Chapter 25: Breathe

“Haa…”

I finished the last of my cigarette and tossed the remaining butt carelessly to the ground.

Half a pack left.

I tucked it carefully into the front pocket of my jacket.

If I waste my time trying to get something as trivial as this—a worthless consumable like cigarettes—
then the time I spend with Yujin, the days I follow her around, the routine of working with her and meeting people,
will inevitably be interrupted.

That realization gnawed at me, leaving me endlessly spinning my thoughts in circles, and in the end, I couldn’t do anything last night.

And this is the result.

Like some kind of drug addict, trembling just because I’m running out of a single indulgence.

Even after throwing away the blood-soaked pack I got last night, only half of it remained, and now, I’ve almost smoked all of that too.

When I first met Ahn Yujin, I didn’t feel the need to smoke for several days.

But the moment I decided to put some distance between us—

the moment I realized cigarettes were one way to do that—

I became obsessed with the idea that I couldn’t go without smoking.

Well, whatever.

If I secure a few packs tonight, I won’t have to worry about it for a while.

If Yujin asks, I’ll just say I found them discarded somewhere.

I have things to do today.

This is the first time I’ve come to help Yujin two days in a row.

“Dinner’s ready, come on in.”

Grandma Soonbok’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

The same old bean sprout soup.

Whether I visit once a week or two days in a row, Grandma always prepares it for me,
and I can feel her putting a little more affection into it each time.

Even though today, I didn’t even bring a supply box—just a few leftover rations.

I’ve never experienced this before.

Not even in dramas or movies.

But if there’s a family relationship where a lonely grandma and two occasionally visiting granddaughters exist,

I imagine it might look something like this.

[…]

Spooky was circling around me, looking like it wanted to say something.

Of course, no one else could see it, but it was still annoyingly distracting.

Even the family I had—the one I couldn’t even call a family because it was so twisted and broken—

Even when I was suffocating within that family,

I couldn’t even protect it in the end.

And now, am I trying to feel something akin to family again?

Is that what pisses you off, you damned ghost?

I’ve spent a year with it, but I still can’t figure it out.

Every time things are going well, it ruins the moment,
and when things are bad, it makes them worse.

Even if I try to distance myself from it, tie it up, or blow it away,
it somehow breaks free or flies back to me.

An irritating ghost.

Day by day, I speak a little more.

I feel a little more warmth.

My senses and colours become richer and brighter.

And at the same time, my guilt and the pain in my chest grow stronger.

Feeling alive, feeling closer to a normal life.

If that happens, I won’t need you anymore.

Even if I can’t break the contract, at least I can tape your mouth shut.

…Yujin once said that the most exhausting thing is dealing with someone who only talks about themselves.

I think it’s better to just ignore Spooky.

Even if I want to ignore it, it keeps yammering next to me, making it impossible.

It doesn’t matter.

Whether or not a ghost like this is part of my normal life makes no difference.

The days when Spooky was the only one I could talk to are over.

And Grandma Soonbok—

She’s an important person in this normal life I’m trying to build.

Different from what Yujin means to me—

More like a relative, a grandparent—someone who brings back long-forgotten old memories.

Grandma said she lost her family.

Back in the chaotic days when monsters ran rampant—when I was just a child.

She said she even forgot where the name “Soonbok” came from, and that it wasn’t her real name.

Her original name was buried along with her dead grandchildren.

That’s why, to someone like me—

Lee Seoa, who wrapped herself in a fake shell to protect her fragile core—

Her presence was a glimpse of possibility.

Bury the past, forget it, deceive myself—

And eventually, fully transform from Sanguine Obsidia into Lee Seoa.

It’s the possibility of escaping the sins of the past—a flimsy rationalization.

While lost in thought, I noticed Yujin staring at me.

When I responded to her gaze with a light smile, she smiled back at me.

Now, I can smile naturally too.

Thanks to Yujin.

Yes,

In the end, Lee Seoa only exists because of Ahn Yujin.

It was only by following Yujin’s lead that I could finally step out into the world.

When I glanced back at her, she was still smiling brightly.

“Ah…”

I almost reached out to hold her hand.

Almost hugged her.

But no matter how much I wanted to, it wasn’t appropriate to do so during a meal.

I had decided long ago to limit physical contact to keep some distance from her, and I’ve stuck to that decision for a while now.

When our bodies touch, it feels like my mind gets drawn to her.

I don’t really know.

Maybe I’m just denying it—refusing to accept it—

But have I already been relying on her to the point that I can’t be apart from her, not even for a moment?

Grandma said we looked close, like sisters.

She looked at us with a warm smile.

Sisters.

Friends, family, neighbours.

What exactly is Ahn Yujin to me, and what am I to Ahn Yujin?

Neighbour, friend, acquaintance, welfare recipient.

We’ve known each other for quite a while now,

But I still don’t know which one I am to her.

She healed my hand,

Guided me,

Accepted my unexpected hugs.

But I couldn’t ask her directly.

Because I’m scared.

From deep within my subconscious, fear rises.

A compulsive fear of being abandoned—again.

“…Thank you for the meal.”

We need to talk.

A real conversation—one where we measure the distance between us as friends.

Not just casual car conversations, but time set aside just for talking.

To reduce this distance I’ve been defining unilaterally.

***

Even if I reduce the distance between me and Yujin,

It feels like the distance between me and the world will only grow wider.

Of all people, why them again?

Before even worrying about distance, I feel like cutting off the world entirely might actually be safer.

Such extreme thoughts begin to surface.

“Hello! Nice to see you again!”

Because of that cheerful girl.

“…Hello.”

“Have you been well? You didn’t get hurt by the monster last time, did you?”

Standing in front of the Community Support Center were Glacia Azure and Rosa Alisa.

Of all people—those two again.

“No, I’m fine. Thanks to you both, I’m safe. I didn’t get hurt. And thank you for remembering!”

Yujin had definitely asked Glacia for an autograph last time.

She hadn’t talked much about it afterward, but I’m pretty sure she’s a fan.

Magical girls, fundamentally, are idols and protectors to people.

Meeting them again—of course she’d be happy.

…For some reason, I felt a strange emotion.

An unpleasant, lingering feeling.

Even though it wasn’t night yet, I could feel a faint murderous intent towards the magical girls standing before me.

I placed a hand on my chest, where goosebumps had risen, but the tumor pulsed just as slowly as usual.

It’s fine.

I’m still fine…

Killing is for the night—at the warehouse as planned.

Not Yujin, not her friends, not the magical girls.

I felt warmth on my right hand.

Without realizing it, I had grabbed Yujin’s hand.

“Since there was that monster incident recently, and because there have been frequent disappearances and dismemberment cases in this area, please be careful. Just as I mentioned, if anything happens, contact us immediately.”

They said they’d included this area as a regular patrol route.

Visiting the Community Support Center today was to inform us about emergency contact methods.

“I’ve gotten stronger than before and learned new magic. Even if a stronger monster shows up, I’ll definitely protect you!”

Yujin patted Rosa Alisa’s head with a gentle smile.

…Maybe it would have been the right choice to kill them back then.

Instead of cutting off Glacia Azure’s arm, I should have gone for her neck.

Instead of piercing Rosa Alisa’s stomach, I should have gone for her heart.

[Stop having those thoughts.]

I squeezed Yujin’s hand a little tighter, grounding myself in her warmth.

That’s right.

I shouldn’t be having these thoughts.

Even if I am a monster, Yujin’s touch reminds me that I’m still human—at least a little.

I won’t hurt Yujin.

I won’t kill anyone around her.

No matter how twisted my thoughts get, Yujin is the one person I must never lose.