The One Who Speaks and the One Who Holds Back

That evening, I called Katerine Duey to the school’s garden. During the afternoon class break, when she heard my words, the lieutenant nodded slightly and smiled faintly.

“It’s about Barbie, isn’t it?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“After dinner. Let’s meet at 8 o’clock. The French take long dinners, so please understand.”

“Let’s do that. Thank you for agreeing.”

So we met at 8 o’clock in the pavilion in the school garden. The very place where I had met Chen Yayuan before she screamed. The garden was generally dark, but thanks to the street lamps set up on the distant walkway, it wasn’t so dark that we couldn’t recognize each other.

Since there was no set curfew time in the dormitory, it seemed we could talk leisurely.

“It’s a nice atmosphere. Feels like we should have a glass of cheongju.”

Duey plopped down next to me and said, looking at the lake. I chuckled.

“For a French person to mention cheongju first when talking about alcohol. Just because your body is in the East, have you become Asian?”

“Every country, every people, every history. They all have their own beautiful points. France is a great country. But it would be a waste to only think about the greatness of our republic even when coming to another beautiful country. Don’t you think?”

“It’s still Thursday, so I’d like to avoid alcohol. Maybe if it were Friday evening.”

“I understand. Zhou isn’t the type of woman to nitpick about getting drunk, but she’ll definitely give you a hard time if your body is sluggish the next day. Especially since it seems she’s planning to do volcanic terrain battle training tomorrow…”

“Will we ever have to fight in a volcano in our lives?”

“Who knows. Whether I’ll have to cross the Alps. It’s not a volcano, but the volcanic terrain training at this school feels like they’re adding lava on top of mountain combat training.”

“Crossing the Alps? Are you saying France is planning to attack Italy?”

Italy had been a country within the European bloc since becoming a victor in the last Great War. Although it’s treated as weak for not being able to properly manage even North Africa and handing Libya over to the Soviet Union, that doesn’t mean France would have a reason to raise an army and strike Italy.

“Do I seem like someone who speaks too carelessly?”

Instead of answering my question, Duey said something unexpected. I shrugged.

“I thought that a bit last time. Wanting to go to Algeria to make use of a fire ability user’s talents. It wasn’t an idea that a citizen of a developed country would have. You know what happened to the commander who fired on the local natives in Algiers.”

“Do you think I’m being hypocritical instead?”

“…Are you referring to dismissing and imprisoning the division commander who shot at protesters?”

“Grand cause, justification. Nice words. But Algeria is not mainland France under any justification. It would sound more plausible to claim Egypt as Italian territory because it was a Roman province, than for France to say Algeria is ours, don’t you think?”

“I think so too.”

“They just want the Mediterranean. The Mediterranean is a splendid sea. As long as North Africa is in our European hands, the Mediterranean is still our sea. That’s a fantastic greed. Desire, appetite, if relations between countries are like human relationships, France just wants to rape Algeria and make it carry its seed. Do you remember what I said? That with a mindset like mine, one can end up admiring even rapists. I love my country. Even while believing my country is a rapist.”

“That’s an uncomfortable story.”

“People talk about what Germany did in Belgium as the rape of Belgium…”

“…Yes, I know there was such a massacre.”

“I think it’s a strange expression. Of course, ‘rape’ isn’t a word used only in the context of forceful violation. But the word ‘rape’ is more suitable for expressing sexual desire. The desire for slaughter and sexual desire are different. Rape is an act to make someone carry seed. Maybe not consciously, but unconsciously that’s what it is. I think even sexual violence between the same sex is basically like that.”

“You speak without hesitation. Always.”

“I told you. I’m a person who talks too much. The point is this. Such a contextless massacre isn’t done to sow seeds. That desire is rather too simple. It’s just wanting to kill out of hate. But what England and France do is sowing their seeds in the world. If you’re going to call it rape, forced violation, it should be at least that much. That’s a higher-level desire. More vicious too. I wanted to be there to see it. How my beloved country would spill its lust on a delicious and pitiful woman, that’s why I said I wanted to go to Africa.”

After saying this, Duey laughed alone, making choking sounds. She hadn’t taken a sip of alcohol, but she gave off an atmosphere like a drunk person.

“I understand one thing,” I said, not hiding my uncomfortable feelings.

“Even if you had gone to Algeria, you wouldn’t have burned people to death with your ability.”

“If a rapist draws a knife, it’s to threaten, not to stab the woman’s neck to death. Unless it’s necrophilia, what fun would that be? Right. You seem to be starting to see me properly a bit?”

Seeing such a surprisingly cute-looking woman say such chilling things so casually… I’m starting to get used to it now. Seeing me keep my mouth shut, Duey nudged me and said:

“So? Are you scared of me?”

“You don’t seem to be in your right mind. I’d feel like a coward if I said I was scared, but honestly, your perspective on that desire is frightening. How scary would the world become if people lived with such a perspective?”

“You called me to talk about Barbie’s issue, right?”

“That’s right.”

“Barbie doesn’t talk much.”

I turned to Duey with a puzzled face and asked:

“When I saw her last time, she seemed to say everything she wanted to say…”

“She sets up the introduction well. Can the Soviet Union endure like this? Is the ideology of communism okay like this? And then? What does she want to do from there?”

“She must want to do something. Would there be a citizen who wouldn’t want to do anything while thinking their country is falling apart…”

“That’s right. Barbie isn’t someone who would do nothing. When I look at people, I can see their desires. Fire is like that. I can’t see what they desire. But I can see the level. I can’t see the direction, but whether the fire is big, small, or completely extinguished. I can see it all.”

“Is that also part of your superpower?”

“You could say that. In fact, one of the reasons you were interesting was that when I first met you, I couldn’t see any flames in your chest. You didn’t desire anything.”

“You’re speaking as if it’s changed now.”

“Yes.”

I flinched at Duey’s words.

“It’s changed. It’s like some fire has flared up. You’ve got something to protect, or something you want. And that, after entering this school.”

I’m saying things that even I can’t quite grasp. Duey, seeing me maintain almost no reaction, lay down completely on the pavilion, looked up at the ceiling, and continued:

“Shin Eun-young. If you’re scared of me because I talk too much, don’t think that way. I’ve lived seeing the desires of countless people, and in that process, I’ve realized one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“There are people who have a big desire in their chest but talk a lot. There are people who talk about and flaunt what they desire every day. Usually, it ends up being nothing special. They want a lot, they want to achieve it urgently, but when it doesn’t happen, they get frustrated quickly. They’re not someone to be afraid of or wary of. Like me.”

“…”

“The flame in Barbie’s chest is enormous.”

“You can see that, you say?”

“But she keeps talking about her perspective on the world without saying a word about what she wants to do. No matter how much I stick to her and ask, probe. She just smiles faintly and shrugs silently. What could it be? If Russia and China are both precarious as she says, what desire does Barbara want to fulfill in that?”

“…”

“Remember my words well. The big desire of someone who talks a lot burns themselves. But the big desire of someone who holds back their words is set to burn the world. So don’t be afraid of me, be wary of Barbie. That’s all I can tell you about Barbie.”