Chapter 18: Rainwater

Chae Seolha’s eyes snapped open.
The crimson sunset stabbed at her eyes, but she couldn’t help but react that way.

Dojin likes me.

The words she longed to hear, the words she thought she would never hear, shook her to the core.

A bead of sweat trickled down the back of her neck.
As if struck by a hammer, her whole body began to tremble. The smoke from her cigarette, held between dry lips, dissipated into the air.

Yu Dojin, the one who spoke those words, felt the same.
He finally said it. He finally did it.

But instead of liberation, he felt a burning shame, as if he were stripped bare.
A strange fear washed over him, as if he had crossed a bridge he could never return from.

“You know, I…”

His teeth chattered, his lungs gasped for air, his heart pounded, tensing his entire body.
Suppressing all of that, Yu Dojin continued.

“I was scared. Because I didn’t want to go back to the life I had before I met you.”

The days when he pretended to sleep, his head buried on his desk, avoiding all human contact.
There was a time when he considered that normal.

But after entering college, after meeting Chae Seolha, after realizing how joyful it was to interact with people, he could never go back.

“So I pretended to be indifferent, even when I felt disappointed or hurt. Because I was afraid of being hated by you if I said something wrong.”

He exposed his deepest, darkest self, filled with twisted desires. The epitome of ugliness.

Perhaps what would return wasn’t hatred, but disgust. He closed his eyes tightly at the thought, but continued.

“I know. I know what you want from me, and I think I understand why you want it.”

Yu Dojin lowered his head self-deprecatingly.

“But…”

Yu Dojin moved his dry lips. His right hand clenched and unclenched nervously.

“I can’t deny what exists. I’ll continue to like you, and I’ll be angry at you for denying those feelings.”

In that process, they would inflict indelible wounds on each other, wounds that would fester and torment them.

“It’s foolish to try to ignore it when we know that’s what will happen.”

It would be an act of negligence and an insult to the relationship that had saved them countless times. That couldn’t happen.

Yu Dojin, his thoughts settled, raised his head.

“So we have to come to a proper conclusion.”

Yu Dojin’s wavering yet resolute gaze met Chae Seolha’s. Even when she tried to avoid it, his gaze followed her relentlessly.

The truth she had refused to acknowledge returned like a boomerang, striking her heart.

“If we truly cherish this relationship.”

Yu Dojin’s words ended there. Now it was Chae Seolha’s turn to answer.
She knew that herself. But the words wouldn’t come out.

“I…”

Silence flowed. Words that reached the tip of her tongue were swallowed back down.

Chae Seolha’s eyelashes trembled as she moved her lips.
Among countless possibilities, the one possibility she hadn’t anticipated was shattering her heart.

“I…”

She had also liked him all along.

She liked their shared interests. She found his attentive listening endearing. His transparent and delicate way of thinking fascinated her. His efforts and struggles were admirable. His occasional insecure smile was lovely.

When she came to her senses, his name was already etched deep within her heart.

But she wasn’t sure if he felt the same way.
She was afraid that the closer they got, the more he would see her true self, and be disappointed.

I don’t want that. With that single thought, she began to act, wearing a mask of change.
She hid her shabby appearance with makeup, feigning a carefree personality that was the opposite of her true self, and timidly courted him.

But she was still anxious. Deep down, she was certain she wouldn’t be chosen.
After all, he was surrounded by attractive women.
She thought he could never like someone like her, poor, uneducated, not pretty, and without any particular talent.

That’s why, that day, when she failed to meet Yu Dojin at the clock tower, she thought it was only natural.
He must have been burdened by her clinging to him when he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t strange. She had experienced the same thing in the past. She tried to deny it, clinging to him pathetically, but nothing changed.
So this time would be no different. She concluded on her own.

But the man she had been waiting for that day was different from the man in her past, and more importantly, the situation itself was completely different.

Even if there were extenuating circumstances, she was the one who was late for their appointment, and she was the one who failed to send even a message explaining that she was delayed because she lost her phone.

The cause of everything lay with Chae Seolha herself, who, overwhelmed by a resurfacing past trauma and a surge of misery, couldn’t even wait for ten minutes and left.

No, the reason didn’t matter. What mattered was that it was a trivial misunderstanding that could have been resolved with a single conversation the next day.

But what did I do?

Assuming he hadn’t come at all because he wasn’t there after waiting for a long time, I made excuses out of fear and tried to erase the entire incident from existence. I tried to run away from the root of the problem.

Despite being the one at fault, I acted like the victim, consumed by a ridiculous inferiority complex and paranoia, expressing my anger.

I’m trying so hard. I cherish you so much.
Why are you trying to sever our ties so easily?

Why don’t you understand? Why don’t you choose me?

When she came to her senses, she realized she was tormenting him, even more cruelly than those in her past.

Using the memory of his courageous confession, she branded him as a strange person who couldn’t fit in with the world, robbing him of his will to escape, and constantly instilled in him a distorted ideology that made him feel disgusted by women other than herself.

Consumed by the twisted thought that if she stayed by his side long enough, he might eventually like her, she repeated her mistakes.

And yet…
And yet, he still tells me he likes me.
He still reaches out his hand.

Yu Dojin’s face was reflected in Chae Seolha’s eyes as she looked up. A smile involuntarily spread across her lips at his passionate gaze.

So this is what it feels like to be loved. Chae Seolha’s heart warmed at the unfamiliar feeling.

If she took his hand, she would become the happiest woman in the world.
They would resolve their lingering misunderstandings and finally connect in a true relationship, whispering the feelings they had kept hidden in their hearts. Chae Seolha was certain of that.

But what about Dojin?

A gust of wind swept away the mirage shimmering before her eyes.
She woke up from her dream and saw the essence of things.

His eyes, which used to shimmer like the ocean, were now dull. Like an abyss, devoid of their former light.

His cheeks were hollow, giving him a haggard appearance, and dark circles had settled under his eyes, which used to hold a gentle smile.
The raspy sound escaping his cracked voice tore at her heart.

Although she couldn’t see it, his heart must also be torn to shreds, scattered on the ground.

That’s what Chae Seolha had done to Yu Dojin for her own happiness.

What do you mean, I didn’t speak up? What do you mean, I’m selfish? What was good? What was okay?
What…

What was normal?

He is kind.
He’s the type of person who is terrified of hurting others, who puts others before himself even when he’s in an unfair situation.

She knew that.
Knowing his personality, she turned a blind eye to the truth, exploiting it, and throwing unreasonable tantrums.

Money.
Restaurants that operate on reservations.
Observation decks of skyscrapers with expensive entrance fees.
Luxury goods.
Dishes made with carefully selected, expensive ingredients.
Movies with high ratings from critics.

She forced upon him everything she considered right, proper, and enjoyable, without even trying to see what he wanted, where his gaze was directed.

She just watched, without the courage to move their relationship forward.
She expected the desired outcome without doing anything herself.

Ah.
What a foolish woman I am.

The resignation letter, which she had found so hateful, was his last cry for help. Until the very last moment, he hadn’t given up and had been waiting for her.

And I…

—Are you joking? This is… so not funny.

I dismissed his courageous step as a mere prank.

—I told you, don’t come begging later, appreciate it while you have it. What if I lose interest in you?

I tore apart his suffering heart, calling it childishness.

—Congratulations on Dojin’s return!

…

No, perhaps even before that.
There were so many opportunities to change things…

It’s all my fault that we can’t hold hands, even though we liked each other, even though we still like each other now.

But what would change if I resolved the misunderstanding and confessed my feelings now?

His lifeless eyes would never regain their light. The scars I inflicted on his kind heart would never disappear.
His time, wasted because of my greed, would never return.

A confession now would only be for my self-satisfaction, an act of violence against him. My ugly inferiority complex would resurface someday and hurt him again.

Chae Seolha bit her lip, suppressing the surge of self-loathing. But she couldn’t run away anymore.
It was time to end this.

“…I loved the film club. The space, the people, everything about it. So much that I wished those days would last forever.”

She continued, her voice trembling, barely squeezing out the words.

“I was afraid that if I rejected your feelings, those days would crumble. That everyone would drift apart. Because I didn’t want that…”

She suppressed her escaping breaths, trying to appear as calm as possible.

“I forced you to hide your feelings. I used the favors I had done for you as leverage, urging you to act like nothing happened. I turned a blind eye, rationalizing that it was the least painful way for you.”

But she couldn’t swallow the surging regret. Chae Seolha’s voice cracked and trembled.

“But I was wrong. Like you said, it was bound to shatter someday. And I wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces. No, I knew that, but I pretended not to, driven by my immediate desires. I…”

Tears, hot and heavy, streamed down Chae Seolha’s cheeks.

“I’m the worst…”

Once the tears started flowing, they wouldn’t stop. Yu Dojin, watching her with a pained expression, reached out his hand, but Chae Seolha shook her head and gently pushed it away.

“…It’s okay.”
“Seolha, I—”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t reciprocate your feelings.”

Her sharp words cut through the space between them. Yu Dojin, realizing the meaning of her words, lowered his head.
Chae Seolha bit her tongue, forcing back the tears. I don’t deserve to cry. That was her only thought.

“Your severance pay will be deposited tomorrow.”

With those words, Chae Seolha stood up abruptly. She couldn’t bear it anymore, neither her own feelings nor the sight of him hurting because of her words.

“I’m sorry…”

Despite that, she found herself apologizing.

“I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done to you…”

I’m sorry.
Chae Seolha knew that a single word wouldn’t heal his wounded heart.
It felt disgusting, as if she was asking for forgiveness for her past atrocities.

But the tears wouldn’t stop.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry… As if such words could fix anything…”

Chae Seolha rubbed her tear-stained face and walked down the stairs.
Every step felt like walking on shards of glass. But even this pain wasn’t enough, she thought.

She would live with this pain for the rest of her life.

“…At least to the station.”
“It’s okay.”

Her voice, wet with tears, pushed Yu Dojin away. Her long hair hid her expression.

“I’ll go alone.”

With those words, Chae Seolha started walking.

“…Goodbye.”

Perhaps no one knew where she was headed.
The only certainty was that her steps would never again turn towards Yu Dojin.

It had been years.
The time bound to the clock tower for years, unraveled by a few words.

Was this truly the truth we had been avoiding? Was this what I had been hoping for?
If so, why did I feel so suffocated and uneasy?

“…”

Yu Dojin stood up and brushed the dust off his pants. It was time to go home.
Thinking wouldn’t change the conclusion that had already been reached.

Han Yeoreum, who had been hiding behind the utility pole, was long gone. She must have gone home first.
Yu Dojin thought so and walked towards his apartment. He entered the passcode into the door lock and pulled the door open, as usual.
But all that greeted him was the sound of a desolate wind, an abyss-like darkness, and a single piece of paper.

A note that read:

Thank you for everything.