Episode 124. Karma (5)

“Huu…”

The night breeze is cold. Autumn hasn’t completely left yet, but the night, close enough to winter, was quite chilly. Thankfully, the wind wasn’t blowing fiercely. I was grateful for the coat I hastily threw on before leaving.

I exited the castle through the back door, the farthest from the exit but the closest to the Mountberne mansion. It wasn’t a frequently used door, but I remembered going in and out a few times.

I was thankful Monica-ssi wasn’t a light sleeper, as I realized when I went to see Vera noona. I had just spent some time with her, humoring her desire to spend the night together, and she was sound asleep after I pretended to doze off for a bit. It’s unlikely Monica-ssi would wake up at this hour, given her personality. If Monica-ssi keeps following me around like today, or rather, yesterday, the only time I can act freely is from now until morning training. We eat breakfast together, after all.

Under the brightly shining moonlight, I walked along the well-maintained path leading to the Mountberne mansion. I was sure Winnie was asleep right now, but if it wasn’t now, I wouldn’t have time to avoid Monica-ssi’s eyes. I even gave up seeing Vera noona for this, so I’d be happy just to see her face.

It’s definitely not a long distance, but why does it feel so long? Is it because I’m about to see Winnie, and the thought that I haven’t been paying enough attention to her is slowing me down? Still, step by step, I walked along the hard stones on the ground.

Winnie’s place came into view.

“The lights are off…”

Well, I came out earlier than her usual training time, so it would be stranger if she wasn’t sleeping at this late hour. She looked so tired, like she couldn’t even sleep properly, so I was relieved that she was at least getting some rest.

But this made me even more hesitant to go in. I don’t even know how long she’s been asleep, and I’m just going to barge in and wake her up? If that happens when she’s only been asleep for a short time, it’s not good for Winnie, regardless of how sorry I feel. Vera noona has the stamina to handle being ambushed in the middle of the night, but Winnie, who is fragile and thin, is already not in good condition, and waking her up after she’s finally fallen asleep…

But it’s also hard to just go back, because the timing is awkward, and I’m not sure when we’ll be able to meet alone like this again. I feel like I’ll be stuck with Monica-ssi all day, and even if I can wander around the castle occasionally, it’s impossible to come all the way here. As far as Monica-ssi knows, Winnie and I don’t have much of a relationship, so I can’t openly call her during the day. Even if I did, Monica-ssi would probably insist on staying by my side.

And if the reason Winnie is having a hard time is because of my reaction to her trying to cast magic on me, I felt like I needed to see her face and clear up any misunderstandings. After all, the best thing to do would be to remove the cause of her stress.

Unable to make a decision easily, I lingered in front of the Mountberne mansion’s gate. If it were the old me, I would have opened that gate without hesitation, hugged Winnie, and slept next to her. Until I saw Winnie’s worsened condition yesterday… no, it’s already yesterday. I regretted putting off seeing her without much thought, just assuming she would be okay. No, why did I vaguely think she would be fine? Winnie has been struggling for days because of that reaction I showed for a brief moment.

“Ha…”

A sigh escaped me involuntarily in frustration. It felt a bit colder, and when the cold air met my sigh, steam already came out. Steam… seeing steam coming from my mouth suddenly made me think of cigarettes. I thought I had quit because I hadn’t been smoking much lately, but when my head gets complicated, I naturally think of them.

“Oh, there’s one.”

It seems like it’s a coat I wore before summer came, so there were a lot of things in the pockets. Various markers that I carried around because I couldn’t write, and all sorts of junk. Among that junk was a cigarette I used to smoke.

‘Just one for old time’s sake…’

Even if I only smoke one, there’s only one left anyway. Okay, now… I need to light it. There are no torches because it’s not indoors. There might be a fire inside Winnie’s house, but as I said before, I can’t go in… I was thinking about going back to the castle to get a light, but then I found a uniquely shaped flint in my pocket.

A uniquely shaped flint, made of what looks like metal. Should I call it a flint… steel? I think I received one that Winnie used when I went on a trip to Retinel. I must have been wearing this coat back then. With a pat- sound, a spark flew, and the cigarette quickly caught fire.

“Huu…”

The taste of the cigarette after a long time makes me feel refreshed. It feels like the frustration is relieved, and I feel like all sorts of things are about to come to mind. Come to think of it, Winnie told me to quit smoking. I came all the way to Winnie’s house, and I’m smoking a cigarette that Winnie gave me, which she told me not to smoke. I should smoke a little and put it out. Sseuup-

“Huu…”

Kkieok-

At that moment, the sound of hinges suddenly rang out. Surprised by the sound of the gate opening, I turned around and saw Winnie’s face peeking out, looking in my direction. Has she not been sleeping this whole time? Or did I wake her up? While I was thinking that, tears welled up in Winnie’s eyes as she looked at me.

“E, Edward…”

“Winnie.”

I threw away the cigarette and slowly approached Winnie. Winnie couldn’t take her eyes off me. The closer I got, the more pitiful and sorry I felt.

“Heuk… Heueuk…”

She’s on the verge of bursting into tears now. I thought she would be happy to see my face, but seeing her about to cry even more made me feel more sorry than any other emotion. Feeling guilty, because I actually did something wrong. I slowly approached Winnie. Winnie kept watching me like that…

Kwang!

She closed the door.

The first day was okay.

‘I’m sorry…’

‘…It’s okay.’

Because it was her fault. Even if it didn’t actually happen, it was something that could have harmed him. She couldn’t even get the words “I’m sorry, I’ll never do that again” out of her throat. In front of him, who turned away with a shocked expression, she could only shed tears.

The second day was also okay.

This is punishment. Because the kind-hearted him couldn’t bring himself to get angry at her directly, he didn’t hold her accountable. It’s a punishment she’s giving herself. With that thought, she didn’t go to see his face. Even when he went to a distant land that took a month to reach, she waited with the baby in her belly for months.

The third day… was okay, she thinks so.

Whether it’s okay or not is not something she can decide. Only he, who was hurt by her, can say that. He’ll come back when his anger subsides, he’ll come and call her again, and maybe even scold her, but he’ll hug her again, she believed so. Feeling like her belly was slightly swollen, she waited, holding it with both hands.

From the fourth day, it was really hard.

The endless wait was much more painful than she had expected. Or perhaps, until now, she was able to endure it because of the unconsciously set limit that Edward would come back in a few days. After the deadline in her heart passed, and he still didn’t come, she began to feel anxious every moment. She couldn’t sleep well, and she couldn’t eat well either. She just waited endlessly.

She thinks she met his mother-in-law and his wife, who is also her close friend, in the middle, but she doesn’t remember how it went. She tried to act as normal as possible so that his wife wouldn’t notice, but all she remembers is being told by both of them that she didn’t look well.

And on the fifth day, she felt like her heart was collapsing.

She felt bad for rejecting her friend’s dinner invitation last time under the pretext of not feeling well, so she went to the castle to have dinner together. Of course, she was hoping to see his face while she was at it. And her friend didn’t disappoint her expectations and sat with her husband.

But that turned out to be even more shocking. Like a drop of water is more painful to a person who is thirsty from a burning thirst, watching him was more torture than not seeing him at all. Surrounded by two other women, he didn’t even look at her. She couldn’t bear to see him, who no longer seemed interested in her, engaging in PDA with his wife, so she stormed out of the place. She didn’t even know if the food went down her mouth or her nose.

Of course, her friend didn’t do it intentionally, but she didn’t get this angry even when she watched him having relations with his wife’s mother from dawn, or when she saw him flirting with a new maid. But because her friend really didn’t know, she swallowed the frustration that she couldn’t resolve alone, and while she was spending time alone at home without even realizing how much time had passed, she felt a presence outside.