Chapter 36: Neon in the Night Sky

What could be the reasons for lovers breaking up?

If you get into the nitty-gritty details, there would be countless reasons, but I think the biggest reason is misalignment.

Misalignment of personalities. Misalignment of values. Misalignment of environments… and various other misalignments.

It’s not something to brag about, but I have quite a lot of dating experience.

I was quite popular since my school days, and I was accepting of almost any preference, regardless of gender.

Yes, regardless of gender.

Not only Mom and Dad, but also the people around me seemed to find my wide, almost unrestricted, range of preferences quite unfamiliar.

But well… what can I do? I think my mom and dad are also responsible for the way I grew up. Probably.

Anyway, that’s how I was. The class president in high school who first opened my eyes to love was a girl, and the person I dated after breaking up with the president was a guy.

The last senior I dated in college was a guy. I broke up with him because he was always late for dates. And now… I’m in love with someone who is a woman on the outside but a man on the inside.

Having broad tastes means that the people you meet are also diverse.

The forms of dating are diverse, and the forms of breaking up are diverse as well.

But whether it was cheating or a quarrel, whatever the form, the common reason was misalignment.

The interlocking gears became misaligned, and we could no longer overlook each other’s misalignments.

Whether I said let’s break up first, or they said let’s break up first. The moment of misalignment brought separation, and I shook off any lingering feelings at the same time as the gears fell apart. At least, I did.

But this person, what on earth is she?

Senior clearly said that Team Leader dumped her. That she started the relationship, but Team Leader ended it.

That means Team Leader felt some kind of misalignment in her relationship with Senior and declared a breakup.

Senior seemed to have lingering feelings for that past relationship.

Even if she pretended to be okay, she couldn’t hide the wistful expression that showed how much emotion was left.

I can understand why Senior has lingering feelings. Senior was the one who confessed her love to Team Leader first, and Senior was the one who ended up getting dumped, unable to continue that love.

Originally, the one who dumps someone feels better than the one who gets dumped, and the one who gets dumped has more regrets.

But why on earth is this person like this?

She dumped her with her own hands, and yet she shows such lingering feelings and bitterness about the past.

Well, it’s not like there aren’t people like that at all. People who don’t know how precious something is when they have it, but realize its preciousness and regret it only after losing it.

But even that regret needs some kind of trigger. Like not getting along with a newly dating boyfriend, or the person they broke up with suddenly winning the lottery or something.

Even after listening to Senior’s story, I don’t think Team Leader is the type of person who can date someone.

Even if she falls in love with someone, would Team Leader confess first? Hmm… is that even possible?

Her appearance is definitely as pretty as a celebrity. Senior said she fell for her looks at first.

But her personality is a bit… I can’t honestly say it’s good, even as a compliment. No, before even judging whether it’s good or bad, she honestly seems to lack social skills.

So, is there anything that has changed about Senior? I don’t think so.

Senior is still an office worker, and there’s no story about her winning the lottery or her invested stocks skyrocketing. Does she even invest in stocks in the first place?

Of course, even without any changes, Senior is still a good person, but whether that can be a decisive trigger…

…Ah.

That’s right. Now that I think about it, there is one thing that has changed.

“Team Leader, by any chance…”

Senior was a man when she was dating Team Leader.

After breaking up with Team Leader, Senior became a woman.

That’s all. That’s the only thing you could call a change.

And at the same time, it’s also the most dramatic change possible. Going from a man to a woman.

Senior said that their relationship was a romantic relationship in name only, and that it wasn’t that affectionate in reality.

If Team Leader acted similarly in private as she did at work, was that really a romantic relationship?

But Team Leader has changed. After Senior became a woman.

Team Leader, who maintained a lukewarm attitude when Senior was a man, shows lingering feelings for Senior after she became a woman?

“… ”

There’s only one possibility then.

I couldn’t even imagine it normally. Looking straight at Team Leader’s face, that is.

But I am now making eye contact with Team Leader. I am observing Team Leader’s face, her eyes, her expression.

And I thought. A far-fetched but, for now, the most likely inference.

If that inference is true…

“… Excuse me, Team Leader.”

Their relationship is not like misaligned rails, but like a complex and intricately woven spider web.

Loving each other, yet bitter with regret and pain.

“Would you happen to be free this evening?”

A spider web that someone like me could never have interfered with from the start.

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Until Saturday, or rather, until 6 PM on Sunday, I couldn’t escape from my parents’ house.

I originally intended to go back as soon as I confirmed that my father was safe, but my parents had no intention of letting their unfilial child go back so easily after showing my face for the first time in a while.

Where did all my vacation days go? Anyway…

“Hmm…”

I expected that if I went down to my parents’ house and met them, my mental complexities would be somewhat resolved.

That I would gain some answers about my identity, the reason for Seo Hanbyeol’s existence, and its value.

As a result, I achieved half of my goal.

First of all, my family still recognizes the changed me as Seo Hanbyeol.

My father, my mother, my older sister who I hadn’t seen in a long time, and even that precious child I didn’t really want to see, all accepted that I was Seo Hanbyeol without any fuss.

Should I thank Jin-woo? Even though my family are the type of people who are so easygoing that they would dismiss such a change as trivial, it would have taken them longer to accept it if he hadn’t told them in advance.

Still, I succeeded in solving the biggest problem, a problem that I couldn’t even dare to approach since becoming a woman.

So, I feel a lot more at ease. It’s like I’ve regained my lost hometown.

A life without a place to return to was too mentally exhausting.

But at the same time, a new worry arose.

No, rather than a new worry, should I say that the original worry has deepened?

If that person has lingering feelings for you, and you also have lingering feelings for that person… why don’t you talk about it?

“….Haaa..”

What my older sister said before I left home keeps lingering in my head.

Lingering feelings. I still haven’t forgotten that person. Like an idiot.

I know. I know I’m weird.

But honestly, you know. I’ve experienced something that would make me weird.

Everything changed overnight. Only the genes are the same, my body was completely reassembled while I was asleep.

In the process… I realized.

I love the past.

I love the era before I was even born, when black and white programs were broadcast on CRT TVs.

My tastes, my preferences, my behavior, all remain in the past.

I cannot love the future.

Only after proving that I am Seo Hanbyeol did I realize that fact.

Man or woman, I cannot love either.

No matter who I look at, no matter what I look at, I couldn’t bring myself to feel love.

That’s why everything I love is what I loved in the past.

What I loved when I was whole, before the spirit of a man and the body of a woman were mixed and broken.

My family. My memories. Everything that filled my childhood with happiness. And… my first love.

That’s why I couldn’t help but have lingering feelings, even while pretending to be okay.

Because the only person I loved as a woman, as a member of the opposite s*x, was that person, Cha Hye-won.

That person is the only person I can love as a member of the opposite s*x.

“…. ”

Is it okay to do that?

Is it okay to still love that person, is it okay to do as my older sister says?

I can’t find any basis in my older sister’s words. It’s just that my older sister’s intuition, her premonition, is saying so.

Even if I make up my mind and ask her to date me again, I don’t know if she will accept.

If she doesn’t accept… how can I live with the embarrassment?

To be rejected twice by the same person after confessing twice, that’s terrible.

“Haa…”

If that happens… I’m going to quit my job.

It’s not just a colleague or a junior, but a superior and a senior at work, and I confess twice and get rejected twice? No matter how strong my mentality is, to the point where it’s hard to even scratch it, I can’t handle that.

…What should I do? Should I just give up?

Honestly, it’s a world where you can live without a lover these days. Of course, my parents want me to get married, but they know my situation, so they will understand even if I live as a single person.

“Ugh…”

In the end, as I got off at the station and headed for the exit, I sighed and groaned to myself.

So much so that people around me looked at me with worried eyes, wondering if I was sick or if something wasn’t going well.

“…Byeol..”

So, at first, I didn’t hear it.

“Hanbyeol…ssi..”

In fact, even if I had heard it, I would have thought it was a hallucination.

Because that voice was a voice that couldn’t possibly be heard here.

“…Hanbyeol-ssi?”

“Y, yes….Yes!? Te, Team Leadeugh!?”

That’s why, the moment the source of all my worries appeared before my eyes.

I bit my tongue.