Chapter 71

Chapter 71

After finishing the kiss on the back of his hand, I looked into his eyes. It was more embarrassing than I thought.

At times like this, I felt fortunate that I didn’t show much expression.

It meant I could hide how flustered I truly felt.

“By the way, Evan, shall we go for a walk?

Since my body’s fine and I can see clearly, let’s wander around a bit.”

Evan nodded.

Had he lived in an environment where speaking wasn’t necessary?

I, on the other hand, used to mutter endlessly to myself as if I feared I might forget how to form words.

What kind of environment makes speaking unnecessary?

Maybe it’s one where you receive so many cutting words from others that you no longer feel the need to speak at all.

Even when he saved me, he had killed so many of those people who surrounded me to rescue me.

I opened the door and left the dormitory.

As I walked, I became lost in thought.

It’s not that I think killing is inherently wrong.

If necessary, if it has to be done, then killing is the right choice—at least for that individual.

But right now, is there truly a need to go so far as to kill someone?

Take Vivian, for example. Judging by the magic she uses, even if a thousand people like me gathered, she could wipe us all out with a flick of her finger. 

Yet she refrains from doing so, likely out of some form of morality—or the certainty that someone capable of defeating her might appear.

Now, I just want to live peacefully in one place, without being bound to anyone or having to run away.

“Let’s go to the bench by the pond.”

I walked to the bench and sat down.

Evan naturally sat right next to me, glancing around to ensure there were no threats. He looked like a deserter still haunted by the feeling of being pursued.

The stupid-looking carp that had been aimlessly circling the pond earlier was now resting against the wall, as if it had stopped moving altogether.

It almost seemed like it was digging into the bottom of the pond, trying to escape somewhere.

“Evan, could you take that carp out and throw it into a nearby river?”

“Why the carp all of a sudden?”

“Just because.”

Evan encapsulated the carp in a bubble of water and lifted it into the air, carrying it somewhere.

I hadn’t expected him to actually do it.

Even though the carp looked stupid, it probably knew it had been swimming in circles all day long.

That’s why I asked Evan to let it go.

“Evan, what are you planning to do from now on?”

Evan didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he started pacing around the bench, murmuring incantations.

A semi-transparent barrier formed around us, which soon turned completely invisible.

“The Crown Prince… I’ll have to deal with him somehow.

I can’t kill him right now, though.

Even now, that man is probably plotting how to kill you.”

“……”

It was hard to respond to that.

But still, how could someone talk about dealing with the Crown Prince so casually?

I, no matter what I tried, never managed to accomplish anything.

Even when I fired countless shots, the Crown Prince didn’t die.

“Evan, um… This might be a bit awkward to ask, but do you objectively think you’re strong?”

At that, Evan shook his head.

Yet, as he shook his head, I caught a fleeting, chilling smile on his face.

“At least for now, I’m not strong.

Give me a month—or even just a week—and I think I could be on par with Vivian.”

“But Vivian’s a genius.”

“How old do you think I am?

Erica, it’s been three years since I brought you back here when you were practically a corpse.

And before that, during the times you died, three years was nothing…”

He suddenly stopped talking.

“I had no choice but to master magic. And that required time.”

Could Evan be older than I thought?

If I were to add up all the years he’d lived, he might even qualify as a grandfather.

Come to think of it, his every move seemed imbued with a certain weight of experience.

When I die, the worlds I’ve lived in become part of the past. But for those who remain, it’s different.

Even so, there’s no need to overthink it.

It’s not like either of us spent our time meaningfully growing as individuals.

Neither Evan nor I.

Still, I decided to make a lighthearted joke to ease the mood.

“So, should I start calling you ‘sir’ now?”

Evan frowned at that.

“Not like that.”

“Well, whatever you think, all I want is a cozy room, a cup of tea, some occasional delicious pastries, and a cigarette every now and then. That’s enough for me.”

At my words, Evan looked slightly flustered.

It was only natural.

After going through such experiences, most people would be consumed by hatred, resentment, or some other negative emotion.

It’s true I’m filled with rage, but more than that, I’m afraid.

Afraid of failing again. Afraid of enduring the same horrors and not surviving this time.

Especially when it comes to Evan.

What Evan is suggesting would mean making Vivian our enemy.

Vivian would never tolerate immorality.

A heroine beloved by the world would never accept people like me and Evan.

“Don’t you feel angry when you think of the Emperor—or rather, the Crown Prince?

Or when you think of foolish me or that vile Lydia?”

When I said that, Evan looked at me with an expression somewhere between disappointment and anger.

“Of course I’m angry. Why wouldn’t I be furious?

Those bastards who treated me like livestock, that damn Johannes who locked me up and trampled on my limbs, my eyes, my dignity, and Lydia, who tormented me the moment our family collapsed.

I hate them all. I hate them with every fiber of my being. But…”

He paused to take a breath.

What he was saying was practically a confession.

And to Evan, who had saved me, it must have been even harder to say.

“I’m scared. Terrified.

If I resist, who knows what kind of terrible things they’ll do to me.

And they might do the same to you.

What if, when I come back, you’re no longer here, caring for me like you are now, and all that’s left is a version of you tearing me apart with words?

That thought drives me insane.

Honestly, I’ve been holding on to my sanity as best I can.

Sometimes I lose it, but that’s just because it’s been too much.”

Saying this sober is a bit tough.

I wish I could exhale these words through a puff of cigarette smoke or let them spill out with the warmth of alcohol coursing through me.

Saying it sober only makes me realize how fragile and useless I really am.

I want to maintain a bloated sense of self-worth, but it’s hard.

“I’m cowardly, selfish, and scared. I can’t make a choice.

Right now… this is happiness to me.

I’m alive. I’m not in pain.

And there’s someone who cares about me.

That’s why I’m scared.

I’m terrified that all of this could disappear in an instant.”

At those words, Evan smirked and flicked my forehead with his finger.

I couldn’t help but feel a little sulky. After all, I’d been honest about my feelings, but what I got in return felt like mockery.

Not that I was in a position to complain.

Evan scattered the water in the pond with a wave of his hand, then began to shine light on it.

Soon, a screen began to rise above the rippling water.

“If you can’t make a decision, I’ll help you.

All you have to do is speak, Erica. Whatever you want, whatever you say, I’ll make it all come true.

I told you, didn’t I? I’ll protect you. There’s no need to be afraid of anything.”

The screen displayed people writhing in pain as they died.

Soldiers clutching their spears trembled, their bodies contorting before they shriveled up like skeletons.

Then, they disintegrated into dust. Thousands of them, it seemed.

Next, the Crown Prince appeared on the screen, hanging from a pole, slowly burning to death.

It was a sight that had never occurred in this world, but it was undeniably satisfying to watch.

“Are you still afraid of Johannes? That useless coward who knows nothing but how to hide behind others?”

I nodded.

Of course, I was afraid. After all, I had suffered through such things.

“Vivian is strong, sure. But we’ll manage somehow.

We’ve fought countless times before. Again and again, yes, over and over.

And I always win in the end. Because I’m the one who survives!”

The screen that had shown the humans shriveling up and dying dissipated, and Evan stood up, positioning himself in front of me.

He looked into my eyes and smiled reassuringly.

“There’s nothing to worry about.

No reason to be afraid.

Erica, you just need to speak.

Even if your soul is mingled with something else, I won’t question it.

In the end, the essence of who you are remains intact.

If anything, you should be thankful for the mixing. Without it, you’d have crumbled completely.”

He leaned closer, pressing his forehead against mine, just like he had when he brought me back here.

Thanks to the soundproofing spell he’d cast earlier, no one but me could hear him now as he whispered softly in my ear.

How had he noticed that my soul was mixed with something else?

Perhaps it didn’t matter. If anyone wanted to remove it, they should have done so before I was dragged to the square and beheaded.

“Don’t hesitate.

If you want to kill the Crown Prince, hang him on a pole and burn him alive.

If you hate them, press the muzzle of a gun to their foreheads and pull the trigger without a second thought.”

They say that once you become a dark mage, you start offering sacrifices to evil gods and engage in all sorts of conversations with them.

It sounded like something a demon would say to seduce someone.

The kind of whisper promising, ‘Sell your soul, and I’ll grant you whatever you desire.’

I imagined Johannes groveling at my feet, trembling in fear, begging for his life with clasped hands.

I pictured myself tormenting those who had treated me cruelly, making them suffer.

I envisioned carrying Vivian around like a lifeless doll.

Before I knew it, the corners of my mouth had lifted into a smile that wouldn’t come down.

I wasn’t sure if it was joy, excitement, or fear, but my breathing quickened slightly.

My breaths became shallow, and eventually, my once expressionless face formed a blissful smile.

Evan, noticing my expression, spoke.

“I’ll be right behind you.”

Our smiles were both twisted.