Go

“…Pardon?”

I doubted my ears.

The night after midterm exams ended.

Clearly, until we got home, today had been as enjoyable as a happy dream with the oppas and Se-ah. It had been so happy.

The words that came from Mom’s mouth, who had been waiting for us at home, woke me, no, us from that dream.

…Did I hear wrong?

Although I’ve heard those words many times before, this time I desperately prayed that I had misheard.

Perhaps… Is this punishment for being too happy for the past year?

Even so, this seemed too cruel. It didn’t feel real.

I was clearly awake, but it felt like I was having a nightmare.

My parents, watching my expression, also had pained looks as if they felt sorry.

ㅡ Don’t do this.

Please, tell me it’s a joke. Even now, I wish you would say it with a smile.

I’ve been shocked enough already. Please…

“Where are you saying we’re going…?”

Oppa, who was sitting next to me, asked in disbelief.

“…America. Both Mom and Dad have been assigned to work in the United States. The timing will probably be around when your summer vacation ends. Our workplaces are somewhat distant from each other, but we’ll try to find a house at a midpoint so that our whole family can live together…”

“H-how long…? How long do we have to stay there?”

Oppa urgently interrupted Mom’s calm explanation.

But neither Mom nor Dad scolded him.

“At least 3 years… perhaps even longer.”

“Huh…”

Oppa let out an empty laugh as if it made no sense.

My expression was probably the same.

3 years. At least 3 years.

This can’t be. This can’t be happening. How is this possible…?

Just now, just now I had become happy…

“No way. No, I don’t want to.”

“Jin-hyuk…!”

“All this time…!”

Oppa continued with a voice full of resentment.

“Not once have I ever complained or thrown a tantrum. Neither have I, nor has Ye-rin. Can’t you listen to us just this once…?”

“……”

I couldn’t stay quiet either, so I opened my mouth.

“I’m asking you too… Can’t you let just me and oppa stay here…? We’ll try our best to manage on our own…”

After oppa and I finished speaking, a heavy silence fell over the dining table where we sat facing our parents.

After a moment, Dad sighed deeply and then spoke.

“Jin-hyuk, Ye-rin. I, and your mother, understand well. We know that you’ve had a hard time because we’ve moved frequently for work. We’ve always been sorry about that. And it’s true that we’re extremely grateful that you’ve become much brighter thanks to Woo-jin and his sister. It’s as if they filled the roles that we couldn’t provide for you, and no amount of gratitude would be enough.”

I hoped Dad’s words would end there.

Unfortunately, Dad continued with “But—”.

“There’s a complete difference between us not being home often like now and us being completely absent. At this crucial time in your lives, we absolutely cannot allow you to live by yourselves. Do you think we want to be separated from you? So, we even considered asking relatives or Woo-jin’s family to let you stay with them, paying for the costs, but staying for years rather than just a day or two would be burdensome to them. And it wouldn’t be good for you either. Absolutely not.”

Just as I was about to raise my head to say no, that we could manage just by ourselves—

Seeing that the look in Mom and Dad’s eyes wasn’t strict or scolding us.

But rather wrapped in guilt.

I couldn’t bring myself to speak.

Wouldn’t our parents have already considered everything I was thinking?

“You’re still… young. You need an adult’s guidance.”

How can that be.

How can that be…? My world changed after meeting Woo-jin oppa, so why…

“…I need.”

Unable to stay seated any longer, I spoke, and everyone’s attention turned to me.

“I need a little more time to think…”

“Ye-rin, this…”

“Honey, let’s stop here for today. The children need time to accept and think about this.”

“Oh my…”

Mom intervened as Dad seemed about to try to persuade me.

But in Mom’s warm tone, our acceptance had already become inevitable.

Screech-

When I stood up from the chair, my legs wouldn’t support me, and I stumbled.

Not just my legs, my entire body felt weak as if I had collapsed from exhaustion.

…I want to see oppa.

Suppressing the urge to vomit, I entered my room and collapsed on the bed, followed shortly by my brother coming in.

“Seo Ye-rin. Are you going to just stay still like this?”

“…What do you mean?”

“What do I mean? We’re about to go high-five with westerners, and we need to do something about it ourselves.”

“What can we do? They’re so determined…”

“Ha, this is driving me crazy. Hey! So what, are we just going to say goodbye to Han Woo-jin and part ways? Like we suddenly met one day, are we going to suddenly disappear?”

“…Oppa. I’m sorry, but could you leave me alone for now…?”

“What will change by thinking alone? You act like you’ll die without Han Woo-jin, but was your heart only that much? Wait, can you even say goodbye to him?”

“Do you think I…!!!!”

For the first time in my life, I raised my voice at my brother who was saying unbearable things.

“Do you think… I want this? Oppa, do you know? The day I first met Woo-jin oppa. Though it was just a year ago, his voice, face, height, personality—everything has changed so much from then. I’m probably the same. We’re all… in that phase. A phase where who I was yesterday is different from who I am today.”

I could feel my voice trembling more and more.

I wanted to speak calmly.

But the more I spoke, the more emotions welled up, and I couldn’t hold back the choking feeling in my throat.

“If there’s so much change in just one year. During this precious time that will never return, 3 years. No, it might not even be just 3 years. Should I ask Woo-jin oppa to wait for me for an uncertain period, while he watches others and just envies them? I… can’t do that. I could wait for Woo-jin oppa while only looking at him, for 3 years or even more, but I don’t want him to experience such pain, I really don’t…”

That would be.

Like shackles for both of us.

…Without any key to unlock them.

After finishing my words full of resentment, my heart ached so much that I bit my lip hard.

“…Then. Then what are you going to do? What if, later, Han Woo-jin has another girl by his side? Could you bear it then? You know well by now. That Han Woo-jin likes you. Don’t hesitate and tell him. Ask him to wait.”

At my brother’s words, a laugh with hot breath escaped me without me realizing.

“…Oppa. That’s why.”

“What do you mean ‘that’s why’?”

“As much as Woo-jin oppa likes me. I like, no, love Woo-jin oppa so much, even more than that. I can’t do something that would hurt the oppa I love…”

I tried to hold it back.

But in the end, the suppressed emotions leaked out, and my eyes grew hot.

“…I don’t know. But if it were me. I would want to be held onto.”

With those final words, my brother scratched his head and left the room.

And I collapsed on the bed.

**

After that day, my days alternated between heaven and hell.

At night, I would firmly resolve to tell oppa about studying abroad the next day and sort out my feelings.

But when daytime came and I stood before oppa, like I had never made such a resolution, I became a fool longing for oppa’s love.

After indulging in that sweetness, what returned was anger toward myself and self-loathing.

Unable to tell the person I like that I like them, yet unable to let go either.

That was me.

 

Even as I repeated such days, preparations for studying abroad proceeded smoothly.

From passports to documents and so on.

It didn’t feel real.

Would I really leave oppa’s side like this?

I wish someone would tell me it was a lie, even now.

As if my wishes didn’t matter at all, reality was approaching closer and closer.

When would I be able to return after leaving?

How would oppa react when he found out about this?

Even oppa would be angry.

He might come to dislike me for not telling him earlier.

Ah.

Just imagining it made my heart throb with pain, making it difficult to breathe.

 

Summer vacation began.

The summer vacation that I would have been excited about normally now felt like D-day.

One last time, and then another last time.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow—those words I engraved in my heart every time I called oppa.

Today again, I contacted oppa with the excuse of “one last time.”

I wanted to show oppa my all-dressed-up self, while also saving money to buy him pajamas as a gift as a last time. …I wanted him not to forget me.

The fitting model job that I started with such feelings. Brought the worst results.

How did oppa feel when he introduced himself as a “close oppa” in front of the staff?

Watching oppa’s back as he always stood in front of me, blocking those curious gazes to protect me.

I realized it was wrong.

Making both oppa and myself satisfied with our current relationship, even though I couldn’t go further.

Craving affection like a baby bird for someone I couldn’t embrace.

The person who cherishes me the most, the person I love the most.

I had turned him into a coward who couldn’t speak honestly in front of others.

…This wasn’t what I intended. I truly wanted oppa to be happy.

How did it come to this… I don’t know.

If I had told oppa immediately the night we heard from our parents, would things have been different?

On my way home alone after showing a shameful side of myself to oppa till the end.

Wiping away the tears that kept flowing with my sleeve, I took out my phone.

I’ll tell oppa everything when I meet him tomorrow.

I was afraid because I couldn’t imagine what expression oppa would make or what he would say, unlike how his face would naturally appear in my mind before.

Just as I turned on my phone, determined to tell him now—

As if detecting my heart, a message arrived.

[Woo-jin Oppa]

-Ye-rin, can we meet tomorrow?

There was only one answer I could give.

-Yes, let’s meet tomorrow…