiss, but everything else was still clean.

Kyotarou-kun, I want to see you and talk. I want to hear your voice. I want you to listen to my performance again and say, “That’s amazing.” I want to see your dimples when you smile. I want you to applaud. I had been playing the piano only for you.

“…What? Moving?”

“Yes, didn’t Kyotarou tell you, Tomoe-chan? It’s about three prefectures away, you see. Kyotarou, my son, is going to a university in the countryside… Wait, is that news to you too?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t know any of it. We had been far apart. For all three years of high school, Kyotarou-kun and I had been distant. Kyotarou-kun’s room, after he moved, had already been turned into a storage space for belongings.

We used to sit on the carpet and laugh together when we were kids. I borrowed Kyotarou-kun’s manga and laughed so much. We hid in his bed playing hide-and-seek. Everything, we did everything together.

He was gone. The most important person, the only person I wanted by my side, was gone.

It was all music’s fault, it was all the piano’s fault.

So――.

“…Kyotarou-kun.”

After getting his address from his parents, I went to him alone.

It took time to abandon everything, but now I was just Yako Tomoe.

There was no disparity anymore; I had returned to being a normal girl.

Kyotarou-kun, when I saw him after so long, seemed a little taller than before.

And… he was holding hands with a woman I didn’t know.

――

Next chapter “What Lies at the End of Recklessness.”