Chapter 55 : inertia

There’s a thing called inertia.

It’s the property of something to maintain its current state.

It’s a concept we learn in science class, with examples like a bus stopping and people falling over. But I think inertia doesn’t just apply to physics.

For example, don’t people instinctively try to maintain the same state as yesterday?

If someone was unemployed yesterday, they tend to be unemployed today. If someone was lazy yesterday, they want to be lazy today.

This isn’t about biological homeostasis, and I don’t want to get sidetracked, so to summarize in one sentence:

-I unconsciously assumed that I was the same as before.

Maybe it’s not actually like that.

‘Am I not me?’

Right after I fell into this world, I thought that Eugene Woo, who was here before, and Eugene Ah, who is here now, were almost completely different except for their appearance.

But after playing that horror game earlier, and after hearing the stories through donations, I started to think that the idea I had taken for granted might not be true.

My memories, experiences, and the self I’ve built up until now insist that I’m the original Eugene Woo. But what if I was actually completely Eugene Ah all along?

Here’s what I mean.

Male hormones make hair grow and make people less sensitive to fear or pain.

When I had a beard on my chin, I was definitely less fearful.

Back then, I probably definitely thought with a male brain.

As a woman, I fully retained the memories of when I was a man, so I mistook myself for still thinking and acting like a man.

But with this incredibly hairless, busty, and thin-waisted feminine body, thinking with a female brain soaked in female hormones, the judgment would definitely have led to different results than when I was thinking with a male brain.

However, because I’ve always lived like this and believed that I thought like this out of habit and inertia, I ended up mistaking, “Wasn’t I originally like this?”

I just brushed off the slight sense of incongruity with a casual, “It’s because the environment has changed.”

But if you think about it calmly,

Before I became this body, I probably didn’t cry this often.

Before I became this body, I definitely wasn’t this scared.

Because the environment has changed so much, I couldn’t be sure how much I had changed and how much I hadn’t.

But one thing is clear: something has changed.

Many things that I unconsciously considered natural may not be natural anymore.

For example, the idea that I could date a woman but not a man might not be a given anymore…

Certainly, now, the thought of dating a man is disgusting.

I think it’s absurd.

But is that my ‘thought’ or my ‘memory’?

Because I judged it that way in the past, because I’ve lived with that thought until now, am I perhaps mistaken in thinking that I still think that way?

Could it be that I like women, that I could date them if I wanted to, that I could have s*x with them if I wanted to, is just a habit and inertia?

My memories and my thoughts might not match, right?

Just like I ‘remembered’ that horror games were so trivial that I couldn’t even use them as a punishment, but when I actually played one, I ‘thought’ that I couldn’t breathe and that I was going crazy because I couldn’t stand it.

I was 27 years old and a bit more, and I was sure I knew myself well.

But the me I know well is Eugene Woo, not Eugene Ah, so I might not know the current me as well as I thought.

2……

I thought of a way to check that.

This seems like a pretty bad idea.

But if I don’t say anything, the other person won’t notice at all.

This is a pretty important issue for me, and if I don’t check it right away, I’ll feel so frustrated that I might die, so I ended up asking her.

“So-eun, shall we take a bath together after a long time?”

“You’re scared to go into the bathroom alone now, unnie?”

Fortunately, there was a perfect excuse, so I decided to use it.

I acted like I was scared because of the horror game.

“……Yeah. I’m a little scared.”

“Okay, then.”

So-eun smiled as if I was cute.

‘I’ve gotten used to this kind of treatment now. And this kind of life, too.’

Come to think of it, at some point, I stopped feeling embarrassed or flustered when I saw So-eun’s underwear.

Whether she was wearing it, had taken it off, or was drying it after washing.

On the first day we bathed together, on the first day we slept in the same bed, my heart was pounding so hard that I was afraid she would find out I was a man, you know?

Even though I knew there was no way she would find out, you know?

Did I stop feeling embarrassed or flustered because I got too used to this feeling of living together?

Or did my sexual orientation and way of thinking change because my head is full of female hormones?

In front of the bathroom, So-eun innocently took off her clothes, not knowing what I was planning to do with her body.

I took off my clothes as well, thinking.

‘What if I don’t get excited at all when I see So-eun?’

Does that mean I’m now attracted to men instead of women?

What if that’s true?

I’m not sure I can handle that.

‘What if I get really excited when I see So-eun?’

What if I still like women even though I’m in this body?

What if I want to touch So-eun, lick her, and pounce on her?

‘What do you mean, what if? That would be a relief.’

It would mean that I haven’t changed much from who I was before.

That’s enough for me.

I went into the bathroom and washed my hair first.

It’s a family bathroom that’s big enough for one person to wash, but a little too small for two people to wash together.

Neither So-eun nor I are very big, so it’s not a serious inconvenience.

As I bent my head down and washed my long hair, I felt a little scared because I couldn’t see anything in my field of vision.

Because of the horror game I played earlier.

Does this mean that my excuse of being scared to wash alone isn’t an excuse anymore?

Is that a good thing?

Or is it not a good thing?

“So-eun, are you there?”

“Yeah. I’m here.”

When I wash my long hair with it hanging forward, I sometimes remember that ghost story.

The one where you’re washing your hair with your eyes closed, and your hair feels strangely thick, so you wonder, “My hair can’t be this thick, right?”

And when you open your eyes, a ghost is hanging from the ceiling, mixing its long hair with yours…

“So, So-eun.”

“Yeah, I’m here, I told you?”

“Ugh, right?”

The person who made up that ghost story must have died under divine punishment.

Making billions of long-haired women tremble every time they wash their hair.

“If you’re that scared, should I sing you a song?”

So-eun thought for a moment, choosing a song, and then started singing a strange anime song.

It was so out of place that I laughed a little, and my fear subsided considerably.

After I finished washing my hair, I shook out the water, squeezed it lightly, and wrapped it in a towel on top of my head.

So-eun, on the other hand, had already washed her body and was now putting shampoo on her hair, as if she was going to wash it last.

‘Hmm.’

I stared at So-eun’s chest.

It was an obvious choice because, even though we’re both women, it wouldn’t be right to openly stare at her lower body, right?

So-eun’s figure is certainly extraordinary.

Her body, trained through long hours of exercise, is perfectly smooth without any unnecessary fat, and her precious breasts, which are never exposed to sunlight, are so pure white that they seem almost sacred.

They are a bit lacking in volume, but not to the point of denying her femininity.

The gently protruding breasts feel like they would be soft and squishy to the touch, and I could vaguely imagine what they would feel like.

“Uh, unnie? Why are you looking at me like that?”

I was staring at them so intently that even So-eun, who has no qualms about showing her naked body to another woman, seemed to feel burdened.

“……”

If I were Eugene Woo, putting aside the fact that So-eun would want to beat me to death or report me, if I were really Eugene Woo, wouldn’t I be so turned on in this situation that I couldn’t stand it, with blood rushing through my body, my heart pounding, and my member standing at attention?

Then what about now?

“Are you trying to play a weird prank on me? Like those viewers, saying, ‘Goo goo! Give me milk! Mommy!’”

So-eun sensed some kind of threat and took a defensive posture, covering her chest with her hands.

The way she squinted her eyes seemed to threaten me, as if to say she would punish me if I did such a thing.

“I wasn’t planning on playing that kind of prank.”

“Liar, then why were you staring at me like that?”

“Because you’re pretty?”

“Don’t say weird things?!”

“No, I really thought you were pretty.”

“Even between women, it’s rude to stare so openly, unnie.”

So-eun scolded me, but she didn’t seem to be seriously offended.

She seemed a little embarrassed, perhaps?

“Sorry.”

Maybe it’s because I was looking at her with lustful eyes and thinking lustful thoughts?

So-eun’s chest is so arousing, you know?

My heart is pitter-pattering right now.

To summarize in one word, “possible.”

Do I still like women after all?

I can’t be sure.

I really don’t know.

I think I’d know better if I touched them or licked them.

I can’t ask her to do that, can I?

It wouldn’t be common sense, right?

‘Ugh! I don’t know!’

What’s the point of knowing my sexual orientation?

I’ve already been single for 27 years, so I might as well just stay single.

Life is meant to be lived alone!

I decided to postpone the conclusion like that.