Chapter 18: Behind the Wall

Summer is approaching, yet the night air is still cold.

I walk, relying on the faint light of the streetlamps.

On the dark promenade, sparsely lit by streetlamps, gaunt trees, neglected and unkempt, lined both sides.

Half-ruined or completely demolished ruins,

Or a precarious city on the brink of becoming ruins,

Or even the ground where only crude concrete fortresses stood,

This is one of the few places with remaining trees and greenery.

The Memorial Park.

A place that honours only the names of the dead who have no bodies.

Lining the plaza, surrounded by trees and walkways, are

Giant tombstones.

Names etched in white intaglio on their black, smooth surfaces.

Who they were,

What they did,

What meaning they held for whom,

None of it remains.

Only names are densely carved.

‘Not this one, not this one either…’

Relying on the dim streetlight, I trace my fingers over the surface, searching for names.
…

My finger points to,

Four names.

Father, Mother, Me, Younger Sister.

My finger stopped at the third name.

‘The third name must be my former name.’

‘There’s no point in remembering it, so I forgot it as soon as I read it.’

These are just letters, classifying the names of those killed by monsters according to the region they lived in,

And simply engraved on rows of stone slabs.

But they weren’t just simple letters.

Because just reading them is this painful.

The family I couldn’t protect.

The ones I couldn’t protect from the monsters on that day, one year ago…

No,

Why should I have protected them?

“Spooky, you’re listening, right? Hmm?”

To me, the world was that small house, the four people living there, that was everything.

Even as I aged, as my body grew, I never managed to escape that house.

Even if my body wandered outside, my soul remained bound.

Even now, I haven’t completely escaped the memories of that time.

I had forgotten while living as Sanguine Obsidia for the past year,

But after meeting Yujin, as emotions and colors began to paint me, the memories of my old family also became clearer.

“Why, why did you come for me then? If you were going to come, why didn’t you come a little sooner?”

‘You would probably say this.’

[I’m sorry… I also tried to find a contractor as quickly as possible. But I couldn’t make it in time. It was too late, and many people were sacrificed.]

I know.

It couldn’t be helped.

That hundreds died, crushed by that monster’s paw, without ever even hearing the word ‘contract’.

That I was just lucky, or perhaps, the unluckiest of all.

I don’t know.

To me, parents meant violence and abuse, neglect and dismissal,

And my younger sister ignored me.

I couldn’t even expect to escape.

And yet, having lost them,

Why does their absence feel so vast?

Even though they were people better off gone.

Why did I come here?

Just to confirm the past once?

To sort out the past?

It’s lingering attachment, regret.

Still, the me from before becoming Sanguine Obsidia, the me whose name I can’t even remember, is trapped here.

No.

For my life with Yujin, for a normal life,

I came here to break one of the past’s curses that bind me.

It has to be this way.

Though reading these names won’t change anything, nor will it make the curse disappear.

[…Obsidia. Don’t go to where your old house was.]

‘I know. Going there would only be desolate.’

‘It’s probably been a neglected ruin for a year.’

‘There’s nothing good about seeing that sight again.’

This Memorial Park too is merely the product of a foolish idea to gather and engrave the names of those killed by monsters within a certain area.

A place, similar ones built all over Earth, that only collects traces of memory.

Thinking about it that way, this place is no different from my old, ruined house.

A ruin where only names are engraved.

In that sense, an apartment on the verge of collapse or a crude concrete fortress where someone is actually living is much better.

Dependency, perhaps this is also dependency.

Dependency on the connection to the world named family, the only thing I had, the thing I relied on.

Perhaps I’m just depending on Yujin in the same way, only the form has changed.

What good will it do to think so rationally and logically?

I have no choice anyway.

“Good riddance.”

I am not responsible for their deaths, for my family’s deaths.

It’s all in the past.

Forget it, and it’s over.

Wanting to think that way, I left the park without looking back.

There’s no reason to depend on them anymore.

Because I’ve found someone new to depend on.

Ha, ha, in the end, it seems I can’t stand alone for even a moment without depending on someone.

As I walk in the cold air, the impulse surges again.

The tumour throbs.

The command to kill people,

The anticipation of seeing blood,

The craving for ecstasy, wells up.

Now, it’s hard to even distinguish if the tumour is me, or if I am the tumour.

It definitely started with this tumour-like mass,

The tumour that still occupies the centre of my chest, spreading unpleasant spiderweb-like veins on my skin,

Clearly, it must be so.

But now,
After a year, the tumour has ultimately devoured my values, my empty soul, the shell surrounding me.

But it doesn’t matter anymore.

It would be nice to escape this tumor someday, but it’s okay if I can’t.

Murder, for me, is no longer an unavoidable despair of the day,

But a rite of passage to continue my life with Ahn Yujin.

I’ve decided that from now on.

“Excuse me, do you have a moment?”

[…]

I found a man and spoke to him.

A man in shabby clothes, his hood pulled down low.

I don’t know if he’s just taking a walk in a place like this at this time of night, or if he has another purpose.

Spooky tried to say something, then covered its mouth area with a stubby hand.

‘It probably shut up because it knows I have no choice.’

“Just this way for a moment…”

I led the man into the bushes.

Whether he was expecting something or not, the man followed obediently,

And the last thing his eyes saw was the blade of a pitch-black rapier piercing his heart,

Before he collapsed forever.

My stomach churns.

My head hurts.

Even if I deny and refuse it, guilt endlessly stabs at my chest.

Even if the throbbing and pain from the tumor disappear, my heart creates its own pain.

But, more than that, I’m afraid.

Afraid that my current peaceful life, a life on thin ice, will shatter.

More than anything, I’m afraid of being abandoned by Yujin.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry for killing you.’

‘But I couldn’t not kill. I was afraid my impulse would turn towards Yujin.’

In the end, my true nature is not Sanguine Obsidia, nor Lee Seoa, nor a murderer, nor anything else,

But a boy who clings, fearing abandonment even while being beaten.

A child afraid of warmth and heat, unable to get close,
A young child yearning for hugs and affection, unable to run far away.

Using magic, I lifted the bushes and buried the man’s corpse.

I burned the traces of blood, washed them away, and buried them in the earth.

It hurts.

My chest aches with guilt.

But my mind is clear.

Opening the Void Passage and stepping inside, I’m assaulted by a whirlwind of screams, death rattles, and resentful voices,

But those voices merely tickle my ears.

It’s as if I can’t hear their voices anymore.

The storm of maddening death rattles and resentment, the guilt and ecstasy after killing someone,
Are all part of a newly repeating routine.

If I change, if I move forward,

I’m afraid that if I get closer to Yujin, my current mask will break.

On the day I cut off Glacia Azure’s arm, I was consumed by madness.

On the day I first met Rosa Alisa, I was seized by obsession.

On the day I clung to Yujin, I was gripped by guilt.

There’s no reason for that anymore.

If I keep repeating the same life every day,

If I continue the same peaceful, tranquil life as always,

Someday, I’ll be able to reach a normal life.

‘After wasting the last six months repeating the same days, are you trying to repeat the same thing again?’

No, this time it’s different.

Something will change.

I can’t go back to how I was before.

Because Yujin brought vibrant colors to me and led me to the outside world.

“Hee, hee, heehee, heeheehee…”

Yes.

Just like this,

It’s fine to stay just like this.

A life of killing one person every day, meeting Yujin every day, just spending time.

Maintaining an appropriate amount of guilt, and a suitable distance from Yujin, forever.

That alone is enough.

***

“Seoa-ya?”

Ahn Yujin, who had returned late at night due to work running over, encountered Lee Seoa in front of her doorway.

‘Has she just returned too? Perhaps from her duties as a magical girl? Or maybe…’

The clothes she was wearing were a gray jacket and a white t-shirt.

One of the outfits Yujin had given her before.

She was wearing her usual jeans.

Her face was expressionless as always, but she looked more serene than usual.

For the past few days, she had looked so confused and sad.

“Hmm…”

After a moment of thought, Yujin spread her arms wide and smiled.

As if inviting an embrace.

Just as she had for the past few days, exactly the same.

It was an open apartment hallway, but there was no one else living on the same floor, so there was no worry of being seen.

“…I’m, I’m okay.”

Even as she said that, Seoa flinched as if she might jump into Yujin’s arms at any moment,

Then clenched her fists and stopped.

“Thank you. For comforting me. But I’m alright now.”

And then, unlike usual, a brief hug followed.

Not as deep as when she, as Sanguine Obsidia, had returned after killing another magical girl and clung to her with a broken spirit,

She embraced lightly but gently.

A light hug as Lee Seoa, filled with an appropriate distance and peaceful affection.

“Let’s meet tomorrow morning. Thank you, and the sandwich was delicious too.”

And then, she smiled at Yujin and went into her home.

Left alone, Ahn Yujin recalled that face.

The smile of Lee Seoa, who was always expressionless, or had a sad face like a frightened kitten trembling in fear,

Or at best, a slightly softened expressionless face.

To Yujin, that smile,

Held a strong will,

Yet it looked as if it could crumble at any moment.

And Ahn Yujin also smiled.

Extremely satisfied.