Chapter 64: To Be Here

I had a nightmare.

A terrible, painful nightmare, the kind you completely forget upon waking, but never want to recall.

No, perhaps it’s more accurate to say that since every living moment was a nightmare, I experienced them endlessly even without falling asleep.

I thought I had awakened, drawn by Yujin’s warmth. I thought I was living under the bright sunlight, under the sun named ‘her.’

But now, I was in a nightmare again. I couldn’t remember what had happened. I only knew I was in a nightmare, in a nightmare-like memory.

What I remembered was an old building, decades old.

An old villa, just right for a family of four.

The images of my parents, myself, and my younger sister came to mind.

Their usual, ordinary appearances. But their faces were as if painted over with lime, indistinct.

So let’s just say I saw the figures of a man, a woman, and two young children, four in total. Even the face of the boy, who was probably me, was painted pitch black and invisible.

Images flashed by, of a child being blamed, beaten, tied up and hit with a long stick, starved, and collapsing into sleep wrapped in a tattered cloth, his body weary.

With each passing image, it hurt.

The cut wounds screamed, and the pain etched deep into my brain, spirit, and memory was resurrected.

A corner of my memory spoke up, saying it was a familiar sensation, a known feeling.

My severed right arm cried out, as if it were still attached, protesting the freezing chill, the agony of flesh being flayed, the pain of bones being shattered.

Back then, though it was often broken, all my limbs were still intact, so it made sense.

A murderous intent surged.

I don’t remember when it started.

But ever since my memories began, that scene, that pain, was always a part of my daily life, no, it was daily life itself.

That’s why, one day, I wanted to kill everything, even my own body, and run away.

Because death was a comfortable, sweet temptation and a final destination.

But on another day, some time later, I came to fear death. Because I had grown accustomed to the pain, to the humiliation.

And so, I became unable to even think about death, whether my own or someone else’s.

The nightmare moved on to the next scene.

A person stood in front of the old villa’s entrance.

Thin, shabby, and worn.

He was conflicted.

He wanted to escape.

Out of the small room, out of the world of handcuffs and clubs and hunger and bruises and pain, to anywhere.

He took a few steps out of the first-floor entrance, turned back, and returned to the front of the entrance again.

And he just kept staring at the entrance door.

It wasn’t because he didn’t know what was inside.

The transparent glass door of the old villa’s entrance clearly showed the interior, and he knew better than anyone what was hidden in the deeper parts unseen through the glass door.

He couldn’t survive if he turned his back, not knowing the outside world.

The option of turning his back only swirled in his mind; the young man couldn’t choose it.

Because that itself was too great a pain, and if he didn’t turn his back, the familiar time of pain and humiliation would continue, but he could at least stay alive.

He recalled the memory from years ago, of being thrown out naked, trembling in fear, prostrating himself and begging.

Even if it meant jumping into a fire that burned his flesh, the small room he had lived in for 20 years was everything to him, so he had no choice but to return.

Opening the glass door, climbing the stairs, opening the doorknob and going inside,

He once again cast off all thoughts, hopes, fears, emotions, and reason, and became just an existing shell.

This was what happened the day before the town was ruined by a sudden monster attack.

“Ah…”

My throat is on fire. My parched lips and tongue feel like they’re about to split. My body is heavy.

As I slowly opened my eyelids that were stuck together, the midday sunlight was faintly seeping through the familiar-shaped curtains.

Where am I?

The ceiling, a soft bed infused with a faint lavender scent.

The precious scent that stimulates my memory brings back my flickering consciousness.

Yujin’s house. The bedroom. How long was I asleep? What happened? My thoughts, my memories, are unclear.

Forcing my struggling body, mired in lethargy, to sit up slightly, I saw that the door was open.

“Ah.”

Beyond the open door, my eyes met with brown ones that were doing something in the kitchen.

“Seoa…!”

Thump, thump, thump, a smaller figure than me, with brown hair, ran over and hugged me tightly.

A familiar, faint scent. It’s Yujin.

I wasn’t sure what was happening, but my heart ached as if I had been separated from her for a very long time.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt? Do you know where you are?”

Her voice, as she rushed to me, still lying on the bed with only my upper body raised, and hugged me, pouring out questions, was laced with sobs and tears.

“I was so worried, you didn’t wake up even after two days, I was afraid something was wrong, hic, that you would never wake up, I was so scared…”

Hot tears stained my chest where her face was buried.

It pained me to see Yujin swallowing her tears and speaking in an almost mumbling voice, so I tried to wrap my arm around her back to pat her, and realized my right arm was gone.

“Agh…”

As I recognized that fact, a piercing pain, as if the missing arm was freezing, burning, and being torn apart, flashed through me for a moment.

“…I’m okay.”

My voice was so hoarse and cracked it was hard to understand, but I couldn’t not speak to her as she pulled away slightly and looked at me with worried eyes.

Because it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I couldn’t see the severed part of my right arm well, but the stump seemed to have healed cleanly.

The wounds that had covered my whole body also seemed to have healed cleanly, at least the visible parts of my skin.

It would be nice if a magical girl’s regenerative power could even regenerate a lost arm.

Then I wouldn’t have had to make her worry.

And, I wouldn’t have had a reason to feel the anxiety seeping out and crawling up.

“It doesn’t hurt. I was just surprised for a moment. So, you don’t have to worry. It’s not like having one arm is inconvenient. You know, I can use magic, so this much is…”

I stroked her back with my remaining, intact left arm. As strongly as I felt my own anxiety.

Foolishly, I imagine Yujin’s face, showing contempt and disgust for me, for being unsightly and useless without a right arm.

There’s no way that would happen, I know how devotedly she treated people who lived alone after losing an arm or a leg or an eye, but I’m still afraid.

Because the fear of being abandoned is rooted so deeply.

“I’m okay, so you don’t have to worry. So…”

A soft sensation touched my lips, which were unable to continue speaking out of fear and shame.

“Okay. Rest for a bit, I’ll make you something simple to eat.”

…I was so starved for her warmth that I wanted to feel it for even a moment longer, but that one short kiss made me feel as if everything was fulfilled, as if I was stable.

I see her back as she walks towards the dining table visible beyond the room door, and then to the kitchen behind it. She’s as lovely as ever.

I followed her figure and got out of bed,

And my hair fell down.

Pure white hair.

On the drawer by the bed, there was a mirror, and in the mirror, red eyes, as dull as if they were rotting, were reflected.

Ah.

Me, who had been collapsed for days, my missing right arm, the fatigue and lethargy. The chaotic memories and thoughts fit together.

The events of that night come back to me.

Slitting Glasia Azure’s throat and stabbing her heart, killing her, being ravaged by magical girls, losing my right arm,

And drawing out magic, no, a more sinister power from the tumor stuck to my chest, and swallowing the magical girl in violet.

The image of a magical girl, losing both her legs and crawling on the ground as she struggled to escape the closing maw of a pitch-black monster, came to mind.

And then I think I lost consciousness.

What did I do?

When I came to my senses, I had already arrived in front of the apartment’s common entrance, and I dragged my dying body to the front of my home.

A body soaked in blood, white hair, red eyes, the very image of Sanguine Obsidia.

I showed Yujin all of it.

Days have passed, enough time for the events of that night to have spread across the world on TV.

My identity was revealed in the most sudden and unwanted way.

The whole story of the incident, my identity, everything was revealed to her.

“Haah… haah… haah…”

I can’t breathe.

In the dark room, I collapsed in the shadows of the curtains and furniture where the light from beyond the door couldn’t reach.

I’ll be abandoned. Thrown out. Despised by Ahn Yujin, loathed by her.

The curses and accusations she would now pour on the murderous monster Sanguine Obsidia flash through my mind.

It was wrong of me to shamelessly wish for a normal life after killing so many for pleasure. No.

I thought I could continue to live in her warmth.

My thoughts are spinning their wheels.

Repeating and flickering, the same thoughts, the gloomy prospects, repeat endlessly.

The dining table, the kitchen, are so far away.

I can’t go out. I’m afraid to leave the room and stand before her, to confirm the truth.

I’m afraid the spinning fear will become reality, and I don’t know what to do, just sitting there collapsed, feeling the bitter, constricting pain in my chest.

“Seoa?”

The brown eyes, which had approached me while I was crouched down, were now looking into my ugly red ones.

“Are you okay? It’s still not healed…”

“Please don’t abandon me.”

Please don’t abandon me.

“I didn’t mean to deceive you. I had no intention of hurting you. Please, please don’t abandon me.”

Please don’t abandon me.

Lee Seoa, no, Sanguine Obsidia, as if possessed, prostrated herself on the floor, banging her head, and clung to Ahn Yujin’s feet, her legs, begging and begging again.

Her voice, crawling on the floor wet with tears, was now so distorted that the words were indistinguishable, but it was clearly a string of groveling apologies and pleas.

What can I do? This is all I can do.

Because I don’t have the courage to face her true feelings, nor do I know any other way, and I can’t even imagine a life without her anymore.

If I’m abandoned by her, I’ll lose my warmth and have no choice but to freeze to death in a field of ice.

So please, don’t abandon me.

A soft touch on my head, the familiar feel of a stroking palm, made my body tremble, and I prostrated myself even further.

Because if I lifted my head, I thought I would see her face.

I don’t know how much time passed.

The cold sweat and tears are so cold they feel like they’re freezing, and my body trembles incessantly from the chill of my face and pajamas, soaked and clinging to me.

“Seoa.”

And, an unavoidable voice piercing my ears made me shudder.

“It’s okay. I won’t abandon you.”

A sweet phrase.

“Why would I abandon you, when I love you so much.”

As if in a daze, I lifted my face.

I accepted her embracing arms and entrusted my body to the softness of her palm stroking my back.

“I’ll be with you forever, until the day I die. So don’t worry.”

My eyes grew hot, and I buried my face in the nape of her neck. My tears had already dried up.

“…I had a feeling you might be Sanguine Obsidia. I was a little surprised when I found out for sure. But whatever you are, you’re Lee Seoa, and my lover.”

‘Really, me.’

“It’s okay if you’re a magical girl, or a murderer.”

“…I.”

“Do you love me?”

“I love you. I only think of you. I can’t live without you.”

My throat was tight, but I answered without a moment’s hesitation, in a cracked voice.

And for a long time, unable to even shed tears, I cried again.

“Me too.”

She said, smiling. She must be smiling.

“So, even if you kill people with a smile, even if you commit crimes, I will never hate you or abandon you.”

Yujin is my everything.

Even if the word ‘ordinary’ is removed, she is still life itself.

That’s why her words, the love she expressed, are absolute.

“Make me believe that I won’t be abandoned, that I am loved. Me…”

But, my fear and apprehension wanted proof, and I voiced a demand born of instinct.

I was pushed over and fell.

The cool floor of the room touched my back, and a hot breath touched my lips.

Body on body, lips on lips.

“Ngh…”

As a small, soft tongue pushed its way between my lips, pleasure spread through my body.

As the sensation spread, my doubts and fears melted away.

The overlapping lips twitched, and the boundary between her and me melted.

“More.”

After a long kiss that left me breathless, I said to her as she pulled her lips away and gasped for air.

A kiss that gives me warmth, affection… and a sense of security.

I entrusted everything to her tongue ravaging my mouth, to her breath,

And after a long time, we parted our lips again, and I rolled over to my side, and now, as if covering her, I devoured her lips with mine.

By the time even our rough breaths were exhausted, the sunlight seeping through the curtains had disappeared, and it had grown dark.

Holding hands tightly, we passed through the door that had seemed so far away just hours ago and sat at the dining table.

Yujin said she would make me something new, but I picked up the bread that was on the table and put it in my mouth.

It was toast that had gone completely cold, hard and tough, but it was sweeter and happier than anything I had ever eaten.