I Become a Secret Police Officer of The Imperial Academy – Chapter 78

Chapter 78

I wasn’t sure if I was letting out a hollow laugh because it was absurd or if I was just struggling to breathe, but either way, my breath was ragged.

“Ah, uh, ha, haha….”

So, if I wanted to accept myself—

If I wanted to dismiss Alicia’s death as a curse binding me, did that mean I had to start seeing the demons I killed as people?

It wasn’t as if I had no guilt or emotions.

I was just better at hiding them, better at making them seem shallow.

That was my only real strength. Though, sometimes, I failed at that too, resulting in bizarre outbursts.

Anyway, there was a simple reason why I couldn’t remember the faces of the grown demons or the ones who had attacked me.

I still didn’t think of them as people.

Or maybe I still believed they deserved to die.

When I rubbed my eyes, the horned girl who had been mocking me disappeared. She was probably the demon Ethel had tried so hard to protect.

And just like Ethel said, I couldn’t remember her name.

I vaguely recalled chatting with her at the farm once, but that must have been ages ago.

“Theo.”

No response.

Was he asleep?

If I pulled out a weapon, he’d probably sense it and wake up in an instant.

He wasn’t some animal—what kind of person even did that?

I drew my gun, cocked it, and called his name again.

“Theo.”

This time, a groggy voice responded.

“…What?”

“Imagine you were an exterminator, a professional pest control worker, and you’d spent your life killing cockroaches.”

“…Okay, and?”

“And then, one day, you realize—

You weren’t a cleaner but a delusional recluse. And what you’d actually been killing… were people.

How would that feel?”

“…How would I know?”

Wouldn’t he understand, at least a little?

No, Theo was always clear-headed.

When he stopped me. When he protected the children.

When he went after so-called villains.

Even when he saw the atrocities they had committed.

Sometimes he seemed a bit too enthusiastic, even to the point of acting foolishly, but he was still sane.

Even when he helped me capture and punish demons.

He wasn’t like me.

I was a coward. I turned away from what I was doing, claiming it was for someone else or justifying it with some imaginary righteousness.

I did it all while half out of my mind.

“It feels strange.

It’s shocking, but since I’d been turning a blind eye to it the whole time, it’s not like I can’t handle it.

The only certain thing is that it doesn’t feel good.”

I had been a bum before, but never a mentally ill one. It just left me confused.

I wasn’t a complete bum, though. I’d passed the civil service exam but hadn’t gotten an assignment for two years, so I’d just been lazing around the house.

I tried to cover my mind with old memories, with thoughts that felt good.

Even if they were useless.

Maybe then these demons laughing at me would go away.

They weren’t ghosts.

If ghosts were real, the dragon ghosts would have eaten all the human ghosts.

So, this had to be just a hallucination.

An uncomfortably realistic hallucination.

I looked at Theo, who was rubbing his eyes, still drowsy, and spoke.

“Theo, do you know what I see in front of me right now?”

“What do you see?”

“One annoying human who keeps following me around, and seven demons I burned or shot to death.”

One of them was a succubus holding a child.

She was even wearing a nun’s habit.

“…It’s a hallucination.”

“I know. That’s why I’m just sitting here.

But how long will I be able to believe it’s just a hallucination?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve accepted that Alicia is really dead, and that what I did—killing the demons—was pure madness, a completely useless, abhorrent act.

Some might say I’ve come to terms with reality and moved forward, but that only means I was wrong all along.”

“…Even if you say that now.”

“Yeah, saying it now doesn’t change anything.

But you’re the one who told me to move on.

Can’t you do something about this…?”

I wasn’t going to say anything like, “You’re the hero.”

How could I possibly know if the game stuck in my head was real or not?

I knew he couldn’t actually help.

I knew that wanting something from him was nothing but a sad, pathetic wish.

But still, I threw it out there. Just hoping for something to lean on.

If I were the protagonist of my own life, the genre would be a comedy.

A dark comedy, like the kind with a creepy, black-haired Englishman who looked like he ate eel jelly for breakfast.

Otherwise, life couldn’t be this twisted.

“I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to hear it.

It must be a mental illness. I know.

But if I try to blow my brains out, you’ll stop me. So what am I supposed to do?”

“…I can’t do anything for you.”

“I know. I’m just venting, so just shut up and listen.”

“You’re seeing dead people in front of you, aren’t you?”

“Just… just listen to me.”

I really didn’t want to hear any lectures.

What if I lashed out at Theo and made a scene, and Ethel woke up?

“I see you too—the you I killed.

Sometimes you just sit there, saying nothing. Other times, you’re cursing me out, telling me to die.

I close my eyes, and when I open them, you’re either sleeping or just reading a book.”

“……I don’t really know how to respond to that.”

“Exactly. Sometimes, it’s just your floating head talking to me. Honestly, it’s kind of unsettling.”

Theo chuckled, pulling a cigar from his coat.

So that’s where my missing cigar boxes had gone. What a sneaky bastard.

I had hidden them where only I would know, but he still found them…

“Still, I’ll just brush it off with a bit of annoyance.

Even if it turns into hatred or disgust, it won’t mean anything.”

With a light tone, Theo conjured a flame at his fingertip.

He couldn’t let go of his emotions, but it was as if he planned to at least bury them under a layer of dirt.

“Just let it hurt. It’s fine. Think of it as a punishment.

If you caused all that and felt nothing, that would be a punishment in itself.”

How arrogant.

If it was a punishment, who was the one handing it out?

It certainly wasn’t God.

“Even if it’s not, I’m just going to think of it that way.

I’m too tired to deal with all these complicated thoughts.”

If God had existed, Alicia would still be alive.

If some idiot who couldn’t even do that dared call themselves God, I’d call them a moron.

“Screw punishment. Tell them all to fuck off unless they want a bullet to the head in hell.”

I almost pulled the trigger, but I set the gun down gently, wondering if Ethel might still be asleep.

Maybe the ghosts of those shot to death were too scared to stick around.

“That wouldn’t be too bad.”

All the demons who had been mocking me just moments ago were gone.

If it was a hallucination, then all I needed to do was accept that I wasn’t in my right mind.

If they were ghosts, I’d just burn them to ash even in death—that wouldn’t be so bad.

“Yeah. If only it were that easy.”

Theo muttered quietly.

I didn’t want to hear it, so I closed my eyes, pulled the blanket over me, and tried to sleep.

Of course, I spent another night wide awake.

Morning came, and someone knocked on the door.

When I opened it, it was Julius.

“I’m sorry, Julius.”

“……?”

“Ethel told me to apologize every time we met.”

Julius scratched the back of his head, looking a bit dumbfounded, then told me why he had come.

“Ethel said it’s almost morning. She wants everyone to wash up and have breakfast.”

“Is Count Rosenberg there too?”

He nodded.

Ugh, how burdensome.

“I’ll wash up quickly and come down.”

Julius handed me a basket with a towel, clothes, and underwear that Ethel must have prepared.

And, of course, Theo followed me to the bathroom, as if he’d heard everything.

I’d much rather bathe with Ethel than with him.

The large bathtub in the bathroom was filled with warm water.

There wasn’t an enchantment for a hot water supply, but there was something like a lukewarm showerhead.

Theo, feeling grimy, undressed and quickly washed up.

“Aren’t you going to use the bathtub?”

“I’m not really in the mood for a bath this early.”

“Suit yourself.”

After washing, we put on the clothes from the basket and stepped back into the hallway.

Aside from the fact that the top was a bit loose around my chest, it was a surprisingly refreshing start to the morning.

“Uh, uh, did you both just come out at the same time..?”

“Yeah.”

“Then… you bathed together!?”

“I told you yesterday. He stays by my side even when I’m washing up.”

“I thought he waited outside or something!”

“If you were so worried, you could’ve joined us.”

“…I just woke up a bit early.”

Anyway, Ethel led us down to the first floor.

At the dining table, Count Rosenberg and his wife sat side by side.

Instead of a greeting, I immediately started with an apology, but they had no reaction.

“Whatever you did, if you apologize, I should be the one feeling honored to accept it.

Even if you go to the same school as my daughter, you’re still a much higher status than I am.”

Ah, right.

At least I hadn’t held hands with Julian to tear their family apart.

I’d spent a bit of money, but I only used it where necessary thanks to the experience I had gained.

“If it seemed like I was pressuring you, I’m sorry for that too.”

“I believe meals should be filled with pleasant and cheerful conversation.

So let’s eat first and think about the rest later. Please, take a seat.”

Breakfast was simple.

The problem was, I couldn’t taste any of it.