Chapter 32: The thing I least want to admit is

Eirene quickly hide herself behind cover.

Fortunately, it seemed that Rayfield hadn’t noticed this side.

“We’re not here to cause you trouble. We’re just checking if someone’s here, so I’d appreciate it if you cooperated quickly.”

Instead of the panicking abbess, it was Igon who took the role of dealing with the man.

“That would be difficult. Even if it’s the emperor’s command, is it truly acceptable to touch the monastery in such a manner without proper notice?”

“Oh, come on. Do you think this is the Magnitipus era, or are you seriously being this uptight?”

“I am serious. And I’ve heard the emperor is currently on the run. You mentioned this was an imperial order—so whose command, exactly, are you following?”

Thump, thump.

Eirene placed her hand on her chest and sank to the ground.

She prayed desperately that the sound of her heartbeat wouldn’t leak outside.

“Fine. You’re quite the talker. Yes, the emperor.”

“Pardon?”

“We received information that the deposed emperor is hiding here.”

“So, we’re just going to search around a bit. I’m not here to set the monastery on fire or anything, so I don’t see why you’re being so difficult. In fact, the more uncooperative you are, the more suspicious it seems.”

As he said that, he attempted to brush past Igon.

“The moment you step foot in the monastery—”

“The moment you set foot in the monastery without permission, it can be seen as the newly enthroned emperor declaring hostility toward the Guodun Church and the Saintess. Wouldn’t you agree?”

For the first time, Rayfield’s previously unchanging expression faltered as he glared at Igon.

Igon didn’t avoid his gaze.

Instead, he stared back even more firmly, repeating the statement once again.

“The cathedral and monasteries of the Guodun Church are all sacred lands under the management of the Saintess, chosen by God. Trespassing here without the Saintess’s permission can only be viewed as a challenge against the Guodun Church. Unless, of course—”

Step, step.

Igon, clearly taller by a head compared to Rayfield, looked down at him and said, “Have you received the Saintess’s permission? If so, I’ll cooperate.”

“Ugh!”

Rayfield turned his head, exhaling a frustrated sigh.

He muttered something like, “Religious zealots, seriously.”

Igon remained unshaken, continuing to meet his eyes unwaveringly.

“Fine, whatever. I’ll get the Saintess’s permission. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“Exactly. If you can do so.”

“Always clinging to the smallest details—!”

Rayfield seethed momentarily but quickly regained his composure.

“Ha… Listen, Father. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but if you’re really hiding the emperor, you’re making a grave mistake. Do you seriously believe that keeping that fallen woman here will somehow restore Guodun Church as the national religion? A new era is upon us.”

***

“A new era. With a new order and new rules. When that time comes, both you and the deposed emperor will just be relics of an outdated past.”

As Rayfield said this, he placed his hand on Igon’s shoulder.

“I’ll be back later today. If you want the Guodun Church to survive under the new order, think carefully.”

Only after confirming that Rayfield and his soldiers had left did Eirene collapse to the ground, her legs giving out beneath her.

“What’s this? A new order? What does that even mean?”

The incomprehensible words didn’t matter.

What truly filled her with despair was—

‘They’ve discovered that I’m here.’

***

“Thank you, Abbess.”

A late dinner was set on the table.

The menu was simple as always—rye bread, dried herring, and pickled vegetables.

Eirene loved dinner time.

After a day of hard labor, nothing gave her more of a sense of being alive than tearing into a piece of bread.

However, tonight, she couldn’t bring herself to eat anything.

“Well, I’ll take my leave now, Brother.”

“Yes, thank you.”

The abbess also bid Eirene goodbye before leaving the room.

Perhaps it was her way of showing consideration.

“Go ahead and eat, Lady Linashita.”

Igon continued his meal without a word.

He didn’t ask why she wasn’t eating, nor did he act any differently than usual.

The only sound filling the quiet space was the clinking of his utensils against the plate.

And it was Eirene who broke the silence.

“Just now…!”

“Don’t worry. The Saintess is a wise person. She won’t concede to their unreasonable demands.”

“That, that’s not it…”

Eirene’s trembling voice contrasted with Igon’s calm tone.

And then—

“I believe in you.”

“…Huh?”

“I believe in you, Lady Linashita. No matter what happens.”

The words “I believe in you” pierced a corner of her heart again.

However, given the situation, she couldn’t allow herself to stay buried in fleeting dreams.

“…Igon. I have something to tell you.”

“Please, go ahead.”

“I lied to you.”

As she spoke, Igon’s hand, which had been moving his utensils, came to a stop.

Unable to meet his gaze, Eirene lowered her head slightly and continued.

“I’m not Linashita. My name is Eirene von Einsberg. Until a few days ago, I sat on the emperor’s throne… as the deposed emperor.”

“You believed in me, but I couldn’t believe in you. That’s why I used a false name. And now, if you were to ask whether I trust you, I’d say… I probably still don’t. If I had even a shred of trust in you, I would’ve told you the truth long before things reached this point. Don’t you think so?”

Indeed.

A person who couldn’t trust anyone couldn’t possibly believe in God.

She was merely playing dress-up, wearing a nun’s robe, pretending to live as one.

She could never escape her destiny.

“I am well aware of the Guodun Church’s situation. I know the Saintess has manifested… But if it comes to a full-scale power struggle, the imperial forces will not lose. Surely, you know this, Igon. If things go awry, even the Saintess could be harmed. Between a deposed emperor and the Saintess, chosen by God, who do you think is more important—”

‘Wouldn’t a devoted follower like you make the obvious choice without hesitation?’

“So, I’ll leave. Living in a nun’s habit while not believing in God isn’t particularly enjoyable anyway. Besides, even as a deposed emperor, they probably won’t execute me immediately. I’ve lived this long managing people like them to ensure my survival, so you don’t need to worry.”

Just a little more.

A little more, and it would be done.

Deceiving people without sincerity was her area of expertise.

She had never once revealed her true feelings to anyone.

She always wore whatever mask was necessary at the time and treated people accordingly.

It was a truly solitary life, but by not trusting anyone, she avoided being hurt or disappointed.

She thought such a lonely life suited her just fine.

“I am indebted to you. I will never forget this kindness. If things go well and I am reinstated as emperor… or even if not, I will make sure to repay you.”

“Rayfield said he’d return today, didn’t he? When he comes back, I’ll join him and leave this place. Thank you for your hospitality.”

‘That should be enough.’

Igon was a smart man.

He’d understand what she meant.

He was a devout priest.

He wouldn’t let the Saintess be endangered.

Eirene didn’t want the Saintess to suffer either.

Igon would surely be saddened.

His faithful heart might even blame itself.

So… this was fine.

At that moment—

Igon’s hand brushed against Eirene’s cheek.

“Igon… Wh-what are you—”

“Don’t cry, Lady Linashita.”

“…What?”

Only then did Eirene realize she was crying.

“Seeing you sobbing like this, how could I possibly hand you over to those people?”

“No, that’s not—”

“Should I call you Lady Eirene now? Either way, remember when I mentioned before that I wasn’t sure how to make someone trust me or how to trust others?”

Once again, Igon crossed the wall Eirene had put up to deceive him.

As though willing to walk with her to destruction—

“Let’s start by trusting each other. You trust me, Lady Eirene, and I’ll trust you. That way, we’ll figure out what truly matters to you right now.”

“I… I…”

“And—”

Before Igon could finish, Eirene, flustered, rose abruptly from her seat.

“Lady Eirene…!”

“S-sorry! I don’t… I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Please don’t look for me until they come back. Goodbye!”

***

Her footsteps echoed as she ran down the monastery’s halls, her thoughts drowned by the sound of her racing heartbeat.

Thump, thump.

It pounded as if it would leap out of her chest at any moment.

And then, that voice.

The voice she had heard in front of the portrait.

‘Just believe.’

‘Just try believing.’

The inexplicable yet familiar voice replayed in her head like a storm.

Among the whirlwind of images swirling in her mind, the thing she least wanted to admit—

The moment she became aware of it—

Eirene clutched her chest, feeling as though it might burst, and fled once more.