Chapter 43: Fantasy in the middle of the night

“Black Bear, clean up.”

With that curt order, we left behind the music room soaked in blood.

As the door closed, Izana hooked her arm through mine like we were close friends. I awkwardly accepted it.

I’m still grateful to her, but every time I look at her, I wonder—why does she want to get so close to me?

We’re of different nationalities, different races… What about me, this miserable wreck, is worth her attention?

These days, I’ve come to hate myself more and more.
When I glance to the side, there’s that face again—beaming like the sun from the Teletubbies ending.
It’s hard to believe this is the same girl who just shot a person without hesitation.
Maybe she’s not sane either.

And if I’m calmly linking arms with someone like that, maybe I’m just as broken.
Honestly, we’ve already crossed a river too wide to return from.
Any right to talk about what’s “normal” or not? Long gone.

“Sia?”
“…”
“…Sorry. That was a little intense, wasn’t it?”
“…It wasn’t your fault.”

Yeah. It wasn’t Izana’s fault. Seon-ah’s the crazy one.
Not just a little unhinged—completely out of her mind and warped beyond belief.
Izana didn’t do anything wrong. The real idiot is me, still hesitating because she was once my old friend.
A spineless, useless idiot.

I know that. I know that.
But the gloom won’t lift, so I just part my lips slightly, as if about to say something.
Maybe I’d stand a little taller if I had some alcohol in me.

Victor Hugo once said: “God gave us water, but man gave us wine.”
And since wine tastes better, does that make humans greater than God?

“Hmm… You seem to be in a bit of a mood, Sia. In that case… I’ll give you this.”
“What is it?”

Like I’d know. I grumbled under my breath, listing every type of alcohol I could think of as my gloom grew more obvious.

Maybe it bothered her, because Izana dug through her jacket pocket.
Soon, a paper envelope appeared—puffed up in the middle like something was stuffed inside.

“Magic Mushwooms—Oops, did I say ‘Magic Mushrooms’? Nah, just normal mushrooms. The kind Native Americans liked to eat. They’re sweet, and they make you feel really good!”

Mushrooms? Out of nowhere? From your pocket?
From the moment I met you, you’ve always defied my expectations.

Izana still wore that innocent, radiant smile.
Now that I think about it, that’s the face she always wears around me.

A sunshine smile. Too cliché a phrase.
Still… if only I could be that happy too.

“Thanks.”

I snatched the white envelope, stuffed it into my pocket, and refused her insistence to walk me home.
Then I trudged off alone.

The sunset glowed a slow, warm orange. Beautiful and suffocating.
I wanted something different. A color that didn’t exist.
I wanted to tear it all to shreds.

The smoke I exhaled stuck to the insides of my body.
Lost in a red-colored daydream, I walked and walked—
until eventually, I was standing in front of the door to my house.

“…Sia? You’re back? Did you eat—”
“I already ate.”

I brushed off my sister’s worried question and slammed the door to my room.
A tiny pang of guilt stirred, but whatever. This isn’t the first time.
By now, she should be used to her only sibling being a moody wreck.

Still… I love my sister. Whether she’s a big sister or an older sibling, whatever.

I pulled the envelope out from my pocket.
Ripped it open with clumsy fingers. Out fell a few mushrooms.
So they really were mushrooms.
Dry and shriveled to the point of sadness.
Not appetizing at all. But Izana gave them to me. So if I don’t eat them… If I don’t eat them…

Eyes shut tight, I swallowed them all in one go.

“Huuuh…”

A wave of nausea and laziness hit me.
Anger and calmness. Dizziness and peace.
My dry tongue swelled like it had been stung by a bee.
My spine arched into the shape of the McDonald’s golden arches. Or maybe it stiffened.

As if I were on the verge of death, flashes of different scenes passed through my head.

Then—
The image of Seon-ah, soaked in blood, seen briefly over a man’s shoulder.

So red.
That scene kept flashing in my mind, even on the way home.

And yet now, I didn’t feel like throwing up.
Even when I imagined Seon-ah wrapping a severed head in gift wrap, it didn’t disgust me.

“Guess I’m not going to school tomorrow…”

It was messed up, but…
That night, I felt happier than I had the night before.

The next morning.

The sun was already high in the sky, but I hadn’t gotten out of bed.
I just lay there, eyes wide open, not moving.

I heard rustling from the living room, but didn’t get up.

Silence settled over the house.
Was it always this quiet?

It felt like even my heart was being coated in that stillness.
But my thoughts wouldn’t stop.
Like a dam had burst. Overflowing endlessly.

Then—

Ding-dong.

A cheerful chime rang out.

Like a man’s morning routine, I jolted upright.

“Guten Morgen! Good morning!”

Wearing the same clothes I slept in, I threw open the door—
and there was Izana, smiling radiantly.

Her sun-kissed blonde hair and pearly white teeth sparkled even more brightly than usual.
Why the hell had she come to my house?

“You’ve got time, right, Sia? Let’s go to the amusement park!”
“Ugh… no thanks…”
“Ehhh?!”