Chapter 59: How to be hated

Not okay, huh?

It was absurd. Of all people, this woman was the last person who should be saying that.

This kid is really looking down on me. That’s why she can lie so brazenly without even changing her expression.

“Did something bad happen? Did you fight with Dojin?”

Chae Seolha said, pressing her hand against her twitching throat.

“Even so, shouldn’t there be a minimum of courtesy? If you just show up like this on a weekend morning, it’s difficult for me too.”

“⋯⋯.”

“You know I’m busy these days. Is there really a need to come all the way here on a day off and yell at me about something you could have told me on another day? While hurting each other’s feelings?”

“A day off, you say.”

Yu Garyeon, who had spat out the words, walked inside and then strode towards the living room.

“No, what do you think you’re—”

“Unni.”

Yu Garyeon, who had followed her with an annoyed expression, looked at Chae Seolha with cold, sunken eyes and spoke.

“Is this what you call a day off?”

In Yu Garyeon’s hand was an ashtray filled with crushed cigarette butts.

Huh?
Did I smoke that much?

Chae Seolha, as if she couldn’t believe it herself, slowly examined the ashtray with a bewildered expression.

“If you’re going to lie, at least make it believable.”

With those words, Yu Garyeon threw open the curtains, and a brilliant flash of light, as if to gouge out her eyes, poured in from beyond the window.

Now, the deep darkness that had been cast over Chae Seolha’s room was all gone. So,

The chair, with one leg broken and tilted to the left, the television, cracked and overturned, the liquor bottles rolling around on the floor, the torn and scattered clothes, the crumpled cigarette packs stuffed in every corner of the room.

They all revealed themselves very clearly.

Then, with a creak, the window was thrown open.

The wind, blowing from beyond the blue sky, brought the musty smell of cigarettes and alcohol that had been clinging to Chae Seolha’s room, right to her nose.

It was time to wake up.

“⋯⋯.”

In truth, she wasn’t okay. Because of an unknown anxiety, her hands and feet trembled all day if she didn’t smoke, and she couldn’t sleep at night without alcohol.

Furthermore, because of the anger that was constantly boiling inside her, she felt like she would break herself if she didn’t break something every other day.

A wreck, or a discarded person. The person who knew her condition best was none other than herself.

But what could she do? It was all the result of her own karma.
So she tried to understand. No matter how painful it was, she tried to endure and accept it.

But she wasn’t Prometheus. She was just a person.
A petty and weak person who, no matter how much she tried to act indifferent, couldn’t hide the foul emotions that flowed from within.

Yu Garyeon was frustrated with such a Chae Seolha. And somehow, she was angry at herself for almost understanding that feeling.

“⋯⋯If you keep repeating those empty lies.”

Yu Garyeon strode over and wrapped her hand around Chae Seolha’s.

“Do you think everything will be resolved someday?”

The word “lie” pricked Chae Seolha’s heart. It also sounded like a reprimand, asking if she couldn’t give up even after showing such a pathetic side.

“Nothing⋯⋯.”

Chae Seolha mumbled, as if making an excuse. It was a reflexive response born of shame.

“You don’t know anything⋯⋯.”

Don’t speak so carelessly. The words she held in her heart were always the same.

Even she, with her trashy heart, had her pride. But why couldn’t anyone understand that feeling, that resolve?

Oh Minseo, whom she had met at the hospital last time, and Yu Garyeon, who was causing a scene in front of her now, why were they so quick to ignore and mock her?

Even though they knew everything.
You, who have held someone in your heart, you must know.

“You’re the one who doesn’t know anything, so don’t speak so carelessly.”

However, before those words could finish, Yu Garyeon cut her off.

“Unni.”

And then she stared at Chae Seolha with those powerful eyes.

“You probably think that if you just give up, everything will be resolved, right?”
“⋯⋯.”

Chae Seolha was bursting with resentment at the younger woman who was so smugly revealing the darkness in her heart, but she had nothing to say in return.

Because it was true.

Yu Garyeon continued, looking at the flushed Chae Seolha.

“Yes, I like him. I like him so much I could die.”

A red vein appeared in Chae Seolha’s eye. Although she had known for a long time, hearing it so confidently from her lips was a different matter.

“⋯⋯Then you must know why I’m doing this.”

“That’s right.”

Yu Garyeon leaned in close and whispered quietly.

“That’s why I’m even more pissed off.”

“What?”

“Do you know?”

“You don’t look at people’s faces when you talk to them.”

“You, you⋯⋯.”

“You judge people on your own, run away, and hide, without even knowing what kind of expression the person in front of you is making.”

Yu Garyeon said in a cold voice to the struggling Chae Seolha.

“You lie about giving up when you haven’t given up at all, and you force a smile to hide it. You try not to speak so it won’t be revealed, and in the end, you hide in a corner of your room, pretending to be a non-existent person. Do you think I’d be happy if you did that? Do you think I could live happily because the obstacle is gone?”

Yu Garyeon’s hand, which had been gripping Chae Seolha’s face, was flung away with a rough gesture. But her gaze, still, was poised to pierce through Chae Seolha’s eyes.

“Don’t look down on people.”

“Then what do you want me to do!”

“If you like him, just say you like him!”

“Then what about you!”

Chae Seolha said, squeezing out the words with ragged breaths.

“It’s because of you! It’s because of you that I’m like this!”

“Don’t blame others!”

At her younger sister’s angry voice, something she had never heard before, Chae Seolha’s eyes widened.

“Do you think if you just blame others and waste time, it’ll all be over someday? Do you think it’ll just disappear as if it never existed?”

“⋯⋯.”

“That’s all a lie. No matter how much time passes⋯⋯.”

Yu Garyeon’s sharp finger poked Chae Seolha in the center of her chest.

“It’ll remain. Here.”

At those words, which pressed down on her chest and dug into her heart, Chae Seolha couldn’t move.

“It’ll remain with me, with him, with everyone.”

I can’t go back.

Even if I put on a show of atonement now, I can’t make everything as if it never existed.

In fact, she knew. And she knew well enough that her absurd actions would hurt everyone and block their path.

In the end, the reason she rejected Yu Dojin’s confession was simply because she was scared.

Because it was obvious that they would break up even if they started dating. Because it was obvious that it would end badly because she couldn’t overcome her own foul temper. Because she would end up hurting him again.

The woman named Chae Seolha didn’t have the courage to overcome a clearly predictable hardship.

Then she at least wanted to pretend to be bold. Even though she had committed countless wicked acts, she wanted to remain in his memory as a woman who repented in the end.

“⋯⋯Then.”

But what did it matter?
She had nothing left anyway. She had never received anything.

Then she could at least concede that one small thing.

“Are you asking me to sacrifice myself for your sake?”

“What did you say?”

“Why should I get on a boat that’s clearly going to sink?”

“What is that⋯⋯!”

“You’re lucky, you are.”

Chae Seolha said, pushing Yu Garyeon’s chest.

“You’ve probably never had your heart flutter even once. You can say such carefree things because you could have had him if you wanted to⋯⋯.”

But she was different. Even if she confessed her feelings now, it was obvious that she couldn’t win against Yu Garyeon, or the other people who were loitering around him. As always.

“Be honest, you want to see me cry because I’m broken, don’t you? Because you suffered for so long because of me. Right? You know what⋯⋯.”

Chae Seolha spat out with a sneer.

“I hate bitches like you the most. I played with you a little because I felt sorry for you, and at some point, you started crawling up, and now you’re looking down on me, acting like you know everything.”

As the words continued, Chae Seolha, watching Yu Garyeon’s face grow more and more miserable, drew up even more venom from her heart.

“I have no intention of doing that, so stop your f*cking preaching and—”

“Unni.”

As soon as she saw the hand flying towards her with a single cry, Chae Seolha squeezed her eyes shut. Yes, this is it.
However, what she felt was not pain, but a warm sensation on her chest.

“We’ve come too far.”

As much as there were bad memories, there were also good memories, and as much as there was hateful venom, there was also a deeply ingrained affection that clearly existed in their hearts.

To cut through hardened cement, a corresponding amount of time and effort is needed.

“⋯⋯If you really want to end it, bring some proper evidence and convince me.”

Those words, which held a hint of loneliness, like soothing a lying child, gently caressed Chae Seolha’s venomous lips.

And soon after, a thunderous sound echoed through the room.

“⋯⋯Get out.”

Chae Seolha said to Yu Garyeon, who was looking at her, cupping her cheek, which was starting to flush red.

“I’ll come again.”

“Get out!”

“And again.”

Chae Seolha, who had chased Yu Garyeon out, collapsed in front of the door.

It was a funny thing. The world, which had been so cold and cruel when she longed to be loved, now wouldn’t even hate her when she was slapped.

Then how on earth can I be hated? What kind of thinking will allow me to deceive others?

“Ugh, uwaa⋯⋯.”

If you do wrong, you must be punished. And through that, you must continue to atone. That fact alone does not change.

But now that even that sliver of light was blocked, what should she do? How could she bear the sin she had committed?

She didn’t know.
And probably no one would tell her.

She tried to scratch away the tears that were seeping through her tightly closed eyes, but it was nearly impossible to wipe away all the sticky tears that flowed endlessly.