Sugar (5)

I raised my head.

In front of me was a church, half-collapsed with the second floor interior slightly visible.

Erica exhaled. Hot breath spread into the cold air.

Her impulsive action wasn’t just to save the hostages.

It was because she was crying.

That was the only reason.

Honestly. Yes.

It’s great progress.

For me, who couldn’t even come out of the house because I was afraid of the few people’s gazes, to be able to casually roam outside now.

Of course, I’ll have to wear a hat. And wrap myself tightly in a coat.

I blinked at the presence I felt again.

The cold air strikes my torn skin. The noise I hear makes my heart race.

“Something must be wrong.”

Otherwise, there’s no reason to accept even this situation now.

When the footsteps echoing on the stairs, in the corridor, stopped,

Only then did I turn my head.

“…Aureli!”

Lately, it seems like you’re trying to control me more and more.

That shouldn’t be, right?

No, it shouldn’t.

“Hello. You’re late.”

Seeing her disheveled breathing, I tried to put on a small smile.

“……”

Clearly, the calm and cold demeanor she showed when we first met was nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps because this has been repeated countless times, at some point, there was only you pouring excessive attention on me.

And as soon as your gaze turned to my chest, I hurriedly clutched my clothes.

One step approached, and I stepped back another step.

“Don’t run away.”

“I’m not running away.”

“Then why are you moving away?”

“I’m making room so you can take these people away quickly.”

Her brow furrowed.

“You……”

Even if you glare at me like that, I have no intention of conceding anything.

“Ha, hu.”

I clutched my chest. Unable to face her directly, I staggered towards the window where the red moonlight was shining.

“It seems even a hostage situation is useless now.”

I followed the silhouette moving with feigned leisure with my eyes. Watching her approach the sprawled hunters, I steadied my breathing.

I vaguely noticed that the final act was gradually approaching.

I’ll soon accomplish the two remaining goals.

So now, just for now, I wanted to have a peaceful conversation.

Suddenly, our gazes met.

“Come here.”

“Why should I?”

“…I-I’m going to handcuff you. It’s my job to arrest wanted criminals.”

“How righteous of you.”

Her interest seemed to have already shifted to me.

“I’m going to run away.”

“I’ll catch you.”

“Can’t you let me off just for today?”

“No.”

Silence fell. I exhaled.

“I have a lot to tell you.”

I vomited blood.

My clutched clothes tore, revealing my chest.

“…Ah.”

“…I-I’m fine.”

“You worry a lot. You. Weren’t you saying you’d arrest me earlier?”

“…You can’t die while I’m grabbing and dragging you away.”

“Are you going to treat me too? Wouldn’t that be good for me?”

It’s not good at all.

“No. I’m going to restrain you with devices you’ve never heard of. Just following procedure.”

“You were humoring me just a moment ago, when did you become so confident?”

“Because the hostages are already in my hands. I should treat you accordingly.”

So that’s why you’re approaching me now?

I should run away.

“Good job. Take care of these people yourself.”

Just as I was about to open my wings, the symbol of a vampire.

“Urgh.”

My body convulses.

The hidden wounds on my body began to reveal themselves.

The self-harm marks I couldn’t control due to mental illness also groaned as they met the cold air.

Like hideous weapons hidden inside being revealed, pieces of skin tear and scars are engraved all over.

The creaking sound of wounds being forcibly opened. The sight of blood dripping onto the floor, drop by drop.

“It, it hurts…”

Ha.

How cliché. This repertoire.

Floundering for attention and sympathy.

I scoffed, watching Erica’s pupils shake.

“…Ah.”

I tried. I always kept her in the corner of my eye as I carried out my plans.

I used violence, and sharpened my blade to ruin her daily life.

That was all there was to it. A story relying on sincerity arising from our relationship.

Looking back, maybe the problem was that I showed shallow kindness. Perhaps it was a sin that I developed feelings for her without properly understanding emotions during 4 years of hiding.

But Erica’s gaze was beautiful enough for that. Every time she looked at me with eyes full of hatred, I couldn’t help but be enveloped in inexplicable pleasure.

That wasn’t all.

As I naturally seeped into her daily life along that path, I encountered many sides of her.

Her fervor in being diligent in everything around her, and her endurance as she frowned despite her fatigue. The cuteness of her face turning red when I teased her sometimes, and the gentleness and kindness she showed only to me were stimulating enough to make my heart stop.

In a corner of my lonely life, that stimulation was all too suitable to turn me into a monster fallen into emotion.

Should I have treated her coldly?

At the very least, shouldn’t I have avoided forcibly raising excitement and smiling while pretending to be human?

Before I knew it, my hand was being held. Once again, to the point where even I shuddered at the warm touch.

Ah.

It’s happening again like this.

It’s my fault.

That’s why I shouldn’t have come to like you. I should have endured. I shouldn’t have been swayed by mere emotion.

But that’s the reason I couldn’t.

Broken me, foolishly giving up on the most important plan.

Let’s stop.

Because at this rate, I’ll be wrapped in endless self-loathing.

We promised, didn’t we? To stop with the depressive thoughts.

With whom? Who did I promise?

There’s no one around.

Do I have an imaginary friend or something?

“Where does it hurt? Is it perhaps an aftereffect?”

I knocked her hand away.

Silence fell.

And once again, I avoided her eyes.

“Don’t do this.”

When did it become like this?

Even looking back, there was nothing I could understand.

That I, who shamelessly revealed my flaws to you, started to fall into your eyes.

With the sickly appearance I showed a few times.

Or simply because of the reason that I spent a lot of time with you in my plans.

Or.

When your interest, which had been showing since some time, started to reach extremes.

Haha.

I don’t know.

Even at that moment, I was using violence against you.

A slightly cold but comfortable sensation arose on my cheek.

Good. Hehe.

“I said stop.”

“How about putting down your pride even now?”

It was a thorny remark. Why are you suddenly like this? Is it difficult for you to humor my whining now?

It’s better this way.

I took a step back and widened the distance.

We’ve reached the point where we can’t even discuss our relationship anymore.

All I can do is escape.

Even more, stepping backwards.

One step.

Two steps.

Three steps.

Seeing you completely dyed in bewilderment.

With a small laugh.

I shattered the window right behind me with magic power and leaped into the air.

The cool night air and wind surpassed my body.

“How cute.”

I muttered that, watching vampire bats gather one by one and envelop my body.

“You’re on my side, right?”

Familiars.

Following the heart of the master with authority.

So yeah. Well, something like that.

Seeing you help me, it seems I wasn’t false.

I really just wanted to escape. Without even a moment to face the pain of feeling broken inside, so many things happened. How could I endure?

Of course not. I didn’t need her kindness. Or her affection, or her gaze. Not particularly.

My strength left me.

Gravity weighs down on my body.

I just keep falling, having lost control.

“…Ah.”

The air current tears my skin and pierces through my body.

I can’t even hear the cries of the bats anymore.

“Was I lying?”

An impact struck my back hard.

“Ack, urgh.”

It hurts.

I closed my eyes completely at the sound of approaching footsteps.

“You look good.”

“…It’s your fault.”

“If you had just obediently listened to me, it wouldn’t have mattered.”

“Why should I do that?”

“You have to, once you’ve caught my eye.”

That’s too forceful.

Give me my freedom.

“Did you hate it that much when I said I’d look at your wounds?”

“Yes.”

You’re the problem.

“I hated it so much.”

Kindness. Affection. I hate it all. I hated even looking at it. Because it’s ugly. Because I felt so stupid for receiving such kindness in the end.

“Why is that…”

“Look at me.”

I stood up like that. My abdomen and chest, which had been hidden for a moment as I was lying face down, were exposed again. The wounds were pressed and spewed bodily fluids.

With my face and body covered in blood, all of this exposed.

And even my eyes, which had lost their vitality and were crying, were only reflected to you.

And this hazy world too. My foggy mind has long been seen through.

“Why are you interested in someone like me?”

Ah.

Haha.

“I’m emotional. A crybaby. Stupid. And my mind is even seriously self-loathing.”

I just recited one by one. I revealed to myself the flaws that you had discovered while staying with me.

“I can’t even speak well. I’m so afraid of people that I often go crazy just holding a knife. I’m selfish enough to reject even your kind touch.”

“I know.”

“You know? If you know, then.”

Because my body has lost strength. Because it feels like my mind is about to fly away. Constricting myself is suffocating.

So I looked at you again. My salvation is to be killed by you. I searched for it endlessly.

Yet you, who are beautiful.

“Tell me more.”

I lost my words. Seeing you not avoiding my eyes, all I could do was inhale.

“Seems like you have nothing more to say.”

“…You. Really.”

“Shall we go now?”

What did I want?

“Hold my hand.”

I reached out my hand for the soft touch.

“Eating something sweet will make you feel better.”

“You, even with someone like me.”

“I.”

I couldn’t control my trembling breath.

“I want to eat with you like that.”

If you keep doing this.

How could I not love you?