Chapter 19: People (1)

Thank you for everything.
It was a short sentence, but its meaning was clear. I threw the note in the trash. Another conclusion had been reached.

No, could I even call it a conclusion? It wasn’t a proper relationship in the first place. An impulsive connection formed through an unexpected encounter. There was no responsibility binding us.

Now, everything was moving towards normalcy.

To accelerate this process, I picked up the toaster from the shelf and carefully placed it in a box. I sealed it thoroughly with tape and double-checked to make sure it was secure.

As I headed towards the balcony to get another box, I felt a crumpled texture under my foot. It was a folded 10,000 won bill, creased like a dried leaf.
I didn’t use cash. I especially didn’t deal with tattered, crumpled bills like this. There was only one person who would drop something like this.
But I didn’t want to bother with it. I couldn’t unpack the boxes I had already sealed and stacked by the door. She probably wanted it that way too. I didn’t care what happened to her.

I continued packing. And after finishing the fourth box, I went outside with the bill in my hand.
I couldn’t contain the surge of anger any longer.
Take it. Take all your traces, as if you never existed, and throw them away yourself.

The dim alleyway was illuminated by the light leaking from the houses.
Where are you? Where are you going? To which dark alley are you disappearing again? Are you running away, leaving behind this mess I can’t clean up in my heart?
My walking pace quickened, turning into a brisk walk, and then a run.

I ran through the night.

But running through the night streets, guided by primal impulses without a clear sense of purpose, was dangerous.
My ragged breaths and narrowed vision clouded my judgment, and I tripped over a protruding rock. I lost my balance and fell.

A metallic taste filled my mouth. The unpleasant pain from my scraped knees and palms cooled my heated head. I was now thinking more clearly than ever.

What are you doing?

A familiar voice echoed in my head. It sounded like my own voice, my parents’ voices, Chae Seolha’s voice, and the faint voice of a woman from a distant memory. It was difficult to pinpoint its origin.

I’m going to return the money to her.
You idiot, that’s obvious. That’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking for the reason.
To erase the stain. Otherwise, it’ll come back to haunt me. I’ll see a stray bill while cleaning and think, ‘Ah, right, there was that girl.’
So what’s the problem?
It’s a problem. A huge problem. She’s mocking me. Telling me I’m nothing. A fool who can’t do anything, can’t change anything.
So you ran out of the house in the middle of the night? Ran like a drunk lunatic and scraped your knees? Aren’t you embarrassed?
But…
If you want to erase the traces, burn the bill. Who would know what was there if you just get rid of the ashes? Why take the long way when there’s an easier path? What if the police catch you? Can you explain why a grown man is chasing after a high school girl?
…No.
Just go back. Get some sleep and think again. You’re too agitated right now. After you sleep, eat, and drink, the bill will disappear on its own.

I had to agree with the undeniably reasonable reprimand. I was definitely out of my mind. And thoughts you have when you’re out of your mind are usually useless and misguided. A wave of cold water washed over me.
Just as I decided to go back home—

Thud, thud. Footsteps echoed from right beside me. A sticky, shuffling sound, coming from so close that I could almost reach out and touch it, filled me with a strange sense of pity.
Should I grab her? Would she be startled if I suddenly grabbed her? She might hate it. What if she reports me? No, it could be an injured animal, not a person. But it would still hurt if it bit or scratched me. My thoughts raced. The footsteps had long since faded away.
When I finally looked up, all I could grasp was the intangible wind slipping through my fingers.

The rough texture of the ground pricked my palms. My dangling toenails pleaded with me to stop. My creaking knees screamed in protest. I ignored them all and stood up. And then I ran.

A relationship without lies and deceit, the right ending, the end of a relationship, truth, the climb towards normalcy, the desire to be seen, a complete understanding of myself and others, normalcy, a peaceful, pain-free daily life.
Those things resembled what I had been longing for, but they were only similar in appearance, they could never truly satisfy me. The emptiness in my hands proved it.
I actually wanted to hold her hand. To tightly grasp her hand as she stumbled forward precariously. Strongly, more fiercely than ever.
And then I wanted to tell her again that I liked her. Our relationship had been all about hiding until now, so maybe something would change now that we had opened our hearts to each other. I wanted to persuade her until the very last moment, even if it made me look pathetic, listing all my good qualities.

In the end, I wanted to shout. To clearly tell others what I wanted, and then grasp it with both hands.
But negative past experiences blinded me. Stuck in the past, I made all sorts of excuses and ran away even when faced with different situations. I didn’t have the confidence to persuade others. I was burdened by the responsibility that came with deeper involvement. I didn’t want to face the spearheads pointed at me if the relationship collapsed.
So I calculated the risks. I weighed the probabilities. Profit, causality, likelihood, righteousness—I calculated everything I could think of in advance.

It was the same with Han Yeoreum. Anyone could tell that she wasn’t headed home. I didn’t know for sure, but at least I knew it wasn’t a warm place.
She would starve again, sleep anxiously in a filthy restroom, and in that process, she might suffer something unspeakable.
Of course, I couldn’t solve Han Yeoreum’s problems. I didn’t even know what they were, or how to help her. Even if I could, it wasn’t my business. A complete stranger, not a parent, trying to do that would only be committing a crime. That wasn’t the right path.

But would I be happy if I followed the right path? Would I be able to sleep soundly at night?
No. Her rotten pearl-like eyes would continue to haunt me, suddenly popping up at unexpected moments and shaking my heart. Because that’s what it means to meet someone.

Then forget it.

It was too late once I made up my mind. Regret wouldn’t bring back what was lost.
Reasons, the humiliation of trying to persuade someone, the fear of rejection—I could think about those trivial things later. I could even make them up if I had to.

First, grab her.

“Han Yeoreum.”

I grabbed the slender arm shimmering before my eyes and spoke. Her flinching shoulders visually conveyed her emotions.
Now, what should I do? What should I say? More importantly, what did I want to say to her?
Facing the problems I had been putting off gave me a headache. But it was okay. I would gladly endure a headache.

Because I was sick and tired of ending things before even starting.

****

A question suddenly popped into Han Yeoreum’s head as she sat on the toilet, secretly reading a novel, using her usual excuse of constipation.

Isn’t it all the same story in the end?

The era, setting, characters, events—the details might be different, but in the end, all literature was about repayment. Wars between nations, conflicts between people, environmental destruction—all these conflicts wouldn’t have happened if everyone had just repaid what they received.
The same goes for Adam and Eve. If they hadn’t been greedy for more than what they were given, I would be lying on the grass of Eden instead of in this smelly restroom.

Han Yeoreum felt like she finally understood the “life of grace” that her parents had constantly emphasized. She would have realized it sooner if her father hadn’t forbidden her from reading anything other than the Bible. The Bible had some boring and difficult parts.

Han Yeoreum sighed in resignation, but at the same time, she felt good, as if she had become a significant being. Yes, I was sent to this earth by God to realize the value of repayment. Seriously.
Han Yeoreum found her absurd delusion amusing. It couldn’t be helped that she was going crazy, spending every night cooped up in a smelly restroom, reading books. A self-deprecating laugh escaped her lips.
Still, it was better than thinking she was born to be her parents’ punching bag.

So Han Yeoreum tried. If she received something, she tried to repay it in kind, and even if she didn’t receive anything, she reached out and gave first.
To repay the grace of her parents who brought her into this world, she did everything they asked. She even tried to understand their beatings. Every night, she prayed to God with a grateful heart. It didn’t matter if it was hard. If I tried hard enough, they would eventually understand. I was born for this.

But her efforts weren’t rewarded. The list of forbidden things grew longer, and the beatings continued.
They always demanded more. Of course, there must be people who weren’t like that. Somewhere in this world, there must be people with grateful hearts.
But all that surrounded Han Yeoreum were piglets, snorting with greed, their mouths open and reeking.

Ironically, those pigs wanted to feel the satisfaction of giving. So they preached condescendingly to others, spouting empty words and making promises they wouldn’t keep.

When Han Yeoreum realized this, she couldn’t contain her surge of anger and collapsed on the ground. She wanted to pound the ground and cry.