Episode 99. Pregnancy (2)

I was speechless at the shocking confession. Edward, at a loss for words, stared blankly at Winnie’s lips. As if he hadn’t heard, or perhaps to confirm it again, Winnie spoke once more.

“I have a baby in my belly. I’ve never even held another man’s hand… except for you.”

Edward knew that well. Before sleeping with him, Winnie liked women; would she, a virgin, have met any other man? Still, it was hard to believe. Edward instinctively wanted to ask if she was joking, but he recalled what he had just heard and swallowed the words down his throat.

“Weren’t you… weren’t you taking precautions?”

“I told you, there’s no such thing as ‘absolute’… There are exceptions to everything. Even to the birth control I make.”

After all that jizzing inside, hoping not to get pregnant just because she took some precautions felt like wishful thinking. From the start, it was a battle between a shield that had to block everything without fail and a spear that only needed to hit once. It might have been different if the number of encounters was small, but as the number of clashes increased, it was overwhelmingly disadvantageous for the shield.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’ve tried every method I know.”

The first time she felt something was off was when Monica and Vera drank the tea without any problems, but Winnie alone couldn’t. After that, feeling strange, Winnie tried every possible way to find out if she was pregnant. At first, she thought she would dismiss it as quackery if only a few tests came back negative, but there wasn’t a single test that didn’t show a positive result. Thinking it was an error, that there must have been a mistake during the test, she tried again thoroughly and meticulously, but it only confirmed the result that Winnie couldn’t accept.

Winnie felt sadness at Edward’s stammering and questioning, as if he were clearly panicking at the thought of an unwanted child. But she couldn’t help but understand. She knew rationally that the existence of this child wouldn’t be helpful. Winnie only had Edward, a married man, around her; if she suddenly had a child, of course, he would be suspected.

While feeling sad at Edward’s reaction, she also thought it was a good thing she had prepared in advance. If she had started making the abortion pill today, it would have taken several more weeks, and the effect would have been weaker and more terrible as the pregnancy progressed. With difficulty, she moved her lips, which felt like they wouldn’t part, and told Edward the truth.

“…You don’t need to worry so much.”

“…Huh?”

Unable to bring herself to look at his face, she stared at the floor. If she looked at his face and remembered that a handsome child resembling Edward was growing in her belly, her resolve might waver. Even now, she kept thinking about the baby because of her lower abdomen, which was visible in the corner of her vision while looking at the floor, but she forcibly pushed it out of her mind. Rationally, this was the best course of action. For the sake of everyone in Yulstein.

“Just in case it would be a problem if a child were born, I’ve prepared a way to undo it.”

She said, pointing to the medicine bubbling in the hearth on one side of the room. A medicine that would cleanly erase the child’s existence. Winnie had carefully selected a medicine that wouldn’t have major side effects on her body. The side effect of emptiness in one corner of her heart would be significant, though.

“If I drink that, it will be as if I was never pregnant.”

She didn’t want to pretend it never happened. Instead of her dishonest self, it was a part of her beloved that her body had held onto. She didn’t want to erase the fact that she was Edward’s woman, that she was ahead of other women in at least one thing.

“Since you’re already married, it would be tiring to have one more woman to take responsibility for, right?”

She wanted him to take responsibility. No, she just wanted him to cherish her. She knew it was impossible because of her close friend and the person she looked up to as a mother, but she wanted to be his first woman. The most cherished, whispering love to each other openly.

“Especially since we’re not exactly in love.”

But that couldn’t be. Did he even love her in the first place? It was a relationship that she had unilaterally started by clinging to him. What reason would Edward, who had a much more feminine, gentle, warm, and lovely woman as his lover, have to love her, who was much more meager and treated him curtly, and couldn’t even say a single word of love? A woman who clung to him with absurd reasons like wanting him to take care of her sexual desires and correct her sexual preferences.

There were too many reasons that couldn’t be overcome with just the desire to raise his child. She didn’t have the confidence to raise a child alone that no one but her wanted. Vera might be able to help… but she couldn’t rely on her forever. It was better to just erase it cleanly than to cause any more trouble. She only had to give up one thing, one wish.

Edward didn’t react. He wasn’t the type to stay silent for this long. What expression was he making right now? A troubled expression? A relieved expression? It was sad that she couldn’t even look at his face, which she hadn’t seen in two months, but it was even more frightening for Winnie to confirm Edward’s reaction. Thinking that Edward was in a bad mood, Winnie hurriedly added.

“If you’re reluctant to abort the child, I can go somewhere no one knows and raise it alone… euht…”

Edward’s large, rough hands grabbed her cheeks, which were bowed. She resisted trying to lift her head, but it was impossible for Winnie to resist him with her strength. Avoiding eye contact, she was forced to meet his eyes and accept the intense emotion he conveyed with his entire face.

“Don’t say such nonsense.”

Whether it was because of what she had just said, or for some other reason. Edward spoke in an angry voice. But in that angry face, she could glimpse the emotion of ‘joy’ that she secretly desired, even though she thought it couldn’t be.

Edward picked up the boiling pot.

“Wh, what are you going to do with that?”

Edward, with an angry expression, silently carried the pot to the window.

“Ah, isn’t it hot? Are you okay?”

As Winnie, who had been burned by the pot several times while making the medicine, couldn’t help but worry about Edward’s hands. How could he grab that hot thing with his bare hands? What if he got burned? And as if he were going to get rid of it completely, Edward poured out the contents outside without leaving a single drop. Startled by his sudden action, Winnie looked for ointment for his injured hands.

“Your hands. Give me your hands. What do I do…”

She generously applied the ointment she had worked hard to make to his rough hands, which were red and flushed. His palms and fingers were all red. Feeling an indescribable emotion at the sight of Edward swallowing his groans as if he weren’t in pain, she wrapped bandages around each one. Looking at her, Edward said.

“Don’t even think about eating something like that.”

“B, but…”

“Don’t.”

Edward’s intense gaze was fixed on her. For a moment, she thought, ‘Could I really give birth?’ but she steeled her heart and regained her senses. This was not a good thing for Edward or for her.

“…Really?”

But the words that came out of Winnie’s mouth were different. Unable to take back the true feelings that had inadvertently leaked out, she waited for the man in front of her to part his lips. She felt his arms, strong but not rough, gently trapping her in his embrace so she couldn’t escape. With their hearts closest to each other, Edward came close to her.

“Really.”

Had it been too long since she had seen him? There were so many parts that were different from Winnie’s memory. The Edward she knew was a more swaggering, unknightly man. He wasn’t the kind of man who could say such manly things. It seemed like something had been put over her eyes.

“Of course, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. In the first place, the reason you and I had a relationship was just to normalize your preferences and satisfy my sexual desires.”

She remembered the first night she spent with Edward. He had made such absurd excuses and had a relationship with her. Even back then, she never thought she would feel such emotions for Edward.

“But, if that’s not the case. If you don’t want our relationship to end at that level.”

Edward inhaled. Was it a nerve-wracking thing for him to say too? Edward, who took a calm breath, said to her with the most affectionate face Winnie had ever seen.

“Stay by my side and give birth to my child, Winnie.”

“…Okay.”