Chapter 54: I am better

You should have never been born into this world.

It was one of the things I heard the most in my previous life.

And it was only when those words were spoken that my former mother’s eyes held any sincerity.

At first, I cried endlessly, clinging to her. Hearing such words from the person I loved and depended on more than anyone else in the world was an unbearable wound for me.

But in the end, starved for affection as I was, I could only force a smile and return to her arms. If she abandoned me, there would be no one left by my side.

[I’m really sick and tired of you.]

Each time, she would look down at me with endlessly tired eyes. Contempt, disgust, anger—all the emotions in her gaze stabbed at my heart like a dagger.

She called me hideous. A monster, crazed for affection, incapable of doing anything on my own. But honestly, I couldn’t help but feel a bit unjustly treated.

It wasn’t as if I wanted much. Just a warm hug… even just holding hands would be enough… If that was too much, a kind smile would suffice…

But the only expressions of affection I received from her were violence and abuse disguised as love.

Like a resilient cockroach that kept coming back no matter how many times it was killed, my arms and legs were always covered in new bruises. In fact, thinking of it as a form of affection from my mother made it a little less painful.

Being alone was a far greater agony for me.

My room was a narrow, dark space without a single window, but it was fine because I had a mirror.

I sat demurely and looked into the mirror. Inside was a child with a pretty face, one that resembled my mother’s very much.

When I smiled at the mirror, the child who looked just like my mother smiled back at me. It warmed my heart, as if my mother was smiling kindly at me.

I reached out my hand toward the mirror, and the child inside the mirror reached out to hold my hand.

At this moment, with our hands touching, the unbearable loneliness faded away.

I’m tired of you.

Viviana said that to me.

After hearing those words, my mind went completely blank, and I couldn’t think straight. My head was too busy trying to figure out why Viviana had grown tired of me.

“Instead, can I touch your chest?”

There was no time to wonder why Viviana, who wasn’t a psycho lesbian like Mardian, would want to touch my chest.

Would she look at me more affectionately if I let her touch my chest? But what if she got tired of me again? What then?

No, I don’t want that.

Even though I had given my entire body, I didn’t think I could bear it if Viviana looked down at me with those tired eyes after tasting every inch of me.

“C-can we not… touch my chest?”

I said, struggling to smile.

‘…Really?’

The faint interest in Viviana’s eyes faded in an instant. Her violet eyes were now filled only with boredom.

Just yesterday, she had been so affectionate, but now she had suddenly changed like this. I resented her for it. But still, I couldn’t bring myself to complain. According to the contract, I was in the subordinate position, and Viviana was in the dominant one.

“Th-then how about a walk together…? Or maybe we could have some tea…?”

“I’m not the type to enjoy such boring things.”

I was afraid of meeting her indifferent eyes, so I couldn’t look at Viviana any longer and lowered my head.

“Is that… so…”

Silence continued for quite some time after that. I thought I heard a sound like teeth grinding in between, but I wondered if it was just a delusion created by my anxiety.

“Really, is the chest not allowed?”

Viviana spoke again with a faint smile.

“…The chest is not—”

“In exchange, I’ll send you two drawings this time.”

I would have been happy under normal circumstances. Maybe I would have let Viviana touch my chest in exchange for the two drawings as a reward. But for some reason, her suggestion made me feel even more depressed.

The way Viviana spoke…

It felt like… she was treating me like a prostitute.

I would never have thought of doing it normally. But hearing Viviana’s cold voice and seeing her eyes that had quickly cooled down made me feel like a prostitute, laughing and selling my body for money, as if a part of me was calling to me.

“…I’m sorry.”

“…Alright.”

Viviana rose to her feet with a short sigh, looking down at me with indifferent eyes before opening her mouth again.

“But Tina, I paid off all your family’s debts and promised the support of our duchy, which all the nobles desire. I would appreciate it if you could give me something in return.”

“That… is…”

“Rest well, I’ll come back tomorrow.”

Without hesitation, she turned and left the room. I couldn’t lift my head even as her footsteps faded away.

As silence enveloped the room and quiet solitude began to wrap around me, I lifted my head and looked at the mirror.

Eyes like those of a decaying fish with the light gone. Those eyes that my mother in a past life had despised. I hated those eyes so much.

At times like this, my childhood friend would always comfort me. I had no regrets about my previous life, but the fact that I could no longer see her made my heart ache.

I crawled to the mirror on all fours. I reached out and caressed the mirror. A small, pale hand, just like mine, met my hand from inside the mirror.

The loneliness eased a little, and I felt somewhat better.

This time, I got up and approached the bed, flopping down onto it. I opened the book beside me and carefully examined each picture inside it.

One man in the picture was shedding tears of blood and crying out in pain. Seeing him like that made my misery feel lessened, and I felt slightly better.

Yes, I’m fine.

There’s someone here in much more pain than I am, right? This person has torn feet, torn hands, and even a head half-pierced, but I’m fine.

So, I’m okay.

How many people in the world are more unfortunate than I am? Compared to such pitiful people, I’m actually quite fortunate. So there’s no need to feel bad, right?

I knew it was vile to find solace in others’ misfortune, but I also knew that was the kind of person I had always been.

Whenever I felt lonely, I would stare into the mirror, and whenever I felt depressed, I would gaze at the pictures in books.

At last, perhaps the reward for my efforts had arrived. Gradually, peace began to find its way into my once turbulent heart.

Just as I was trying to force a smile by pulling my lips up with my fingers, my tightly shut door suddenly swung open.

For a moment, I thought Viviana had returned, but it was none other than Iris who appeared.

“…Iris?”

Usually, one would enter only after ringing the bell, but Iris opened my door and came in without me calling for her.

“Is something the matter?”

A cold silence was her only reply.

Why did she come if she wasn’t going to say anything?

Still, having someone in the room, even just one person, felt less lonely than being completely alone.

Though my heart felt slightly weary, I cast a faint smile and looked at Iris.

“Do you know, Iris? Actually, today…”

“Did I tell you not to cross the line before?”

A calm, gentle voice, neither high nor low, matched Iris’s cold demeanor perfectly. Her frosty words made my eyes widen.

Did Iris just say that? I couldn’t believe it for a moment.

For someone who had remained silent since our first meeting to suddenly speak so abruptly? I almost wondered if I was hearing things, but Iris’s gaze, fixed on me, seemed different than usual.

But… what did she just say…?

“What did you say…?”

“I thought I warned you, but it seems you were utterly clueless.”

Her blunt, disdainful tone left me feeling bewildered.

Even if she were the daughter of a fallen noble house, I was still a noble in my own right. For her to speak to me that way meant Iris was a noble too.

“Iris… What is this sudden behavior?”

“Hmm… You’re quite cute, and also rather irritating.”

With a smirk like a sneer, Iris approached me. Instinctively, I stepped back, sensing the unsettling aura emanating from her.

Before I knew it, Iris had closed the distance and grabbed my wrist, pushing me down onto the bed.

I tried to push her away, but she didn’t budge an inch.

It was astonishing that there could be such a disparity in strength between us, even though we were both women.

“…Why are you doing this all of a sudden?”

In response to my question, Iris stared at me with calm eyes.

Her voice, sharper than a blade, pierced my heart.

“I hope you realize that I, who am far more capable, fit the Merdellia family much better than a woman like you, who would be cast aside after being bored of.”

Her abrupt, piercing words made my heart sink deeply once again.