Chapter 468: How pleasant.

Gugugugugugu-!

Amidst the raging storm, I held onto my fading consciousness and endured for a long time.

My body felt like it was expanding, ready to burst at any moment.

I could feel my body exploding the instant I let go, even a little.

Kadeudeuk.

From my body, I kept hearing the sound of something breaking and reassembling.

During that process, I vividly felt the pain of my entire body being torn apart.

This wasn’t just the level of getting injured.

Ppadeudeuk-!

My skeleton shifted, and my skin was ripped away.

My insides twisted, not to mention my blood felt as hot as if it were boiling.

Amidst all that, I couldn’t even scream.

The moment I let out a sound, everything would end.

I held my breath.

The surging energy relentlessly burrowed into my body.

I had long surpassed the limits of my physical body.

Meaning, I had far exceeded the limits of what I could contain.

And yet.

How on earth am I able to endure this?

My skin felt like it would tear, and my body screamed, begging to be killed right now.

Closing and opening my eyes.

Inhaling and exhaling.

In a situation where every single one of those was pain and despair, the only thing I could do was endure.

My body, barely holding on as if about to rip apart, had its skeleton broken and remade thousands of times within.

Jjeojeok.

I heard the sound of breaking.

Jjiieeeek-!

I also heard the sound of tearing.

Pain radiated from every part of me, making it impossible to know what was happening where anymore.

I want to die.

That was the only thought that came to mind once the pain exceeded all limits.

I wanted to give up everything right now and succumb to death.

For what am I enduring such pain?

What is the point of barely holding onto my fading consciousness?

Kung kung-! Kung kung-!

Perhaps sensing my weakened mind?

The energy filling my body then began to rage.

It seemed desperate to escape outwards.

‘They’re the ones who came inside. These damned bastards.’

I opened my eyes slightly.

I couldn’t open them wide, but I could manage a sliver.

‘Ha.’

A hollow laugh escaped me the moment I saw it.

The space, which had been filled with water just moments ago, was now completely empty.

Meaning all that water had vanished.

Where to?

Into my body.

The overflowing water had become energy, contained within my body.

To think they crammed such an immense amount into this tiny, mouse-poop-sized body, no wonder it felt like it would burst.

Deolkeok-!

“Hooook…!”

Unable to contain the reaction, I gasped for air.

A stream of blue energy trickled from my slightly parted lips.

Dugeun-!

Perhaps due to that, my heart also pounded once, hard.

Even a slight vibration caused excruciating pain, so that last one was truly dangerous.

‘Damn it all.’

How much longer? Just how much longer do I have to endure this?

Enduring this situation made me realize a few things.

That humans are surprisingly tenacious, even when pushed to their limits.

Seeing as I felt like I was about to die any second, yet I’m still holding on.

Jjiieek.

“…!”

A patch of my skin was ripped off.

Not just cut, but the entire layer of skin peeled away.

Seueu….

New skin grew in its place.

It hurt when it was torn off.

It hurt when it grew back, too.

Seriously, this is the most fucked-up thing ever.

Ah, fuck. If it was going to be like this, I should have just given it all up.

I should have surrendered everything when my bloodlust demanded it.

It feels a bit pathetic to regret it now.

‘Ha.’

What kind of glory am I chasing for my life to keep ending up like this?

Ah, maybe it’s too much to call this a life (人生) anymore.

Because if I endure until the end, I won’t be human anymore.

‘…This sucks.’

I wanted to live like a human. And now I won’t even be that.

What a damn shitty life it turned out to be.

As I clenched my teeth, cradling my trembling hands in pain.

[Then.]

[Why exactly are you trying to endure?]

A voice echoed in my head.

It was a voice I’d faintly heard since I started enduring.

It sounded like the voice my bloodlust had uttered, but the atmosphere was different somehow.

‘It could be auditory hallucination.’

The voice was indistinct and blurry, so maybe I was hallucinating from the overwhelming pain.

It didn’t matter.

Because I wasn’t particularly afraid of going mad.

[It would be easier if you just let go. Why insist on enduring?]

It’s just a bit noisy.

[You say you aren’t afraid of death, so why do you crave life?]

‘You’re being a bit noisy, so shut up. I can’t concentrate.’

[I don’t understand.]

‘Who asked you to understand?’

If I don’t understand it myself, how could anyone else?

Why am I doing this?

‘It’s too late to find reasons one by one.’

I’ve come too far to recall the reasons.

Sure, I could find plenty of justifications.

Like having to save the world by recalling future crises.

Or wanting to ascend to a higher position by abandoning humanity.

If I tried, I could list countless reasons.

But none of those are the reason for me.

[Then why….]

Well.

I think I used to have them, back then.

But now, I don’t know.

If this were the old man Shin, perhaps he would have endured, citing the need to save the world or his beliefs.

But I’m no hero like that old man.

I wasn’t particularly interested in worldly affairs.

Whether wars broke out and ruined the world, or if this world held some secret.

None of it mattered to me.

If I really had to find a reason.

‘It’s just… I wouldn’t be able to face the kids if I gave up so easily.’

That’s probably the closest thing to a reason.

[Just… just for that?]

The voice sounded incredulously dismissive of the reason I barely managed to recall.

Who the hell is this guy to be judging me?

‘Now you too, are you going to give me shit?’

This is truly absurd.

It’s just baffling.

First my bloodlust was throwing a tantrum, and now…

‘Even my lingering attachments are giving me shit.’

Even my desire to remain human was judging me.

As I growled in anger, I sensed the voice falter slightly.

[…I… don’t want to become a monster.]

The voice sounded pitiful and sad, laced with resentment and anger.

‘I know.’

I know very well.

I wanted to die as a human.

Because I couldn’t achieve it properly in my past life, I wanted to protect this at least.

Though I suspected it might already be impossible since I achieved demonic transformation.

Still, it was something I desperately wished for.

[If you give up now… you still can.]

‘I can.’

Meaning, if I let go right now, I could die immediately.

Yes, as a human.

I could die as a human.

Instead of becoming some unknown higher species.

I could die as myself, maintaining the body I was born with.

Thinking that made me unable to stop laughing.

Just.

What is it about being human that makes me cling so stubbornly?

Or perhaps.

Am I someone who abandoned their humanity, yet still desperately wished to be human?

That’s wrong.

I knew.

It’s a more selfish desire than that.

Not some abstract feeling like human dignity or unyielding pride.

It was simply the selfish desire to be beside the people I cherish, as a human.

[…I… want to be human.]

The voice, filled entirely with that sentiment.

Still weighed me down, full of lingering attachment and indignation.

Saying I don’t deserve it.

Asking if it wasn’t already too late to even consider deserving it.

My reason sharply whipped and blamed me.

But my selfish desire, knowing all that, kept rearing its head.

Saying, ‘It’s already in the past, what does it matter?’

Asking, ‘Can’t this life be different?’

How truly pathetic.

No matter how much time passed, I remained pathetic.

Even so.

‘Sorry.’

[…]

‘It seems that’s asking a bit much.’

My life has been a series of choices.

There hasn’t been a single moment I haven’t placed them on a scale to weigh the consequences.

The history of my past life.

Was merely the result of choosing the heavier side of the scale.

And this time was no different.

I still chose the heavier side.

My lingering attachments.

And the happiness of those I hold dear, I placed them on the scale and weighed them.

In fact, there was no need to even place them.

Because I already knew that deep within my heart.

[…]

Perhaps it was because I realized that much.

The lingering attachment I heard by my ear was no longer audible.

‘Sorry.’

Still, I apologized once more.

I’d never apologized for my own sake, but I felt I had to this time.

Kuung-!

As if in defiance, the energy surged even more violently.

Consequently, the pain intensified significantly.

Furthermore, I felt a change within my body.

Uung-!

The energy, which had been constantly expanding, began to move.

As the energy filling me from toe to head started moving, it felt maddening.

Kkuuk-!

“Kkeu…eu….”

Vortex.

The vast energy moved all at once, swirling and transforming into a vortex.

Kadeudeuk-!

The shell that had been cracking bit by bit shattered instantly, and the fragmented skeleton underwent transformation.

Hwaaahk-!

As the skeleton transformed, the energy extended along a path.

Where was its destination? I realized it immediately.

My heart.

The place this immense energy was heading, churning through my body, was my heart.

Kkwaak-!

“Kkeueueueuaaaa!”

The energy that felt like it would burst just from being contained within my body now gathered in my chest again, making the pressure incomparable.

That wasn’t the end.

Kung-!

The compressed energy shrank even further.

It felt like I was about to be sucked in.

I had to endure.

Even if I couldn’t, I had to endure.

Kadeudeuk-!

I heard the sound of crumbling.

Something inside began to break.

The vessel should have already broken and disappeared, so what was breaking now?

Jjeojeok-!

The sound originating from within soon became audible from the outside as well.

Space itself was collapsing.

Kung-! Kung-!

My chest, raging as if about to explode.

The distorting space.

The sensation of continuous collapse.

Within it all, I barely held onto my sanity.

I would not let go.

The only time I could let go of this is when everything is over.

I absolutely had to.

As I endured like that for a long time.

Kung….

Kung….

The vibrations, which had been ringing madly every second, gradually subsided.

Proportionally, the pain also began to decrease.

Just when I thought it might finally be over.

Tuk.

A faint pulse was felt in my chest, and then.

Kwaaaaah-!

The barely contained energy spread out in all directions.

Swept away by that impossibly vast amount of energy, I couldn’t hold on any longer and my consciousness scattered.

Immediately after.

“Heok…!”

When I opened my eyes again.

So much had changed.