Chapter 43: Yugalyeon(5)

In oppa’s apartment, a place so familiar it felt like an extension of my own room, I lay on the small bed, using his arm as a pillow.

The gentle rise and fall of his chest, the soft, comforting warmth as I placed my hand on it. I smiled faintly, admiring the face before me.

Long eyelashes, a faint stubble that looked slightly rough, a straight, high nose, and… those protruding, crimson lips. I never got tired of looking at them. I wanted to gaze at them all day, if I could.

After a while, I lifted my head and gently bit my upper lip, feeling the soft texture and a tingling current.
Overwhelmed by the dizzying sensation, I continued to kiss his lips. Again and again.

****

“Ah…”

I hate mornings. Because they’re painful.
The dizzying fall from the blissful feeling of floating high in the sky on a cloud, to waking up in bed. Unni’s shimmering face and the creeping sense of guilt. The sunlight, as if mocking me, piercing my entire body.

It was the worst.

I was now trying to connect unni and oppa with an almost obsessive compulsion. Seeing unni’s bright smile beside oppa seemed to alleviate my guilt a little.
But the more I did, the bigger my feelings for oppa, and my jealousy, grew.

I want unni to be happy. I don’t want to see them together. I like oppa. I enjoy spending time with the three of them. Spending time with the three of them is painful.

“Ugh.”

As soon as I got home, I would head to the bathroom. To vomit out all the filth that filled my heart, just like washing the dirt off my hands.

“Cough, hack, ugh…”

Get out. Please, get out.
So I can go back to being myself when I leave the bathroom.
Of course, such a miracle never happened.

The only solace for my heart, which was on the verge of breaking, was the blanket I had secretly stolen from oppa’s house.
Although the scent had faded since I first brought it, I once again craved the ungrateful comfort of its faint lingering fragrance.

Good night, oppa. See you in a little while. Muttering those words, I would gently kiss the blanket and close my eyes, and a sweet dream would begin again.

“Sob, hic… Ah…”

It should begin.

“I hate it… I hate it now…!”

Oppa, help me. Just like you came looking for me on the rooftop that time, just like you brought peace to my heart, please, somehow.

“Hey, Garyeon.”

Contrary to my wish, it was oppa who asked for help, but at that moment, I was so happy I felt like I could fly.

“I need to talk to you about something, do you have a minute?”

His eyes, which had started to look haggard at some point, his cheeks, which showed clear signs of thinning, his noticeably reduced words…
Everyone in the club was worried about oppa, but he chose to talk to me first, of all people. How could I not be happy?

“…so, that’s what happened.”

What came out of oppa’s mouth was a story about how he had fallen for a certain woman and was planning to confess to her on Christmas, but she stood him up at the meeting place, and to make matters worse, she acted as if nothing had happened and tried to pretend that day never happened.

Although oppa said it wasn’t someone he met in college, I immediately knew that the woman in the story was unni.

“What should I do?”

I felt like a lightning bolt had struck my head.

Why? Why would unni, of all people, do that to oppa? You’ve liked him all this time. You used to stare at his face with such a fond expression. You even studied makeup and clothes, which you hated, for him.

And yet, you were the one chosen by oppa.

“That’s…”

But I knew. Unni wasn’t the type to do something like that without a special reason.
There must have been some misunderstanding. It’s okay, if I step in and mediate now, the two of them will definitely get together. I was certain of that.

But, but you know, unni.

“That’s just playing the field.”

Even if it started as a misunderstanding, in the end, you’re the one who refused to talk to oppa the next day, right?

You had plenty of chances to make up for it, but you dragged it out until it came to this. Of course, I don’t know what you were thinking.
But it must be nothing. It’s certainly not something worth making oppa feel this way.

“Oppa, you were just being used by that person. It’s obvious she never liked you from the beginning. That’s why she could just brush it off when you confessed. She didn’t want to ruin her reputation by rejecting you, but she didn’t want to date someone she had no feelings for either.”

So it’s your fault, unni.
It’s your fault for playing a strange power game with oppa, even though you know he has deep wounds he can’t talk about with others.

“But Garyeon, what if there’s some misunderstanding between us…”

Yes, if it were me, I would never let oppa make such a sad face.
If I had known this would happen, I wouldn’t have helped you from the beginning.

I’ve been patient enough for unni, but she threw away her chance herself.

“No, that’s not possible. If it were, she wouldn’t have refused to talk to you, right? If you keep trying, you’ll only get hurt, so it’s better to give up.”
“I-I guess so.”
“That’s right, I thought something was strange lately, but it was nothing. Forget about that insignificant woman and hang out with us. After all, we’re the only ones who can understand a unique person like you, oppa.”

Then it’s okay for me to have him now, right?

“We came all the way to a ski resort, but what are we doing, not even skiing? Let’s go skiing now, okay?”
“…Yeah, let’s do that.”

That evening was truly like a dream.
Although I pretended it was an accident, I was able to be openly held in oppa’s arms, something I had only ever imagined. I was able to smell his scent to my heart’s content, like when it was just the two of us at the academy, and act spoiled. I was so happy…

But that was it. Even after that day, my relationship with oppa didn’t progress at all. I finally realized it.
To him, I was nothing more or less than a close younger sister. Even if unni disappeared, oppa would never see me as a woman and be conscious of me.

As the excitement subsided and reason returned to my desire-twisted mind, I couldn’t help but tremble.

Concession? Opportunity? It was a connection that wouldn’t have even started if it weren’t for unni.
And what a terrible thing I had done to unni.

I had to take it back quickly. But by the time I thought that, it was too late…

“Oppa, about what you said before. I think I was wrong. It’s not playing the field. W-Why don’t you try talking to her again now?”
“No, Garyeon. Come to think of it, you weren’t wrong at all. Where in this world would someone like me find someone to like me? As you know, I’m quite peculiar.”

Seeing oppa’s self-deprecating smile and his nonchalant self-hating remarks, I felt like a part of my heart was being torn away.

“No! Oppa, you’re not weird! That, that was just a slip of the tongue. So before it’s too late, hurry.”

Should I have told the truth then? That my jealousy exploded because of my feelings for oppa, and I misspoke.

But if I had said that, he, with his personality, wouldn’t have been able to focus on unni, putting my feelings for him aside.

“Thanks for comforting me. I’m not going to be greedy anymore.”

I ran out and went to see you, unni.

“Th-This is the first time in a long time that we’ve slept together at your place like this. Right?”
“Huh? You’re right. At some point, I think I started sleeping more at the club room than at home. There were so many assignments.”

Unlike oppa, you seemed as calm as usual. So much so that I wouldn’t have found it strange at all if I hadn’t heard the story beforehand.

“So what is it?”
“Th-That’s not what I came for. I just wanted to see you.”
“You must have something to say if you suddenly came barging in. It’s annoying, so stop beating around the bush and just say it.”

But that was just on the surface. Your voice was laced with anxiety.

“Hey, that’s.”

Was it because I had just met oppa? I got swept up in that anxiety too.
I shouldn’t have. I should have been more calm, observed your mood, and taken enough time to persuade you.

“…It’s about you and oppa.”

At those words, the air froze.

“Did Dojin tell you to say that?”
“Yes?”
“Or are you doing this on your own?”
“Unni, th-that’s, what are you talking about?”

Your eyes, as you said that, were filled with blood vessels.

“It was you who Dojin went to meet that day, leaving me behind, right? I don’t know if you made the first move and confessed, or if he realized his feelings late, but you must have decided to date. So now I’m uncomfortable, so you’re telling me to stop contacting you.”
“W-Wait a minute, unni.”
“I’ll understand. I’ll be satisfied with just being friends, okay? But why are you and Dojin doing this? You met because of me, so you can at least show that much consideration!”

I was so flustered by your appearance, something I had never seen before.

“No, no! That’s not what I came here to say. Why would I be dating oppa in the first place?”
“…You’re not dating?”
“I don’t even understand why you’re making such a misunderstanding in the first place.”
“Then why did you come?”
“I just, after hearing the story, I thought there might be a misunderstanding between you two, so before it’s too late…”
“Don’t lie, you like Dojin. What do you have to gain by doing something like that?”

I felt my heart sink.

“You have some ulterior motive, right? You’re pretending to help me so you can get rid of me and have Dojin all to yourself, right?”
“Th-That’s why I’m saying you’ve been acting strange since earlier. I don’t know on what grounds you’re thinking that. I-I don’t like someone like that at all…”
“You kissed him.”

I was already out of my mind.

“Now that I think about it, you did that on purpose to show me, didn’t you? That’s why you looked so dazed, for so long…!”
“Ugh, ah. I-I can explain. That’s.”
“I shouldn’t have introduced you to him… I liked him first…!”
“So it’s all a misunderstanding! The person oppa really likes is you! That’s right, Christmas…! Oppa was waiting to confess that day, but you didn’t show up. There must have been some mistake, right? Even now, hurry—”
“That’s all a lie!”

Seeing you scream with a mournful voice, your body trembling, I truly realized the weight of the sin I had committed.

“Dojin didn’t come. He wouldn’t like a poor, ugly woman who’s not good at anything, when he has people like you, Minseo, and Dasom unni… Yes, I’ve always been like this. I was just abandoned again this time. There’s nothing strange about it.”
“U-Unni.”
“You know, I’ll be satisfied with just being friends… Please, just don’t try to separate me from Dojin. I’m begging you…”

My voice didn’t reach you. To you now, I was just a competitor who might steal the person you like.
From the moment you found out about my ugly feelings, whatever I said could only be perceived as deceit.

Unspeakable words, irreparable relationships. And amidst that, the ugly jealousy and hatred that lingered in my heart.
Trapped in a swamp I couldn’t escape, I struggled for years, and in the end, I left indelible scars on both of them.

Unni.
I regret everything I’ve done. If I hadn’t existed, everyone would have been happy. If I could die, I’ve always thought it would be best to die at your hands.

“…You know, I like you. I like you.”

But in the end, it seems I couldn’t give up my feelings for oppa.
Even if it meant becoming the worst woman, that is.

****

As soon as the words were spoken, Yu Garyeon covered her mouth with both hands.

“I…”

As if she couldn’t believe what she had just said, Yu Garyeon’s body began to tremble once more.

“What have I said…”

She had only ever looked at Seolha. She had only ever tried to look at Seolha.
While she wanted others to understand her feelings, she herself had never even tried to understand the feelings others had for her, or their weight.

“Forget it. That was just nonsense I spouted because of the alcohol. I’ve never liked someone like you.”

Tears, more than she had ever shed before, streamed down Yu Garyeon’s face.

“Ah, haha… why am I doing this? Really, I’m fine.”

She couldn’t be fine. I myself know how painful it is to hold someone in your heart.

“Hearing something like this from me would only be bewildering and annoying to you. Because from the first time we met until now, I’ve only ever done mean things to you. And yet, I was just jealous that you weren’t looking at me, and in the end, unni and oppa…”

I quietly hugged Yu Garyeon, who was sobbing pathetically.

“Why…?”

Yu Garyeon’s face, looking at me, was filled with bewilderment.

“I-I… I hated oppa without even knowing him properly. I’ve even badmouthed him to Seolha unni. I didn’t even try to listen to the things he told me at the academy for my own good. And yet, I selfishly fell for him, and I just got in the way between unni and oppa, and I ruined everything.”
“Garyeon, I know you have a lot to say, but can you listen to me first?”

After confirming that Yu Garyeon, in my arms, had slowly nodded, I spoke again.

“First… thank you for telling me you like me. It’s the first time someone has confessed to me first.”

At the word “first,” Yu Garyeon’s shoulders trembled.

“It was painful, wasn’t it? Not being able to say it until now, not being understood.”
“Shut up!”

Yu Garyeon screamed, covering her ears as if she didn’t want to hear any more.

“Even if you won’t accept it! When you have no intention of rejecting me! Why are you always, to me…”

I carefully removed the small hands covering her ears.

“Yes, that’s true. I don’t have feelings for you right now. I can’t accept your feelings just out of pity.”
“See! Then at least, at least curse at me. Say you don’t want anything to do with a b*tch like me, that you never liked me from the beginning. At least let me give up…!”
“But that’s because I haven’t tried to get to know the person named Yu Garyeon properly.”

I won’t run away with flimsy excuses without even trying anymore. That’s what I vowed. No, I was sick and tired of it.

Yu Garyeon’s struggles in my arms ceased.

“…If you’re just pitying me now, then stop.”
“That’s not it. I’m doing this because I want to.”
“Lies…”
“What lies? In the first place, what man wouldn’t be interested in a woman who confessed to him?”

I didn’t have feelings for Yu Garyeon not because I disliked her, but because I never had the chance.

Seolha’s close younger sister, a person whose first impression wasn’t good but who now followed and supported me wholeheartedly, like a real younger sister.
With only that level of perception, I didn’t try to understand the pain she harbored in her heart.

…No, I had never even thought that someone could love me. That’s why, even when I had the chance to know, I might have distorted it and accepted it selfishly.

“But I,”

I drove a wedge between oppa and unni and made things irreparable. That day, even though I knew the woman in the story oppa told me was unni, I gave him the wrong advice out of jealousy.

Yu Garyeon trembled like a sinner making a confession.

“It would be a lie to say what you said then had no effect. But in the end, it was a problem between me and Seolha. It happened because we both avoided talking to each other out of fear.”

While Chae Seolha and I were postponing our conclusion, Yu Garyeon must have been writhing in unimaginable pain.

“Let’s stop talking about who was more wrong or who’s sorry and digging up the past.”

So, here, I’ll just return the words she said to me before.

“More than that, I want to know about you now.”
“Ugh… ah…”
“Let’s start over. As friends, slowly…”

A wave washes over. Fiercely, very fiercely.
But I have no intention of being swept away.