Chapter 5: Between a Friend and an Animal

“Who…?”

I didn’t understand. How did she find out? When did she know? Where did I go wrong?

“Hyeji… What are you doing…?”
“Who is it?”

I didn’t even understand why it mattered. Hyeji was just my friend. Nothing more. I didn’t owe her any explanations. We weren’t dating, there was no budding romance, nothing. So why did this feel like such a big deal? Did Hyeji see me as family? Is that why she was so fixated on the underwear?

“…Why…?”

So many questions. Why was Hyeji’s face so cold, so menacing? Why was she pinning me down, demanding answers?

And most importantly, who did leave these marks? It was all a mystery. But why Hyeji? Why you?

“…When did you… find out…?”

I avoided her gaze, my eyes fixed on the wrinkles in her shirt, a hint of fear in my voice.

“…At school. When I sat on your desk, I saw them.”
“…”

I wanted to avoid the topic, pretend it never happened, and talk about it later, when the time was right. This wasn’t the right time. Whatever the reason, I wanted to deny it.

“It wasn’t… It was a bug bite, Hyeji.”

I gently took her wrist, my voice pleading for her to let me go.

“…Oh…?”

Her arm didn’t budge. I looked up at her face…

“…Do bugs… have teeth…?”
“Huh?”

She pressed her finger against one of the marks.

Press

“Ow…”
“…”

It hurt. She wasn’t pressing hard, not trying to restrain me. It was a gentle touch, but it hurt so much. She was strong. Too strong.

“Hyeji…?”

And then I realized.

“…”

The smell of alcohol. Hyeji was drunk. This was my chance.

“Hyeji, I’m cold… We’ll catch colds down here… Let’s go upstairs… okay…?”

I tried to coax her into leaving the basement. As soon as we were out, I’d run home.

“Let’s… wash up… and then sleep… We can talk tomorrow… okay…?”

But…

Thump

“Gah…!”

As I tried to sit up, Hyeji grabbed my neck, pinning me down.

“I… I liked you first…!”
“Gah…!”

Drip

It was nonsense. Drunken ramblings.

But the tears streaming down her face, the raw emotion in her voice, the flush in her cheeks…

“Even before you changed…!”
“…”

…they all screamed sincerity.

“I wanted to confess…!”
“…”

I’d never seen this desperation in Hyeji’s eyes before. Her tearful eyes, so raw, so vulnerable…

“I thought… even if your body changed… even if everything was different… my feelings wouldn’t change…!”

It broke my heart.

“Why don’t you see me…?”
“…”

She continued, her suppressed emotions pouring out, each word a stab to my heart.

“Why do you always look the other way…? We met in freshman year… Why do you always treat me like just a childhood friend…?”

I couldn’t answer.

“Why don’t you like me…?!”

Thump, thump, thump

Hyeji pounded on the sofa cushion next to my head, venting her frustration. The alcohol was fueling her emotions. I’d never seen her like this before.

“All that exercise… it was for you! Say something…!”

Squeeze

Her grip on my neck tightened.

“Gah…”

It hurt. This was dangerous. I wanted to answer, but I couldn’t breathe.

Please… Why do you always do this to me…? Why…

“I liked you too…!”

I was swept away by the emotions of the moment. The absurd events of the morning, the constant pressure from all sides, and my own self-deprecating thoughts…

Had my unrequited first love become a lingering regret?

“What…?”

Hyeji looked stunned.

Of course she was. I could never dislike Hyeji. She was beautiful, smart, disciplined, popular, kind… How could I not like someone so wonderful? How could I not develop feelings for her? I wasn’t heartless. I was a guy, and I liked her.

“I… I thought I wasn’t good enough for you…! You were too good for me…!”

But…

“You’re so beautiful… so amazing… and I… I’m just… I’m not good enough for you in any way…!”

I ran away.

“I ran away! Every single day!”

I ran from my feelings for her, wanting to feel at ease.

“From the fact that I liked you…!”

I convinced myself that being just friends, being near her, was enough.

“…So…”
“…”

Hyeji loosened her grip on my neck.

“So now you fell in love with someone else…? Who is it…? Tell me, and I’ll… I’ll beat them up… I’ll make them even worse than me, so you’ll be too good for them too…!”
“What…?”

But Hyeji was too drunk to understand. Even if she were sober… she wasn’t ready to hear my feelings.

“Is it Taeyeon? Yura…?”

She demanded an answer.

“Who is it that you love so much?! Tell me!”

I felt a pang of guilt. My outburst had been fueled by frustration. Now, I saw only my mistakes, the words I shouldn’t have said. I felt responsible for Hyeji’s pain.

If I’d known she liked me, could I have handled this differently? If I’d been more perceptive, more confident…

Yeah, things would have been better.

“…I’m sorry…”

Tears welled up in my eyes. A simple apology, spoken soberly, felt so heavy. I knew I had to say it, but even that one phrase felt like a betrayal. Even now, I was the same coward I’d always been.

Even with my body changed, I was still… me.

“It’s not…”

I wanted to calm her down, to explain, even though I didn’t understand the situation myself. But I couldn’t find the right words.

“…I’m sorry…”

The apology slipped out again.

Slide

“…I’m sorry, Hyeji…”

Humans, or rather, I, was so selfish. I used apologies as an escape route, words I couldn’t utter when they were truly needed, now flowing freely.

I was a hypocrite.

“…Let’s… let’s sleep, and then… we can talk later—”

And like always, I chose to run. Maybe I had no other choice. That’s all I’d learned from my runaway father. I always wished he’d taught me how to handle situations like this.

God, this was a mess.

Thump

“Mm…!”

But Hyeji, oblivious to my inner turmoil, suddenly covered my mouth.

“…It’s fine…”
“Mm…?”

Her eyes, half-lidded, stared intently at me.

Slide

“Mm…!”

She started undressing me.

“It’s fine… It’s okay… I still like you… You’re still Semin…”
“Mmmph…!”

I had to get away. But I couldn’t.

“…Let’s… make love… Love me… Please…”
“Mmmph…!”

Even though she wasn’t as strong as Taeyeon, Hyeji was athletic. I had no chance of escaping her grip. She pulled off my fleece jacket…

Flap

…and unbuttoned my shirt.

“…Haa…”
“Gah…!”

She bit my neck, leaving a new mark over the old ones.

“Mm…”

It hurt. More than in the dream. More than when it was intertwined with pleasure. Back then, it had felt good. But now… it just hurt.

“Chuwp…”
“Gah…!”

As she kissed my neck, her hands roamed my body. I was terrified.

“Mmmph… Mmmph…!”

This wasn’t love. It was assault. Hyeji handled my smaller frame like a doll, but her touch felt heavy, suffocating. I struggled against her.

“Gasp… Gasp…”

I felt like I was being dragged into a deep, dark abyss. Something terrible was about to happen, I knew it.

But there was no escape. No turning back.

“…Heehee…”

Finally, after marking me as hers, completely and utterly, Hyeji smiled and whispered,

“…Let’s do it…”
“Mm…”

Such absurd words. But coming from Hyeji, they held a terrifying weight.

“…If we do it… we’ll be together… Okay…? Leave her… and be with me… Only me…”
“…”

When I was a guy, the thought of being with someone like Hyeji would have been a dream come true. But now… It wasn’t a dream. It was a nightmare. I could already feel the excruciating pleasure to come.

I was terrified.

“…So… please… look at me…”

Slide

Just as Hyeji reached for the waistband of the lingerie she’d bought me, I felt her grip loosen.

“…Mm…!”

I seized the opportunity.

Rip!

“Haa…!”
“Ugh…!”

I rolled away, falling off the sofa.

Crash

“Ow…”

It hurt, but less than the pain in my chest. This… This wasn’t right.

“This isn’t… Hyeji…!”

This wasn’t love. I understood her feelings. We’d connected, we’d confessed. But this… this wasn’t the way to fix things. This was wrong. There was no justification for this.

“Please… Snap out of it…!”

I wanted to talk to her, when we were both in our right minds. 

No, right now…

“Please…!”

I was losing it. I just wanted to run. I wanted to escape. I needed to escape. This humid, stuffy basement, this cold, isolated room… It was suffocating.

Slide

“And…”

My mind still reeling, I fumbled for my clothes, my hands shaking.

“…You can’t… just… throw yourself at any guy…”

I didn’t even realize what I was saying.

“What… What if I were… a bad guy…”

Did I still think of myself as a guy? I didn’t know. I just needed to escape.

Tap

As I ran out of the basement, I didn’t have the mental capacity to process Hyeji’s expression as she sat there, motionless.

But I heard her voice.

“…What… was I… about to do…?”

Thankfully, she’d snapped out of it. Thankfully.

Beep, click

“Haa… Haa…”

I hadn’t.

Crash

“Sob… Sob…”