A Lady Who Made Up Her Mind

Catherine Duey, who had emerged from the lake, fled the park hastily, looking like a drowned rat. I looked at Churchill and said playfully:

“It’s cold out, what if she catches a cold? Won’t it be troublesome to explain or clarify later?”

“A fire ability user catching a cold because it’s chilly… Such a thing might be possible.”

“…Your words just now are a bit of a misunderstanding, Briar. I… I’m not the kind of human scum who can’t feel the will to live without sexual desire. At least to that extent… I don’t think I am.”

“It would be strange if it sounded like that. But that’s not what I meant. Everyone wants to live day by day, looking forward to tomorrow. People who just fall asleep, not caring if tomorrow doesn’t come. Of course, they exist, but they’re very rare. However, there are many people who think it doesn’t matter if tomorrow’s world is exactly the same as today’s.”

“…It doesn’t matter if tomorrow’s world is exactly the same as today’s…”

“What I mean is, I want to talk about the state of not having a very intense desire to show something in tomorrow’s world. I’ve lived like that too, wondering if this is what living as a person is like. There were so many people looking for me, so many people saying I was great… But I couldn’t write a single proper song. Everyone called me a genius, but I couldn’t create anything. It was easy to imitate, though.”

“…”

“I thought I might find it if I did something strange enough to get scolded at home. But it’s different. I came to China and found part of the world I want to change. There are several unromantic ways to explain why I was fascinated by you, but… I won’t accept such explanations now. It’s more plausible to just say this was fate. Because that’s prettier, more romantic, and more beautiful.”

“If it were just beautiful, that would be good.”

“It’s so dirty it’s painful. Maybe that’s why this kind of story suits me.”

At that moment, Briar Churchill pushed me towards the lake, making me fall into the water. I was startled for a moment after falling into the shallow lake, but I couldn’t get angry at her. Because Briar Churchill jumped into the water after me.

“I think what Duey said about you is true too. I’m not saying you were suicidal, wanting to die. She’s probably saying that you weren’t interested in the world, that you had nothing you wanted to do for yourself in the world. Now that you’ve found something you want to do, if that’s your relationship with Zhou. If what makes you human is connecting emotionally with another woman. How could I stop that?”

“Bri.”

“I don’t know how you’ve lived. But from what I’ve observed over the past month, I’m sure the reason you became like this was because you lost love. I’m certain that woman named Mayumi didn’t just simply die. I won’t ask in detail because you don’t want to talk about it, but it seems clear that you lost too much in your heart because of what happened to her. So… if you say that mine alone isn’t enough to fill that hole, I… If you had given your heart to me first, I might be able to accuse you of infidelity, but as things stand now, I…”

I sighed slightly, wringing out the water from my hair. A round ripple formed on the lake’s surface where my breath touched.

“Mayumi was captured and killed by the Party.”

I can’t tell you the details of my past. But a little should be okay. If I just tell a slightly embellished story based on the facts, this much should be fine.

“By the Party, you mean the Japanese Communist Party?”

“It’s like the fate of anti-communist refugees. Ordinary refugees aren’t pursued so zealously by the Japanese. But she… She must have been quite important in Japan. To the extent that Japan had to be wary of her coming over to Korea.”

“…It must have been hard to take care of the body.”

“I couldn’t take care of it. It was unavoidable.”

“…”

“Please don’t tell this story to others.”

Because if someone investigates thoroughly, there might be people who can find out that my story isn’t completely true. Mayumi was publicly executed. Her name will surely remain in some places as records or memories, and if Churchill investigates very diligently, she might be able to find records of her execution.

While she’s in Huangpu, investigation would be impossible. I don’t want other people to know this story unnecessarily. It’s too dangerous.

“Why did such a dangerous woman end up with you?”

“I think Mayumi… wanted a normal life. She seemed to be scared at some point. The fact that she, still young, was involved in work related to secrets that could get her executed by the Party if leaked. So I think she wanted to run away.”

“Did you hear what those secrets were?”

“…Well. I didn’t want to know.”

That was really true.

At some point, even though it was my mission. I felt guilty about making her confess it. In the end, I succeeded in making her reveal that secret at her most vulnerable moment while having sex with her.

That was the end of my mission. She died after that.

“At some point, she seemed to realize that being with me wouldn’t allow her to return to being an ordinary person, and after that… after that… she seemed to feel regret about that fact…”

So, she asked me. Aren’t you actually not Japanese? After confessing secrets about nuclear weapons and aircraft carriers to me in just one night of intimacy, she had a face that seemed to realize that our ordinary romance was a delusion from the start, that such a thing was impossible from the moment she became the party’s central secretary.

I think I realized at that moment when I heard that question from her that I had killed her. In fact, according to the rules, I should have taken out a gun or knife right there to kill Mayumi and silence her. But I turned away without a word, and she didn’t hold me back.

Suddenly, emotions welled up. Emotions I had forgotten for three years were making me say things I didn’t need to say. It’s behavior close to disqualification as a member of the organization.

“I… I might think she died because of me…”

“That could be,” Churchill said. I nodded.

“That could be.”

“Let’s get out. We’ll both catch colds at this rate.”

“You pushed me in.”

“Then we need to wash now.”

Churchill and I, completely soaked, came out of the lake and returned to the dormitory, shivering. We both were quite cold, so we returned to the dorm room without saying anything, but on the other hand, we both felt the urgent need to wash right away.

The time was already around 10 o’clock. It was too late to wander around, but it wasn’t necessarily time to sleep either.

“Together?” Churchill suggested. I peeked into the bathroom for a moment and then turned to her and asked:

“The bathroom is so big that there’s enough space in the tub, but is it really okay?”

“We’re just washing. We’ve already slept embracing each other.”

“I may not be as perceptive as Duey or Katerfeld, but I have eyes too. This is why you pushed me in the lake, isn’t it?”

“…The smell of aquatic plants. The terrible smell of stagnant water from poorly maintained land.”

Churchill leaned her face close to me and sniffed. I shrugged.

“It’s not just coming from me.”

“It’s the best.”

“I knew you had perverted tendencies, but I didn’t think you’d like the smell of lake water too.”

“It was last night that you mixed bodies with Zhou Lizhi and came back. And all day today, you and I haven’t been able to be properly close. It can’t stay like this. I could smell how thickly your bodily fluids were mixed even from the opposite side of the field. I could smell it even after you finished exercising, washed, shampooed your hair, and washed your face.”

“It must be your imagination.”

“Yes, it’s my imagination. That’s why I want to make that feeling better. Leave it to me. I’ll wash you until you’re squeaky clean, erasing that feeling left in my heart.”

“Haa…”

I took off my wet clothes and carelessly threw them on the floor.

“Shall I fill the tub, Bri?”

“That won’t do.”

“Because it takes too long? You seem to want to wash quickly now.”

“No. When I bury my face between your thighs and lick you, if you’re submerged in water, I’ll suffocate.”

“You’re planning to do it.”

“I’ve made up my mind.”

“A day late, though.”

“Shut up.”

She kissed me passionately and pushed me into the bathroom. Even though we had been in cold water and were shivering, her face was flushed red and heat could be felt from her body.

The air was trembling in response to her passion. With a crack sound, the mirror in the bathroom cracked on its own. It looked like it might shatter into pieces if Churchill’s emotions became just a bit more intense.

Neither of us cared. While she was undoing the hooks of my underwear, I took off Churchill’s wet shirt. Her hand moved between my legs, and I held her cheeks and showered her with kisses.

As the shower handle clicked up, hot water poured down from above. But we were already washing each other with our saliva.