Struggling (12)

I couldn’t throw a tantrum about the plan going awry.

I had to be satisfied that Erica had achieved quite a lot of growth.

At this moment, the fact that she was antagonizing me also belonged to that category.

Blood gushed from my mouth, which I had unconsciously covered.

This much is nothing.

It became natural beyond familiarity.

“Why are you doing this?”

I caught my breath.

My palm resting on the ground groaned as it touched the rough surface.

“There’s no need to do this.”

“I wish you wouldn’t say strange things.”

I smiled slightly while looking at Erica, who was still pointing her sword at me.

“This is originally my role, isn’t it?”

There was no visible wall to lean on. Even though a hunter who seemed to have fainted was leaning against a wall in one corner.

I was barely sitting in the center of this messy place.

“You just need to think about killing me.”

I slightly opened my eyes, desperately hoping that her reason still remained.

The shaking blade was visible first. And then the hand holding it. The arm.

“I can’t understand.”

“You don’t need to understand.”

“Why are you arbitrarily deciding that?”

“Is that not allowed?”

Are you expecting kindness and gentleness?

But that couldn’t be.

Because like my relationship with her, that also approached me in a dual way.

It was like a drug that was disgusting yet sweet. I hated that.

“If you thought I’d smile frivolously and yield to you, you’re mistaken.”

“…….”

After a moment of silence.

When the voice was heard again.

It seemed quite emotional.

“Ah, right. Right. Because you were always like that. From our first meeting until now, continuously.”

“I’m grateful you remember.”

“Always saying incomprehensible things, treating me well but then acting recklessly.”

Due to lack of strength, I couldn’t raise my head.

Just like that, being aware of receiving her gaze, I kept curling up my body.

It suited my status.

“I guess I have no choice but to use force to find out.”

Is this the stage of getting to know me?

Suddenly I wanted to ask that.

It would actually be like that.

No, perhaps the expression of an Association ranker getting to know a wanted Awakened One might belong to a quite normal category.

“I know well that even you feel pain. Because you grimaced every time your body was scarred.”

The exposed body dulled the senses to many things, but the sickly parts couldn’t overcome even pain.

Perhaps I should be happy? Because traces of when I was still human remain.

“So what are you going to do?”

“If you keep avoiding me like that, I’ll have no choice but to draw my sword again.”

Do you need to make your voice tremble while saying that? You’re just stating an obvious fact?

“First, first I’ll cut off your arms. Then I’ll slice your chest. Blood will flow out. It will hurt. You’ll be in so much pain that you’ll grab me and beg.”

“I don’t know when your tendencies became so extreme.”

“Do I look like I’m joking right now? Listen properly. Please.”

Why are you doing this?

Why are you like this?

I was desperate. But Erica seemed even more desperate.

“So tell me. Why you’re doing this. Why you keep telling me to kill you. Why you treat me kindly but then create distance like this. Everything.”

Because she’s pure. Too pure. Because I, whom she doesn’t know, feel too anxious to her.

Because she feels sorry for me who’s still spilling blood. Because the many scars hidden under my torn clothes are too horrible. Because my eyes that seem to have no color are scary.

Thinking about it, there could be many reasons.

Looking back, there was never a time when it was peaceful. That’s what my relationship with her was like. It was miserable.

“Can’t you hear me? I’ll, I’ll stab you! I’ll really stab!”

“That would hurt.”

“Orli!!”

My collar was grabbed. My head was forcibly lifted.

“If you don’t speak, I, I really. I’ll get angry…..”

Anxiety. Worry. Bewilderment.

The snow-white eyes had somehow changed to a dark color. Even the brilliant blonde hair that was always visible was now drooping.

If I don’t say anything like this, if it passes like this. It becomes continuing to be sad.

“I’m trash, aren’t I?”

I said the obvious. I recited the phrases she had said to me countless times.

“I’m a crazy bitch, aren’t I? I’m smiling even after doing such things.”

I smiled slightly. It was easy because I was so happy about this situation where I could narrow the distance with Erica.

Do you think you’ll understand if I tell you everything?

Even if you understand, can you do anything?

The fact that I’m gradually being swallowed by this character’s ego since becoming it, and the feeling that future daily life might become precarious too.

If I cry and spit it all out with my mouth, is that within the range you can accept?

I don’t think so.

She’ll have a harder time.

“So it’s natural, isn’t it? That I’m treated harshly by you. Because I’m a bad woman.”

“No.”

A whimpering voice overlapped. What if you cry better than me?

“You’re not that kind of person.”

I saw her biting her lip.

“Then what am I?”

Silence fell. The intersecting breaths subsided.

“I believe you’ll tell me someday.”

I smiled slightly.

Erica looked at me with her eyes shaking several times. As the conversation paused for a moment, she let go of my collar and turned her head.

“…..Wait.”

“I don’t want to.”

A resentful glance flew at me.

Watching her approach the hunters who seemed to have regained their strength, I clutched my torn abdomen.

The wound started to open extremely. The pain like it’s being torn doesn’t get familiar at all. All the scars and bright red blood, overflowed as if dirtying my entire body.

I hurriedly pulled my clothes to start wiping the flowing blood. It wasn’t enough. Maybe that’s why it hurt. Because it’s not enough. Because something is extremely lacking.

Because I can’t even stop the bleeding with this trash-like body. Watching the wounds that keep growing as if saying you can never do it alone, I self-deprecate.

My vision blurred. Am I crying? Tears. Bloody tears. The color isn’t even transparent. Because that’s what an endlessly deficient being is like.

I looked around with a hazy mind. Three fallen hunters. Five corpses visible in the distance. And several decaying monster and animal carcasses.

I must have killed someone again. While I couldn’t come to my senses. No, that didn’t happen. I was aware of swinging a knife towards someone, something. I just tried hard to avoid it. Because if I turn my eyes away from the corpses, I can forget for that moment.

Ugh.

Dark, dirty. I vomited. It’s filthy. It’s utterly filthy. It’s horrible.

Why don’t you just admit it? Just accept all of this. As part of daily life. Wouldn’t it get a little better then?

Nothing changed even after chewing on sentences mixed with resignation. It only makes my mood fall further.

When I turned my gaze to the other side upon hearing voices, I saw Erica talking with the hunters who seemed to have come to their senses.

For me who had no value in living, self-hatred was a companion that followed me everywhere. It was like that even when my mixed self was eaten away mentally and I betrayed myself.

That became a distant driving force for the determination to be killed by her. In this world, for me who could no longer look at anything and was endlessly falling, she was both a goal and love.

When I came to my senses, I was shouting something earnestly. But nothing would have changed. It wasn’t twisted at all from the tone and emotion of the words I usually spoke.

“Amaz…..amazing! Eri, Erica! You saved….. someone again…..”

I just shout urgently as always. I act out emotions while telling myself there’s no problem.

“Unlike me who cuts people with knives…..

You…..!”

Different. Highly.

The more I praise her whom I admire, the more I fall into a distant abyss. That’s the only struggling I can do.

Perhaps the sound coming from my mouth isn’t a human voice anymore? Maybe I can no longer imitate a person’s voice?

I felt like my vision was blocked and my ears were covered. I shouldn’t think. The more I think. The more I keep shouting something, my rotten body just seizes up.

My breathing is rough. The ringing in my ears pierces endlessly.

“Amazing! Cool! Pre…..pretty! Really…..! Hic. Hiek. Hup.”

I felt some warmth. My whole body groaned at the sudden touch.

I couldn’t speak. Because my face was buried in the uniform. Because I felt the hard buttons.

My back, which had been cool, couldn’t resist because it was wrapped in two arms.

I’m confined. I’ve become dependent.

I quietly closed my eyes. Because I knew I’d get scolded more if I resisted here.

In the quieted surroundings, the sensation seeping into my hair felt even stronger. Isn’t this too much? It’s unfair.

I enjoyed the touch. I enjoyed the warmth. With one hand on my back and one hand on my head, I could only act like a baby with hands and feet tied.

“If you resist, I’ll get angry.”

I knew painfully well that I wasn’t in a position to even nod. I entrusted my body to her quietly like a slave.

It’s really strange.

I just showed my usual excited self. I don’t know why I’m being hugged.