Chapter 21: Pests

“….I still like you.”

Why am I talking to a cat that can’t even understand human language?

“This is a secret from your mom, okay?”

Mrow—

“Yeah, yeah, good kitty.”

It’s always been this way, but sometimes it’s easier to connect with animals than with people.

It’s not that they don’t understand, but more like… sometimes animals have better personalities than people.

Like Jin-woo’s cockatoo, which is more gentle and well-behaved than Jin-woo, who’s a total thug. This cat also seems to have a better personality than its owner.

It doesn’t shy away from human touch, and it doesn’t scratch or knock things over. How can a cat be so docile and sociable?

“I don’t know what nonsense I’m spouting in front of a cat… aww, you’re so cute.”

Its chubby body, its round, sparkling eyes, it’s kind of like Buddha? I feel like I can say anything in front of it.

“Anyway, your mom, you know. She’s a really bad person, okay?”

And so it began… gossiping about the owner.

“She calls someone who’s already exhausted from working overtime in the middle of the night just to break up, and if she’s going to break up, she should at least tell me why, but she doesn’t even give me a reason.”

Once I started, I couldn’t stop.

“Did she even love me in the first place? No, if she didn’t love me, she should have just rejected my confession. Why did she accept it in the first place?”

Maybe it’s because I thought it was a cat that couldn’t understand human language, but the complaints I’d been piling up started pouring out without restraint. In front of a cat.

“At first, I thought it was my fault. Since I wasn’t good enough for That person, I tried to become someone That person could love.”

I worked even harder, dated even harder. I overworked myself even more than I do now. Since I’m not a genius or a mind reader, all I could do was try harder than others.

“….Actually, even now… I don’t think that’s such a wrong idea.”

Even so, I couldn’t win her love in the end.

“That person… tried to love me.”

Throughout our relationship, sadness and bewilderment would well up like tears in her eyes.

I thought that was proof of her effort. I chose to think so.

“…Still, if there’s something you really don’t like, can’t you at least talk about it once?”

Of course, even if my guess is true, the best compliment I could get is that my efforts are commendable.

“What do you dislike so much about me, what did I do so wrong? You could just tell me everything.”

In the end, the clear fact is that she dumped me, and she didn’t give me any reason in the process.

“And then now she asks me to have dinner together, asks me to stay with her. She’s acting more affectionate than when we were dating.”

And now she’s showing the exact opposite attitude from then.

This is the part I don’t understand the most. Why is she doing this now, when everything is over, and she’s the one who ended it?

“Am I mistaken because I only have one dating experience? Do women normally eat together and sleep together without any problems? Of course, women can do that, but…”

It’s true that I’m more comfortable with same-s*x relationships than with opposite-s*x relationships. I also often eat with my friends and go on trips and sleep together.

“I’m… not a woman.”

But at least I, the current me, can’t do that.

“Of course, my body is a woman, but my mind is still a man.”

A man’s mind trapped in a woman’s body. That’s my current situation.

“That person knows that, too.”

It would be one thing if Team Leader didn’t know anything about my past, or if I hid my identity and Team Leader didn’t recognize me.

I already revealed my identity in the process of keeping the job I barely got, and everyone in the company knows that I am Seo Hanbyeol, who was a man until recently.

“Even if I’m a woman on the outside, I’m a man on the inside, how can she…? Especially since I’m her ex-boyfriend..?”

Since becoming a woman, I’ve been an outsider at the company for a while.

When I was a man, I was close to the male employees like friends and got along with the female employees, but the situation changed after I became a woman.

The male employees felt uncomfortable with me having a woman’s body, and the female employees still felt very awkward with me having a man’s mind.

I also pondered my gender identity countless times. For a while, I couldn’t even bring myself to go to the company restroom… In fact, I’m still a little reluctant to go to public restrooms.

Now, I’ve recovered the relationship quite a bit, even if it’s not completely the same as before, but in the past, it was really frustrating.

A woman’s body, a man’s mind. So am I a man or a woman? Biologically a woman and legally a man, what am I?

“….I really can’t understand people’s minds at all.”

That person should know that. If you’re a person, you can’t help but care about that.

Why is someone who should be more reluctant to approach me than ordinary people, no, someone who should avoid me, coming to me? You can know ten thousand fathoms of water, but you can’t know an inch of a person’s heart.

“Honestly, I was scared. I couldn’t figure out why That person was suddenly acting like that with my head.”

At first, I was too scared to even think about guessing the reason, and after I got a little used to it, I guessed that the purpose was to torment me. Later, I decided that wasn’t the case either.

“Actually, I still don’t know. The attitude is so erratic.”

It’s not even consistently maintaining that attitude, being friendly and then suddenly trying to push me away, and then suddenly being friendly again. It’s beyond the level of push and pull.

“Still….”

But it’s funny.

“..I don’t hate That person that much.”

My heart wavers every time.

“Even though I was dumped so coldly.”

Every time the gaze that never turned to me when I was a man turns to me.

“I think I still like That person.”

My heart beats faintly, faintly but surely.

Thump, thump.

“So….we’re ending it as friends. No more, no less, just friends, stamp it and end it!”

But I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt That person either.

“That would be good for That person and for me.”

Even if I confess my feelings now, it will only be embarrassing for That person, and I don’t particularly desire more than friendship.

“Euuung~cha. Then shall we make dinner for our bad friend in advance? Something good for energizing.”

I put the cat down next to me, stretched on the sofa, and got up. This office worker-optimized body, which can’t stand still, is craving work.

I should go grocery shopping. Should I buy chicken?

….!

“…Huh?”

…What was that? Did I just hear something?

Is it just my imagination? It must be my imagination.

――

You knew.

What you did to That person.

You know.

What you are doing to That person.

People generally hate bugs.

Usually, they hate them because of their appearance, but sometimes they hate them because they harm people.

People call bugs that harm people pests.

There are many types of pests. There are mosquitoes and cockroaches, and some directly harm people, while others harm things like crops.

Whatever the type, one thing is certain: the existence of pests is harmful to people and does not help them.

Mosquitoes suck people’s blood and make them itchy. Cockroaches lay eggs everywhere and spread germs.

The same goes for flies, and wasps sting people and cause harm.

People try to catch those bugs, or they avoid them. I have called pest control companies a few times because of bugs.

Thus, a pest means a bug that is not helpful to people and only causes harm.

Taking from that pest, some people sometimes call a being that is useless and only causes harm a pest.

The word pest is often used for animals, inanimate objects, and even other humans.

Yes, even for humans.

Something that is of no help to people and only causes harm.

If that’s not a pest, then what is it?

Sucking blood, spreading germs, gnawing on leaves.

What else could a being that inflicts emotional wounds and plants diseases be if not a pest?

I am a pest.

To That person, to Seo Hanbyeol, I am a pest.

A pest that doesn’t help in any way and only inflicts wounds.

A terrible pest that gnaws on leaves and steals honey.

Didn’t you know?

No, I knew.

Then why did you do that?

….

If That person had completely given up on me, I might have been able to be friends as That person said.

But That person still has feelings for me. They still have feelings for someone who coldly pushed them away for no reason.

That’s why we can’t be friends.

We can’t be anything more or less than that.

“….Ugh..”

I can’t accept That person.

I hate myself too much to accept it.

I harbored ulterior motives towards someone who had put aside all their past animosity and suggested that we be friends.

I harbored ulterior motives and, caught up in the atmosphere, even begged them to stay with me, shedding tears.

Without even knowing what that meant to That person.

“Sniff….Hic..”

I am a pest.

A dirty and disgusting pest.