Chapter 9: Watch Me – 1

The maids who had been dozing off snapped awake when they saw me.

Some even gasped in surprise.

“Ah, your face…”

“Sh-should we wake up Scholar Crellin?”

I shook my head, rejecting their offer.

That wasn’t why I had come here.

I walked past the maids and placed my hand on Vivian’s door.

Just as I was about to open it without a word, the guards stepped in front of me.

“You need permission to enter. Even if you’re in charge of guarding her…”

“Whose permission?”

“Lady Vivian’s permission, of course.”

“…”

As I stared at the guard’s face, the sound of sobbing leaked from inside Vivian’s room.

“…In her current state, who could give permission?”

“Then it’s not possible. You’ll have to go back.”

“Do you know where I’m from?”

I didn’t want to argue like this.

My body felt worn out from the endless beatings.

I just wanted to see Vivian, say what I needed to, and go back to rest.

So I resorted to threats, which wasn’t my usual approach.

“What’s your name?”

“…It’s Ron.”

“Ron, one day, I’ll return to my homeland.”

“…And when I do, I’ll likely inherit the Alan family. I’ll do my best not to forget your name until then.”

“Uh… That is…”

“But depending on how you act right now, I’ll remember you either fondly… or not.”

Ron blinked.

He nervously cracked his neck and spoke to me.

“A-at the very least, we need to search your body.”

I complied with the search.

Soon after, I entered Vivian’s room without knocking.

-Thud.

Once inside, I quietly closed the door.

The room was dark, the candles were out, and the curtains were drawn.

If it weren’t for the faint moonlight seeping through the curtains, I wouldn’t have been able to see anything at all.

But if I just listened carefully…

“Sob… sob…”

I heard a familiar sound.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

It was frustrating.

She would never know how many sleepless nights that sound had caused me.

She would never know how much it suffocated me, how much turmoil it stirred within me.

The Duchess had been right.

Vivian and I were more alike than I cared to admit.

Maybe that’s why I hated seeing her cry even more.

Because when she kept crying in a situation so similar to mine, it felt like she was telling me I should cry too.

I was trying my hardest to endure, but it felt like she was beside me, telling me to give up.

I crossed the room, using her sobs as a guide.

She was so lost in her own world, she didn’t even notice me approaching.

Even though I purposely made noise with my footsteps so as not to startle her, she still didn’t notice.

Standing at the foot of her bed, I steeled myself.

I thought about what I could say to comfort her… but in the end, I gave up.

After all, we weren’t in the kind of relationship where kind words would flow between us.

And even if I said something kind, she would probably just get more upset from her point of view.

So…

-Thud.

I kicked her bed and asked,

“How long are you going to keep crying like this?”

The frustration that had been building inside me came out in a strange way.

“!!!”

Vivian, who had been lying down sobbing, jolted up in shock at the sound of my voice.

Panting heavily, she slowly recognized who I was.

“…K-Kailo… Alan?”

“I asked how long you’re going to keep crying like that.”

“Wh-why… are you… here…”

Ignoring her surprise, I continued to speak.

“What changes by crying? You’ve been crying non-stop for a month now. How much longer are you going to weep? Do you think someone’s going to pity you if you keep doing this?”

There was a long silence.

Vivian Rondor seemed to need some time to understand why I was here and what I had just said.

Her face was hidden by the darkness, and I was glad for it.

If I could see her expression, it would’ve been harder to speak so bluntly.

Vivian, who had been gasping for breath, finally spoke.

“Leave… I don’t want to talk to you…”

“If you promise to stop crying, I’ll leave.”

“…What does it matter to you if I cry… or if I get angry…? What does it matter to you…?”

Strangely, her anger made me feel at ease.

At least when she was angry, she didn’t look like a corpse.

“I’m sick of looking at it.”

“…What?”

“I’m sick of seeing you cry over nothing all the time.”

Vivian seemed dumbfounded.

She didn’t say anything but let out a few short breaths.

It was the reaction you’d expect from a noble lady who had never been spoken to this way before.

After a long pause, she spoke again, with a bit more anger in her voice.

“What do you know to say something like that…? Do you even know what I’m going through because of your family…?”

As the conversation continued, her emotions grew more intense.

“Do you have any idea what I’ve been through because of your family?”

There was a commotion outside the door, but I didn’t care.

I just said what I had been wanting to say to Vivian.

“You seem to be living just fine.”

“…What?”

“Sleeping in a warm bed, eating fancy meals… What’s so difficult that you have to complain?”

Vivian, completely taken aback, asked again.

“L-living just fine…?”

“Yeah.”

“…Are you… out of your mind…?”

The sound of her pushing the blanket aside roughly filled the dark room.

Unable to see anything, I focused more on the sounds.

Vivian’s voice was now thick with emotion.

“Do you think all your worries disappear just because you sleep in a nice bed? Do your worries vanish just because the food is good…?”

“Could you still say that after becoming like me…? After your family gets slaughtered!! Could you still be happy just because you’re eating well and sleeping well?!”

“I—”

Vivian cut me off and continued speaking, as if a dam had burst and all her feelings came flooding out.

“Do you know what it’s like to stutter like an idiot and get beaten every day…?! Do you know what it’s like to keep trying with no sign of improvement?!”

Her voice echoed as she screamed, her emotions blazing.

“I get beaten, but I have no one to tell…! They tell me not to complain, to toughen up!! Everything about the territory is my responsibility!! Why is everyone piling all this on me?! What can I do by myself?!”

Though she was enraged, to me it seemed like Vivian was finally venting the struggles she had been bottling up.

It felt like she was finally letting out the things she had wanted to say to someone.

I knew it, too.

Vivian had no one to complain to.

I knew that because we were alike.

We had no one to lean on, and the adults around us… were honestly terrifying.

And as expected, Vivian spoke the truth.

“The adults all look at me with disappointment…! If they think I’m so useless, why don’t they do it themselves…? I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m still learning!! I’m trying…!!! I’m trying, but no one sees it!!”

It was all… because of your family… But now, what…? I seem to be living fine…?”

Her anger reached its peak, and she soon replaced it with tears.

Her figure slumped in the dim moonlight.

“…Because of you… we… sob… sob…”

She sobbed quietly for a long while.

It seemed like she was losing the strength to keep fighting along with her tears.

After burning so intensely, she cooled down just as quickly, murmuring to herself as if in a daze.

“…don’t know.”

“…I don’t know. Why do I have to go through this…? Why do I have to suffer like this because of you…?”

“….Why do I have to protect Rondor…? There’s not… a single person on my side…”

She looked truly cornered, even showing weakness in front of me.

It made me speechless.

“…I’m tired. It’s hard. I’m scared. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“”

‘…Can’t I… just go over there too?’

Her muttered words echoed in my head.

I swallowed and asked,

“…So you’re saying you want to die?”

Vivian didn’t answer.

That silence was already enough of a response.

I blurted out impulsively.

“…Then die.”

The only way I knew how to talk to Vivian was still this rough approach.

I could only speak more harshly, more aggressively.

Vivian didn’t react.

She seemed like someone who had truly made up her mind.

I continued.

“That’s right. Nothing is going to change anytime soon. You might as well choose death quickly, like I can never return to my hometown no matter how much I cry.”

“Just like that, you’re the same. This is reality. So if you can’t bear it… then die quickly. I’m sick of seeing you cry.”

I wanted her to get angry and argue with me like before, but she remained silent.

It felt like I was talking to a wall.

“…Ha.”

That feeling made me snap.

The duchess, Lois Rondor, and even I… We all agonized so much over the life of Vivian Rondor, but she herself was so willing to die.

It was absurd.

So I spoke with intent.

“But Vivian Rondor, remember this one thing clearly. The moment you die… make sure you know.”

I bit my lip and steeled myself.

Fine, since it’s come to this… I’ll fully embrace being the bad guy.

“…Your family was trampled by us.”

Vivian’s body froze.

“Your death will confirm it.”

The reaction came immediately.

She grabbed me, pulled me onto the bed, and climbed on top of me.

In the unseen darkness, her hands scratched wildly at my face as she searched frantically for my neck.

Soon, her hands found my neck and tightened around it.

I grasped her wrists and kept talking.

“Ugh…! Seeing how weak you are… your family must have been the same. You were never a match for us. Your very mentality is weak.”

“Shut up… shut up!!”

• Crack, crack.

Liquid droplets fell onto my face.

They were Vivian’s tears.

“You don’t even know what it’s like to live a life so painful you want to die!!”

“I don’t. Ugh…! Because no matter how much I think about it, living is better. I never whine about dying just because life is hard…!”

“Sob…! Ugh!!”

“Scared of adults? Then just crumble like that. I’ll endure. I just have to make it through five more years. By then, no one will be able to look me in the eye.”

My words were hurting her, but I didn’t care.

“If you want to die, then die. I’ll help you. But don’t forget. Don’t blame us. Your death is just… because you were weak. You’ll be the most pathetic death in Rondor.”

Through her hands gripping my neck, I could feel her shaking her head.

“My family wasn’t weak! And I’m not doing this because I’m weak…!”

Her violent outburst turned cold.

“Fine… If you still don’t understand, then I’ll show you. I’ll show you what a life more painful than death looks like. The life I’m living… I’ll show it to you too.”

I responded,

“Go ahead. I’ve experienced a hundred times worse than whatever you’re going through and laughed it off. I’ve never cried like you… or pitied myself… or wished to die.”

Vivian then let go of my neck and yanked the curtains hard.

Moonlight poured brightly into the room.

At the same time, she showed me her arm.

“Fine? Then I’ll start by making your body look like this too…”

But she couldn’t finish her sentence.

In the moonlight, not only her bruised arms were revealed.

My face, covered in wounds, was also exposed.

One of my eyes was swollen shut, and my face was cut in several places.

A molar was missing.

My arms, legs, and torso had no unscathed areas.

My shirt was soaked in blood.

Vivian couldn’t hide her shock at my appearance.

Her trembling eyes locked onto mine.

The bruises weren’t just from a cane; they were from fists and kicks, something far worse.

She must have figured out why I was in this state.

After all, it was Vivian who had thrown me into the punishment unit.

I spoke to her as she stared at me.

“I’m not shaken by something like this.”

That was a lie.

I was shaken.

It hurt.

I wanted to cry.

But I felt like I had to say this to Vivian.

I pushed her away and sat up.

Vivian weakly tumbled aside.

“I’m going to return to my hometown alive.”

I wiped away the tears she had shed on my face.

“Try to stop me as much as you want. Torment me worse than your life. I’ll overcome it all and show you. I’ll prove that you were the weak one.”

I looked into Vivian’s eyes.

If there was any small relief, it was that her eyes were no longer lifeless like before.

Her gaze was different now.

It was only natural after I insulted her dead family.

I climbed out of the bed.

“So watch.”

I spoke, looking at the speechless Vivian.

“Watch how I live…”

Her red eyes bore into me.

“Watch how I grow…”

As if I were making a promise, I continued.

“Watch how strong I become… see for yourself.”