Chapter 37: When My Thirst Finally Ends

I thought it was right to let him go.

I tried to let go of my lingering feelings for That person and release him.

Because That person was someone who belonged in the vast, blue sky, rather than a cramped, old Cage.

Who he meets is no longer my concern.

Because the fate of a bird that has flown out of its Cage is determined only by the bird itself.

That’s why I tried to open the door of the Cage. Because I thought he was too precious for someone like me to hold onto.

“T, Team Leader, why are you here…?”

“…Th, that’s…”

But why am I here now?

Han Se-young.

I don’t know if she has feelings for Seo Hanbyeol. Being a sexual minority means, literally, a minority—few in number.

If she’s a typical heterosexual, she wouldn’t have feelings for another woman. Even if she found out that Seo Hanbyeol was originally a man.

But if she’s like me, or someone similar…

Then I thought she might have a fondness for Seo Hanbyeol, That person.

He’s someone who can get along with anyone. Unlike me.

That person is generous enough to smile freely even at me, who’s always been aloof.

If Han Se-young does have feelings for him, I hope that someday Han Se-young’s name will be written in his heart.

I sincerely thought so.

That’s why, when she asked to borrow a little of my time after work, I was surprised when she abruptly gave me rough advice throughout that short time.

To be honest.

I was initially bewildered by her demanding honesty from me with a face that seemed to have made a firm decision about something.

What should I be honest about? To whom should I be honest?

She said to be honest with myself and with the person I love.

I couldn’t understand why the word “love” suddenly came out of her mouth at first, but I soon realized.

She knows, at least to some extent.

Is this really what she intended?

Maybe I’m misinterpreting her words and causing unnecessary trouble.

I hesitated, but in the end, I didn’t turn back.

She told me to be honest. To me.

“Th…how did you get here…?”

“That’s…”

If that meant, “How did you manage to pick me up on time?” I could answer that it wasn’t that difficult.

Because he reported to me the process of going down to Daejeon and coming back up, everything that happened in between. Even what time train he took and when he arrived.

So, picking him up at the time the train arrived wasn’t that difficult. The problem is…

“No, why…?”

If it means, “Why did you even come to pick me up?” then the story changes.

My relationship with him, setting aside everything that happened in the past, is just that of a boss and subordinate working at the same company. That’s it.

It’s not like he’s the only subordinate I have. Is there any reason to pick up an employee who just went to his hometown and came back?

Of course, if there’s a family event, the company might offer condolences in the company’s name or something. That much is only human decency, even between a boss and a subordinate.

But as it turned out, nothing happened in his family. The car accident was a lie, and he deliberately revealed the truth and took time off to stay in his hometown.

A boss picking up a junior employee who came back from a good rest, on the weekend, meeting outside of work. Could there be anything more terrible in the world?

“…Th, I have something to say.”

“Something to say…? If it’s a personal matter, that’s fine, but I’m not really up for work talk…”

Fortunately, he showed embarrassment and bewilderment at this sudden situation, but he didn’t refuse my request.

“…Could you spare me some time?”

“Uh…now? At this hour?”

…I guess a superior’s request can’t be heard as a request.

“Um…sure, why not. I happen to have something I want to talk about too…”

But he soon smiled and said, approaching closer.

“Shall we walk together?”

---

Seo Hanbyeol likes to take walks.

It doesn’t seem to be just because exercise is a hobby, but probably because of his easygoing personality.

He’s that kind of person. Someone who maintains his leisurely pace alone in an era that’s only getting faster. Someone who goes against the world that demands speed.

It’s a personality that could be seen as frustrating, but people didn’t dislike him. Rather, they liked him.

Because he was one of the few people who could match his pace to others.

Fast next to someone walking fast, slow next to someone walking slow.

People liked him because he was always walking alongside them. I was the same.

“♪”

Even now, he seems to be walking ahead, but he keeps glancing back.

Looking at me behind him, he adjusts his speed to my pace. Even as he walks leisurely, he’s considerate of me.

“We used to walk often, didn’t we? Like this, just the two of us.”

“…We did.”

I know better than anyone what period he’s referring to when he says “used to.”

Because the only time I, a workaholic obsessed with work, went on outings, especially with someone, was once.

“Do you know that you were really scary back then, Team Leader? You looked more uncomfortable than usual, so I couldn’t even talk to you properly and just kept watching you.”

“…I don’t really like outdoor activities…”

It seems my expression wasn’t very good back then. I didn’t realize it myself.

Of course, even if what he’s saying is true, the reason my expression was sour back then probably wasn’t him. It was probably because of my weak body and my dislike of going outside.

“Was I lacking in consideration?”

“No, you can’t expect someone to know something you didn’t tell them.”

He was the one who led the conversation back then. I didn’t usually talk much outside of work, and there wasn’t really a topic I could bring up first.

No, there were topics. Trivial and not-so-trivial things, but I just didn’t say them.

He only found out about my weak constitution and family history long after we broke up, when I collapsed from overwork, so you could say that I didn’t really tell him anything while we were dating.

“I used to…want to know so much about you, Team Leader. You were a tight-lipped person.”

“I see…”

A bitter smile bloomed on his face as he turned his head. As if he were dwelling on an unhappy past.

“I wanted to know. What does this person like and dislike? What do I have to do to win this person’s heart?”

“…”

He tried. To love me and to be loved by me. I know that well.

“I don’t think all of that was meaningless…or maybe I just want to think that way.”

“It wasn’t meaningless…”

Clearly, his actions had an effect. The heart that I thought would never move moved little by little.

The reason I told him to break up was for that reason. It’s a ridiculous excuse, but still.

“I…loved Hanbyeol.”

I loved Seo Hanbyeol.

“I shouldn’t have loved him, but I did.”

I loved someone I couldn’t love.

“What…do you mean?”

“..I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m saying.”

I loved someone I couldn’t love, and because I loved him, I couldn’t love him.

I loved Seo Hanbyeol as a person, but I couldn’t love Seo Hanbyeol as a man.

“I liked everything about Hanbyeol. Except for one thing.”

“That one thing must have been big enough to make everything else meaningless.”

“….Yes.”

I love him. I don’t love him. I love him while not loving him.

Lost in those paradoxical words and tangled emotions, I couldn’t move in any direction.

That’s me. That’s Cha Hyewon.

“Then what about now?”

“…”

My words caught in my throat.

Because what makes me even more pathetic than I already am is right now, the me of now.

“…Team Leader.”

He stopped walking, turned to face me, and then smiled as he called my name.

“Do you remember what I said at your house that day?”

“What I said…at my house…?”

“Yes, the day you collapsed.”

I remember. My body and mind were exhausted and I wasn’t in my right mind, but I still remember.

“That I’d wait…”

“Yes, I said I’d wait as long as it takes. To tell me when you’re ready.”

To me, who needed time, who wasn’t ready, he said.

That he would wait, that he would wait forever until I was ready.

“Actually, there were a lot of things I wanted to say to you today, Team Leader.”

He takes a step back.

“But it seems like you have something you want to say to me too.”

As if telling me to come closer when I’m ready, as if he won’t approach until then.

“So…I think I’ll wait again. Until you speak first.”

His attitude, his smile that was more relieved than before, asked me. Are you really ready? If you’re not ready, you don’t have to say it.

“…”

Ah.

This person, really.

How much more embarrassed is he going to make me?

My shameful sins. My unsightly behavior that I only tried to turn away from.

He didn’t scold or despise me. Instead, he embraced me.

Like a gentle breeze that doesn’t suit the snowy season.

“…Seo Hanbyeol.”

So I can’t show any more of this unsightly behavior.

“There’s something I have to confess. Not as a Team Leader or a direct superior…”

Now is the time to spill it.

“…But as a human, Cha Hyewon, to a human, Seo Hanbyeol.”

The rusted lock.

“…I am.”

Now is the time to take it out.

“…A lesbian.”

My own secret that no one else knew.