Chapter 42: Can you touch me?

A clear sky.

It was morning, and sunlight, diffused by the clouds, brightly illuminated the ground.

Just like a week ago, the steel frames and wood were still covered in green grass and vines.

A single tree stood guard in the clearing, its green deeper now, heralding the start of summer.

A week ago, when I was first led to this place by Yujin’s hand, I confessed many things.

The pain I had endured, a history of suffering without even recognizing it as pain.

I cried and clung to her.

To her, who accepted even someone like me, who talked to me, let me rest my head on her lap, and gave me affection.

And now, a week later, visiting this park for the second time, I had grown closer to her.

I spread a mat on the pleasantly cool grass, sat down with my back against the cool tree trunk, and laid her down on my thighs.

Just as I had rested my head on her lap last time.

The feel of her soft, brown hair, the faint scent of lavender drifting from her hair and collar, carried by the breeze…

‘The thought of keeping my distance was stupid.’

‘All this time, she has always accepted me. Closer, and closer.’

‘She made space for me to get closer, hugged me, and gave me warmth.’

‘She guided me when I was stuck, circling the same spot, about to sink.’

‘With affection, towards a normal life.’

‘But I still don’t know.’

‘The incoherent words circling in my head fail to form sentences, flashing erratically.’

‘Affection, love, distance, magical girl, Sanguine Obsidia.’

‘Every word that comes to mind is a final, remaining distance, a sharp thorn that I can’t confess while looking straight into Yujin’s eyes.’

‘What could she be thinking? About me.’

‘As that question suddenly crossed my mind, I felt the cold from the ground run up my spine.’

‘Have I ever tried to think about what she’s thinking until now?’

‘While being afraid of being abandoned, while trying to measure the distance, have I, who have been escaping into my own inner world, ever tried to find out what she was seriously thinking in each moment?’

‘A question that had crossed my mind several times. But now that I’m aware of it, I can no longer easily dismiss it.’

‘Her chest blocks my view, so I can’t see Yujin’s expression properly.’

‘I can only feel the faint touch of her breath on my leg, and the small, gentle pulse transmitted through our clasped hands.’

‘The hand I’m holding is still warm with the affection she conveys.’

‘That warmth calms my fear, and my subconscious begins to seek escape from the fear that will surely come again.’

‘What I’m thinking about is my chest, which is blocking my view.’

‘It’s quite large, but there’s a disgusting lump stuck in the middle of it.’

‘I’ve never once thought seriously about my body or been conscious of it, but as I started to question my own feelings for Yujin, it began to bother me.’

‘Would she like my body? I’ve never shown my completely naked body to Yujin.’

‘Objectively, I think I have a good figure, but I have no one to compare it to, so I can’t be sure.’

‘Besides, it’s a body of the same s*x, is there any point in thinking about this?’

‘If she doesn’t like it, or if, like during the battle in the warehouse, the tumor, that disgusting lump, swallows my upper body and she sees its grotesque form…’

“Seoa?”

I swallow hard, and my grip on her hand tightens.

Yujin, still lying down, tries to stroke my head with her other hand, but her arm touches my chest, making the posture awkward.

“…It’s, it’s nothing.”

I could only make an excuse, followed by an awkward silence.

“I took some time off.”

She lets out a light breath, her voice calm as if trying to soothe my anxiety.
“It’s only for two days, and we can’t go anywhere far… but there are many places with nice scenery nearby. Even if they’re just ruins.”

“Monsters might appear, they said the demons were plotting something…”

I blurted out something useless out of my displaced anxiety. Even though I just hunted down and killed a demon the day before yesterday.

“You’ll protect me, right?”

She didn’t use the word “magic,” but her eyes were filled with clear trust.

She had lifted her head at some point, and her smiling face as she met my eyes was so lovely that I was at a loss for words, feeling only the pounding of my heart.

“It’s a short time, and we won’t be able to do much, but.”

She clasps her hands over mine.

“Let’s make memories, just the two of us. Because this world could turn to ash at any moment, let’s make memories that will remain in our minds until the very last moment, not material things that will lose their form and disappear…”

She said this in a whispering voice.

“Thank you, I feel so much more comfortable. I didn’t know lying with my head on someone’s lap felt this good.”

Along with the soft touch of her lips on my cheek, a warm hug, a cool hand on my back.

Swoooosh-

The sun had risen high by now, and the only sound in my ears was the wind washing away the morning from the branches and grass that were now under the shadow of a cloud.

Only then did I hear the chirping of insects, the sound of rustling leaves falling, the sound of wind flowing through the cracks in the ruined rubble.

And as all those sounds fell silent again, I heard a throbbing heartbeat.

The regular sound of two heartbeats, resonating together from our pressed chests.

“…One more time.”

I said, as if mesmerized, my voice trailing off in embarrassment.

‘On the lips, if you don’t mind.’

***

For some reason, I started laughing.

‘Of course, she’s just so lovely.’

Just like last time, when I stopped stroking her hair as she lay on my lap, she grabbed my hand and pulled it back to her head.

Then she got up, sat next to me with her back against the tree, pointed to her own thighs, and told me to lie down, saying it was her turn this time.

‘She’s still clumsy, still awkward as if she can’t gauge distance well, but her body and actions are bold, bringing her closer and closer to me.’

‘So lovely, to the point where I feel like I might completely fall for Lee Seoa.’

I lay with my head on her lap, feeling the softness of her chest against my face and smelling the same faint lavender scent as mine.

And I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

A communion between us that has now become a daily routine.

‘A moment where only Seoa feels one-sided affection, and for me, a moment of communion where I can gauge her progress.’

‘But this time was a little different; Seoa asked for a second kiss.’

‘I could no longer look at her shy gaze, her eyes slightly averted as if embarrassed, with a cold, detached perspective.’

“Hyaht…?”

I hugged her and nuzzled her cheek.

A surprised groan escaped from her completely frozen body.

‘Even the look of disappointment that spread across her face when I gave the second kiss on her cheek was lovely.’

‘When will it be?’

‘The moment you fully realize your feelings and confess your love to me.’

‘Will that moment come first, or will you confess your identity to me first?’

‘I was proud that I knew the human heart inside and out, but that was just vain arrogance.’

‘Even if I know and can predict what Seoa wants, what she’s thinking, and how she’ll act, I don’t know when she’ll do what, or what she’ll do first.’

‘I didn’t expect her to ask for a second kiss right now, an indirect request for a real kiss, at that.’

‘Even if you try to seize and control another person’s life, it seems people can’t ultimately escape the control of hormones, desires, and instincts.’

‘Including me, whose love for Lee Seoa is boiling over.’

‘That’s why she is my masterpiece.’

‘I don’t think I can deceive my own heart any longer. My goal of devouring all of her, of completing her by filling her entirely with myself, remains the same, but I am definitely in love with her.’

“I like you.”

And so, unable to hold back, I whispered into her ear.

Taller than me, yet she trembled violently like a small cat.

“Me too, Yujin, I like…”

“That’s why… let’s stay friends.”

I pushed her away again, just as she finally opened her mouth, her face blushing.

‘I can’t accept your feelings that haven’t yet been solidified, haven’t yet been named.’

‘You can’t just present a block of marble dug from the ground and call it a statue, can you?’

‘There’s still time, so worry, think, and finally realize what these feelings you have for me are.’

‘And when you can finally put the name ‘love’ to it yourself, tell me.’

‘So you can offer that feeling, which has become your everything, entirely to me, and fill your empty life—the life of a child abandoned to abuse, violence, and neglect—completely with Ahn Yujin.’

‘…It’s a goal I remind myself of every moment I look at her, but now, the time of completion seems near.’

‘A confession of love, a confession of identity.’

‘If you just try a little harder, if you trust me a little more, if you can escape even a little from the fear of being abandoned by me, I’ll be able to hear both from your lips within a few days. It’s really not long now.’

I was so happy that I burst out laughing in front of Seoa.

‘I like that you’ll accept even this vile laughter as a precious memory.’

***

It’s all jumbled.

My head, my thoughts, my feelings, they all seem to be mixing together.

‘This can’t be happening.’

Her soft, steady breathing.

In the dark room, my heart is put at ease by Ahn Yujin’s silhouette, illuminated by the faint light filtering in from outside, and by the sound of her shallow breathing.

‘This way… this can’t go on.’

‘I can’t be swept away by the impulse again, the impulse forcing me to kill someone, the desire to gain pleasure from killing someone.’

‘She said it today, didn’t she? That we should sleep together, spend the night together.’

‘Today, right, what happened today?’

‘We went out early in the morning, walked along the trail, spent time under the shade of the tree in the green clearing,’

‘I received a kiss on the cheek, ate the sandwiches we brought for lunch with a slight sense of disappointment,’

‘We drove through the ruins in an old car, walked and talked together against the backdrop of an abandoned hospital, a collapsed school, an apartment complex covered in lush greenery.’

‘We didn’t encounter any monsters, any magical girls, or anyone else.’

‘It was a time that felt as if we were the only two left in the world after everything had perished.’

‘My heart pounded.’

‘As time passed, the beating of my heart was replaced by the throbbing of the tumor. The impulse is boiling up. I can’t even remember what Yujin made for dinner, or what it tasted like.

Even though I ate it just a few hours ago. This impulse, this murderous intent, it’s not mine, is it? It’s being forced on me by this disgusting lump that has taken root inside me.’

‘So, I have to endure it.’

‘The result wasn’t good, but I succeeded in holding back for a week before, didn’t I?’

‘One day should be fine. For just one day, it should be okay to think only of my time with Yujin and nothing else, right?’

‘Ah, I want to go out right now, trample some nameless person, drench myself in the blood gushing from their heart, and laugh mockingly.’

[You can endure it. Being ecstatic about killing people is not your true self. Return to being a magical girl, Sanguine Obsidia.]

‘Right, they’re just empty words, but I have to believe them. I’ll believe you this time, Spooky.’

‘At least for now, right now, I don’t want to show her my hideous side.’

Instead of holding her hand while lying facing her, I placed my hand on her back.

On the hard, creaking bed, our bodies closer, her body heat, her breath, her heartbeat grew closer,
and the throbbing in my chest, and the pain, subsides.

‘When I fall asleep, a tomorrow like today will begin. When I wake up, there will be brown hair, brown eyes…’