Paradise Lost (1)

[‘You have been killed by ‘Gawol’.]

[Death Penalty: Connection Restricted (4 hours)]

[You can reconnect in 3 hours 58 minutes 47 seconds.]

With Gawol’s face venting his resentment as the last thing she saw.

Camellia closed her eyes in the blackened view.

If she couldn’t play the game, there was no need to stay in the connection pod.

As Shin Eun-chae emerged from the practice room, she saw a woman.

It was someone that any player on this team would recognize.

“Are you done with what you wanted to do?”

Luche. Lee Ga-yoon smiled.

It was a beautiful and serene expression, but her eyes weren’t smiling.

“Yes. Were you waiting?”

“It’s fine. I was just having a cup of coffee.”

“I’m sorry. For acting on my own. I suppose I’ll be disciplined? I’ve tarnished the team’s image.”

Pro gamers don’t look kindly on falling into the siege board.

Some even view it as a kind of corruption or downfall.

Also, the fans watching them want the pro league and siege board to be separate.

However, there’s no strict regulation dividing the two.

It’s a kind of unwritten rule. No one enforces it, but almost everyone has followed it without objection.

Today, Camellia clearly broke that rule.

Luche was very strict about principles.

So, it wouldn’t be strange for her to abhor Camellia’s recent actions.

“No. We’ve never explicitly stated a rule against interfering in sieges. Wouldn’t it be a bit unreasonable to actually discipline you? That’s what I think, at least.”

An unexpected statement from Camellia’s perspective.

If so, there won’t be any team-level discipline.

In the Sigma e-Sports team, Lee Ga-yoon’s position goes beyond simply being the ‘captain’ or ‘ace’.

It was that way in many senses.

While Ga-yoon has never wielded unfair power, some power holds strength even when unused.

Ga-yoon’s tone is always gentle.

She doesn’t speak harshly to people, and I’ve never seen her act roughly.

But for some reason, Eun-chae felt like she couldn’t breathe.

A strange anger can be felt from the unsmiling gaze.

Though the voice is clearly kind and affectionate, it felt like some large hand was gripping her body and not letting go.

“But Eun-chae.”

“Yes.”

“Did you enjoy it? Kneading someone’s wounds as you pleased.”

“…No.”

“By coincidence, I knew him. Not for long. It was vague enough to think ‘Could it be?’, but anyway. I found out recently. What kind of circumstances there were.”

Eun-chae’s eyes widened.

She looked at Ga-yoon in surprise, but then lowered her head again.

The woman who wasn’t even smiling with her mouth gave off a chillier atmosphere than expected.

“I should have stopped you, I guess. Because I vaguely knew. Who you wanted to defeat. Why you were so obsessed. It might have seemed like excessive meddling, and I thought it might be a good opportunity for both of you.”

“No. I was immature. I’m sorry.”

“If it’s okay with him, would you like to meet? I’d like you to apologize. I’m not forcing you, though.”

“…Yes. I’ll definitely ask for that opportunity.”

* * *

My connection pod was ultimately deemed unusable “for safety reasons”.

Internally, they seemed to have tried to find illegal programs or suspicious actions, but of course, no such problems were found.

But the fact that I had lost my paradise remained unchanged.

If there’s anything fortunate, I suppose.

The game company has put a gag order on this incident.

It means they won’t make a fuss about it since no particular problem occurred.

Well, I could connect using a different pod.

I also concluded my public statement by saying I had personal circumstances.

“It feels incredibly empty.”

Time is rotting in abundance.

I spent more time with that connection pod than with my bed.

Now it’s just become a white elephant taking up most of the small room.

I thought about just throwing it away… but.

Thinking of it as my parents’ keepsake, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

But I can’t keep it forever either.

I’ll have to make a decision someday.

Maybe it would be better to move to a slightly larger place.

It was possible if I just gave up one thing – the obsession that was strangling me.

It was a matter of using the money I was spending on fixing my leg for living expenses.

“The remaining balance is… quite sufficient.”

The money I’ve saved isn’t little.

On the premise of giving up on my leg – enough to easily last until I find a new place to settle.

Or I could start streaming as a female streamer like Elderin.

It might be a bit difficult with a clear mind.

From that perspective, it might be possible precisely because it’s now.

It feels like there’s a hole punched in a corner of my chest.

Come to think of it, it’s always been like this. Whenever I’m about to grasp something – the world always tears away something bigger from me.

Warmth, parents, dreams. It barely leaves me with my life and throws the ragged me somewhere again.

It’s quite ironic.

That tears don’t come at times like this.

The tears that flowed so often don’t come when I actually need to cry.

Is it because I’m too busy filling the emptied space to let them out?

I still don’t understand my own heart.

Well, if everyone understood themselves so well, all mental hospitals would have to close down.

[You have received a message.]

My phone keeps getting notifications.

After declaring I’d take a break from the game, contacts came in from all directions.

I didn’t check a single one.

Because I didn’t want to say anything at all.

It’s tiresome and painful to explain.

I’m vaguely tired, and my body has no strength.

At times like this, it would be nice to have just one person who would hug me without words.

Even empty words would be fine.

I wish someone would pretend to be kind. Then I’d believe anything.

Needing something to hug, I put a pillow in my arms.

With the house quiet, I can hear footsteps coming up the stairs outside.

It’s somehow an unfamiliar experience. Come to think of it, it’s been a long time since I’ve been awake at this time of day.

Usually, I’d be in the connection pod or asleep.

‘Could it be the neighbor coming home… or not?’

Ding dong – the doorbell that rang was for our house.

Even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, I held my breath and pretended not to be there for no reason.

I still haven’t made any sound.

From outside, they shouldn’t be able to tell if anyone’s inside.

Whether it’s a delivery or whatever, they’ll think no one’s home and leave soon.

My expectation was completely off the mark.

I heard Elderin’s voice from outside the door.

“Da-eun? Are you in there? Open the door.”

“……”

“I think your sister knows you well now. I just can’t think you’d have gone out anywhere.”

“……”

“Hmm, you’ve decided to pretend you’re not there? These days, there are a lot of people looking for your sister. Maybe those pictures we took together before…”

“I-I’m coming out now!”

You’re scary, Yu-serin.

I hopped on one leg to open the door.

There stood my sister with a face that said ‘I knew it’.

“So you were here after all?”

“Saying I wouldn’t have gone out is a bit hurtful. I do go outside sometimes.”

“But you didn’t go out now.”

“Well, that’s true, but…”

Sister’s eyes briefly glanced at my neck.

I’m not doing self-harm or anything yet.

The worry is excessive. I haven’t been pushed that far.

I guess sister’s real sister hated herself even more than I do.

Since I can understand her worry, I just pretended not to notice.

“The room is too dark. Let’s open the curtains and windows.”

Sister, you sound just like the master.

─ Would I get scolded if I said that?

“So, why did you come today? Isn’t it a streaming day?”

“Oh, Da-eun watches my streams too?”

“How could I not?”

I owe her a lot, and there might be things I need to learn if necessary.

Elderin was both a good sister and a good teacher to me.

While I didn’t watch every stream, I would tune in whenever I saw her online.

“Today’s a day off. I need to rest sometimes too.”

“You didn’t rush over because of me, did you?”

“Would that be wrong?”

“It’s not wrong… but I feel like it’s because of me.”

“You’re right, Da-eun. I came because I thought you might be having bad thoughts right about now.”

She hit the nail on the head.

My thoughts were gradually heading in a bad direction.

Thoughts are like a river; once you open the floodgates, it’s hard to turn back.

If I had been alone, I would probably have been spending quite a depressing time.

At least the room getting brighter seems to have made things a bit better.

As Elderin walked around the small room, it brought life to what seemed like a dead space.

“Having someone by your side when you’re struggling makes you feel a bit better. So, would you like to go out somewhere with your sister?”

“Going out… I don’t want to, I’m tired.”

“We’ll go in my car. I parked nearby. I’ve made reservations too.”

“Reservations? Where are we going?”

“You’ll see when we get there. I have things to talk about on the way, is it really not okay?”

“Hmm. Alright.”

I owe Elderin a lot.

So it should be fine to go along with this much.

I don’t feel that opposed to it either.

─ Thinking that, I soon had to taste the bitterness of regret.

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