Chapter 61: Two Cracks – 3

…Love?

Me, loving Vivian?

I suddenly found myself revisiting the time I’d spent with her.

From the moment we first met, filled with fierce hatred, to the fights and wounds that stemmed from it, and even to the way she had acted a few days ago.

She always managed to infuriate me.

Between us, there was always an underlying loathing lurking in the background.

…But I knew.

From the very first moment I met her, something inside me had wavered.

And as I got to know her, that wavering only grew stronger.

But could I call that feeling love?

There were days, like today, when I couldn’t stand the sight of her.

From before I even hit adolescence, I’d experienced confusing emotions that, even now as I’d nearly grown into an adult, I couldn’t name.

I stood frozen for a long while, then clenched my teeth and shook my head.

“…Shut up. What do you know about anything? Love, my ass…?”

I spat out the words harshly, but even I could tell there was no conviction behind them.

And just like my trembling voice, my feelings were equally conflicted.

“If only she wasn’t a woman… Vivian would’ve been beaten to a pulp by me, you know that?”

Does she have any idea how many impulses I suppress whenever I see her?

Her stubborn behavior, her annoying tone, all those nerve-wracking things she does—they all came to mind at once.

Every time, I had to hold myself back from smacking her.

The remnants of chivalry my father taught me were the only things keeping my reason intact.

But… among those infuriating traits, there were moments when her genuine feelings slipped through.

The slight warmth in her voice when she spoke, the unexpected tenderness in her gaze, and sometimes… those fleeting smiles we shared.

Whenever those moments happened, I had to suppress another kind of impulse.

No, I had to stop myself from thinking.

I gritted my teeth and forcibly turned my head away.

My heart was pounding so violently it felt suffocating, unbearable even.

I was furious.

I couldn’t understand why I had to feel this confused.

The maid spoke.

“Please, don’t deny your feelings so harshly with such crude words.”

The thoughts I was trying to stop kept being pushed along by the maid, making me feel like I was on the verge of losing my patience.

I suppressed my rising anger once more.

“Get lost before I beat you to death. Stop testing a person’s patience…”

Though my tone was harsh, even I could tell the anger wasn’t sincere this time either.

It was more of a shield to hide my inner turmoil.

The maid finally fell silent.

Instead, she simply held out a small note in her hand.

I couldn’t bring myself to take it, nor could I ignore it.

I hesitated.

I knew I needed to check that note.

But my chaotic emotions, my inability to understand why I continued to protect Vivian, the futility of never receiving anything in return, and a shred of pride all kept me from reaching for it.

“…Shall I take it back then?”

Her voice was laced with worry and hesitation.

When I still failed to respond, she added:

“…If you intend to give up on Lady Vivian, if you find this situation uncomfortable… I will inform the master. You won’t have to hear from us again.”

“Is that a threat?”

“No, sir. It’s just… reaching out to you comes with significant risks for us as well…”

I let out a deep sigh and turned my gaze forward.

The petals from my mother’s flowers had drifted so far down the river that they were no longer visible.

“…Leave it.”

I finally spoke to the maid.

She stepped closer, placed the note down, and bowed deeply before turning to leave.

Just before she disappeared, I couldn’t stop myself from asking one more question, one that had been swirling in my mind.

“…My mother.”

The maid turned back to me.

“…Is she really dead?”

She remained silent for a moment before nodding.

“Yes.”

No matter how many times I confirmed it, the news still didn’t feel real.

In a daze, I asked again.

“…What happened to her?”

She shook her head.

“…We’re still looking into it. Once we know, we’ll inform you immediately.”

I closed my eyes and scratched my ear, pushing down the lump rising in my throat before nodding.

The maid left me, and once again, I was alone.

Left to myself, I could no longer resist the note’s temptation.

I picked up the small piece of paper and opened it.

“Someone is hunting assassins. Be careful.”

“…Hah.”

I crumpled the note and threw it into the river.

The note drifted down the current like the petals I’d left for my mother.

I muttered to myself.

“…Unbelievable.”

***

Hearing news of a commotion at the gates, I headed there.

I carried a greatsword strapped to my back.

Duran, who had delivered the news, glanced at my gear with curiosity.

“Why are you lugging that heavy thing around?”

“…None of your business.”

Unlike most others who carried swords at their waists, I wielded a greatsword that was far too large to be practical for daily use.

Normally, I didn’t carry any weapons.

But after receiving that note, I couldn’t afford to go unarmed.

I still didn’t want to see Vivian’s face, but… I needed to be prepared, just in case.

Whether I continued to protect Vivian in the future was a separate matter, but when the time came, I wanted to hold the choice in my hands.

For now, the option of being her fool and fighting for her was one I kept open.

Duran, familiar with my eccentricities, merely shrugged.

He didn’t press further, knowing full well I wouldn’t give him an answer.

Instead, he asked something else.

Something he and the others had likely been curious about lately.

“Kailo, what’s with you lately?”

“…What do you mean?”

“Scattering flowers, zoning out by the river, skipping meals…”

There was a knowing look in his tone, a careful expression, a sense of worry.

Everyone must have suspected something by now.

Duran just seemed to be speaking on behalf of the others, hoping to hear the truth from me.

He asked cautiously.

“…Did you lose a family member?”

I sniffled briefly.

Even though I’d spent years with my fellow soldiers, I wondered if it was right to share this with them.

After all, their families were all tied to mine in one way or another.

Would it be proper to tell them something like this?

Suddenly, the thought struck me that this hesitation was pointless.

I nodded to Duran and spoke honestly.

“…My mother.”

Duran nodded silently and gently patted my shoulder.

He then said:

“Did you fight with Lady Vivian?”

“…Fight? Who said we fought?”

“Do you think you can hide it? Both of you are walking around with terrifying expressions.”

Duran quietly stretched his neck.

Then he spoke.

“Hey, Kailo. You told me to keep an eye on Lady Vivian, so I’m doing that, but… the problem isn’t someone else. It’s Lady Vivian herself.”

I asked back, puzzled by his words.

“…What do you mean?”

“She hasn’t been eating lately. I’m starting to worry she might collapse from starvation.”

“…Vivian?”

“Yeah, you idiot.”

The news stirred a mix of emotions in me.

I felt satisfied but also worried, frustrated yet strangely reassured that I still seemed to have some impact on her.

The tangled feelings left me shaking my head to clear my thoughts once again.

“Let her starve. What do you want me to do about it?”

Duran fell silent at my answer.

By then, we had reached the source of the commotion.

A few soldiers stood at the castle gate—not many, as if the commotion wasn’t much of a threat.

The peaceful atmosphere helped ease my tension.

“What’s this?”

Pushing past the soldiers, I moved to assess the situation.

“Ah.”

Surrounded by soldiers, I saw a young woman.

She looked to be about my age, with blonde hair and a somewhat pretty face, which seemed to have earned her the soldiers’ care and protection.

“Is someone important visiting?”

She asked, her voice high-pitched and distinctly feminine.

Her curious question made me focus on her.

She held a stick, her eyes closed—her blindness was evident at a glance.

“Why are you here?”

I asked.

The blind girl propped herself up with her staff and cheerfully answered.

“I heard Lady Vivian was looking for talent! If I get the chance, I’d like to devote myself and be of help!”

The soldiers and I exchanged glances, and at that moment, I finally understood the cause of the commotion.

It was true Vivian had been looking for talent, but this was the first time someone had come forward like this.

It seemed everyone was flustered because it was such a new occurrence.

Looking at her, I remarked bluntly.

“What good is a blind person?”

“Hey, watch it…”

Duran gave me a look, but I couldn’t just ignore the situation.

She had to understand the risks of standing by Vivian’s side.

For someone blind like her, the dangers would only multiply.

We weren’t playing games here.

Still, the girl smiled brightly and replied.

“I may be blind, but I’m great with numbers! My mother often praised my business skills, too! Maybe losing my sight sharpened my mind!”

The soldiers smiled warmly at her energetic demeanor, but their eyes toward me grew colder.

Even Duran, who had been grinning at her, scowled as soon as it was my turn to respond.

“Your name and age?”

“Kelsie! I’m seventeen years old!”

She was the same age as me, which felt oddly unsettling.

But since Vivian was the one recruiting, I couldn’t turn her away on my own whim.

I ordered the soldiers.

“Search her.”

Kelsie flinched at the command.

“Ah… uh… th-that…”

Her visible hesitation made the soldiers falter, unsure of how to proceed.

“…What are you doing?”

I asked, frowning at their reluctance.

For some reason, they seemed to feel an odd sense of protectiveness toward her.

Whatever conversation had happened before Duran and I arrived, it was clear she had already won them over.

Even Duran leaned close to whisper.

“Come on, she’s blind… Do you really have to?”

-Tap!

I smacked him on the forehead with the back of my hand and shoved him away.

When no one else would step up, I decided to do it myself.

-Tap, tap.

“Eek!”

Starting at her waist, I patted down her body, checking every part of her—her thighs, ankles, shoes, stomach, back, arms, and so on.

Though Kelsie initially resisted, she soon gave up, her closed eyes frowning in discomfort.

Her trembling hands tightly gripped her staff.

-Tap.

“Ah! My staff…!”

Finally, I took her staff, inspecting it carefully in case it had been disguised as a weapon.

It turned out to be just an ordinary wooden stick.

I held it up and asked.

“Do you absolutely need to use this?”

“Pardon?”

“Does it have to be this specific staff?”

“Uh… no, not really. I just picked it up off the ground… I’m used to it, that’s all.”

Handing the staff to Duran, I said.

“Find another stick she can use. Burn this one for firewood.”

“What’s with you?”

“What if it’s a witch’s staff?”

Kelsie gasped in shock.

“A w-witch? I swear I’m not…!”

Her expression was so genuine that I almost believed her—but that didn’t mean I could let my guard down.

The warning note I’d received earlier had left me uneasy.

“It doesn’t hurt to be cautious.”

I said to her.

“A commoner wanting to meet the Lord of Loctana—you get my point, don’t you?”

“If this is too much, you can leave.”

Kelsie hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath and answered firmly.

“No! I’m not going back! I have siblings to feed, and I can’t give up now.”

Hearing about her siblings tugged at me a little.

After all, I’d come to Loctana for my own siblings as well.

I nodded, though she wouldn’t have seen it.

As Duran went off to find a replacement staff, Kelsie spoke up.

“Um… just one thing.”

“…?”

“…What’s your name?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Well, you… touched my body, so…”

“If you care about things like that, just go back. You won’t last long in the castle anyway.”

The atmosphere turned icy.

The soldiers’ pitying gazes deepened, though Kelsie wouldn’t have noticed them.

She fell silent, standing still until Duran returned with a suitable branch for her staff.

“Be careful; the surface is rough.”

He advised, handing it to her.

“Ah, thank you…”

Kelsie cautiously tapped the ground with her new staff.

I spoke to her.

“Let’s go meet Vivian.”

“V-Vivian? You’re taking me to Lady Vivian?”

She seemed surprised, but I didn’t bother explaining and started walking.

I needed to see Vivian anyway.

After that note earlier, I’d decided to face her at least once.

But how should I act when we meet?

Would yelling at her make me feel better?

The maid’s words were still messing with my head: You love Vivian.

…What nonsense.

As I walked, lost in thought, Kelsie called out from behind.

“W-Wait! Where did you go?”

Turning back, I saw her fumbling in the wrong direction.

The sight made me feel an odd pang of guilt.

Maybe I was overthinking things.

She’d come all this way for her siblings despite being blind.

That took courage.

“Wait! Please don’t leave me!”

Her desperate voice stopped me.

-Thunk!

And then, tripping over her unfamiliar staff, she fell flat on the ground.

“Ouch…”

Duran quickly ran to help her, and I followed more slowly.

“You’re something else.”

I muttered under my breath.

Struggling to her feet, Kelsie looked embarrassed.

“S-Sorry. I’m blind, so… I must be quite a bother.”

“…Get up.”

I grabbed her arm and helped her stand.

Kelsie steadied herself with her staff and said hesitantly.

“If you could just walk a little slower, I’ll try to focus on your footsteps…”

“Forget it.”

I looped her empty hand through my arm, creating a light, supportive hold.

“Is this better?”

Kelsie stiffened, then stammered.

“Y-Yes! I mean… yes! Thank you… um… it’s fine, really. Once I get used to the staff…”

“What are you mumbling about?”

“I thought… you were a terrible person, but… uh, no! It’s just been a while since I… oh, never mind!”

Her flustered rambling reminded me of Vivian for some reason.

The thought made me chuckle softly.

Kelsie fell silent again after hearing my laugh.

I resumed walking, her grip on my arm tightening as we went.

After some time, she asked, tapping the ground as she walked.

“Are you really not going to tell me your name?”

“If Vivian decides you’re useless, what’s the point of knowing my name?”

“…Then if Lady Vivian finds me useful?”

“Prove your worth first.”

I couldn’t understand why she was so fixated on my name.

Something about her gave me an odd sense of familiarity, like a faint echo of Lani Dubois.

As we walked, I spotted Vivian in the distance.

She wasn’t in her room but wandering around, seemingly on a stroll.

Her restless gaze darted about.

I stopped and watched her for a moment before approaching.

With each step, the maid’s voice echoed in my mind.

Vivian noticed me and froze.

The calm expression she wore moments earlier twisted into one of sharp anger.

Her gaze flicked between me and Kelsie.

Even when we stood close enough to speak, neither of us said a word.

Though it had only been a few days, seeing her again felt like an eternity.

I didn’t know how to begin.

Stopping in front of her, I finally spoke.

“…I heard you’re not eating?”

Kelsie reacted first.

“What?”

But Vivian, after glancing at Kelsie’s staff and then back at me, only asked.

“So what?”

Her tone showed no intention of having a conversation, and I shook my head.

“…Who is she?”

Vivian gestured toward Kelsie with her chin.

“Someone who came because of your speech.”

I answered briefly.

Vivian frowned, glaring at the way Kelsie held my arm.

“…What help could a blind person possibly be?”

Though she echoed my earlier words, this time, I found myself defending Kelsie.

“That’s for you to figure out.”

Vivian looked at Kelsie, then spoke coldly.

“Let go of him.”

“Pardon?”

Confused about who she was addressing, Kelsie hesitantly released my arm.

“…Why are you carrying a sword?”

Vivian’s eyes fell on the dual swords strapped to my back.

I hesitated, then simply warned her.

“…Be careful at night.”

Vivian’s expression shifted, understanding the weight of my words.

Fear flickered across her face as she blinked at me repeatedly.

It wasn’t fear of physical danger—it was something emotional, as if she wanted me to stay close for comfort.

Her vulnerability wavered me.

The maid’s voice and my muddled emotions churned together painfully.

I felt like a fool for even considering protecting her again.

But I spoke resolutely, perhaps to convince myself more than her.

“…I won’t protect you anymore. I realize now how foolish that was.”

Vivian’s lips trembled, but her voice remained strong.

“…I never asked you to. I told you not to protect me, didn’t I?”

Her words stung more deeply this time.

I froze, then nodded.

Hearing it again hurt even more.

Unable to find a reply, I turned to leave.

But her voice stopped me.

“Wait…!”

Her tone was laced with hesitation, but it was all too easy to hear the lingering regret.

When I turned back, her face was contorted with frustration, anger, and exasperation.

“I don’t need your protection! And… I’m not going to apologize for what I did to you!”

Vivian hesitated, her expression softening.

“Kailo, you…”

Kelsie flinched at the sound of my name.

“…Kailo? Kailo Alan?”

Vivian’s sad eyes whispered as she asked.

“…Aren’t you hungry?”

A ridiculous, out-of-place question.

“…What?”

“I’m… hungry.”

Vivian bit her lip, her eyes tightly shut in embarrassment.

But I knew she wasn’t talking about actual hunger.

If it was just about food, she’d eat.

There was no reason to tell me this.

This was about us—our relationship.

It was her way of extending an olive branch, a subtle invitation to reconcile.

Let’s stop this and eat together.

If you’re not here, I’ll keep starving.

So stop starving yourself too.

It was her unique, roundabout way of apologizing.

Her way of admitting defeat.

I couldn’t reply.

So, I simply turned and left.

I needed more time to process my thoughts.

But one thing became clear to me at that moment:

Hearing those words, I realized just how hungry I had been, too.