Struggling (5)

I realized that I had started to break down at some point.

So.

From when our skinship became natural, to the point where stroking hair and shoulders touching became comfortable.

From that rainy day, when I clung to her in the house with all my flaws exposed. When I let out terribly rude groans like a child throwing a tantrum.

And in that daily life where she began to pour unconnected kindness on me, when I foolishly gasped at her love and betrayed myself.

But I didn’t stop myself from becoming lazy. I wanted to, but I didn’t.

Because it had been hard until now. Because my only wish was to simply spend time with someone.

This much should be okay. This much is compensation for me.

I shouldn’t have done that.

It was a toxin I had to endure to meet a brilliant end. I shouldn’t have relied only on the visible shell.

I was neglecting my duty, reassured by the occasional gestures of wariness towards me, expressions that pushed me away and wouldn’t meet my eyes.

I was reassured that even the end of our relationship wasn’t twisted.

Right?

She’s an Association hunter, and I’m a wanted Awakened One.

She’s a good person and I’m one dwelling in the mental basement.

Mixed.

I felt nauseous looking at the snow-white eyes gazing at me.

I grasped the dropped knife and rubbed my face with one hand.

I was just too complacent.

Maybe I should have treated myself more harshly.

It was thrilling.

I acted ordinary because I loved that daily life with her so much.

I felt ecstasy while vomiting at the cozy warmth and gentle gaze.

I should have realized. That I’m still immature.

“…….”

But what can I do?

What should I have done?

Does it make sense?

I’m trash. The number one wanted Awakened One who led a mass slaughter.

With orders to shoot to kill immediately upon discovery.

The one in charge of me was Erica.

It was you.

I stabbed your heart more than five times, and tore your limbs apart more than ten times.

It’s natural for you to hate me.

Even if I treated you kindly, you should have always been wary of me.

You were wary. You had been.

I had felt your gaze examining me amidst countless emotions surpassing you.

Erica had always done her duty. Only I was wrong.

Why. Why is it me again?

I too, I too just wanted to feel something called emotion.

I just wanted normalcy.

As a single person, I wanted to go for walks, drink coffee, spend cozy time with someone.

Where did it go wrong?

I don’t know.

Everywhere was noisy, but the surroundings enclosing her and me were extremely quiet.

“Bl-blood is flowing a lot…..”

The beautiful voice slashed my lungs countless times.

It was fierce but gentle.

Nausea rose again at the twisted emotions.

Blood poured out and waves surged from my mouth.

“O-Orli!”

“…..Don’t come.”

I saw her shaking pupils. I pointed to the side with my knife.

“Can’t you see those people? The ones fighting disgustingly, biting and tearing at each other with the necros?”

Trying not to betray the last lifeline, I looked to the side. Maybe because they’re Alliance hunters, they seem to be winning despite being outnumbered.

Should I have raised the joy stat a bit more?

“Hm? Shouldn’t you, shouldn’t you go help?”

You can’t do anything right.

Let’s try to make an effort even now.

As I was about to infuse the knife with magic power and swing it.

This rotten body, addicted to snow-white eyes, didn’t miss her lips moving.

“…..I’m not sure.”

I stopped my arm. My body stopped and the surrounding currents subsided.

“I should help, that’s right as an Association member, but.”

Her voice was so alluring. My gaze is drawn in. To her lips, her eyes.

“You’re hurt too.”

“It doesn’t, doesn’t hurt at all.”

“You’re lying.”

I felt something boiling at the excessive kindness. My reason wavered at the elevated emotions.

It’s beautiful.

But it’s ugly.

I twisted my arm and gripped the knife diagonally.

Then I’ll just make an effort. Let’s go back to the past, at least for this situation now.

I flapped my wings and kicked off the ground. As I swung the knife, the blade drew a curve. A snow-white sword was raised. Our gazes met. Sparks flew where the blade and sword met.

“Don’t resist. You have no choice.”

I felt relieved seeing her eyes that had begun to glow somehow.

Even if something is twisted, the essence hasn’t blurred. Despite my forced attack, she raised her sword.

Another sword strike rippled. A huge blade struck directly from the sky. I bent my knees and leaped, and the floor where I had just been was pierced by the sword, creating a huge hole.

I smiled slightly watching the smoke-filled situation. In the end, this is all we can do.

In a flash, I looked around. I saw the necro army rapidly decreasing. The hunters were catching their breath.

Contrary to expectations, it’s being suppressed quickly. Is this because they’re the Alliance?

I held the knife to my chest. Gauging the position, I cut straight down. Pain enveloped my body and a huge diagonal scar was engraved.

Drops of blood filled the air. When I clenched my fist, they gathered into a single red flower. Magic power seeped in. The petals distorted and transformed into thorns.

A blood-red wave surged. A sea of thorns spread widely. A cold wind blew and chills poured down. Screams echoed through the space and stimulated brains.

“G-good.”

My breath is rough. But it’s perfect.

There are no deviations from the plan.

When I clenched my hand, a huge scythe flowed into it. Flapping my wings, I mixed into the crowd. I swung the scythe. A blood-red curve sliced through the air and the smell of flesh stimulated my nose.

Blocking the pouring bullets with my wings, I grasped the scythe with one hand. I held my breath and stretched out my arm. The scythe struck the ground and charged. Screams grew louder once more at the rotating blade.

I smiled seeing the flashing letters engraved on the blade. This should have collected a lot of blood too.

Let’s think positively.

Clutching my chest overflowing with blood, I landed on the ground.

Where is Erica?

It’s been a few minutes since I lost her in the thick smoke.

Turning my gaze, I saw the last skeleton soldier shattering. Erica caught her breath.

On the other side was the golem that had become a pile of stones.

Turning my head, I saw hunters collapsed and coughing blood in one corner.

The situation is good. It’s the scene I wanted. If it just continues like this, it’s perfect.

It wouldn’t be good to have too many hostages either.

I grabbed the arm of the general assembly representative who was coughing blood while collapsed and dragged him.

I sat him down in the center of the now-quiet interior and put a red ring around his neck. It was stiff, so it was surprisingly hard to grab.

I heard footsteps. I raised my gaze.

I met snow-white eyes.

“Good job.”

“…..Orli.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear what you just said.”

It doesn’t make sense for you to worry about me.

Yeah. It doesn’t make sense.

Bewilderment set in at the expression in her gaze.

Of course. This is an extremely dangerous situation.

“It’s better to be sparing with words. This person’s neck might fly off with one word from you.”

To be precise, it would be more accurate to say it would be torn to shreds.

“I’ll give you a choice.”

She said nothing. It wasn’t particularly important. Rather, it could be considered normal.

It’s better if she feels my words aren’t even worth answering.

I grabbed the representative’s hair and pulled it up.

“Either sacrifice this person and save those people.”

Even as I spoke, Erica’s gaze was on me. The color of her pupils wasn’t visible. Is she that shocked?

“Or you defeat me…..”

“Y-your wound.”

A moment of silence came. I blinked.

“Huh?”

“Your chest….. the wound is severe.”

Snow-white eyes turned to me. Our gazes met.

Fear enveloped my body. My heart beat violently.

“Ah, ah. This person? Of course, earlier…..”

“You.”

A disgusting silence came again. Cold sweat flowed.

Clean eyes looked straight at me.

“No. It’s not. No.”

My vision turned red for a moment.

What should I do?

What do you mean what?

It’s not.

Let’s try to explain with words.

“C-can’t you see this person? He’s in so much pain!”

I don’t think I’ve ever been this desperate. My words trembled extremely, but I think the meaning was conveyed.

“…..You too, must be in a lot of pain.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A dejected laugh escaped. I hurriedly lowered my gaze. Maybe this person doesn’t look in pain because he’s not hurt that much?

That wasn’t the case. His skin was split and his abdomen was ruptured countless times. His right arm was so tattered it didn’t even look attached.

Only his breath, was being exhaled rapidly.

“Wake up, Erica. I’m holding a hostage right now. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t listen to me.”

It was a plea. I desperately wanted her to return to her original self.

The snow-white eyes remained the same. My stinging chest was still exposed to her sight.

I involuntarily shuddered at Erica’s expression. Because it was infinitely gentle.

I hurriedly put the knife to the representative’s neck.

It was a meaningless action.

“We need to treat your chest first. The symptoms of poisoning are serious.”

“Erica!”

This doesn’t make sense. Right? Surely.

What did I do wrong?

I don’t know.

Should I have endured? Should I have not let my sickly body be discovered? Should I not have treated you kindly?

But I can’t do that. You’re the person I like. The person I love.

I want to treat you well. I want to help you.

A beautiful world. The brilliant world I wished for.

You, faded, must smile at the end. You must win.

I wanted to see you exhale your final breath while holding the flag high. I hoped you would feel a sense of achievement, reminiscing about your tired past and finally accomplishing it.

Just.

I just wanted to see you smile.

I realized my breathing had become rough. I moved my lips. I had to say something.

Everywhere was quiet. It was strangely calm.

“Then, then I have no choice. I’ll have to kill this person. I have no choice. Right? Hm?”

I raised the knife. I infused it with magic power and squeezed my eyes shut.

My vision turned white.

Blood poured from my mouth.

A distant pain enveloped my body.

I lowered my gaze.

Countless daggers were stuck in my abdomen.

“Phew.”

Again, I raised my gaze.

Erica brushed up her hair.

“That was close.”

I looked around. Hunters in uniforms were pointing their guns at me from all directions.

“I’m glad. Thank you for coming in time.”

“We’re sorry for being late.”

“It’s okay. Everyone survived.”

Erica smiled slightly. Blood soaked the floor.

Ah.

I see.

That’s a relief.

I’m really glad.

To the point where I’d be okay dying right here.

“You beat me.”

“You held out until reinforcements arrived. Amazing. I’ll praise you!”

Dejection and relief enveloped my body.

I smiled slightly and stood up. My limbs were stiff and didn’t move well.

I barely raised both arms.

“I surrender.”

Erica nodded to the hunters with a glance. The hunters put down their guns and hurriedly took out medical kits and spread out everywhere.

“I believed in you. I knew you had something up your sleeve! You still hated me!”

Silence flowed.

“……Yes.”

At the delayed answer, I suddenly felt my head idling.

I tore at my hair. Pain drew my attention.

“…..Don’t do that.”

Erica moved her steps. The current subsided. Wind blew and a warm touch brushed my chest.

“…..I’ll treat you.”

“It’s, it’s okay…..”

“Be quiet.”

Gentleness came. Suddenly, the urge to give up everything boiled up.

“I’m just humoring you.”

“Yeah. That’s right. I see!”

I stopped thinking.