Chapter 57: Standard of happiness

With a flash of sensation, I came to my senses. The sticky summer air, and something soft resting on my cheek. It was unni’s hand.
Her gentle breaths, like a soft whisper, tickled my lips.

Faint tear stains remained under her eyes, but she looked peaceful for someone who had cried herself to exhaustion last night.

Come to think of it, she did say she hadn’t been sleeping well lately. The accumulated fatigue must have caught up with her all at once. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to let her sleep in.

I carefully removed her hand from my cheek and checked my phone.

5:30. It was still early to wake up. But there was no way I could fall back asleep, so I decided to leave the bedroom.

Yes, let’s go for a walk before the sun gets any brighter and clear my head of the distracting thoughts from last night.

Closing the door silently, I tiptoed out of the bedroom. A creaking sound of wheels, followed by a deep voice, reached me.

“You’re up already?”

It was Father.

“Yes, well…”

“You didn’t lose sleep because you were nervous about us, did you?”

Father rested his chin on his hand and chuckled mischievously.

“Seeing as you’re at a loss for words, unlike yesterday, I must have hit the nail on the head.”

“…My head isn’t working properly since I just woke up.”

“So you’re asking me to let it slide?”

“I would appreciate it.”

I chuckled softly and sat down on the sofa. Father, who also chuckled, turned his wheelchair to face the window.
A grey sky was visible beyond the window.

“Where is Mother?”

“She was gone when I woke up. She must have gone for a walk by herself.”

Father’s voice was a little hoarse as he answered. I made some green tea in the kitchen and handed it to him, asking.

“You’re both up early.”

“At this age, even the sleep you have disappears.”

Father, sipping his tea, looked towards the bedroom and continued.

“Speaking of which, where’s Dasom? Still sleeping?”

“Yes, it’s still dawn. She seems tired from work lately, so let’s let her sleep.”

“Hmm.”

A soft sigh escaped Father’s lips.

“I came to see my daughter being all lovey-dovey, but it looks like I’m the one who’s going to be lovey-dovey.”

“Haha.”

A dry laugh echoed softly. Soon, Father wheeled himself over, slapped my butt, and said.

“What do you say, since we’re already being lovey-dovey, how about we go on a date?”

“…Yes?”

****

“This is nice. I was getting stuffy being cooped up at home all day yesterday and today.”

Father muttered, shielding his eyes from the sunlight peeking through the clouds. His excited voice suggested he was quite pleased.

“So, is there anywhere you’d like to go?”

“You should figure that out. The man is supposed to lead in these situations.”

“If that’s the case,”

I pushed the wheelchair with a little more force.

“I happen to know a fantastic place.”

As we entered through the entrance, the sound of a cool waterfall greeted us. At the same time, a refreshing scent, a mixture of earth and water, tickled my nose.

The clear songs of birds echoed from above, and the gurgling sound of a flowing stream and the comical quacking of a flock of ducks occasionally came from below.

The moist feeling of the breeze, carrying the scent of dawn, felt wonderful. It felt as if all the worries and anxieties that had been weighing on my mind were being washed away.

“To think they built something like this in the middle of the city. Was it an artificial river?”

“Yes. It was completed not too long ago.”

“Hah.”

After that, a quiet walk continued for a while. A cluster of unnamed flowers bloomed near the riverbank.

“It’s pretty.”

Father muttered. But the smile on his face was not one of someone looking at something beautiful.

“But our daughter is prettier, isn’t she?”

It was a smile tinged with bitterness.

“So pretty that everyone she meets can’t stop talking about it.”

But for them, that must have been the best assessment. Just as I could only judge the flock of ducks in front of me by their appearance.

“It wasn’t always like that. She just ended up that way after suffering because she met the wrong father.”

The lukewarm sunlight, peeking through the clouds, created a few fine wrinkles around Father’s eyes.
The grey hairs hidden among his black hair also shone with a pale light, as if seizing the opportunity.

“So, what I mean is…”

The man in front of me seemed incredibly small for some reason.

“I’m sorry. I have a lot to apologize for.”

We crossed a river. No, we had been crossing rivers countless times since the beginning, but now we had truly crossed a river of no return.

“You look like you’re wondering why I’m suddenly bringing this up.”

Father chuckled softly. It was a misunderstanding born of anger.

“Just, everything. The fact that I, as a father, couldn’t trust my own daughter and just nagged her, the fact that I suddenly showed up using my health as an excuse, the fact that I gave you a hard time because I wasn’t satisfied…”

Suddenly, a chill ran down the back of my neck.

“Why, you didn’t know? That I disliked you?”

“…Yes.”

“Can I be honest?”

“I didn’t like you from the start. You looked like a scrawny parasite, and your words were cunning. Every time you opened your mouth, I was so dumbfounded that I just watched to see how far you would go, but there was no end.”

Father tapped my right hand with his finger.

“It might have been broken. If Dasom hadn’t stepped in.”

“…”

“But well, it’s fine.”

Father, who had glanced at my face, lifted his head and looked at the sky.

“It’s enough that you cherish her.”

“…Yes?”

“As you know,”

His tone was as if to say, even if you didn’t know, you should know now.

“She’s a child with many empty spaces. She has about five or six scars. But as a parent, I thought I could somehow fix it.”

Father’s voice was strained, as if he were making a confession, his expression slightly pained.

“It’s easy to pierce a hole, but it’s hard to fill it up.”

“That…”

I wanted to say something, even if it was a clumsy word, to at least elicit a laugh, but my mouth wouldn’t open easily.

Because I also knew. As someone who had pierced a hole, and as someone who had a hole pierced in them.

That swirling guilt without a place to go, the regret, the lingering feelings.

It’s not something that can be erased with just a few words.

As I moved my lips, Father waved his hand as if to stop me.

“Forget it, comforting someone like me won’t do any good. I didn’t bring it up for that.”

Still, as my face didn’t brighten, Father sighed and lifted one leg, saying.

“…This, I slipped and it happened.”

As I nodded with a puzzled expression at his rather out-of-context remark, Father continued with a wry smile.

“There were stairs in front of me.”

“Yes?”

“I’m saying, if I had slipped a little more, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

His voice trembled slightly.

“Building muscle is useless. Death is equal to everyone.”

“…”

“When I thought about that, I felt like I was going crazy with anxiety. I needed to be sure before it was too late.”

Father’s grip on the wheelchair tightened.

“You know, I want Dasom to be happy. I want her to meet someone she loves, get married, have kids, see her grandchildren, and live a long and happy life, taking care of each other.”

“…I think the standard of happiness is different for each individual.”

Just as Father had his own happiness, unni had her own.

“That’s right. You’re right. That’s the era we live in…”

Father said, as if whispering.

“But living beings are designed to feel happiness through love. That doesn’t change with any era.”

Happiness isn’t just made of love, but love is followed by happiness.
No, honestly, I don’t know. For someone who has never been in a proper loving relationship, hearing such things just feels embarrassing and petty.

However, one thing is certain: at the center of my unhappiness, there was always the emotion of love.

“Of course, as you said, there are exceptions, but…”

Father said, as if making a declaration.

“At least not our Dasom. She couldn’t love others because she couldn’t love herself. That’s why I tried to create an opportunity for her.”

It was a statement I couldn’t just brush off.

“Well, it’s a meaningless story now.”

Father tapped my hand, which was holding the wheelchair. It was a signal to let go.

Soon, Father turned his wheelchair and looked me straight in the eye. And then slowly, he bowed his heavy-looking head.

“So, please take good care of our Dasom from now on.”

I must not forget. What I’m doing right now, and what it means.

Because I will have to live with the emotions I felt today in a corner of my heart for the rest of my life.

So take a good look with those two eyes.

“So that she never sheds tears again… please, I’m begging you.”

What kind of expression the man in front of me is making?