MOOD FOR LOVE (9)

Gasping sighs and the dry sensation of a blanket. A thoroughly soaked body and consumed emotions. When the ecstatic moments that are difficult to express in a single sentence and require listing of words have passed, regret and lingering feelings always surrounded my head.

Bnuel sat next to me, tightly clutching the blanket, and put a cigarette in her mouth again. Tobacco sourced from the elves’ forest smelled of flowers when lit and emitted a scent like dry firewood in its smoke. With each deep inhale and exhale, the scent permeated her body, making being beside Bnuel feel like embracing a tree in the rain.

“That was good.”

Bnuel said with a blushing face. Having bluntly uttered those words with a face full of un-elf-like embarrassment, she pulled the blanket up to her neck, primly shook her head, and then looked at me expectantly, waiting for my response.

I answered by stroking her hair and pulling her to my chest. When no expression came to mind, showing it through actions was more certain. She pressed her body against my chest and held out the cigarette to me.

The half-burnt cigarette dropped ashes onto the blanket, and black powder rolled from the bed to the floor. I took her hand and said:

“I don’t smoke.”

“Just try it once.”

I cannot refuse when asked twice. I bowed my head and took a deep drag from the cigarette she had been smoking. The wet smoke scent penetrated my body, and for a moment, my eyes became hazy. When I exhaled the warm sensation held in my mouth with a “whoo” sound, Bnuel was smiling through the smoke.

Perhaps I saw an illusion from being intoxicated by the smoke. When I waved away the white smoke that blocked my vision with my hand and rubbed my eyes, Bnuel was still staring at me with a blunt expression.

“How is it?”

“It’s unique. I can’t… express it. It’s like being in a forest.”

“That’s why I smoke it. When I was at the academy, taking a puff and inhaling, it reminded me of the forest.”

Bnuel said this and put the cigarette in her mouth again. She brushed away the smoke that crept out between her lips with her hand, and then looked at me again with a blunt face. The woman who had been stained with excitement and pleasure just a moment ago was no longer there.

But her eyes, softened from the afterglow, and her disheveled clothing proved that she had spent an ecstatic time with me. She threw the cigarette toward the ashtray, placed her hand on my chest, and said:

“When I miss the forest, I smoke. What should I do when I miss you?”

Her fingers drew a picture on my chest. Two round hills. Diagonal lines connecting the ends of the two hills. I stroked her wrist and said:

“Memories should remain as memories.”

Hadn’t we agreed to just have a night of memories? Such changes of heart were common, and each time I had to detach myself, I had to listen to sorrowful stories. Bnuel also looked at me intently and continued:

“If we get married, I’ll treat you well. I’ll prepare delicious meals every day, and I’ll go to seminars with you. You’ll massage my shoulders when I’m tired from research, and we’ll chat over coffee. And when Mille visits, we’ll both embrace her lovingly, and the three of us will go on a picnic. You’ll decide where to go for the picnic, and we’ll do things that Mille would like and find fun.”

It was an attractive story. I had once dreamed of such a home too.

“…I’m sorry, madam.”

When I gently pushed her hand away, Bnuel said with a steadfast face:

“…You’re cold-hearted.”

“I have many women in my embrace. Someone as dissolute as me… doesn’t suit you, madam.”

Bnuel shook her head. She hadn’t heard that I was dissolute, nor that I was leaving far away. She simply said:

“It’s okay.”

“I’m going far away now. I might not come back.”

“I can wait.”

“Madam.”

When I called Bnuel, even though I didn’t add any words, she shook her head. And she looked at me with clear eyes. I also looked at those round eyes and shook my head. We looked at each other’s faces continuously, having a conversation without words.

When Bnuel averted her gaze from me and exhaled, I said quietly:

“I won’t come back. I’ll go far away, live an even more dissolute life, and forget you. I might even start a family there. It was just one night, wasn’t it?”

Bnuel didn’t answer.

She turned her head away from me, tightly gripped the blanket, and hunched her shoulders. The sound of steadying her breath could be heard, and she picked up her clothes while wrapped in the blanket.

The sight of her leaving the bed and leaving me was familiar. A woman putting on clothes desolately and me sitting on the bed, watching awkwardly. I had never thought about which of us would be feeling more miserable and empty.

Heading to the wardrobe, she revealed her naked body, dropped the cloth, and changed into new clothes. It was still an attractive body, but I no longer gave her my gaze and reached for the clothes I had dropped.

We changed clothes in silence.

The sound of clothes brushing against each other continued as if imitating the night of pleasure, and the wrinkled cloth, kicked lightly by Bnuel, came toward me like a wave. Bnuel said while buttoning up:

“What if we had met elsewhere, differently? For instance, at the academy.”

“We would have started a family.”

“Then why. Why can’t we now? Is there a difference between the two?”

I nodded. She wasn’t looking, but I still nodded and said:

“Since the fall of the Empire, I haven’t thought about starting a family and loving someone. Haven’t you had such an experience? When the tower you’ve built collapses, you don’t want to do anything. Just… just being alive. If I feel lonely, I meet someone in a similar situation, cling to them, and once my desire is satisfied, I run away.”

I thought my life was like a mosquito.

A bug-like life that could never be fixed, that no one could change.

Bnuel was also a victim bitten by me, and I, the perpetrator, was shamelessly appealing to my own pitifulness.

“I’ll wait.”

I felt lost at her single sentence. I blinked my eyes, struggling to understand those words, but decided to give up thinking deeply about it. Our conversation ended as she didn’t continue the talk either.

So I got up from my seat.

Bnuel went ahead, unlocking the mechanism. A little later after she left, I moved my body. On the first floor, the party members who had just woken up were yawning or sitting rubbing their eyes. Seeming to have slept soundly, Lena stretched and had a refreshed expression, waving her hand at me and saying:

“Sir, you woke up early?”

“Yes.”

“Porter. When you wake up, you should fix the blanket properly. This is someone else’s house, isn’t it?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I woke up a bit early and was walking around so as not to wake everyone, and it seems I forgot in the process.”

I laughed it off and was folding the blanket. Bnuel was watching us from the second-floor railing. Lena was hugging Mille, who had just woken up, asking if she slept well, and Mille clung to Lena acting spoiled, then went to Ashuria.

Bnuel was about to put a cigarette in her mouth out of habit, but then looked at the air with a blank expression again.

---

[“Smile.”

There are two elves facing each other. The woman with a more mature appearance puts her hand inside the young elf’s mouth. Then she turns the young elf’s face toward the mirror while lifting the corners of the mouth.

“Smile. Like this.”

The young elf tries to smile. But no elf anywhere could genuinely smile in such a situation. An awkwardly distorted smile. A smile with half-twisted corners of the mouth and contorted eyebrows becomes a hideous image in the mirror, etching a nightmare for the young elf.

But the mature elf is harsh. She forcibly carves a smile on the young elf’s face once more. Cheeks pressed down and teeth visible through the lips, creating a ridiculous appearance. But the young elf cannot laugh at the sight.

Because the flesh hurts, and tensing the facial muscles is frightening.

“You can do it. You can, so smile.”

But the mature elf fails to understand the young elf’s feelings. She believes only one thing: that this young elf can smile brightly.

“Bnuel. You have to smile.”

“But, mom. I don’t feel like smiling now.”

Even when the young elf speaks tearfully, the mature elf continues with her immature statements.

“Humans smile even when they don’t want to. You can feel emotions like those humans, can’t you?”

“I’m scared, mom.”

“It’s okay, Bnuel.”

There are two elves facing each other. The woman with a more mature appearance puts her hand inside the young elf’s mouth. Then she turns the young elf’s face toward the mirror while lifting the corners of the mouth.

“Smile.”]

---

“Mom! Good morning!”

Mille said with a bright expression. Awakened from her reverie, Bnuel looked at Mille again and waved to her.

Mille waved even more enthusiastically, not to be outdone by Bnuel, and also greeted the hero. The hero awkwardly greeted Bnuel and also acknowledged Mille’s greeting.

Bnuel said to us:

“It was enjoyable.”

Bnuel said that while looking at me. Her gaze was wavering, but she composed her emotions. We, who would have been happy if we had met elsewhere, were disrupted by the peculiarity of some dissolute man.

That was the end of the romance drama.

The sound of the door closing and the quiet first floor.

The silence where voices echoed and the faint sound of footsteps from the second floor could be heard.

Amidst that, Mille said to us as if nothing had happened:

“Let’s go eat breakfast!”