episode_0001

Prologue.

Seoul nights are beautiful.

The cityscape viewed from the bridge shines more dazzlingly than the subway ride home.

However, my body trembled like a quaking aspen.

Was it the chilly night air?

Or perhaps the soju I had gulped down?

Or maybe… because death was looming ahead?

“Phew…”

I gripped the railing with both hands.

It was hard to steady myself.

If I were to jump now, I would naturally fall into the cold water below.

Yet, there was still some regret over the remaining soju.

Spending time with alcohol.

Dependent on it, the half-empty soju felt regretful.

In reality, is it not lingering attachment to life rather than the soju?

Who knows.

My life is already ruined.

I lit a cigarette.

Even though it’s only about 17 degrees of alcohol.

Drinking it like water without any side dishes, the burning sensation flows down my throat.

All gone.

Three bottles.

All emptied.

My body wouldn’t listen.

Whether it’s the cold air or the desire to end it all.

My mind was clearer than ever.

A characteristic of a drunkard, but that’s just my opinion.

I wanted to scream out to the world.

To open my mouth.

Under the name Jusa, I wanted to shout from the bridge.

But after over four years of enduring this life.

I couldn’t muster the courage to do so.

“Phew, phew, hehe… huhu…”

Ridiculous.

Truly ridiculous.

In my mid-twenties.

People would laugh if they saw me.

Engaged in the prime of youth.

Yet, the laughter didn’t stop.

Even thinking back, I must have been quite foolish.

Kindly speaking, a good person.

Harshly speaking, a fool.

That’s who I was.

Isn’t it funny?

One woman ruining a person’s life.

Seemingly ordinary until adulthood.

Graduated from middle and high school, a regular guy hanging out with friends in the neighborhood.

Was that the problem?

At twenty, first love arrived and became the culprit of ruining my life.

“Do you have any worries?”

“…?!”

In an instant, a voice from beside almost stopped me from attempting suicide.

I hadn’t sensed anyone approaching.

No matter how much I drank, not seeing someone come right up to me was another issue.

I was tongue-tied.

What could be important now?

“Go away.”

“Are you going to die?”

She was a woman.

Someone whose face was hard to look at directly.

Still, her voice indicated she was a woman.

Interestingly, she was very tall.

Taller than my 170cm height, making me tilt my head up.

Is she a volleyball player?

I wasn’t curious about her profession.

I’m the one who’s going to die now.

Even if she’s a stranger, I didn’t want to burden her with guilt.

“I won’t speak. Leave.”

“If you’re going to die anyway, at least tell me your story.”

“…Do you not understand?”

She was a strange person.

Normally, when someone is dying, you don’t say such things.

You usually try to instill hope.

But she seemed…

Like someone who wanted to witness death.

Instinctively, unease surged within me.

Was it because I rely on alcohol and feel fear conversing with people, or was it due to an instinct suggesting she might not be a typical ‘person’?

I wasn’t sure, but I stopped thinking further.

What’s the point of agonizing and doubting?

I’m going to die now.

With that thought, I felt relieved.

Perhaps it was thanks to the words of the woman I heard.

“On your way, untangle your regrets. I’ll listen. Speak.”

“I’ll listen to everything and then leave. You’ll be alone.”

“Yes.”

I exhaled deeply.

Feeling utterly pathetic.

A fool, too much of a fool.

A hollow laughter lingered on the lips before dispersing.

Where should I start?

Right.

“She was beautiful.”

Softly.

I recount my story.

Because everything had ended just before death.

I explain the stories that I, who had slipped from her hands, could understand.

“Why did such a woman love someone like me? Doubtful throughout the relationship. She was so beautiful, even compared to celebrities.”

“I see.”

Was it because it was first love?

Everything was immature and difficult.

There was more pain and hardship in dating than in love.

Later on, they called it gaslighting.

Yes.

It was a funny word, but it felt refreshing.

She was the perpetrator, not me.

Society said so, but life was shattered thereafter.

After four years, I depended on alcohol, and the thought of seeing women scared me.

When I came to my senses, human relationships were ruined.

Not just friends, but family too.

“Quite pathetic, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Haha, isn’t that too quick of an answer?”

Facing death, there was a sense of change.

At least, I was casually telling my story to the woman next to me.

Though I spoke, it felt foolish.

“I loved her at first. Oh, I must be lacking. I must be inadequate. She blamed inadequacy within love. And I blamed myself again.”

“It’s the first time, after all.”

“…The first time. Yes. The first… Immature and full of mistakes. But did it have to be her?”

Gradually, the end of my story began to emerge.

We broke up three times in four years.

Yet I played with her, blamed myself.

Life deteriorated. I complied with financial demands under the guise of love.

Like a fool, I engaged in ridiculous behavior.

Lips opened and closed repeatedly.

It was foolish to say this aloud.

It was the climax of the story, the moment it fell apart, and could finally be liberated.

“She knew I was cheating. One day she said…”

“What did she say?”

“Bluntly, ‘I’m transferring. I now love another man, not you.’”

Breathing became increasingly difficult.

Recalling the past, a tightness gripped my heart.

A green soju bottle fell into the Han River.

My body trembled like a prey meeting a predator.

I spoke but couldn’t continue properly.

“Well… I clung like a fool. Don’t go, please…”

“I see.”

“Cough, huff, huff… But she, that woman…”

I raised my head.

Seoul’s beautiful night view swayed.

Half of the world drowned in water.

“I played with you. Let’s date with three people…”

“With three people?”

The struggles when two people dated.

Days of agony that would become unbearable.

Two men dating one woman?

This isn’t a romance novel; what is this?

This is the 21st century South Korea.

She gradually turned malicious.

She began to weigh me against him.

Every action, every detail, she liked him, disliked me.

Not even like a mom comparing her sons.

When she suggested the three of us go on a trip, I almost lost my mind.

In the end, we went, and she truly went crazy.

“So… We broke up six months later.”

“….”

“Hahaha! I’m too much of a fool… right?”

“You seem like a coward.”

“…A coward?”

The disappointed laughter ceased.

At the mention of being a coward, it pierced like a dagger.

I couldn’t say anything.

“I understand, but aren’t you protecting yourself with self-blame as a defense mechanism?”

“….”

“Trying not to reveal his foolish self, isn’t it better to mention it first?”

It was the right answer.

Therefore, his lips sealed even tighter.

Feeling full of shame, his cheeks flushed.

He wanted to explode in anger, but he couldn’t bring himself to deny the truth.

“Ha, hahaha… You’re right.”

“I’m not attacking you, just hoping you can bear it.”

“You’ve already hit me hard. Is that all you have to say?”

“Hmph, I suppose so.”

“…Did you just laugh?”

The laughter made his heart itch.

A woman who seemed emotionless and dry in her tone burst into laughter.

A brief silence ensued.

“I-I said it. If you don’t want to see an ugly sight, please leave.”

“An ugly sight? Are you going to hit me?”

“I’ll jump into the river; life is tough.”

“You seem like a kind person.”

“That’s debatable. I owe 200 million won; I can’t even pay back the money.”

Imagining a bottle of soju submerged in water where its form is invisible, he savored the thought on his tongue.

There might only be a few drops left.

As he gazed at the dark waterway for a while, the woman’s voice reached him.

“What do you think about living a selfish life?”

“Is that possible?”

“I’ll let you live the opposite life. Without any burdens.”

“Haha, are you some kind of god?”

“Close enough.”

“I must be really drunk too.”

Even though things were tough, he wasn’t at the point of experiencing hallucinations and auditory hallucinations.

Perhaps it was time to leave.

“There is another world. It must be a comfortable life there.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. Just turn on the camera and start broadcasting, and thousands will be hooked.”

“Well, will you make me a woman?”

“If you wish?”

Something like TS, right?

Knowing it’s nonsense, how nice would it be if that were reality?

At the point where I felt pathetic for seriously contemplating it, I ultimately declined.

“Ugh, no thank you. I prefer being a man.”

“Good for you.”

“Excuse me?”

Upon hearing “good for you,” he asked back.

Despite knowing it was nonsensical.

The woman who had given him a chance at life held onto the deal.

And once again, I listened to it seriously.

“It’s similar to reality but different. Roles. Yes, think of it as roles being reversed for your comfort.”

“What does that mean?”

“Men act like women, and women act like men. Not just gender norms, but social roles are reversed in that place.”

“Haha, what a strange world.”

“Women go to the military, and men are weaker. That kind of world.”

His mouth twisted.

Is there really such a world?

A cold feeling settled deep in his heart.

However, the learned helplessness within me blocked that feeling.

“It sounds good, but… I’m tired. Just hearing ‘woman’ makes me shiver.”

“It’ll be okay. Even if you stay still, you’ll be chased.”

“…Why are you making such a proposal to me?”

He wondered.

Why? To me?

“I think you’ll do well. You look like the right person for the job.”

“….”

“I promise you a comfortable life.”

“A comfortable life…”

Am I feeling this way because I’m exhausted?

A comfortable life.

The excitement from the word filled his chest.

How wonderful would that be?

“That sounds good, then.”

“I’m counting on you.”

In an instant, my body floated up.

Not due to telekinesis or any special power.

Simply put, a taller woman than me lifted me up.

Just like holding a baby.

With both hands in my armpits.

“W-What kind of strength…!”

“You’ll get used to it. It’s that kind of world.”

“Ah…”

In that moment, there was nothing but confusion.

Because the woman had thrown me just like that.

Outside the railing into the cold river water.

Closing my eyes tightly, deep darkness enveloped me.

It didn’t take long at all.