Chapter 30: It’s a Misunderstanding

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t surprised.

It’s not that I was surprised that Senior was in a relationship with someone. Actually, considering their personality, it would be stranger if they hadn’t been involved with a woman… or a man…? Either way.

People who aren’t terribly ugly, just average-looking, and who succeed in dating or marriage are usually good-natured. Or they have a lot of money.

Besides, Senior is pretty. People say they were handsome even before becoming a woman. There’s no way someone like that could be a virgin, right? Unless they were strongly opposed to it.

But I never imagined that the other person would be Team Leader, that crazy language-assassin who stabs people with words.

Who would expect Cha Hyewon, Team Leader, a person who seems like they don’t have a single friend, to be dating? I can guarantee that not just the people in our department, but even the Head of Department, no, even the Chairman of this company wouldn’t have predicted it.

And what’s more, it wasn’t Team Leader who confessed first, but Senior who made the first move.

It would have been shocking enough if Team Leader had confessed first, but I couldn’t believe that Senior, who I would have expected to be on the receiving end of a confession, had confessed first.

Team Leader and Senior. Cha Hyewon and Seo Hanbyeol.

The phrase “polar opposites” suits them best, as they stand at opposite ends of the spectrum. In terms of appearance and personality.

Team Leader’s appearance is extremely sharp. Just standing in front of them makes you swallow involuntarily.

Neatly tied-up hair. Cold, inorganic eyes. That person is the scariest person I’ve ever met.

In comparison, Senior is… well, what should I say? Soft? Fluffy?

They give the impression that if you poked them with your finger, your finger would sink right in. I can’t imagine them getting angry or crying.

A person who seems to be drawn in pastel colors in a desolate world. That’s how I see Senior. Team Leader, on the other hand, is a person with particularly sharp and rough edges.

Those two were in a relationship… is that even possible? Could it be that they were able to connect precisely because they were complete opposites with absolutely no overlapping aspects?

Of course, it’s already a broken relationship, and judging from Senior’s words and expressions when talking about Team Leader, it doesn’t seem like it was a very happy relationship.

The relationship that began with Senior approaching first was severed by Team Leader’s declaration of a breakup. Like any breakup, their relationship probably didn’t end easily or cleanly.

Senior seemed quite upset about the relationship that ended on a sour note. You could see wrinkles forming between Senior’s eyebrows, which were usually full of smiles.

…However.

“That was delicious! Let’s eat together again sometime!”

“I won’t go to such an expensive place next time…”

Senior made a show of emptying their wallet, as if it were completely empty, and smiled wistfully.

Even though they don’t use cash. The corners of their lips turned up aimlessly.

“…Haha…”

But even though they were smiling on the outside, they couldn’t smile on the inside.

Because I saw it, because it was visible.

The lingering feelings that Senior had for the past.

Senior is still stuck in the past.

Unable to forget a past love.

I went to the hospital again on Friday. Just in case, since I had collapsed once.

Once again, this time I didn’t go to the emergency room, but received a normal diagnosis, but again, they couldn’t find anything particularly wrong.

Instead, I was prescribed medication, and I also heard the doctor’s advice to eat regularly if I didn’t want to collapse again.

I heard it… but how long has it been since I collapsed, and I already skipped lunch.

“…..”

I’ve never had much of an appetite to begin with.

My stomach is small, I’m picky about what I eat, and before that, I don’t really enjoy eating anything in the first place.

But today, I had even less of an appetite than usual. It felt like a chore just to put something in my mouth and chew it.

So I didn’t eat. When the others left the office for lunch, I sat alone at my desk and worked.

Should I consider it fortunate or unfortunate that no one bothered to talk to me?

At least it seems fortunate that no one is bothering me.

“…..”

In the silence, I closed my eyes.

I thought it was necessary to organize the random thoughts and delusions that kept flooding my mind.

But the more I sank into the silence, the more I tried not to pay attention, the more those delusions overflowed and tormented me.

Silence and concentration only amplified the delusions, and did nothing to quell them.

“…..”

The only two names that are circling in my head right now are Seo Hanbyeol and Han Se-young.

Among them, the name of the New Employee, whom I usually have no interest in, shows no sign of leaving my head.

It’s not strange that people flock to their side.

Like bugs drawn to sweet honey, they are like a flower that attracts bugs around them.

I’m one of those bugs, too.

When they first confessed to me, I thought they had a lot of dating experience. When I heard that I was their first, I was quite surprised, although I didn’t show it.

That’s how popular they are with women, and since becoming a woman, they’ve also become popular with men. Depending on their sexual orientation, it wouldn’t be strange for them to date a man or a woman.

And above all, what does it matter to me if they’re dating someone?

Their relationship with me is over, and it was I, not anyone else, who ended that relationship.

“…..”

Nevertheless, I couldn’t bring myself to ignore it and look away. I couldn’t shake the thought.

Cha Hyewon’s vicious and ugly nature ignited a jealousy towards the third party who was trying to squeeze into the place where I once was.

Crazy b*tch.

That harsh curse was directed at myself.

What right do I have to be upset that that person is dating someone new? Do I think I’m entitled to some kind of dirty possessiveness just because I’m their ex-boyfriend?

I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t. No human being can do that.

I can’t… but…

“…Keuk…”

I have neither the magnanimity to support their relationship nor the shamelessness to interfere with its progress.

All I can do is ruminate on my anger towards my own detestable self.

I’ve been having a lot of worries lately.

It’s nothing special, just that I’m a little confused about what my identity is, as always.

It’s been quite a long time since I became a woman from a man, and I’ve managed to adapt to some extent, but there’s still a sense of alienation.

So am I a man or a woman?

The reason why that worry has intensified recently is because the extent to which the changes in my body affect my mind has become severe.

It may be a delusion, or it may be a change due to gender differences, but lately I haven’t been able to feel that… sexual desire.

The wording is very, very strange, but it’s true. To be precise, I should say that I can’t feel that… subtle emotion towards women anymore.

As a heterosexual, it’s natural to feel attraction towards the opposite s*x. Men towards women, women towards men.

But now… I don’t feel that emotion when I look at anyone. Not even when I look at pretty celebrities, or even when I watch blatantly suggestive scenes.

But that doesn’t mean I’ve become attracted to men. That’s because my brain hasn’t forgotten that I used to be a man.

If I don’t feel anything when I look at men or women… what am I? Am I asexual?

My mind is changing to match my body, but even in the midst of that, the memories of the past remain intact and stop me in my tracks.

Between change and maintenance, I stand in the middle.

And that problem will probably never be resolved.

Seo Hanbyeol, trapped between the past and the present, is a hesitant person who can’t move forward, but can’t go back either.

All I can do is rummage through my memories.

To take my eyes off reality for a moment and indulge in memories.

My taste for loving old things has an impact even at times like this.

Seo Hanbyeol’s personality, which looks back when everyone else is moving forward, is wandering in an irreversible time.

“…..”

What am I? Am I a man or a woman?

To my parents, am I a son or a daughter? To my friends, am I a male friend or a female friend?

To that person, I am…

…No. Why do I keep thinking about what happened back then?

It’s all in the past. It’s not related to gender.

…..No, wait. To be honest, it’s not my fault that I keep thinking about what happened back then, is it?

Who is it that keeps reminding me of a relationship that I thought was already over? Whose attitude has completely changed, and who is bringing up a relationship that they ended with their own hands?

It’s not me. I can’t say I have no lingering feelings at all. But I didn’t cling and cry and try to get over it cleanly.

I didn’t do anything wrong. That’s what I think. The problem is that person’s attitude of constantly reminding me of the past.

“….Haa…”

What on earth are they hiding, that person?

What secret do they want to hide so much that they feel sorry for me but can’t bring themselves to tell me?

I want to know. That person’s inner thoughts.

I want to resolve it. What if all of this was just a misunderstanding?