Chapter 38: END. Do You Want to Meet Again?

“The streets weren’t quiet. There were too many people walking around for it to be silent for just the two of us, and everyone was making noise for their own reasons.

Even so, for some reason, I felt like this street had become quite quiet.

” ….. ”

I felt like I should say something more, but the words wouldn’t come out.

He seemed to be the same way. He hadn’t lost his smile, but he had a troubled look on his face, repeating the action of trying to open his mouth and then stopping.

“…That’s…”

Then I should be the one to speak first.

Because I’d already made him wait too much, for too long.

“…That’s why I broke up with Hanbyeol.”

So this time, I have to speak first.

So that he doesn’t have to wait for me anymore.

“When I first received a confession from Hanbyeol… I was taken aback. I never dreamed that I could be liked by someone.”

I thought I would live alone forever. Or get married semi-forcibly to someone introduced by my parents.

Thorns that grew out of my innate nature, my innate sexual orientation. I never imagined that there would be someone who would approach me, willing to risk being pricked by those thorns.

“So… I was so flustered… I couldn’t bring myself to reject it. That confession…”

My mind went blank. The sweetness I had never heard even from my parents was a dizzying poison to me.

By the time I came to my senses, he was already my lover.

Seeing him beaming with pure, childlike joy, I couldn’t bring myself to say let’s pretend this never happened.

“…People think of me as strong and meticulous.”

That’s putting it nicely, but I know best what my real reputation is.

A character-flawed person who talks back to superiors and harasses subordinates. A workaholic who says everything that comes to mind, you can’t tell if they’re human or a machine.

“I know I brought it on myself, and it’s all my fault. To some extent… I even intended it.”

What I, who didn’t know how to treat people, chose was a kind of defense mechanism.

Building walls, growing thorns. So that no one would dare to have feelings for me.

That was comfortable, and I thought it was right. Because my brain and way of thinking, deeply ingrained with my father’s teachings, didn’t think I could have normal relationships.

“But I’m… neither strong nor meticulous.”

An iron man.

The fool who had only grown in body while trapped in a cage tried to resemble the image of the iron man that his parents wanted.

But cosplay is just cosplay. Behind the mask of the iron man was just an indecisive person who couldn’t even make proper choices on his own, whether it was for trivial or important matters.

“I’m too foolish to properly take care of my own body, too stupid to feed the cat I’m raising on time, and so timid that it’s hard to even say a word, whether it’s this way or that way.”

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything I haven’t learned. I’m afraid of people, and I’m afraid of love.

“So… I couldn’t say it.”

That created the tragedy. My indecisiveness carved a huge scar in your heart. I was afraid to see you smiling pitifully with that deeply gouged wound, so I turned away again.

“I’m… a hideous person.”

How could I be so hideous and selfish?

What should I do with this idiot who hesitates, inflicts a wound, and then hesitates again?

…But.

“I know I don’t even deserve to say this…”

Knowing that, I stood before him again to say something terribly selfish.

Like a child throwing a tantrum because they want something, to grab him and beg.

Be honest. To you and to me.

I don’t really know if this is what Se-young intended, but.

“Still… I felt like I had to say it at least once.”

At least this is better than not being able to say anything properly and agonizing alone, making him frustrated.

“I like you, Seo Hanbyeol.”

I don’t care if I receive hatred or contempt.

No, it might be easier if he hated me, if he cursed me as a selfish b*tch. Mentally.

“I…”

This is… a confession.

“..I like you.”

A confession to you, to me.

” ….. ”

The only thought that flashed through my mind at that moment was one word.

It’s over.

Our relationship, the relationship between Cha Hye-won and Seo Hanbyeol, was completely over with this.

As friends, as past lovers.

The feeling of cutting off that tie with my own hands… to be honest, I didn’t feel anything.

Should I say I was dazed, or relieved? A slightly bitter feeling was about to creep in, but then it didn’t.

It was like looking up at a sky with just the right amount of clouds. Not completely clear, not completely cloudy, just a few clouds floating around.

What’s the reason? Is it because I don’t have anything in my hands anymore?

In the past, I held everything. The thread, the needle to sew the thread, and the scissors to cut it off.

But now I’ve thrown it all away. All I have is a severed thread.

Now everything is with him. Everything depends on him.

That’s why I tried to act as nonchalant as possible, looking down and watching him as if he were lost in thought or contemplation.

――

Our relationship… I don’t think it’s normal, even as a platitude.

It wasn’t abnormal from the beginning. Until I confessed to her, it was a relationship that could be found anywhere.

But she couldn’t reject my confession and met me while hiding a secret.

That’s when it started. When our relationship started to go wrong.

I shouldn’t have confessed to her.

She shouldn’t have accepted my confession.

The longing of opening my eyes to love for the first time didn’t even think about calmly cooling down the heat and suddenly took out my pounding heart and showed it to her, and the coward’s timidity was even afraid to reject that longing.

That was our first divergence. From the beginning, we were looking in different directions.

She couldn’t love a man.

She was a woman programmed to love the same woman.

I loved him as a woman, but she couldn’t love me as a man.

Perhaps, for her, I was an existence with two aspects. ‘Person’ and ‘Man’.

Cha Hye-won could love Seo Hanbyeol as a person, but she couldn’t love Seo Hanbyeol as a man.

But since the person Seo Hanbyeol and the man Seo Hanbyeol cannot be separated, she must have chosen to break up with me in the end.

But something that seemed impossible happened. The man Seo Hanbyeol disappeared, and only the person Seo Hanbyeol remained.

She… felt affection for the person Seo Hanbyeol. That feeling made our already tangled relationship even more complicated.

If she hadn’t distinguished between the person Seo Hanbyeol and the man Seo Hanbyeol from the beginning… would this misfortune not have happened in the first place?

I don’t know. Now that I think about it, I wonder if that’s so important.

I’m tired of it now. Of pleasing people.

Of course, whether I’m tired of it or not, I’ll have to continue pleasing people in the future. To be told that I’m good at social life.

But this time, just this once.

I wonder if I can do whatever I want, just between the two of us.

“…It was a long and winding road. I’m so dizzy from going around in circles.”

To have suffered so much for so long, just to hear those words.

“I’m grateful that you told me honestly, even now. Although I also think it’s too… late.”

When I actually heard it, I didn’t feel that good. I thought I would feel relieved or refreshed, or so happy that I would fly away, but what should I say…

“I don’t feel anything.”

I’m just dazed. Muffled, as if drunk on sleep, as if submerged in water.

I think it’s closer to emptiness than relief. I wonder if the words ‘I like you’ were so difficult to hear.

“….Older sister.”

“…Yes?”

“Would it be more appropriate to call you Older sister now? That’s a bit…”

“I, I think you can do whatever you want…”

The past title that came out unconsciously lingers in my mouth. Like a round song.

“Then I’ll just call you Older sister. It’s still more comfortable for me…”

Those were the words I used to say when I loved her. Unlike then, now… the feeling is very different.

“We can’t go back to the way we were completely. You know that too, Older sister, right?”

“…I know.”

We can’t go back to the time when we didn’t know anything. Because now we know everything.

The temperature of our hearts has cooled down a bit, and now all sorts of complicated problems are scattered all over our simple relationship.

“It’s probably going to be hard. Maybe not for me, but for Older sister.”

If you want a passionate and pure love like then, I won’t be able to live up to that expectation.

“We might fight even more fiercely than before, and we might break up soon.”

Knowing each other means having more weapons to tear each other apart.

The moment we wield the weapons we grab while our emotions are running high and resentment blinds us, weapons that we didn’t even know existed before, that’s when our relationship will reach a point of no return.

Tired and cooled down. To each other. To the world.

The heat has decreased, and the dangers have increased.

“….Well..”

…Still.

“It would be a shame to end it for just that reason, right?”

Because the embers haven’t completely gone out yet.

Because there are still embers left in the ashes.

“So…”

Let’s burn it again. This time together.

Let’s rekindle it. A small campfire.

Again…

“Do you want to meet again?”