Chapter 50 : I’m sorry

It’s too sweet.

It’s making things difficult.

You’re looking only at me right now.

Whenever my sake glass was empty, Health Boy would, like a company employee trying to read his boss’s mood, refill it.

It was a course meal where you just eat what’s in front of you, but he kept fidgeting, constantly wanting to do something for me.

When the main dish, sukiyaki, was served, he insisted on setting it up himself, not letting me lift a finger.

The way he filled my plate first looked like a puppy wagging its tail, unable to contain its excitement in front of its owner.

What am I thinking? He’s a human who’s built like a dire wolf, not a puppy.

For reference, dire wolves went extinct a very long time ago and can now only be found in games or fantasy novels.

As if to keep Health Boy in check, So-eun was sticking to me much more closely than usual.

And Yoobin, who had been drinking, said it was unfair that only So-eun was sticking to me and clung to my other side, subtly groping my body.

Seriously, what’s with this pervert?

It’s mostly a good time.

It’s a celebration of how much money I’ve made.

Although I didn’t say it out loud, it’s also a celebration of paying off the mountain of debt that I thought I’d never be able to pay off.

The food is delicious, and the alcohol is sweet and goes down easily.

It’s also a time to express my gratitude to Health Boy and Heechan, who have treated me well and helped me a lot.

But if you keep acting like this, it’ll turn into a funeral, not a celebration.

Literally.

“Health Boy, can you come with me to get some air?”

It would be best to talk to him separately after the party is over.

Maybe it would be much cleaner to do it over the phone or through text.

But I decided to call Health Boy out and end it here.

Is this my selfishness? Is it the manifestation of my desire to be uncomfortable for even a little less time?

Or is it just that the alcohol is so sweet, too sweet, that I’m really drunk?

“Huh? Y-yes! Of course.”

What is ‘of course’? Do you even know what you’re about to face?

Seeing Health Boy jump up in such a fluster made me want to smile.

I hope you don’t mistake that for a smile sent out of affection.

I hope you don’t have any vain expectations.

Because it’ll hurt a lot more later if you do.

I told the restaurant staff that we were going out for some air, and with Health Boy trailing behind me, I went to the emergency stairwell.

Just in case, in case, in case someone followed us, I went up two floors.

Even this small movement counts as exercise, making my body pump blood faster, and the alcohol hit me harder, making me even more drunk.

I used the alcohol as an excuse and said.

“Jinu. Do you like me?”

As if realizing that the moment had come, Health Boy clenched his fist, preparing himself for something.

But before he could open his mouth, I started the conversation on my own terms and ended it just as arbitrarily.

“Don’t like me. It’ll only make things harder for you if you do.”

Maybe I gave him too much leeway.

It was obvious that he was interested in me, the way he offered to help with everything and told me to ask him anything.

But that doesn’t necessarily require romantic interest, does it? It’s not like a senior can’t help a junior, or a friend a friend.

Those actions themselves don’t contain love.

If it were between men, you’d just think they’re close or that one is kind.

But I’m a woman now, so maybe I shouldn’t have accepted that kind of favor and given him hope.

Isn’t that a bit harsh? No, was I the harsh one? Did I confuse him? Did I do something wrong? Is friendship between a man and a woman impossible?

……I just lied. I said I was using the courage of alcohol, but that’s a lie.

I’m the kind of person who can tear someone’s heart apart without batting an eye, even when sober.

I’m not good at being tactful and drawing lines.

This is the only thing I can do, hit them with a straight ball.

A clumsy and incompetent human. That’s me.

Health Boy is a good person in many ways.

He has a good body, makes good money, isn’t ill-tempered, is good at games, is handsome, and has a nice voice.

He’s full of appealing qualities. If I had been born a woman, I might have easily said yes and dated him.

If I had been a man until now, he would have been a great friend, and we might have maintained a good relationship.

But the world I live in is one, so the tens of thousands of what-ifs are meaningless.

I’m standing here now, in a woman’s body with a man’s memories and heart, so the conclusion is one.

You and I are impossible. Forever. Absolutely.

Health Boy’s chest, as he struggled to find an answer with his drunken mind, was blocked by my hand, and like a foul, I took the third turn, preventing him from giving whatever answer he was going to give by placing a stake through it and forbidding it.

“This is because we’ve become close, but I like women. So I can’t date a man. I can’t have s*x with one either. I’ve always been like this, and I probably will be for the rest of my life. So don’t like me.”

I unilaterally poured out everything I had to say and even decided what he should say next.

“If you don’t know what to say, say this. ‘You’re so full of yourself. I never liked you. Who do you think you are, that everyone in the world likes you? Ha. Ridiculous.’”

No, that’s not what he has to say. It’s what I want him to say.

I want him to say that. So that I, who is always selfish, can sleep soundly with both feet stretched out.

But Health Boy said the words I least wanted to hear.

“Is the woman you like So-eun?”

“Who knows?”

Maybe, maybe not.

Just because I like someone doesn’t mean they have to know, right?

Just like you liking me doesn’t mean I have to accept it.

I’m disgusted by the idea of a man liking a man.

So I understand if others are disgusted by a woman liking a woman.

Even if your liking me is an unbearable disgust, irritation, and anger to you, I understand.

The world doesn’t revolve around my will.

So I won’t say it out loud, so I won’t be rejected from the start.

So Jinu.

I hope you can endure it too.

Even if you have something to say, hold it in.

That’s what manners are.

“Take your time to collect yourself. Or, you know, just go home if you want.”

I left Health Boy standing there blankly in the emergency stairwell and returned to the restaurant.

Eugene Woo didn’t return until 30 minutes after Eugene Ah returned to the restaurant.

The course meal, with its set order, continued to be served even while he was absent, so several untouched dishes had piled up on his empty seat, showing the volume of time that had passed.

And the number of sake bottles on the table, which was only one before he left, had increased to four.

It was obvious who had drunk them, as Eugene Ah was clearly drunk.

“So-eun! Kiss! Quick! Uuuung! Do it, do it!”

Pushing her cheek against Shin So-eun’s and whining like a child, she was the picture of a drunkard.

“Unnie! Calm down! Heechan oppa is here too, you know!”

Unlike usual, Eugene Ah didn’t care at all that Shin So-eun was uncomfortable.

With her eyes unfocused, her tongue slurred, and acting cute in a way she normally detested from the bottom of her heart, it was clear that she was very drunk and not in her right mind.

She must have been so stressed about having to reject someone’s feelings that she had to drink like there was no tomorrow.

She’s too delicate and kind.

That fact was etched into Eugene Woo’s heart.

If only he hadn’t forced the issue and tried to rush the relationship, she wouldn’t have had to suffer like this.

It’s all my fault.

‘Yeah, it’s my fault.’

“Jin-ah unnie! Me too! I want a kiss too!”

Shin So-eun reluctantly pressed her lips to Eugene Ah’s cheek, and Soyoo Bin, as if jealous of that sight, asked for a kiss on her other cheek.

Three small, cute women playing around was a lovely sight.

But at the same time, Eugene Ah’s words echoed endlessly in Eugene Woo’s mind, like a large speaker in a small, enclosed room, constantly vibrating his body.

As if it were trying to shatter his head and brain.

-I like women.

‘Are you happy?’

Surrounded by the women she likes, is she happy now?

Eugene Woo, 24 years and a bit more.

Never in his entire life had he regretted being born a man.

No, was that not true? There was one time, when he was in the army, that he wished he were a woman so he wouldn’t have to be there.

But apart from that time, he had never regretted being a man.

But today, he felt a little regretful.

If only I were a woman, maybe I would have had a chance.

Maybe I could have been a part of that.

Maybe I wouldn’t have had to crush, suppress, and hide these feelings.

He couldn’t stand being sober today either, so he had no choice but to pick up the glass of alcohol.

Sake was too sweet.