Chapter 2: I wanted to be loved

Chirp, chirp, chirp.

Sunlight, not quite blocked by the blackout curtains, streamed into my cramped studio apartment, tickling my eyes.

The chirping of birds was just annoying.

“…Ugh.”

The lively sounds were irritating.

Once sleep had fled, it didn’t return.

I rose dazedly from my bed, my sanctuary.

What met my eyes was a floor piled high with trash.

I should clean it sometime, but.

“…Too bothersome.”

I really didn’t want to do anything.

I forced myself to endure the throbbing headache from the bed and closed the blackout curtains.

Only then did my eyes feel at ease.

“Darkness… it comforts me.”

I picked up my phone to check the date.

“…Monday.”

No wonder it was so noisy outside.

Monday, 8 AM.

That’s why I had woken up so early.

Pulling back the blackout curtains, I saw countless people walking around outside.

A shiver ran down my spine.

It felt as if those living in a different world were looking at me, sighing.

As if they were looking at my pathetic, insignificant self and cursing, I quickly pulled the curtains shut and hid inside my room.

“Haa… haah…!”

It was hard to breathe.

It felt like everyone was pitying me.

It was hard to breathe, as if they were looking at me as a pathetic and miserable human being.

It had always been like this since what happened with Father.

It felt like everyone was throwing either insults or pity at me.

I was fine, just a little difficulty with my leg and a fear of people nearby.

Other than that, there was nothing.

“Dizzy…….”

I shouldn’t have opened the curtains.

I quickly closed the curtains again, letting in only a faint sliver of light.

I felt much better, but the gloomy mood and hyperventilation didn’t disappear.

“…Blade.”

So, I reached for a somewhat extreme solution.

I moved my body to the desk where my computer sat.

The piled-up trash was kicked by my feet, rolling around and making noisy sounds, but I paid no attention.

“Haa, haa… found it.”

A blue utility knife.

I picked up the knife and sprayed disinfectant on it.

There was no rust.

It was a very safe blade.

–Drrrlk!

The blade instantly slid out.

I stared at the tip of that blade for a long time.

Red.

Finally, I felt at ease.

****

“…….”

Lying back on the bed, I stared blankly at the increased number of bandages.

“…I hope it scars.”

I thought, stroking the bandage.

I hoped it would scar so I’d feel good when I saw it again later.

Because it would be proof that I had overcome myself once more.

“…Heh.”

Smiling faintly, I scratched my belly and headed for the refrigerator.

I almost tripped over the trash, but still having no intention of cleaning, I met the light emanating from the refrigerator.

“…Nothing in here.”

The refrigerator, which I had reached with difficulty, dragging my aching leg, was empty.

Just like my stomach.

How many days had I been starving?

I didn’t know. I couldn’t even remember anymore.

“…I feel like I have no strength in my body.”

Saying so, I returned to bed and slowly closed my eyes.

****

When I opened my eyes again, it was already morning.

[3:00 pm]

“It’s morning.”

It seemed I had fainted from hunger.

I roughly pushed the trash on the floor aside to create a path, then lay back down on the bed.

“…….”

I should eat.

But there was nothing at home.

I sighed.

“…Haa, I guess there’s no choice.”

Should I just die?

I thought so, but dying twice was still scary.

It was better to live and suffer than to die.

This was a feeling only someone who had reincarnated could understand.

[43 missed calls]

[Message: My beloved Ji-woo (43)]

[Message: My beloved Min-woo (52)]

I looked at the piled-up call and message history.

“…I don’t even answer, so why do they keep contacting me?”

They were all messages from my younger siblings, whom I had sent to college.

I wanted to be an older sister they wouldn’t be ashamed of.

That’s why, after I became an adult, I only sent them money regularly and cut off contact with them.

I had to earn money.

Yu Ji-woo wanted to be a lawyer, and Yu Min-woo wanted to be a police officer.

A lot of money was needed, and since Dad was in prison, I had to pay for it with my body.

I didn’t want to show them the image of an older sister struggling so hard.

“…Because I couldn’t eat enough, I’m shorter than them.”

My growth in height stopped in my first year of middle school.

It was because I had given all the food to my siblings.

Since then, my body had become good at enduring hunger.

“Seriously, I really didn’t want to ask for help.”

Saying so, I went into the messages from Yu Ji-woo that had accumulated and sent one word.

[Hungry.]

Hungry.

There was nothing else I could say, or wanted to say, besides that one word.

“…I’m sorry, for being this kind of older sister.”

I should be attending university.

Instead, I was a parasite who couldn’t even provide money and just got food.

Yes, I had become a parasite.

The kind of person I hated most, like Dad, had ultimately become a pathetic human, just like in my previous life.

Looking at my limping left leg, I felt disgusted.

I moved my body to the desk once more.

–Drrrlk!

The slightly reddened blade.

I stared at that blade for a long time.

Red.

This time, my chest didn’t feel at ease.

****

I sat on the bed, staring blankly at the new bandage on my inner thigh.

“More came out than I expected.”

It was stained red.

A message flew in from Yu Ji-woo saying she would arrive home soon.

Calls came too, but…….

I didn’t answer.

I just didn’t want to.

When Yu Ji-woo came to my room, I would pretend to be asleep.

Because Yu Ji-woo wouldn’t like seeing my pathetic self.

Yu Ji-woo and Yu Min-woo disliked me.

I had never asked, but I felt it.

They would hesitate and couldn’t speak well whenever they stood before me.

“…But they seemed to talk fine with each other.”

After middle school, I lived a life of earning money, coming home late, and being beaten by Dad.

After being beaten for a long time, when I went to my old, cramped room, my siblings were always asleep.

Perhaps the reason was that we didn’t interact much when they were young.

Since they were together for so long.

They naturally relied on each other.

“…It’s okay if they don’t know.”

It was okay if they didn’t know.

Because I had made up my mind to be their only parent.

And a parent, by definition, must give unconditional love.

It was truly, okay.

****

Name: Yu Ji-woo.

She was a 22-year-old law student.

Growing up in a hellish home environment, she witnessed her only older sister’s sacrifice with her own eyes.

The sight of her older sister’s back, going to work every day, saying she was fine.

Her older sister, who always dressed her in nice clothes so she wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Thanks to her older sister’s sacrifice, Yu Ji-woo was attending law school.

“Someday, I will definitely save you.”

Yu Ji-woo thought so as she read the message from her older sister.

[Hungry.]

Once a month.

Just one word would arrive on Yu Ji-woo’s or Yu Min-woo’s phone.

This month, it was Yu Ji-woo.

Yu Ji-woo felt her heart tearing apart.

“I should buy what Older Sister likes. She must have starved again.”

Yu Ji-woo mumbled, then bought sundae and ramen, which Yu Su-hyeon particularly liked, and headed to Yu Su-hyeon’s house.

****

–Beep beep beep beep.

“…!!”

The sound of the front door opening, meaning my sibling had arrived, reached me.

I quickly burrowed under the blanket.

Hiding my head completely, I concealed my entire body.

“…….”

I was scared.

Would my sibling look at me with pathetic eyes?

Shaking, I waited for my sibling to leave.

“Whoa… so much trash.”

“…….”

I knew she wasn’t talking to me.

But it felt like it was digging into my chest.

I heard the sound of plastic bags.

“…Older Sister, I’m here.”

“…….”

I wanted to greet her.

I wanted to smile brightly and greet her.

But I couldn’t.

“The house got really dirty, I should clean it sometime.”

Yu Ji-woo said, letting out an awkward laugh.

I could feel her holding her breath.

“I’ll bring Yu Min-woo over sometime.”

“…….”

“…….”

An awkward tension hung in the air.

I was truly grateful that she would do so much, even though she disliked me.

“…Are you still not ready to talk?”

“…….”

“…….”

When I didn’t speak, I heard Yu Ji-woo, who let out an awkward laugh, clearing off the desk.

“Here, I bought sundae. You like a lot of the lung, right, Older Sister?”

“…….”

“…If you don’t like it, it’s okay to leave some.”

Saying so, Yu Ji-woo felt as if she was staring at me for a long time.

“…!!”

Yu Ji-woo sat on the bed.

Yu Ji-woo, sitting on the bed, placed a hand where my head was.

“Eek!?”

“…S-sorry!”

Startled, I made a sound and almost convulsed, moving away from Yu Ji-woo.

I burst out from under the blanket.

I made eye contact with Yu Ji-woo.

“…Ah, hello, Older Sister.”

“…….”

“…….”

Facing Yu Ji-woo, I couldn’t say anything.

Yu Ji-woo reached out to talk to me, but.

“D-don’t, don’t come closer…!”

“…….”

“…Aah…….”

I rejected her.

I couldn’t help it, as memories of being hit surged up.

And so, Yu Ji-woo left the room with a bitter expression.

The cold sundae.

Staring at the sundae, I picked up the utility knife as if possessed.

Red.

The red color streamed down.

“It hurts…!! It hurts…!!”

I shed tears looking at the red color.

A line was drawn on my hand, and today, another bandage was added to my hand.

It’s hard.

I wanted to be loved.

I really wanted to be loved.