Return Home – 1

Spring of second year in high school.

With the new semester, the same daily routine started again.

Ah, not completely the same.

After being in the same class for three years, Yoon Do-hyun and I were finally in different classes. And… Lee Yu-ri too.

In Do-hyun’s case, we bickered about finally being separated and feeling relieved, but honestly, it would be a lie to say I wasn’t a bit sad.

As for Yu-ri… sorry, but I thought it was better for both of us to be in different classes.

Other than that, my monotonous daily life consisted of talking with Ye-rin before sleeping and after waking up, sharing our daily routines.

Going back and forth between school and home, focusing all my energy on studying—that kind of monotonous life.

Because it was so monotonous, I was tempted countless times to give in to dopamine, but I endured because of my upward-trending grades that showed the results of my efforts and my goal of going to the same university as Ye-rin.

So my life was almost no different from last year.

If there was one difference, it was…

…that this year marked the third year since Ye-rin left.

Of course, since they had said at least three years, I tried to comfort myself multiple times not to expect too much.

But I couldn’t help feeling hopeful.

Yes.

I couldn’t help it.

**

Summer of second year in high school.

Yoon Do-hyun, who visited our class, plopped down in the seat in front of me and created a dramatic atmosphere, saying he had an important announcement.

Thinking he was about to spout some nonsense again, I told him to get on with it.

He rambled on, saying he could no longer be called a boy and apologizing for becoming an adult before me.

No wonder. I thought he seemed happier than usual whenever we met, as if he had eaten something strange.

He just couldn’t wait to brag.

As Do-hyun patted my shoulder, telling me to call him “hyung” from now on, honestly…

ㅡ …Hadn’t you done it already?

Even though we were close friends, it felt awkward to ask “Have you done that?” So I never asked directly, but given that he was a crazy guy who had dated 10 girlfriends, I unconsciously assumed he had already done it.

What surprised me wasn’t that he had done it before me, but that he seemed like it was his first time. It was hard to keep a straight face.

No wonder this time he’d been dating his girlfriend for quite a while. I wondered if this guy had his own standards after all.

“Hey, you know what really surprised me?”

“What? Did you look in a mirror?”

“If you’re jealous, just say so, asshole. No, I thought only guys wanted to do it, but when I talked to my girlfriend, she said she had been wanting to do it for a long time too. It’s not just guys who want to do it!”

I was dumbfounded seeing Do-hyun puffing his nostrils like a primitive man who had discovered fire, saying it wasn’t just men who wanted to do it.

“You and your girlfriend are well-matched, so your feelings aligned. Not everyone is like that.”

“…I’m the one who did it, but why does it feel like Han Woo-jin is having the post-coital wisdom moment? Do you think you and Ye-rin would be any different?”

“…Ye-rin doesn’t know about those things, you idiot. She’s so pure.”

Do-hyun’s mouth opened as if to argue, then slowly closed again.

“Hmm… I guess you’re right? After hearing you say that, I think your girlfriend would probably be happy just holding hands.”

ㅡ That would be amazing.

“Anyway… So, was it good?”

The corners of Do-hyun’s mouth, which had already been up, stretched even higher as he heard my question, and he chuckled.

“Dude, I can tell just by your expression.”

Just seeing that lecherous expression made me laugh, thinking there was no need to ask more.

That day, until we went home, Do-hyun excitedly shared various tips disguised as advice, saying things like atmosphere is important, the thickness of condoms matters, and that I should never forget what “hyung” had told me.

…I’m envious.

Not so much about the fact that he did it, but…

Seeing him so excited about creating a midsummer night’s memory with his girlfriend.

I felt a little, just a tiny bit, envious.

…Of course, that’s not to say I wasn’t also envious about doing it, ahem.

Fall of second year in high school.

My birthday that came around again, whether I wanted it or not.

Ye-rin sent expensive stationery and shoes again.

ㅡ The whole world is Ye-rin…

By now, almost everything around me was gifts from Ye-rin.

And Ye-rin, where on earth do you find these things…?

I learned for the first time that ballpoint pens and mechanical pencils could be this expensive.

Those alone would have been enough, but this time she sent shoes too. I wondered why she sent two things—was she feeling sorry?

Then I realized an uncomfortable truth.

I had unconsciously thought that Ye-rin needed to feel sorry toward me.

I had tainted Ye-rin’s precious feelings—her hopes that I would be happy with the gifts she carefully chose—with the thought that she might be doing this because she felt sorry.

…This is not right. This really isn’t right.

Han Woo-jin, you know better than anyone that Ye-rin hasn’t done anything wrong.

ㅡ But.

Three years.

Before I knew it, three years had passed, and time didn’t wait for us, continuing to flow rapidly even now.

I had expected this from the moment they said “at least three years.”

After the warm spring passed, and the hot summer passed.

Each time I comforted myself by saying that three years hadn’t passed yet.

But now that I was facing a bitter fall without Ye-rin, even after three years had passed.

Just a little, really just a tiny bit.

I couldn’t help wondering if it was taking too long.

I really couldn’t help it.

Winter of second year in high school.

As the third year of high school was approaching, I ironically felt relieved.

Because the looming presence of the college entrance exam forced me to divert my attention somewhat.

Both Ye-rin and I.

As if by agreement, we never brought up the topic of returning to Korea in our conversations.

Do-hyun and other friends.

They no longer asked me when my beautiful girlfriend was coming back.

Han Se-ah too.

She no longer whined about how she wished they would come back soon.

Of course, I had never specifically asked Ye-rin when she was coming back.

I didn’t want to make her feel troubled.

But now, I felt that even if I wanted to ask, I couldn’t.

For fear of hearing her say “a few years later” again.

I had to prescribe myself ignorance as medicine.

“Ah, I really, really, really don’t want to do this…”

This isn’t a human life, damn it. It’s a slave’s life.

For the winter break, except for going out to exercise, I was trying to study all day without leaving the house as a final sprint before senior year, and it was killing me.

By now, I should be able to say mechanically like those geniuses, “Studying was the easiest thing in the world~”

But I had no such feelings—studying was still the most hateful thing in the world. No, it wasn’t just hatred, it was fucking awful.

Not wanting to look at the textbook with its dense passages in front of me, I turned my head and noticed that my room seemed a bit messier than usual.

…Was my room always this dirty?

The blanket on my bed seemed more disheveled than usual.

…Maybe I should clean my room before studying?

I thought the reason I couldn’t study well was because of this.

After cleaning, I’d be tired, so as a reward, I could rest on my bed for a bit before studying again—perfect, yes.

Just as I was about to get up from my chair thinking “This schedule is perfect, let’s get to cleaning,”

The door swung open and Han Se-ah entered.

“Oppa, studying is hard, right~! Eat some fruit and…huh?”

“…”

“Eh, why are you in such an awkward position…? Did I come at a bad time? Should I leave and come back in about 5 minutes…?”

“…What nonsense are you thinking about?”

“Ah, is 5 minutes too short? I don’t really know…”

“Aish, that’s not it. I was about to get up to clean my room when you came in.”

“Oh, what~! I thought… Since your posture was like that and you looked so surprised to see me, I thought you were trying to relieve the stress from studying~”

“…What are you saying?”

…This Se-ah. Her deduction was surprisingly sharp, making me wonder if there was a CCTV in my room. It was about room cleaning this time, but there had been other times too.

“But why are you cleaning your room? It’s very clean.”

“What are you talking about? If you look closely, there’s some dust and the blanket on the bed is disheveled. Don’t you know that the study environment is very important for a student preparing for exams?”

After I gave logical reasons for why I needed to clean my room, Se-ah looked at me with pity.

“…Oppa, are you having a hard time?”

“Why are you looking at me like that…?”

“No, but…”

Se-ah stopped mid-sentence, closed her mouth, and soon nodded with a compassionate expression as if she understood everything.

“…No, it’s fine. Even though your room is clearly clean and the blanket is as neat as usual. If that’s what makes you comfortable, I understand, yes. Is there anything I can help with?”

…I was dumbfounded by Se-ah, who claimed to understand but was treating me like I had gone crazy from studying.

“No, there isn’t. So please just leave. I’ll eat the fruit well.”

“That’s a terrible way to treat your lovely sister~!”

“What do you mean ‘lovely’. Besides, the way you’re treating me is worse.”

…This isn’t a break.

Feeling like my soul was being drained with each exchange, I waved my hand for her to leave quickly.

“Fine, I’ll go if that’s what you want! …But oppa, can I ask you one thing before I go?”

“What is it?”

Thinking it would be something trivial, I looked at Se-ah, who seemed somewhat tense.

For a moment, she opened and closed her mouth as if finding it difficult to speak.

Soon, she slowly brought up the topic.

“Oppa… have you ever regretted it?”