Chapter 50: The Second Piece (9)

[50] 7. The Second Piece (9)

Love is additive.

It is a truth we come to realize only later.

Even the dullest of emotions become vibrant and colorful. Reason and rationality are rendered meaningless. It distorts our sense of reality and shakes us to our core.

It makes the air sweeter,

The moonlight seems to flow through our fingers like silk,

And blue butterflies flutter in our chests.

It turns broken rationality into a beautiful fantasy.

It really was nothing special.

First, he took me to a restaurant. It wasn’t even a fancy place, but simply a restaurant near the academy known for its good food.

There, we ate until we were full while having conversations about magic. There was no romantic atmosphere or suggestive flirting.

And then, when the meal was over, we just walked. We had pointless conversations as street lights started to flicker on one by one. We shared laughter that wouldn’t even be remembered by tomorrow.

We’d done this before.

It was just that the backdrop had changed, from the magic tower to the streets at night.

But then why couldn’t I stop smiling?

Why couldn’t I slow the frantic beat of my heart?

And why did I wish this moment could last forever?

This rush of emotions made my head spin.

‘Lovesickness’ isn’t just a figure of speech, but an actual symptom of a real disease, I thought, as I walked alongside him.

“And then, Shady said, ‘I don’t need anyone else but him!’” (TL Note: I’m guessing this references to something, but I couldn’t find it.

Then as we were walking along the street…

A sight stopped Rem in his tracks.

A man, wearing an odd, showy outfit, was standing there with a crowd of people, reading from a book in a loud voice. His flamboyant gestures were exaggerated by the magical lights.

He was a storyteller. They read stories aloud for illiterate commoners. Not an unusual sight in the city.

I looked at Rem, who had stopped, and asked,

“What is it? Do you know him?”

“No, I just know the story.”

“You know it? What’s the title?”

“The Garden of Lilies.”

In that instant, my heart, which had been warm and fluttery, turned to ice.

“The book I found for you?”

“Yeah.”

That tattered, old book, Rem had been cherishing so much. The one with a handwritten message that said, ‘L hereby vows to dedicate his everything to C’.

A heavy feeling started to constrict my chest.

“Who’s C?”

I was taken aback by how easily the question escaped from my lips.

Maybe it was because I was feeling too excited. Or maybe it was because the question I had suppressed for so long had finally exploded.

Whatever the reason, I had lost all self-control. I lowered my head in embarrassment and then thought that this was a blessing in disguise.

He’s someone who never talked about his past.

So, naturally, I had assumed he would simply ignore me.

“Someone I loved.”

That’s why I couldn’t help but stare at him with surprised eyes when he answered.

He seemed just as surprised by his own words as I was. But after a moment, his face is filled with anguish.

After a long hesitation, and what came at its end was a bitter smile.

“Let’s go somewhere else, shall we?”

***

Rem took me to a small hill with a railing. Though not as grand as the balconies of the magic tower, we could see the cityscape.

Though it was a beautiful place, my heart was heavy.

His answer: “Someone I loved” was hanging heavy around my neck like a rope.

Leaning against the railing, Rem looked down at the city below. The city, illuminated with the lights of red magical lamps, looked like another night sky.

His voice, as if it wasn’t from his throat, but from the scenery before us, quietly spoke,

“She had beautiful eyes.”

I immediately knew he was talking about ‘C’. I leaned back against the railing and let the coolness from the railing seep into my heart.

“I liked her from the moment I first saw her. It was hard not to… But…”

The distant city lights outlined his face. A painful smile appeared.

“It didn’t work out.”

The scar on his smile deepened.

“Well, it was never going to work out from the beginning.”

He wasn’t wearing the ‘masterpiece’, so he should be blind right now. But even so, he seemed to be staring at something far away. I just had that feeling.

“I tried to forget about her. Sour grapes, you know?”

(TL Note: He’s quoting a fable. ‘The Fox and the Grapes’ in short: This Fox couldn’t reach grapes in the tree. He gets tired and leaves, saying they must be sour anyway. It basically means if someone can’t get something they want, they try to convince themselves it must not have been very good in the first place.)

Finally, he turned to look at me. He was smiling, but his eyes were downcast.

“But I couldn’t.”

At that moment, an unwelcome realization came. A cursed realization.

A filled water bucket cannot hold anything new.

And it’s the same with human hearts.

Rem spoke, in that same kind and gentle voice,

“So, I’m sorry. I can’t accept your feelings.”

Love is additive,

That was a truth I never wanted to know.

Before it, even the smallest scratches turn into unbearable pain. The rising sobs burn in your throat and make the world blur. What remains after reason melts away is pure emotion.

A single sentence crushes your heart.

“Since when did you know?”

That I liked you. Afraid that tears would follow, I swallowed the words. Rem lowered his gaze.

“I’ve had a hunch for a while, but I knew for sure… this morning. When I saw what you were wearing.”

God damn it, Marianne. I told her it was too much.

A tear streamed down my cheek. Wiping it away with my sleeve and snapped.

“So, that’s why you asked me out here? So you could try and let me down easily?”

“…I wanted to end things on good terms.”

“You bastard.”

Rem flinched, his shoulder slumped. Rubbing his neck, he said, his voice lacking his usual confidence,

“It’s not like I dislike you or anything. In fact, the reason why I stayed at the Magic Tower was…”

Rem shook his head.

“No, it’s better if I don’t say it.”

Then he smiled sadly and pulled out the ‘masterpiece’ from his pocket with telekinesis.

“I’ll give this back to you.”

But I slapped it away. The fruits of five months of effort were now rolling on the ground. Glaring at him, I spat out the words.

“Take it and get the fuck out of here.”

For the first time. A hurt expression, spread across his face.

But that only made me feel worse, and then, when I saw him sadly picking up the ‘masterpiece’ that had fallen, that feeling turned into despair.

“… I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I never planned to play with your feelings. It’s just that, I also…”

He trailed off, his face crumpled. Avoiding my gaze, he mumbled, more to himself than to me.

“I’m sorry.”

And then, he turned away, walking away from me with a firm stride.

It was then that I collapsed to the ground. Burying my face in my hands, I burst into tears.

I hated everything.

I hated being rejected even though I hadn’t even confessed my feelings.

I hated being rejected in such a vague way.

I hated the reason he rejected me.

I was sick and tired of this stupid hill, the cold winter wind, the uselessly clear night sky, everything in this world.

But the thing I hated most of all was a single truth.

I… still liked him.

Despite being treated like this, I wanted him to come back to me, tell me that it was a joke, and hold me in his arms.

I couldn’t just move on.

Love is additive,

It is an unstoppable phenomenon.

In the end, reason and rationality crumble before it. The reasons why I liked him, why I wanted to do those things, melt into thin air as if they never existed. What remains is a single impulse.

A very stupid, yet irresistible impulse.

I stood up and ran toward him. Then, with all my might, I slammed my shoulder into his back.

“…!!”

Rem, caught off guard, stumbled and fell. He barely managed to regain his balance, using telekinesis. He glared at me, annoyed.

“Hey, what the hell was that for…”

“You said it yourself, that there’s no chance she’ll ever be with you!”

Again, tears streamed down my face, blocking my vision. But I wiped them away frantically, struggling to keep my glare fixed on him.

“And yet, because of her, you’re going to reject someone who likes you? And a girl as pretty as *me* at that?!”

Rem’s jaw dropped. I continued shouting.

“Are you stupid? Do you really not have a brain? You can’t even do simple calculations?”

“That’s not…”

“It’s only rational for you to choose me!”

My last words were almost a scream.

With heaving shoulders, I glared at Rem’s dumbfounded face.

“So, just… like me back, okay?”

My voice cracked at the end. My hands started to tremble, but I forced myself to continue.

“I’ll always be by your side.”

My eyes sting, so I just let the tears flow down my cheeks.

“I know I’m not as pretty as she is. Maybe she even has a better personality. Maybe she’s even more talented or capable than me.”

To begin with, even my mother doesn’t love me. There’s no way I could say I’ll make you forget her. I couldn’t even promise to make you fall in love with me.

“But she’s not here, Rem. And there’s no chance she’ll ever be. But *I’m* different. I’ll always be by your side. I’ll always be within your reach.”

But at least I could promise him this one thing.

“I’ll love you way more than she ever could.”

A sob rose in my throat, and, forcing it down, I continued speaking,

“…So, just like me back.”

And that was the limit of my impulse.

I hung my head and silently let the tears drop.

I knew human hearts didn’t work that way. Just being close to someone doesn’t make their feelings flow towards you. It was one of those harsh truths I learned from my mother.

This was all a desperate, pathetic plea.

A plea destined to be rejected.

But I couldn’t help myself.

Because I liked him.

Because my feelings were overflowing.

But the fantasy of receiving as much affection as I give you is just that – a fantasy.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I waited for him to reject me.

But

What came to me wasn’t words, but warmth.

My chin being tilted upward.

Then, I saw black hair entering my vision.

The clear stars of the winter night.

Snow-white skin.

“…!”

And then, a soft touch landing on my lips.

The touch didn’t last long.

Not long after, Rem’s flushed face comes into view.

Bewilderment filled his features, as if it had been an impulsive act.

“I… I mean… This, uh, you…”

And for me, impulsiveness was enough.

“What’s done is done.”

“What? W-Wait, that’s… Waaaah!”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed him down with all my might. Then, I boldly lowered my head towards his face.

It was a moment we would never forget.

With the winter starlight raining down on us.

***

“And… then… uh… Yes, we started dating…? Not for long though, but… Parsley? Parsley!”

Rem’s shout barely brought my consciousness back to reality. But I still couldn’t maintain my sanity.

Well, because the words that came out of his mouth were utterly unbelievable.

Rem prepared my birthday party with Marianne?

I designed his prosthetic eyes?

And most of all…

“I… I was… dating you…?”

Rem’s face burned red, and, scratching his cheek, he avoided my gaze.

“Well… Both you and I were at an age where we were interested in such things… you know… But it didn’t last long… Parsley? Parsley!”

I turned and ran away. He kept calling my name, but I pretended not to hear. It was because my mind had gone completely blank.

*Me, dating Rem?*

*But the me in my memory had only ever made his life a living hell?!*

*Me? How?*

“Sigh…”

No, get a grip.

Rem’s memories, and mine, had been altered. My memories of me tormenting him, Rem’s memories of dating me. It could all be a lie.

The only true memories…

…Are those sealed inside my head.

But fortunately, I’d already found the keyword for the second seal.

Calming myself down, I dove deeper inside myself.

I saw the magic circle in my mind. One of its three rings was shattered, forming an incomplete shape.

Focusing on it, I spoke the second keyword,

“Winter Garden.”

*Crackle-*

A crack appeared, and the second seal crumbled. Sealed memories spilled out, pushing aside the false ones.

The memory of having celebrated my birthday with my mother,

replaced by that of celebrating my birthday with Rem and Marianne.

The memories of tormenting him out of jealousy,

replaced by the memories of designing the ‘masterpiece’ for Rem.

The memory of falling for him when I saw him fighting cultists to protect me,

replaced by the memory of kissing Rem under the winter starlight.

“…!!”

Heat rushed to my face as if I had swallowed poison. Clutching my face, I sank to the floor.

It was because I couldn’t bear the shame. And also because I couldn’t handle the happiness.

I had actually been Rem’s lover…

It was a relationship I thought was possible only in my imagination. After Rem became a test subject, guilt prevented me from even daring to imagine it.

But just look…

At those vivid, brilliant memories that were resurfacing.

The Winter Garden where we had walked, arm in arm,

The Magic Performance Troupe we watched with bated breath,

The Sky Garden where we’d talked about magic,

And the Aquarium we’d gone to while wearing silly headbands.

These were memories engraved on my soul, unjustly erased. They were the starlight that warmed my heart just by touching them.

And they were proof of hope.

How could I have betrayed him after all that? How could I have given a false testimony even though I knew that Rem would become a lab rat?

But maybe, just maybe…

I looked up at the night sky.

The winter stars, the same stars that had once blessed us, were still there, looking down.

Is it my wishful thinking that makes their gaze seem so meaningful?

I pushed away the complicated thoughts and stood up.

One way or another, tomorrow would be the night.

The night where, through Rem’s story, I will regain all my memories. The weight of my sins and those of my mother would be measured, and their price would be set.

And then I would decide.

To burn myself alive, to chase after my ‘salvation’,

Or to step into the future.

The end of regret was approaching.