Chapter 24: I Still Need Time

From the conclusion, my grand dream of free tuna collapsed.

It was because the chef at the tuna restaurant we were originally going to had gone on vacation.

The truth is, it’s not like that’s the only tuna restaurant in the world, and I could eat it anywhere if I wanted to, but our gangster insisted that it had to be that restaurant.

Is it because his parents only fed him precious things when he was young? Unlike how he looks, he has a surprisingly strong gourmet streak.

As someone who eats tuna regardless of whether it’s fresh or canned, I found his pickiness hard to understand, but it was okay. It wasn’t just a sudden cancellation notice; I received a promise to eat it again later.

Usually, the phrase “Let’s grab a meal together sometime” is known as the least kept promise among Koreans, but that guy, at least when he makes a promise to me, he definitely keeps it.

Moreover, it’s not just “sometime later,” but he even set a date to go as soon as the chef returns, so even if I don’t push him about the tuna, he’ll contact me first on his own. That’s the kind of guy he is.

Still, it’s a shame about the tuna.

“…Team Leader?”

But right now, there’s a more important task… well, it’s too grand to call it that, but a problem has arisen.

“….”

“..Oh, just a moment, I’ll hang up the phone.”

This person, was she even capable of being so pathetic?

Well, I mean, she can eat it since I told her to. I don’t think it’s weird.

But what should I say… she just seems so lost today.

You know, like L from Death Note? Sitting on a chair with her knees pulled up, hunched over, pathetically tearing apart the chicken with both hands.

On top of that, she’s wearing old, worn-out pajamas with a cute character on them, unlike her usual attire, which makes her look even more pitiful.

“Um, Team Leader…”

“….”

How should I start this?

“Is the Chicken Soup delicious?” No. That sounds too sarcastic.

“Your pajamas are cute?” No, that’s not it either. Are you trying to mortify her?

“Um, um…”

What would be good? How can I start a conversation naturally?

“…Why are you in such a state… Ah.”

Cut, NG, NG. I misspoke.

“…..”

Oh, her face is turning red.

“That’s, that’s not it!! The Chicken Soup is delicious, no that’s not it either, the pajamas are cute… Ah, ugh…!!”

Is it because I’m flustered? My tongue has lost control and is running wild. This is troublesome, very troublesome.

“I, it’s okay to eat comfortably!! It’s just a little, a little embarrassing…”

Calm down. Calm the rampaging tongue and cool your head.

“It’s just that Team Leader’s current appearance is somehow, somehow very unfamiliar. That…”

Team Leader’s appearance was unfamiliar. Beyond unfamiliar, it felt very incongruous.

Actually, it had been like that all along. All day today, no, all along since before.

At what point did I start feeling that sense of discomfort and incongruity? It must be after I turned into a woman.

At this point, even if you’re oblivious, you can’t help but notice. My transformation has had some impact on Team Leader.

I don’t know exactly what it is, but it’s clear that something has changed in her mind because of me. And that it’s making her suffer.

“…I’m sorry for leaving without saying anything… but…”

Is she perhaps angry? Because I said I’d stay with her and then left without saying anything?

No, what is there to be angry about? It’s not like we’re lovers like we used to be; we’re just a somewhat close work superior and subordinate.

I’m innocent. People can go out for an appointment and come back. Besides, I even came back. Honestly, it wouldn’t be wrong to just go back as is…

“…No, you don’t need to apologize. It’s just that after collapsing once… I don’t have any strength left in my body.”

But Team Leader just shook her head weakly, denying my words.

“Thank you, I enjoyed the meal.”

She got up from her seat, leaving behind the Chicken Soup that she had barely even chewed, and sighed.

I didn’t feel any animosity. She looked very tired but also seemed at ease at the same time. Was she exhausted or relieved?

“It seems like your dinner plans fell through from what you were saying earlier, so eat this instead. If you don’t want to eat what someone else has eaten, there’s a pot over there… I wonder if it’s okay for me to let you eat a dish that Hanbyeol made from start to finish.”

It was an insecurity I had never felt with this person before.

It was a precariousness I never thought I would feel with this person.

“Then I’ll leave you to it…”

“Team Leader, just a moment…”

Without thinking, I grabbed her arm as she was about to leave.

“….Ah.”

For some reason, I felt like I couldn’t just leave this person alone.

“….”

I don’t know if my hunch was right or wrong.

“…Ugh..”

Seeing her face contorted in pain as she turned her head.

---

At first, I was relieved.

That he, whom I thought had completely left, had returned to this empty house.

I didn’t think he would come back. He had no reason or motivation to stay here.

I’m just his superior, and the request to stay with me is, strictly speaking, an order outside of work. It’s an act that I wouldn’t be able to defend even if reported to the labor board, and even if it doesn’t go to the labor board, the moment rumors spread in the company, I’ll be known as a trash who mobilized a poor subordinate for my own nursing care.

Moreover, we’re in a relationship where there’s no way there could be good feelings on a personal level. No matter how gentle and kind-hearted he is, there’s no way he wouldn’t have resentment towards an ex-lover who unilaterally declared a breakup for no reason.

I heard his true feelings. That unlike the image he usually showed, he still had unresolved anger towards me, and at the same time…

“…”

I wish the feelings he had for me were pure resentment.

If he purely hated me without any lingering feelings, and therefore didn’t listen to my words at all.

If that were the case, I would have buried this sordid and impossible lingering attachment in a corner of my heart forever.

“…Hanbyeol.”

“Team Leader..?”

I’m taking advantage of him.

His kindness, his affection.

The lingering feelings of someone who wanted to be loved but wasn’t, the pain of the wounds I inflicted.

“…I’m sorry.”

“Pardon?”

So I have to say it now.

Even if I can’t say everything, even if I can’t reveal all the secrets…

“I’m sorry, Hanbyeol.”

At least I have to apologize, I have to apologize.

“For unilaterally breaking up that day, and for acting arbitrarily towards Hanbyeol after that, all of it.”

I have to apologize for the immature and ignorant actions I’ve committed so far.

“I… that’s…”

…How?

I can’t apologize without explaining the reason.

That I was born different from ordinary people, so I couldn’t bring myself to love you as a man.

And that I love you as you are now—

I can’t.

You can never reveal the truth.

….Why.

Why, you know why.

Because that’s how you grew up, Cha Hye-won.

Secret.

Not a tightly hidden secret, but just a secret that has been neglected for a long time.

The key and lock are rusted and worn out, making it impossible to even think about opening it.

I can’t open that lock.

The secret inside is, after all, my flaw.

Hye-won, can you see the men going to work outside? They’re trying not to be late even in this cold weather.

…Is it because they’ll be fired from the company if they’re late?

Of course. If you use a faulty part that doesn’t work properly, the machine will cause problems.

The factory owner called society does not tolerate flaws in human parts. Narrowly speaking, that’s how companies are, and broadly speaking, that’s how this earth is.

The same goes for me. Politicians especially need to pay a lot of attention to flaws. Otherwise, they’ll be thrown away right away.

Of course, I can be a part or the owner of the machine. I can be in a position to be replaced, or in a position to replace…

I remember my father’s gaze towards me that day.

I still haven’t forgotten the unspoken pressure, as if asking if I understood what he meant.

If there’s a flaw, it will be replaced.

That meant there were no exceptions to that immutable law, including me.

Flaw, replacement, disposal.

Society would do that, and before that, my father would do it himself.

That warning, if not a warning, sealed my lips.

It made it impossible for me to reveal my secret, my flaw, to anyone.

Because the moment I reveal my flaw, I’ll be hated and ostracized, and eventually replaced.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to be abandoned.

By society, by my family.

I don’t want to show my flaw.

“…..”

In the end, I couldn’t say it. Not this time either.

My flaw, which might be just a small scratch.

Perhaps I’ll be hated even more because of it.

Perhaps I’ll incur even more resentment from him for dredging up painful memories.

But what can I do, I’m that kind of person.

Frustrating, indecisive, a big kid who only pretends to be strong on the outside.

My essence, which I barely managed to hide after spreading thorns in all directions, is—

“…..Haa…”

Thud.

Something was felt on my head, which I had lowered like a sinner because I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

Softness on my forehead, warmth on my head.

“I don’t understand what’s going on at all… but the conclusion is that, right?”

He gently held me in his arms and stroked my hair.

“That you still need time, that you’re not ready.”

He whispered to me in a voice filled with pity.

“I’ll wait.”

“….?”

“I’ll wait, as long as it takes.”

Ah.

“I’ll wait for you. Until Cha Hye-won, who is more frustrating than she looks, can spit out proper words instead of just moving her mouth like a fish.”

“…..”

“So tell me when you’re ready.”

I felt relieved. That my face was buried in his arms.

“….Yes.”

Because the misfortune of showing him a face that I couldn’t even imagine what it would look like, didn’t happen.