Chapter 41: Loss

“Seo-yeon! Over here, here!”

A lovely voice called out from the distance.

As soon as I slightly lifted my head from the ground, I saw Han-sia.

I always think about this.

Is there really anyone who wouldn’t fall for Han-sia?

First, her looks.

Even from another girl’s perspective, Han-sia was stunning.

Flawless, pale skin like she’d only ever lived off morning dew.

Golden eyes that sparkled so much they made you feel like she was something sacred.

“You’re early today.”

“…Yeah.”

“I was going to scold you if you were late like the old days, but looks like I won’t have to.”

If I hadn’t already known what lay beneath her surface, I definitely would’ve fallen helplessly for her too.

That’s just how charming Han-sia was.

So much so that even the original protagonist—who’d already lost interest in me—had fallen for her.

Han-sia, who was staring at me, reached up and gently touched her head like she was thinking hard.

“Hmm… It’s been so long since it was just the two of us—I don’t even know what to do together.”

“You said in your message that we’d just meet briefly because of your treatment…”

“Right! But let’s go to a café, just the two of us!”

“…”

Just as I expected, Han-sia had zero intention of actually listening to anything I said.

Still, this felt kind of rude.

I was standing right here and she was treating me like I was invisible.

If this is how she was going to be, why bother calling me out at all?

She was the one who asked me to come—why ignore me now?

“…Fine.”

And yet, the words that came out of my mouth were words of agreement.

Because I already knew none of this meant anything anyway.

“I knew you’d say yes! Seo-yeon always liked hanging out with me!”

“…Yeah.”

Because I knew no matter what I said, Han-sia would ignore it.

Because I knew no matter what I did, the outcome would never change.

Without saying anything more, I let myself be led by Han-sia.

Hand-in-hand, like we were truly best friends.

---

The place she took me to was a quiet café.

It had a cute, youthful interior—like something younger girls would like.

…Even though it was prime time for customers, we were the only ones there.

“Sia.”

“Hm? You called me?”

“Is this place…”

“Ah, you figured it out! I booked the whole café so we could have it all to ourselves!”

F*cking crazy b*tch.

If making me curse every time I talk to her is a talent, then she’s incredibly gifted.

How much money does she even have to throw around for this kind of insane stunt?

“…”

Was it just my imagination?

I wasn’t even cold, but I felt my body trembling slightly.

No—it wasn’t just my imagination.

‘I’ was clearly afraid of what was about to happen.

The memory was still fresh.

After the group project with Christina ended, I was tortured by Han-sia in the infirmary.

She beat me.

Then healed me.

Then beat me again.

And healed me again.

Should we call this pure, unfiltered human malice?

One thing was clear—no normal person would ever do something like that.

Unaware of the thoughts in my head, Han-sia beamed and asked brightly:

“What do you want to drink, Seo-yeon?”

“What about you?”

“Hm? I’ll just get what I always drink. Don’t worry about me—pick whatever you like.”

“…Then I’ll just have a coffee.”

Han-sia gave me a knowing smile and stood up, heading toward the counter.

She was probably going to order the drinks we just talked about.

It was such an obvious move that there was no need to say it out loud.

“…Haa.”

More than anything, I was worried about my own safety.

Yeah, this place felt dangerous.

A café with no one in it except for the staff? Way too risky.

No way this wasn’t a setup.

After all, I knew the real Han-sia better than anyone.

I knew things about her that even Kim Soo-ho, Christina, and everyone else didn’t.

And Han-sia knew that I knew.

There had to be a reason.

There had to be a reason she wanted to see me less than two hours after I got back from the infirmary.

“…It must be because of Kim Soo-ho.”

And I had a pretty good guess what that reason was.

With Han-sia’s connections and info network, she would’ve heard everything.

Why I collapsed again.

Who the last person I saw was before I collapsed.

Han-sia was obsessed with Kim Soo-ho.

She was more than just obsessed—she was deranged and possessive when it came to him.

Just because I was closer to him than she had been in the past.

Just because, in the past, I’d been a little closer to him than she was, she still kept me under surveillance.

So would someone like her…

Would someone like her really hear about all this and do nothing?

Not a chance.

I’d sooner believe that Christina and Kim Soo-ho genuinely wanted to be my friends.

I just didn’t show it outwardly.

I controlled myself, hiding the fact that I was trembling with fear.

Poker face.

I learned how to act unfazed to survive in this place.

Even when what happened to me was unfair.

Even when what I went through made me want to cry.

I pretended like it didn’t bother me.

More accurately—I brainwashed myself into believing I was fine.

It worked surprisingly well.

I even heard someone once say that bullying me wasn’t any fun because my face didn’t change.

To avoid being exposed.

To hide my fear, to hide my feelings.

I slowly learned how to act like I didn’t care.

I slowly erased from my mind the method of showing emotions.

There weren’t many side effects.

I just… forgot how to feel.

I couldn’t remember what happiness felt like.

Even if I racked my brain for hours, I couldn’t recall what joy used to be.

Still, I thought that was a good thing.

Because not knowing how to feel meant I wouldn’t get hurt.

Some people say emotions are the most important part of being human.

And they’re not wrong.

It’s through emotions that we connect with others, that we understand them.

But flip that around, and it means someone who doesn’t want to connect or understand others doesn’t need emotions.

Someone who isn’t hungry doesn’t need food.

Someone who isn’t thirsty doesn’t need water.

Same idea.

Someone who has no intention of living with others doesn’t need emotions.

For me.

I don’t need emotions.

Because I know full well there’s no one who’ll live alongside me.

There’s no one in this world who’ll laugh with me when I’m happy, or cry for me when I’m sad.

That’s why.

That’s why I let my emotions fade.

It didn’t feel tragic.

I didn’t cry.

Because I’d already lost them.

I didn’t even have the emotions left to feel sad about losing them.

I didn’t think it was a bad thing.

Sometimes I even thought it was a relief.

There’s nothing harder than crying alone.

And I knew better than anyone how hard it was to cry alone in the dark.

Humans hate getting hurt.

And I was no different.

“Seo-yeon! I brought your coffee!”

“…Thanks.”

“You’re welcome! But hey, this place has some pretty weird stuff too, huh?”

“…Yeah?”

Whether the pain was emotional or physical,

Of course no one liked being hurt.

But seriously…

Why would something like that be in a café?

Then again, I wasn’t surprised anymore.

She was the kind of lunatic who’d rent out a whole café just to be alone with me.

So really, was it that strange for her to come back from picking up our drinks holding ropes and a whip?

“Should we try this one today?”

“…”

“Last time you said it hurt, so I only used my hands… but today should be fine, right?”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Han-sia walked over like a waiter, carrying both our drinks and torture devices on a tray.

I couldn’t stop laughing.

And I had to fight hard to keep my expression from crumbling.

Stay calm.

This isn’t anything new.

This happens all the time.

Han-sia hurting Seo-yeon—no, me—is nothing new.

So please.

Don’t lose your composure.

Smile just a little.

Don’t tremble.

You’re Lee Seo-yeon, Han-sia’s best friend.

I’m Lee Seo-yeon, Han-sia’s best friend.

Sia is just doing this because she cares.

It’s not because she hates me or because she’s angry I was near Soo-ho for even a moment.

Sia is a good person.

She’s kind to everyone—a true saint.

I’m the one who’s messed up.

I’m the strange one.

I’m the broken one, and that’s why someone angelic like Sia wants to fix me.

You know that saying.

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

I’m just the disobedient child.

And Sia, who cares about me, is just worried.

That’s all this is.

That’s all it ever is—so don’t do anything.

Nothing will change anyway.

No matter what I do, nothing changes—so stay still.

No matter what I do, nothing will change—so stay still.

You can do it, right?

You can handle it.

Right?

Lee Seo-yeon. No… me.

I believe in you.

I believe in me.

More than anyone in the world.

Because if I don’t believe in me, who will?

…Not like anyone else does anyway.

Still.

At least I believe in me.