episode_0002

Yako Tomoe

—

I wonder when it was that I fell in love with Kyotarou-kun.

Ever since I could remember, he’d been by my side, always quick to offer a helping hand whenever I was in trouble. I’d come to think it was only natural for me to fall for him.

Takeo-kun was there too, but he was more the type to forge ahead on his own. When I was in trouble, he’d push me away, as if to say, “Tomoe can handle it herself, right?” While Takeo-kun was a good friend, I never truly fell for him.

One day, I invited both of them over to my house and played the piano. I was still in elementary school, and it wasn’t a famous piece, just an exercise to help me play with both hands. Unlike Takeo-kun, who read a book as if uninterested, Kyotarou-kun smiled and clapped, praising my performance, saying it was amazing.

I was so happy to be praised by him that I practiced the piano whenever I had a spare moment. I became able to play several famous pieces and improved enough to be praised by my teacher, but my wish was always for Kyotarou-kun’s smile and applause.

When I was in junior high, I learned from a magazine that people like him are called “affirmative people.” It said they were the best kind of boyfriend: someone who heals you when you’re tired, immediately helps when you’re in trouble. Someone you don’t have to be careful around, someone whose presence makes you feel at ease.

“…That’s just like Kyotarou-kun.”

I still remember the involuntary grin that spread across my face.

As my opportunities to travel abroad increased, I played the piano in various places. Along with that, I started learning English conversation, and gradually, the time I spent with Kyotarou-kun decreased. However, I used the thought that all of it would ultimately lead back to his smile as my sole motivation to manage my daily demanding schedule.

But then, one day, Kyotarou-kun started to distance himself from me. I tried to ask why, but there was no time. Someone was always around me, whispering in my ear like static. I couldn’t just brush them off, and I gradually grew tired of dealing with it all with a forced smile every day.

“Apparently, Kyotarou has made some new friends recently.”

It was one such day. Though Kyotarou-kun and I were growing apart, for some reason, the time I spent alone with Takeo-kun increased. That was the only piece of information I could get about Kyotarou-kun during that time. I hadn’t noticed because we weren’t in the same class, but when I pretended to go to the restroom during break time and peeked into Kyotarou-kun’s classroom, he was indeed having fun with several male students.

If they weren’t girls, it was fine. I was sure Kyotarou-kun would be happy if I did something again. Believing this, I continued my life as before.

The time we couldn’t meet became too long, and at some point, I started slipping his photo into a locket. Even if I couldn’t be by his side, I wanted my feelings to be. Feeling my feelings for Kyotarou-kun growing like steadily falling snow, I decided alone to confess to him.

“You still like Kyotarou, huh?”

Those were Takeo-kun’s words to me. When I replied with a ‘Yes,’ he just said, ‘I see.’ Only to him, my childhood friend, had I conveyed my feelings. Because while Kyotarou-kun was the one who made me feel most at ease, Takeo-kun was the one I trusted the most. When I consulted Takeo-kun about wanting to confess to Kyotarou-kun, he said those previous words and simply encouraged me, saying ‘Go for it.’

I wanted both of them to stay with me even when we grew up. At that time, I didn’t understand how cruel a thing I was saying.

Surprisingly, I lacked courage and spirit. Having lost track of the distance between Kyotarou-kun and me, I could never bring myself to invite him out.

One such day, I was to be honored again for a piano concert, and I ascended the stage alone amidst the gathering of the entire student body. I was already used to it; I no longer felt much nervousness or joy. After receiving words from the principal and bowing politely, I turned around and bowed to the entire student body. I loved searching for Kyotarou-kun in that brief moment. He always looked at me, smiling and clapping. He used to come to the venue, but Kyotarou-kun also has his own engagements, so asking for that much would surely be a bother. So, I thought, if only I could see his smile just at this moment. But then…

Kyotarou-kun was looking down, sitting without a single clap.

“No way…”

My muttered word, escaping my lips unintentionally, vanished into the roaring whirlwind of applause. If Kyotarou-kun wasn’t happy, what exactly was I striving for? What had happened to Kyotarou-kun? I didn’t know, but I couldn’t ask. Even as I resented the futile passage of time, our high school life relentlessly pressed on towards its end.

Even after that, I received several more awards and went up on stage, but Kyotarou-kun no longer even glanced my way.

“I wonder why… Did I do something awful to Kyotarou-kun?”

Takeo had been cold recently too, and whenever I tried to consult him about something, he’d just say, ‘I’m busy,’ and that would be the end of it. More than the strangers who lauded me, I wanted to hear Kyotarou-kun’s voice, or Takeo-kun’s. Feelings, if not put into words, cannot be conveyed. But I lacked that courage.

Because I had been so dejected recently, my parents worried and arranged a salon concert for me. My Dad told me, “It’s good to play the piano without worrying about anything sometimes. Ignore all the awards and grades, just play freely.”

I thought this was my last chance. I would invite Kyotarou-kun to this and confess to him in front of my family, in front of everyone. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to erase everything that had happened so far. Thinking that the more witnesses, the better, I even invited Takeo-kun, my piano friends, and the teachers who had helped me until then. Looking back, I must have been completely carried away. I couldn’t imagine a future where the confession failed.

“I have a concert coming up. It’s not for club activities or a competition. It’s called a salon concert… my parents rented out a restaurant just for me. So, I was hoping Kyotarou-kun could come too… are you free this Saturday, by any chance?”

Seeing Kyotarou-kun up close after so long, his hair was a bit longer than before, but he hadn’t styled it. He had changed a little since childhood, but the eyes peeking out from his bangs were the same as before. When he smiled, they narrowed, and he’d laugh with dimples.

A blank. For some reason, a pause stretched, and I couldn’t endure it.

“Oh, and of course, since it’s a restaurant, you can eat there, so it’s fine if you just come for a meal. And Takeo-kun said he’d come too, so Kyotarou-kun also—”

I strung words together aimlessly, yet frantically. Without the slightest idea that those words were incredibly, painfully difficult for Kyotarou-kun.

“—Sorry, I have an unavoidable engagement that day. Please invite someone else.”

I couldn’t breathe. The locket I unconsciously clutched in my hand rattled. Someone else? There’s no one to replace Kyotarou-kun! What kind of unavoidable engagement is it? I’ll adjust to it, so please, I want you to listen. I want you to praise me like before, to clap, to smile with your dimples. …I want you to be by my side.

Even after Kyotarou-kun was gone, I kept crying there. A few students noticed my crying and came over, but it wasn’t you, whose faces and names I didn’t even know, whom I wanted by my side. The only one I wanted by my side was Kyotarou-kun.

On the day of the salon concert. Dressed in a gown, I sat before the piano, gazing at the keys. What was it all for? What was I seeking when I played the piano? The sheet music was blurred and unreadable. Tears dripped down endlessly. The person I wanted there wasn’t there. Looking at the empty front-row seat, I pressed my lips together, my cheeks trembling.

In the end, my concert, to which I had invited many people, became nothing more than a dinner party that day. Without being scolded by my parents, I returned home and lay alone on my bed.

“…I’ll forget about it now.”

I slowly sat up and took off the locket hanging from my neck. I put it inside a drawer and locked it with a click.

—

Next: The Oblivious Fool and the Silent Fool.