Chapter 32: I Keep Stuttering and I’ve Forgotten How to Fall Asleep

My family home is in Daejeon.

It’s not that my parents are from Daejeon, and I wasn’t born there either. After I became independent, my parents moved, so Daejeon became my family home.

The reason? Nothing much. It’s because my mother likes bread.

That’s all there is to it. My father is clumsy with his expressions and has a grumpy side, but everyone knows he’s been a devoted husband since forever, loving my mother dearly.

And Daejeon has a lot of bakeries. There are many bakeries, and the quality is generally decent. You don’t even have to go to that famous place… what was it, oh right, Sungsimdang. You can go to almost any bakery and get excellent bread.

So, they went to Daejeon. Just for the bread. Only because my mother likes bread.

He’d say things like, “Why should I do something nice for that old woman?” or “Why eat those indigestible bread scraps?” but he still went all the way to Daejeon. He’s no Kim Cheom-ji.

They were a truly loving couple, and truly wonderful parents. I can confidently say that being born to them is the greatest luck of my life.

And now, I’m going to see those parents. For the first time in a very long time.

“Haa…”

I should be happy, but why do I feel so uneasy?

I know the reason. It’s because I’m afraid to meet my parents. In this state.

Will my parents be able to accept this change that I didn’t want?

“Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens aus unruhigen Träumen erwachte, fand er sich in seinem Bett zu einem ungeheueren Ungeziefer verwandelt.”

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”

In Franz Kafka’s novel The Metamorphosis, the protagonist, Gregor Samsa, transforms into a giant insect one day without any warning.

His family initially took care of him after he transformed, but gradually began to shun him. Gregor, unable to communicate with his family because of his transformation, slowly began to rot away in a corner of his room.

And finally, the wound from an apple thrown by his father worsened, and he died a lonely death. His family felt a sense of liberation and hope for a better future because of his death.

Of course, I’m Seo Hanbyeol, not Gregor Samsa.

I’m not the head of the household responsible for the family like him, but an independent child, and I can communicate with others just fine.

And most of all, unlike him, who turned into a giant, repulsive insect, I’ve turned into a perfectly normal human woman who’s just a bit shorter than average.

So, I won’t suffer the same fate as Gregor. I won’t be miserably shunned and abandoned, left to die alone in the darkness.

…Will I, really?

Back when I had just turned into a woman, when I was busy running around trying to prove that I was Seo Hanbyeol.

I remember the looks on people’s faces when they saw me claiming to be Seo Hanbyeol. The looks on the faces of colleagues I thought were close and friendly.

Their eyes held various emotions. Fear, hostility, bewilderment.

I couldn’t find any positive emotions in those unfamiliar gazes superimposed on familiar smiles. I couldn’t bear those looks as if they were looking at a monster from a horror movie or a mentally ill person.

Even now, after proving that I am Seo Hanbyeol and receiving apologies from those people, sometimes when I close my eyes to sleep, those gazes come to mind.

Every time that happened, I had trouble sleeping. The frequency has decreased a bit now, but in the past, those gazes would come to mind four or five times a week, preventing me from falling asleep.

Will it be any different with family?

Even if they’re family, can I be sure that they won’t look at a crazy woman who shows up one day claiming to be their son with those same eyes?

Of course, family is much closer than work colleagues. Rather, that might lead to an even more extreme reaction.

And if my parents, my father and mother, look at me with those eyes…

…I don’t think I could bear it.

I might not even be able to say a word, and just turn around and run away.

If I’m no longer loved by the people I love.

“Sigh…”

The train, oblivious to my feelings, was speeding towards its destination.

The long, stretched-out railroad, the scenery outside the window changing rapidly.

With each tunnel we passed through, with each jolt of the train, my worries deepened.

“Excuse me… are you alright?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been sighing since a while ago.”

Lost in the anxiety that was getting closer and closer to panic, I had forgotten that there was a passenger next to me.

The train isn’t a mode of transportation that only I can use. It’s not like I’m the stationmaster or a tycoon who can rent out an entire train.

The train is a means of transportation that anyone can use, and there are many passengers in this car besides me. And in front of those passengers, I was being a villain, sighing loudly for everyone to hear.

“…Ah…”

My face is hot. I can’t see it with my own eyes because I don’t have a mirror, but my face is probably bright red.

Whether it’s because they’re kind or because they have a lot of patience, the passenger next to me was looking at me with a worried expression, but that didn’t make the embarrassment go away.

“I’m sorry…”

“No, no, you don’t need to apologize…”

Please accept my apology. Otherwise, I feel like I’ll die of embarrassment.

“I don’t know what’s going on… but, uh, hang in there! I don’t think I’m in a position to say this, but…”

“…”

The kind-hearted passenger didn’t rebuke me, but rather cheered me on.

“You’re going down there because something came up, right? I’m the same. I don’t want to go down there… but I have to…”

“…Thank you.”

It wasn’t much, but it was enough encouragement to help me relax.

Thanks to that encouragement, I felt a little better.

“But where are you going that…”

“Ah… I’m going to get a divorce! That bastard of a husband cheated on me and ran off to Busan, so I’m going to go deal with him…”

…Take back what I just said.

---

“Hoo…”

After getting off at Daejeon Station, I watched the train, which had been stopped for a while, leave for a while, then took a deep breath in and out.

Only then did I realize that I had come to Daejeon. This subtle smell of bread. It’s the smell leaking from the bags of tourists who raided Sungsimdang.

I found it strangely amazing. What is it about that bread that makes people from all over the country come to buy it?

Sungsimdang’s advantage is its overwhelming value for money. The taste is only moderately decent, but the biggest reason for its popularity is the price.

Of course, I’ve bought bread from Sungsimdang a few times. It’s definitely delicious, but I don’t know if it’s worth waiting in line that long.

Well, I guess that means bread prices are high in other neighborhoods. It’s an era when pizza bread costs almost 3,000 won.

I’m here

Where should I go?

While smelling the bread, I sent a message to a contact I hadn’t been in touch with for a while.

Han-byeol

Come out towards the Railroad Square

I’ll pick you up by car

ㅅㅎㅂ

You got a car?

Han-byeol

I got my license a while ago

There are five members in my family.

Two of them are obviously my father and mother, one is my older sister who got married two years ago, and the last one is an animal living under the same family register.

My older sister became independent a long time ago and now lives in Seoul with her husband, but that lazy younger sibling, Seo Hanbyeol, is still freeloading at my parents’ house. Even when I became independent, she insisted that she would never get married and would live with my parents forever.

It feels like just yesterday that I was nagging Han-byeol, asking when she was going to grow up and telling her to stop talking nonsense and graduate from college.

I don’t know anymore. Which one is the more unfilial bastard.

ㅅㅎㅂ

Where are you?

I came out but I can’t see you?

Han-byeol

Look to your side

No you idiot, not the right, the left

…You only said “side,” you didn’t say which direction, you bad b*tch.

In the first place, if we were close enough to see each other, wouldn’t it be better to just talk instead of messaging?

…Oh right. She doesn’t know I turned into a woman, does she?

Well, that makes sense.

Realizing the change I had momentarily forgotten, I obediently turned my head. In the direction Han-byeol indicated.

And I witnessed the face of my younger sibling, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, looking at me.

“….?”

The problem was, Han-byeol wasn’t the only one there.

“…..???”

The gazes looking in the same direction, that is, towards me, were three, including Han-byeol.

“…???????”

And the owners of those gazes standing on either side of Han-byeol were people who were all too familiar to me.

“No, why…”

They’re coming closer.

Towards me, they’re coming closer.

“They definitely… said you were hit by a car…”

Wait a minute, how do they know and come closer?

Is it a mistake? But the direction is too certain for that, isn’t it? They’re looking at me too certainly, aren’t they?

“How…?????”

What is that in front of my eyes?

Unless I’m seeing things, it’s definitely…

“Hey, Han-byeol.”

“Yes my captain?”

No, wait a minute.

“Catch that son of a b*tch.”

I have to run away—

“Aye Aye Sir!”

…..

“Hwaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!?????”

“Where do you think you’re going!!!”

Was I… tricked?