Chapter 43: Can You Touch Me?

“Ugh…”

‘Dizzy… nauseous… Yujin… save me…’

“There aren’t many people on the streets today. Is it because it’s a weekday afternoon?”

Cars and buses filling the wide road, wide enough for four cars to pass. People crossing the crosswalk.

Traces of destruction here and there on the streets, a few people in every building…

‘Is this… considered few people?’

“Seoa? Are you okay?”

‘From Yujin’s perspective, I must look like a foolish, swaying paper doll.’

‘It seems I haven’t changed at all since the day I first followed Yujin out.’

‘At least in this regard.’

‘Trembling just because there are a few more people on the street… I can’t stand how ridiculous I am.’

‘At least, thanks to getting used to the outside world, the outside world under the sun, by following her around, I wasn’t as queasy as I was on the first day, to the point where I couldn’t do anything.’

‘But again, an inner fear rises.’

‘The endlessly repeating idling, the impulse I forcefully stuffed down last night, the dizziness urging me to run out and kill someone right now.’

“I’m fine.”

The warm heat transmitted through our clasped hands.

“I’ll always be by your side. But if it gets a little tough, you have to tell me, okay?”

“Yeah… thank you.”

About the warmth that always calms me, as always, I could only answer with a stiff voice, lacking eloquence.

“Here, take this.”

I accepted the offered menu in a flustered state.

“This is my first time here too, so I’m not sure what’s good. How about it, is there anything you want to eat?”

‘Menu, menu…’

‘A chandelier hanging from the ceiling, yellowish, subdued lighting, the scent of flowers filling the room, the scent of drinks, a sweet scent.’

‘It’s a cafe with an awkward atmosphere, as if it’s a place I shouldn’t be.’

‘A cafe. It’s my first time. I’ve seen it on TV, but…’

‘It’s so awkward to rely on knowledge from a TV I don’t even watch attentively, just have on as background noise.’

‘Even if I open the menu and look at it closely, I don’t know what anything is.’

‘There are pictures and descriptions, but I’ve never seen or eaten the real thing.’

‘While active as Sanguine Obsidia, I even have the foolish thought that if I was going to commit crimes anyway, I should have just looted stores instead of hiding.’

‘I could tell from the price list that it was quite expensive.’

‘A feeling like my vision is spinning.’

‘I’m embarrassed for some reason, but I have no choice but to ask.’

“Yujin, you know…”

‘The urge to kill has subsided, and I thought I had calmed down.’

‘My face feels like it’s flushing hot. It’s a strange feeling.’

***

It hasn’t even been two months since we met.

I guess I keep forgetting because Seoa is being completed so quickly.

Or is it because I’ve fallen for her that much? I shouldn’t be like this.

Looking back on the time I’ve spent with her for over a month, most of it was spent in the car, at the community support center, and visiting people.

On days off, one of us was often away for personal reasons, and we would explore the ruins together or spend time at home.

I don’t know how she managed to adapt to the path to the community support center, to the point where I’m proud of her, but since she dislikes crowded places and the city center, I had no choice.

That’s why I took a vacation this time to go out and play.

Because it’s necessary to build up enough memories before she’s fully ready and complete.

Because the only person who should give Lee Seoa memories is me.

“Ugh…”

The way she rolls her pitch-black eyes and contemplates is so lovely.

‘This must be her first time in a place like this.’

It’s a cafe with only a few locations in the entire city, and the price of unprocessed coffee or desserts is quite a burden even for me.

It was clear that Seoa had never been to a place like this. I’ve never heard news of a fallen magical girl extorting coffee and sweets.

What if I had brought her to a place like this earlier, bought her expensive food, showed her around the town, bought her clothes, watched movies, and spent time doing things that friends or lovers would commonly do?

‘Hmm, I don’t think that’s it.’

While saying I’ll fill Lee Seoa with Ahn Yujin, to increase the chances of meeting other people, an unspecified number of people, from the beginning.

‘It’s enough to spend time just the two of us, as we have been.’

Still, it’s a little pitiful to see her like this, so purely, not worrying about what to eat, but what is what, even more than a child eating out for the first time.

“Yujin, you know.”

Seoa’s appearance, pointing at the menu with her finger while her face is beet red, is so cute.

“This is… what is it? I’ve seen that on TV…”

Should I call it an unexpected side, or a natural appearance?

For meals, we always ate the lunchbox I packed in the car or somewhere secluded, or ate lightly at a shabby, empty restaurant.

And for dinner, I always made it at home, so she wouldn’t have had a chance to eat something like this.

Before she met me or when I wasn’t around, I don’t know if it’s because she’s a magical girl or if she’s used to starving, but it seems she’s never eaten anything properly.

Before that, well. I wonder if parents who tie up and beat or neglect their child would have even given them raw rice properly.

Now that I’m sure she’s completely dependent on me, I’m bringing her here to build memories, but it might have been better to buy her some sweets.

“…Then I’ll have this.”

What she chose wasn’t a long-named parfait with a lot of stuff in it, but a cookie with nuts.

The cheapest, and the first snack on the menu.

‘Ah.’

‘Looking at the picture, it looks similar to the cookie I gave her back then. To get closer to her for the first time, I hung a nut cookie, left over from making them at the center, on her doorknob.’

‘What were the ingredients?’

‘Peanuts, macadamia nuts, chocolate chips, walnuts, cashews, sugar.’

‘They were all by no means cheap ingredients, but someone had gotten a large quantity of them somewhere, old and close to their expiration date. It was quite delicious.’

‘I’m so glad you liked it, Seoa. I’m so glad that from the first time we met, I had already given you an unforgettable memory.’

‘I hope that from now on, you can fill your empty life with the time we spent together.’

‘The things you should have received from your peers, from your friends, from your family, from the people around you.’

‘I’ll replace them for you, even if it’s simple.’

‘No matter how vast the sea is,’

‘Can it compare to a frog, trapped, leaving its well and seeing a stream, thinking it vast?’

‘A stream, yes. A stream. The memories I give to Lee Seoa.’

‘A thin stream of water that can’t even become a tributary of a river,’

‘But to her, who spent her entire youth trapped in abuse,’

‘And even after that, spent a year trapped in her own world like a garbage dump,’

‘That stream will be a world wider than any ocean.’

‘A person’s memory is often dominated by a few thrilling events rather than a long period of familiarity,’

‘So the memory of facing the sea will remain with her forever.’

‘The fake sea I showed her, a mere illusion that will disappear after a two-day vacation.’

“Wow…”

When I scooped up a spoonful of the white ice cream we ordered together and placed it on top of a cookie, a gasp escaped from Seoa’s mouth.

The way she twinkles her eyes and munches with her small mouth is also lovely.

‘It seems to be true that people need memories.’

‘When feelings pile up, when memories pile up, emotions are born, and expressions become richer.’

‘Just being able to see an unknown side of Seoa, such a lovely expression, is enough for today.’

“Do you want to try this too? It’s real strawberry.”

***

Steaming hot soybean paste stew.

A bowl filled with white rice grains.

Simple side dishes.

“Do you remember when we first met?”

It’s the same meal she first served me for dinner.

‘How could I forget? The touch of your hand that caressed my hand with glass shards in it.’

“Time seems to fly so fast. It’s already been over a month.”

She said that and smiled.

My heart feels light.

It’s like I’m wandering through a dream.

It’s like I’ve become a child.

Today, we walked through the crowded city streets together, ate cookies with a familiar scent in a store I’ve never been in before, ate a dessert I’ve never had before, walked the streets together again,
when I was startled by a passerby, you held my hand,
when I felt tired, we sat on a bench and leaned our heads against each other, sharing our breaths,
we watched the burning sunset disappear beyond the walls of the buildings and laughed,
and returned home to have a dinner filled with warm affection.

‘Now I understand.’

‘What love is.’

My heart is pounding.

‘I can’t live without you.’

‘I’m afraid of being abandoned by you.’

‘I want to get closer to you.’

‘I’m happy when I’m close to you. I think I know what happiness is.’

‘I’m always thinking only of you.’

My heart pounds violently, and a sense of happiness spreads from my toes, stirring my mind.

‘Even though we have the same female body, I can’t live without you. If you reject me, if you abandon me, I feel like I’ll die.’

‘It’s dependence, affection, obsession, friendship, fondness, and love.’

‘Not the kind of love they talk about so lightly on TV shows,’

‘A love where I can rely on you for everything.’

My heart pounds even more violently.

Night fell, and we lay side by side, holding hands, just like yesterday.

But with a slightly different heart than last night.

‘I love you, Yujin.’

I look at those lips.

Those lips, making small breathing sounds, fallen asleep.

‘I want them to touch my lips, not my cheek.’

‘What if I kissed those lips, grabbed that neck and squeezed hard?’

‘The tumor is throbbing.’

‘I can’t show her the form of Sanguine Obsidia, so I can’t kill her with magic.’

‘But it doesn’t seem difficult. I have the physical advantage, so I can just press down on her with my body and strangle her.’

‘If I grab that slender neck, she’ll wake up, flustered, and struggle to pry my hands off.’

‘Blood will flow from her torn lips, from the flesh torn from my body by her fingernails,’

‘And by the time that soft brown hair is stained red,’

‘Ahn Yujin’s breath will be cut off.’

‘It’s throbbing.’

‘Then this impulse will surely subside, and it will be truly, blissfully, pleasantly, blissfully, blissfully…’

‘Ah.’

‘Aah.’

[Obsidia!]

‘Aaaaaaaaaah.’

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!’

[Sanguine Obsidia! Get a grip!]

I strangled myself so that a scream wouldn’t escape.

Perhaps because my fingernails had dug into my skin, I washed the sticky hand, stained with blood and flesh, with magic and hung my head.

‘Hee, heehee… heeheeheehee…’

‘No, this is not, not me.’

‘I was fine all day,’

‘Just because I haven’t killed anyone for two days, this can’t, this can’t be happening.’

‘My thorn, Sanguine Obsidia, is trying to hurt Ahn Yujin.’

[Can’t you hear me?]

Even if I shake my head, even if I tear at my shoulders, even if I dig my nails into my thighs and bleed, the impulse doesn’t disappear.

‘I want to kill. Anyone. Happily, joyfully.’

‘The person I love.’

‘Love. Love…?’

‘This is not it. This is not it.’

‘I can’t escape from here. She’ll find out. I’ll be abandoned. She’ll despise me, hate me. But I can’t show her this side of me either.’

‘Tomorrow morning, if I can just stay like this until morning, it’ll be fine.’

‘The body of a magical girl, the body of a tumor that doesn’t allow its own death, won’t let me die.’

“…!”

I gather my magic in my ankles, in my wrists.

‘Dizzy. My head hurts. I’m dizzy.’

I bit my lips as if to tear them apart, tore the inside of both Achilles tendons, and twisted both wrists.

‘If they’re damaged a little more from here, they won’t be able to recover without using the unique magic of healing.’

‘I damaged my wrists and ankles to the limit of my regenerative ability. So that I can’t hurt her while moving.’

‘And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to damage any other part, afraid of not being able to see her silhouette, of not being able to hear her breathing, of not being able to feel her body heat.’

‘…They’ll probably recover by the time I wake up tomorrow morning.’

‘When I wake up in the morning,’

‘After I go outside, I’ll somehow make an opportunity and kill someone.’

‘I just have to endure until then.’

“Ah…”

A faint breath, her hand on my waist. A hand moved in her sleep, but ‘to me now, it was a very painful touch.’

‘I couldn’t bring myself to touch her body with my trembling hands, so I gathered them in front of my chest and closed my eyes.’

‘Her body heat grows distant,’

‘And the pain in my chest intensifies.’

‘I can’t sleep, but I have to.’

‘Sigh, sigh.’

My breath catches at the small sound of her breathing.

‘I love you.’

‘Please, I hope my love is the same as your love. So…’

‘Will I be able to not kill you?’